Am I asking too much

LegacyUser

hi all,

going unreg for this. Am I asking too much and/or being unreasonable?

I'm with my boyfriend 6 months. We got back together after 4 years apart. The reason we broke up was that he would turn up hours late/not turn up at all for dates that HE would suggest.

He contacted me 6 months ago saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he realised what an ass he'd been etc. We'd always had what I thought was a special connection, we're getting on well, have fun, lots of discussion too.

However we arranged to take off 3 weeks holidays. The arrangement was that we'd spend a week doing stuff (houses, gardens etc). We then went away for a week, got on great.

Got back Sat, I had a mates party that I was arranging. I went into the party early, He turned up 2 hours late with a mate of his. Said nothing about the lateness.

On Monday he asked me to wake him up early, I did at 8 with a coffee. He roared at me that he was tired, needed his sleep. I was very surprised. He got up at 11,I said nothing. We all get off days right? On Monday night he asked me again to wake him early, same thing happened!

He asked me Tuesday morning what I was doing the rest of the week, as he had plans to go away with a mate. He had mentioned on holiday that he wanted to catch up with some mates during the week. I'm fine with this, but Ididn't think he meant the whole week.

I'm pissed off as I wouldn't have taken a week off with no plans, if he told me this earlier I could. I said this to him & left his house. Since then I've had a text saying he hopes I'm enjoying my me time???

The arrangement is I'll meet up with him on Sunday.

Am I being a biatch & controlling. Is he being unreasonable or am I?

BTW we're not kids, I'm 40, he's 52.

LegacyUser

It doesnt sound like your the one being unreasonable. Shouting at you for waking him early when he asked you to is a bit unreasonable. If it happened once you could put it down to an off day, twice and its just rude and insulting. It sounds like he might be slipping back into old habits. You'll probably have to speak to him about how inconsiderate he's being and say you didnt take him back just to be treated like a mug.

Lollipops23

Tbh I think you are expecting a lot....I mean if I had a week off work I would spend time with my OH but I'd catch up on "me time" too...I'd say he assumes you wanted it?

Ok he may be a bit of a child when it comes to getting up in the morning,but it's hardly crime of the century!

Loosen up, but be firm about stuff like plans if you want it that way.

niceoneted

I'd think he is old enough to wake himself early so let him set his own clock for when he wants to get up.
I think there might be a case of mis communication in relation to what you were going to do on your own and as a couple for the 3 weeks you were off.
I am assuming assumptions were made. You should have planned this better yourself - have you friends you can catch up with during this week.
Not sure how to look at it long term.
Had you met anyone else eligible in the 4 yrs you were apart or were you looking, or holding out for him?
Don't give up but also don't just settle.
Good Luck .

Ickle Magoo

Does it seem like he's changed and that this time things will work out? Seems to be the same issues raising their head. Yelling at someone you have told to wake you early for doing just that is just ridiculous - and the whole getting you to wake him nonsense should have been knocked on the head when he did that.

I think you have to sit him down, spell out what is getting to you already because if it's starting to bug you after 6 months and a 4 yr break then it is only going to get worse. If you want X, Y or Z in your relationship then you have to let him know that and if he can't or won't provide that then you have to either accept that or move on.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies folks.

i think he is slipping back into old ways, old issues are raising their head & I'm a mug if I let that happen (to me) again.

We had made plans for this week. The first I'd heard that they were changed is when he mentioned it Tuesday. I have plenty of friends & have been keeping myself busy however I am 40. Most of my mates have young kids & work can't drop stuff at a moments notice. It was also very difficult workwise to get 3 weeks off, I worked a 12 hour day for a month to get it. I certainly wouldn't have done that with no plans for that last week and kept my leave for another time.

Thing is I don't want to do "the talk". That was an issue before. I was the one doing the talking while he couldn't see what my problem was. I felt I was tying myself in knots while he was suiting himself.

Will give it one last bash & if I'm being stonewalled, onwards & upwards.

Thanks for all your replies again, much appreciated.

I suppose I'll try one last time to spell out my concerns/

newtothis2010

OP, I'm no expert in reconciliations, having gone through one before only for it to end again, and the reason being is that we failed to fully and honestly address the one major area that any reconciliation should start with:

'what went wrong the last time (in detail) and how do we avoid it this time?'..

was this done by you both? I can understand that at 6 months in, perhaps its coming towards the end of the 're-honeymoon phase' and if the concerns of why it ended last time haven't been fully addressed then he's happy to slip back into that mode.

Were you together long the first time round? If so, then he may have built up a comfort zone with you which after 6 months this time has come to the fore much quicker...

Its hard to judge just from your posts what the mutual feeling is, but 6 months ago was it a heartfelt "I want this to work for us, as a couple" attitude or did it start and end with the " I was an ass, I'm sorry, take me back?" sort of speech which led to a complete rekindling of feelings/emotions and a desire to go with it without any thoughts to down the road, as in say, a brand new relationship with a first time partner.

I do applaud your efforts in taking the chance to reconcile, however if the problems of the past are not fully and coherently addressed then you must know that they can and indeed in this instance seem to be resurfacing.

You say you don't want to do 'the talk' but I think based on the miscommunication to date around a 3 week break and what ye would do then 'the talk' is what needs to happen and he needs to sit down and as a mature adult listen and input to it. Otherwise it will potentially get worse down the line.

He needs to understand that you won't tolerate this behaviour (and by posting on a forum such as this I can only surmise you won't) and that if that is the type of relationship he wants then perhaps he would be best placed looking for it elsewhere.

6 months into any relationship is normally the point that partners little idiosyncracies and annoying tendencies start to come to the fore and the blinkers come off.. when that happens they should be addressed, but in your case, you've obviously seen all these before and indeed some appear to have contributed to the demise of the relationship 4 years ago.

I think you need to take the bull by the horns, voice your concerns and wants, as Ickle said above, and indeed ask HIM what he wants and expects of this and what his feelings are about it.

As you pointed out, you are not kids and this type of conversation cannot be met with shuffling feet and a plea to go 'see his mates'...

IF he wants to be in a mature adult relationship then he needs to show it... ACTIONS speak louder than words especially in a reconciliation...

It may take some work, but from both of you, it cannot work as an unequal partnership.

Lasting, fulfilling second chances seem to be rare and he should be most grateful for this opportunity (as you should be!), especially if you do indeed hold that special connection. I'd go as far as to say, he should be spending as much time as he can showing you that he appreciates that chance to be with 'the best thing that ever happened him'..

I wish you luck Op.... here's hoping 2nd time round ends up being better than the first..