Mother making us crazy

LegacyUser

Hi all, I could use some opinions or feedback on this one. My mother is completely and utterly frustrating. She finds fault with everyone and is so opinionated it's ridiculous. Examples,
- she always has an opinion and feels that if someone differs from her that it's a personal attack on her and gets into a huff
- she is always of the opinion that she is right, so much so that I know many people cannot stand her and avoid her. Its obvious to many but not to her.
- always has something negative to say about many/certain people and seems to thrive on the topic of the recession and seeing people, mainly relatives, doing poorly when she feels that they prospered during the good times and were condescending to her; she will even go so far as to comment on people's outfits and what would look much better - like WHO CARES?
- certain family members and I have stopped speaking to her for long periods due to arguments and things she has done in the past so this is nothing new although I'm certain she is of the belief that she was right and did nothing wrong and it was all the other persons fault at the time.
- i could go on with more examples and stories that would raise your eyebrows but I'll leave it at this list for now

As I'm typing this, I probably am answering my own question. My folks have a cottage down the country that they use occasionally during the year but for the most part its empty. My father could care less who uses it although my mother is very particular. I mentioned using it occasionally from now on and she agreed although now my brother and I think she's going to go back on that agreement because she is afraid one of us and our families will do something to tit. There is nothing in it worth much value, just general household goods. Kids are old enough not to damage anything so we're not sure what is her problem. What would you advise: have it out with her about it and tell her to get over it, advise that we would contribute to the oil bill as I'm sure that's another issue she would have if it was used during the winter. I'm at the point that I'm thinking of not visiting her altogether and telling her to take her house and shove it. As it is, I don't think many people visit her anyhow and why should I put up with her behaviour. I'm a grown adult with a family of my own and if she wants to live out her days as a miserable old biddy then so be it. I have several times already packed up my stuff and left her home because of her attitude and the uncomfortable vibe she gives off when you're in her house. The long weekend is coming and I am supposed to visit but am afraid of another fight brewing because she seems to find fault with absolutely everything. Any ideas on how to handle this better? She is totally unreasonable but would have you think otherwise or twist the situation; she really can't seem to get along with anyone.

astra2000

Hi I sympathise with your situation my own mother can be quite difficult sometimes too and on the hand sometimes she can be so good its unbelievable. It can be hard to handle if she is in bad humor and I try to bite my tongue as much as possible as to be honest when she is in a mood there is no reasoning with her and like your mother it is a personal attack on her if you speak up my siblings and I usually just try and take no heed but its hard at times. Now my advice would be forget about the cottage because by the sounds of it she will find some thing imaginary to fault, just decide using it is not an option and you will at least stop one arguement dont get hostile about this or you will just blowup at her about it one day. My mother and her own mother were constantly argueing when we were children my grandmother was an extremly difficult person (must be where my mam gets it from, hope I dont get that gene) there were always fights it took my mother years to learn there was no winning and it was best to ignore her. Anyway when My first child was a toddler we had quiet a bad row and I made up my mind there and then this was not going to be the norm. I cant control my mother what she says or does but I can control myself and I do not want my kids growing up seeing this as I did. Further more I would be afraid that the same pattern would take place with my children and I. It is hard and you will never anticipate what will set her off but at her age she is not going to change im afraid. Other people may advise you to tell her straight out what you think or to cut contact but will that really make you any happier I think you have to learn how to make the best of a bad situation, which is a pity. Sorry for the long winded reply hope it helps and best of luck with this what ever you decide, who knows might get some helpful tips myself!

LegacyUser

thanks astra2000. I was beginning to think I was alone here. I can hear you on all the advice you've given and appreciate it all, and will take on board what I can. Regarding the cottage, the only issue is that its family land that its on and its sentimental. It's my dad's family and why she is like she is, is a complete mystery. She's not that old - mid 60's, but I can see the reasoning in not pushing it, but we're thinking 'you can't take it with you'. She can be so miserable at times and like you said, great the next, so I guess I should just let it in one ear and out the other which I try to do most of the time, which like you said is hard at times. I just cannot believe how she is and how people out there can be like this with their flesh and blood. It's a complete mystery how she can find fault with grandchildren as young as they are and as innocent. I will try to breathe and count to 10 when needed and will let you know how I get on. Again I really appreciate your reply and knowing that I'm not the only one out there with a totally crazy parent is somewhat of a comfort. PS - your message was not long winded! Thanks!

astra2000

I agree knowing im not the only one helps me too! This is not something I ever discuss with other people except hubby and siblings I only ever say she can be a bit difficult to my friends I would feel disloyal. To be honest I think it is a personality trait/issue due to not having had an easy life herself and like I say sometimes she can be so kind hearted its unreal. The thing with the cottage could be about having control something my mother likes but doesnt get enough of since we are all grown up and only has my dad to order around now. I think its best to count to 50 10 is never enough. I am interested to hear how you get on thanks for the reply:)

LegacyUser

I know what you mean, astra2000. Up until the last few years I had a great relationship with my parents - never a problem. It's only since 2004ish that things started to go haywire. My father isn't really the issue it's my mother - total control freak issue. Can agree, counting to 50 rather than 10 is the way to go, although I find it hard to bite my tongue as she should really get over things. An auntie of mine really think she need therapy - but try telling her that - she'd think I was crazy. Will try to go with the flow this weekend and will let you know how it goes. Siblings think I'm crazy as her track record is very bad. Thanks again - I appreciate your replies!