Alone in the world and losing faith,

jack shictt

Not sure how this is done I've never done it before, but well, I am getting really tired of life. All I ever wanted is a girl to love but I dont now if I can do it anymore.
I am 28, male and spent most of life alone and I am so tired of it now I dont know what to do. I spent a lot of life my enjoying myself which i now see as wasted because I smoked hash for so long I never bothered actually trying to meet girls, and when I did meet ones I liked there going with people or married and I just cant cheat on people.
I have no job, no house, no car, and I still live with my folks which is not very helpfull when a girl asks where do you live. I have no problem chatting to girls I usually break the ice for my mates but because they are succesfull (jobs,cars etc) they get the girls and I go home alone.
All I ever wanted was a girl to accept me for being me and I dont know who I am anymore. Its been that long i dont even know if i could please a girl. I actually cried myself to sleep last night due to loneliness. Its been over a year and half since I was last with a girl and I am actually starting to doubt my sexuailty even tho I know I am straight. I have only ever slepth with 8 girls which I find very sad when my mates start talking about there conquests and it makes me sick how then keep getting the girls. My biggest fear that Ill end up 50 looking after my parents and die alone. They are the only love I have in my life. Is it me or am I just fail.

Miss Fluff

Have you tried online dating? The reason I ask is that before actually meeting someone you can get the fact that you live with your folks out of the way (although I'd try being a little more upbeat:)). That way there are no false expectations or disappointments because you have laid your cards on the table before even going to meet a girl.

Cut yourself some slack. Plenty of people are renting/living with their parents. The recession has signalled a drastic change in circumstances for many people so I don't think any decent person will judge you.

On a side-note, have you been proactive in LOOKING for a job? Because if you get one, everything else will fall in to place for you m'dear.

jack shictt

jack shictt wrote: »

I have no job, no house, no car, and I still live with my folks

These are things about you that you are not happy with....

jack shictt wrote: »

All I ever wanted was a girl to accept me for being me and I dont know who I am anymore.

.... yet you want someone else to be happy about them for you? This will never work.

You need to forget the girls thing and sort the rest out. Not all at once. One step at a time.

When you are on the road to being happy with yourself, you will wake up one morning and just realise you are waking up beside the girl you want. Why? Because “getting the girl” is not something that you do… it is something that happens while you are living your own life.

Getting a job is something you can do. There is a procedure for this. You do the job searching. You identify the work you want to do. You seek qualifications to make you a more attractive candidate for the job you want and so on.

This is not true of getting the girl. There is no formula or procedure or set of rules.

Most people meet their ideal partner while living their life how they want to, and quite often you meet that person when you least expect it.

YOU say you do not know who you are. How do you expect some girl to accept you for who you are? How can she magically know who you are when even you do not... and therefore how can she accept what she does not know?

Forget the girls… concentrate on finding yourself first… and believe me most likely by the time you have found the answer to that, you will have found the girl on the way without even noticing it... or she found you.

LegacyUser

This is sound advice. I spent a long time doing nothing because I didn't believe in myself. I had a certain sense of myself, I believe in things and have a certain animus to do something important. But I never just got off my arse because I was frightened, shy, embarassed. It's been a long process, but I'm doing a job I love now, and I feel more like myself every day. I am achieving things and that makes me want to achieve more. OK, I've had a girlfriend, but I think that's going to end because I've changed, become someone better.

It's hard to get started but do anything but something always leads to something else if you let it. Be on your own journey and then you'll meet someone who you'll want to share your journey with and her with yours.

LegacyUser

Jeez OP I dont want to belittle your situation or anything but I dont think your position is as bad as it may seem. Im in my 30s and I havent had a girlfriend for nearly 4 years. So one and a half years being single isnt a lot really. Plus Ive only ever slept with one girl so 8 isnt doing bad at all.
Look, it doesnt bother me that I havent slept with a load of girls or that I havent had a girlfriend for a few years because I dont compare myself to other people. And thats the source of your problems. Its not because youve only been with 8 women or whatever the number, its because you're comparing yourself to what your friends claim to have done.
Forget about anybody else or what theyre doing or what the say theyre doing(in my experience, ive found people will talk a good game, reality is quite a different thing though)stop comparing your life to other peoples lives. You'll drive yourself nuts, guaranteed. Do what you want to do and live at your own pace.

Warrior Monk

Not so Bad is right. There are many people worse off than you (based on the info you provided).

My recommendation is for you to create a project for yourself. The purpose is that it will give you focus. While developing this project, look after yourself: eat well, sleep well, get exercise.

The project could be anything you are interested in: Writing a book, training for a marathon, painting pictures, writing songs.

Doing the above will refocus you and remove the negative ideas you have mentioned in your opening post.

I hope this is helpful for you.

Kind regards,
Warrior Monk

Justask

Warrior Monk wrote: »

Not so Bad is right. There are many people worse off than you (based on the info you provided).

My recommendation is for you to create a project for yourself. The purpose is that it will give you focus. While developing this project, look after yourself: eat well, sleep well, get exercise.

The project could be anything you are interested in: Writing a book, training for a marathon, painting pictures, writing songs.

Doing the above will refocus you and remove the negative ideas you have mentioned in your opening post.

I hope this is helpful for you.

Kind regards,
Warrior Monk

Its really nice to see people giving advice without dictating or judging on boards. Well done really good advice

petethebrick

You just need to pull yourself together - you're a bit too full of self pity I reckon.
1. The number of girls you've slept with doesnt matter (in fact 8 is a probably above average)
2. You really shouldn't be living with your parents at 28 years of age. Having no job is not an excuse. Plenty of my mates have no jobs in the current climate yet are renting their own accomodation (rent allowance covers almost all of it). You can't always be relying on a girl you meet for a place to screw.
3. You say you can set your mates up with girls -set yourself up with some of these chicks ffs!

Do you live in the country or in a city/town. It can be more difficult to meet people in the country/small towns as you get older but you have to put some effort in regardless of where you are. You remind me of some of my mates who I think are expecting a girlfriend to just fall into their laps. They've been waiting a long time at this stage Sure it happens sometimes but more often you gotta go looking for love.

katie99

I suggest you enrol for some university course in the Autumn.
Study for something you really feel passionate about.

When was the last time you applied for a job? When was last time you filled out a CV? What are your third level qualifications, if any?

Look up self esteem courses. Enrol for a wine tasting course. You will meet people and forget about the self inflicted social pressures.

When you least expect it, you will meet a girl.

Don't rush things, don't feel sorry for yourself, sleeping with 8 girls...wow

Mancoach

Hi OP

Before we examine your specific situation i think its important that we answer the following question:

What Do Women Really Want In A Man?

Most men are absolutely clueless as to what a woman really wants. What’s even worse, if you ask any woman this exact question, she won’t be able to give you an answer, at least not an honest one.

Here’s what I mean by that. When a question such as this is directed at a typical girl she’ll give you vague answers such as these:

• “I want a man that’s sensitive”
• “I want a man that’s not afraid to share his feelings”
• “I want a man that’s understanding”
• “I want a man that treats me with respect”

Now I don’t want to generalize here because every woman is unique, but I can say, with extreme confidence, that these are not the top priorities on a woman’s list. Yes, every woman wants to be treated nice, and every woman demands respect from her partner, but these priorities are secondary.
If a man doesn’t posses this one quality, she’ll never bother to get to know if he’s sensitive, respectful, or “sweet”. So what exactly is this quality? It’s…

CONFIDENCE

Confidence is the most important quality a woman bases her “make or break” decision with a man. It’s the absolute determinant of whether or not to let someone in her life and take the relationship further. If a man isn’t confident in her eyes, it doesn’t matter how good he looks, how much money is in his wallet, or how nice and respectful he might act towards her. Now what I just mentioned might seem overly simplistic, and to a certain degree it is, but there’s much more to it. For starters, the confidence that you emanate must be natural. You can’t fake it and most women will spot a faker a mile away. Also do not confuse arrogance with confidence. Arrogant guys are your typical self-conscious cowards in disguise and that’s why a truly confident man wins the girl hands down over the arrogant one.

So if we apply this to your situation then your problem in attracting Women jumps right out at us.

You have no confidence.

And how could you given your situation. You've spent your entire adult life as a stoner , you have no job , no car and live at home with your parents.

Furthermore you say you don't know who you are any more , that your beginning to question your sexuality and that you cry yourself to sleep at night.

The blunt truth is that you are suffering from depression either as a result of your long term Cannabis abuse or some other underlying mental health issue.

You need to visit your GP immediately and discuss your feelings with him. You can not put this off any longer. You are sick with a very common and very treatable illness.

This has to be your first step in turning your life around because if you don't treat your depression then it will be impossible for you to achieve the confidence i spoke of earlier.

And the best part is that i believe that you are a naturally confident person so this in time will come easy to you.

Why do i believe that?

Because 8 women have already thought so.

Because when not in a drug induced haze you have no problem chatting up women (a head start on most lads).

But mostly because you have had the balls to post on here recognizing you have a problem and seeking advice as how to fix it.

You are not a "fail". Your a confident man who has lost his way.

Now get your ass in gear and get some help.

Good luck Brother

Man Coach

jack shictt

I have to say thanks to your replies it is helping a lot. I am currently returning to college my 3rd and last year ( its not what I want to do but I have to finish it) so I couldn't get a job because if I did I lose my Back to Education allowance. As soon as my allowance comes through I will be looking for part time work. I actually have a few qualifiactions.I had a catch 22 in the first two years but I got through them, tho it was not easy.

I have to say folks you are all dead right. I have and do suffer from depression ( I have been picked on most my life and still get picked on by gangs) and have talked with a GP about it before and was prescribed meds but I did and do go on without it for fear of getting addicted to anti depressants. ( My parents are refomed acholics so I have been told that i have very addictive personailty and for this reason I dont drink very much at all),

Due to where I live and mates habits I spend a lot of time around drugs. I would not be able to walk down the street without passing someone or something to do with light and heavy drug users. I have started to distance myself from my mates for this excat matter.

Confidence is something I am lacking last time I was with a girl I lost my erection becasue I was afraid I would orgasam to early. I am also afraid of being laughed at a long story from my teenage years when I was in love with a girl who shifted 4 of my friends in one night, ( I was actually in tears over it) so I sent her an email on my feelings, I poured my heart out to her which she then printed out and handed out to my mates they found it very funny. It broke me tho and to this day I have no idea what is in the email tho all my mates do and wouldnt tell me.

Your dead right folks it is time I got my ass in gear. I am away this weekend on a trip which was donated to me well its more of a pilgrimage actually it is a pilrimage.

I was starting to think the world was full selfish people but after your answers well you are starting to give me faith again.

My aplogies for not being able to use quotes and my spelling is horrible, it is something that I am going to have to learn but its not the most important thing for me at the minute. I have along journey to go and with Gods and your help I'll take it one step at a time.

And thanks for you time folks.

Stu

I see this "confidence" thing popping up in threads all the time when people are discussing what attracts a women to a man. Everybody lacks confidence from time to time or in certain aspects of their lives, both men and women go through periods of low confidence. It puts a lot of pressure on men to have this "you must be super confident" to attract a women or else you will end up old and lonely.

Its like saying that every man is attracted to "Supermodels only" and if you aren't a supermodel you may as well stay indoors and avoid men. I can honestly say that i've only met about 10 people in my life (i'm 33) who i would say were truely confident in totally comfortable in their own skin and most were over 40.

Being confident is great and something we all want to be but most people hide their insecurities for the most part and try to put on a confident front. As long as you are a decent person who is trying to be the best person you can be, you can meet a nice girl even if you do lack some confidence. Maybe she might lack a bit of confidence and you can both help each other to grow as people but that last post from "The Confidence Guru" looks like it was taken word for word out of a Life Coch manual and should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Mancoach

Stu wrote: »

I see this "confidence" thing popping up in threads all the time when people are discussing what attracts a women to a man. Everybody lacks confidence from time to time or in certain aspects of their lives, both men and women go through periods of low confidence. It puts a lot of pressure on men to have this "you must be super confident" to attract a women or else you will end up old and lonely.

Its like saying that every man is attracted to "Supermodels only" and if you aren't a supermodel you may as well stay indoors and avoid men. I can honestly say that i've only met about 10 people in my life (i'm 33) who i would say were truely confident in totally comfortable in their own skin and most were over 40.

Being confident is great and something we all want to be but most people hide their insecurities for the most part and try to put on a confident front. As long as you are a decent person who is trying to be the best person you can be, you can meet a nice girl even if you do lack some confidence. Maybe she might lack a bit of confidence and you can both help each other to grow as people but that last post from "The Confidence Guru" looks like it was taken word for word out of a Life Coch manual and should be taken with a pinch of salt.

How ironic that you can dismiss the importance of confidence and then confidently dismiss the veracity of my post.

OP im glad you've taken some comfort in the advice given.

I think you should revisit with your GP in relation to the Antidepressants. Medical treatment for Depression has moved on a lot in the last few years and the latest generation of drugs available (SSRI's) are safe , clean and non addictive when taken under proper medical supervision. They may just give you that little kick you need to start changing your life to the one that you want and deserve.

Stu

Where exactly did i dismiss your post "mancoach". You'll have to point that out to me. Its just that your post smacks of something taken out of a self help manual. Some of what you say makes perfect sense but some of it is utter nonsense.

"Confidence is the most important quality a woman bases her “make or break” decision with a man."

Are you absolutely sure about that? Are you an expert on womens wants and needs? Confidence is important in terms of living a full and happy life but to say that a women will simply overlook a guy just because he lacks confidence is a load of rubbish.

What happens if a women gets with a confident guy and he has a traumatic experience/loses his job etc and loses his confidence for a period. Does she just dump him and find herself a new super confident guy. Come on, real life isn't like that.

unclecessna

Stu wrote: »

Where exactly did i dismiss your post "mancoach". You'll have to point that out to me. Its just that your post smacks of something taken out of a self help manual. Some of what you say makes perfect sense but some of it is utter nonsense.

"Confidence is the most important quality a woman bases her “make or break” decision with a man."

Are you absolutely sure about that? Are you an expert on womens wants and needs? Confidence is important in terms of living a full and happy life but to say that a women will simply overlook a guy just because he lacks confidence is a load of rubbish.

What happens if a women gets with a confident guy and he has a traumatic experience/loses his job etc and loses his confidence for a period. Does she just dump him and find herself a new super confident guy. Come on, real life isn't like that.

+1, agreed even though I also concur that mancoach made some relevant observations too.

I'm going to give an example of the above which I have witnessed for myself.

Several years back I was working with a guy who was in his mid 20's, a typical example of the ''nice guy'' that supposedly always comes last.(I even believed the cliche myself untill I saw this...) A good looking guy though not exactly movie star material or anything, quite shy and self-concious untill he got comfortable with you and then would loosen up a bit and even then he was still a bit self-concious in his actions and body language.

I'd say he had no luck with women in secondary school and through most of college judging from what you would pick up from him through random conversation. He was having better luck at that time because he was at an age where he had attained a bit more confidence from having just finished college and travelled but girls would still have had to put in the leg work with him due to his meek and shy nature.

Anyway this 19 year old girl who if we were in America would be the ''Prom Queen'' for sure started work with us. Heads everywhere both male and female would swivel when she came into the room and she herself was aware of it but was humble enough not to let it all go to her head. She was a very confident girl in any case.

She instantly took a big shine to this guy and was always around him. The problem was the guy was probably aware she fancied him but he was too shy to make a move. So I organised a party for another guy who was leaving work and get everyone to come out for a night on the town. A little liquid courage later and the two are like loves young dream.

Now several years later and they are still together. Met the guy in the street by chance before christmas and he was Mr. self-confidence incarnate - a long way from the guy I first met and indeed the guy who the girl took a shine to.

Now I admit that this is kind of an unusual one but it does show that though confidence definitely helps with women it isn't the be all and end all either. At the end of the day people either click or they don't and having an ocean sized store of self-confidence won't make the slightest difference if you don't click.

Mancoach

Stu I have no desire to engage in a pissing contest with you.

You are of course entitled to your opinion.

As I am to mine

jurgenscarl

You are comparing yourself to other people.

Many guys your age are virgins who have never kissed a woman in their lives. Seriously. It's true.
Many other guys have only been with one woman - some men - much less than in the past - wait until their wedding night to sleep with a woman.
8 women is above the average believe it or not.
Personally I have slept with so many women I have lost count.
Last Paddy's Day I had a threesome with two American girls I picked up in a nightclub.
Does that make me a better person than you?
Does that make me a success in life?
Absolutely not.
Warren Beatty is reported to be the most prolific womaniser in th history of Hollywood - he is said to have bedded three or more women a day over a 30 year period before he settled down with Annette Bening. The guy was a one man sexual revolution and was the inspiration for the song 'You're So Vain.'
Is Warren Beatty a better person because he was a sex machine who literally had sex with thousands of women?
True he is world famous actor, director and producer but his personal life is a mess - his daughter is having gender reassignment surgery and he is reported to be as mad as hell.
What you should do is concentrate on education, getting a job, earning money, getting on in life, aim on getting that house and career and car.
Focus on building a life for yourself.
Then women will come into your life.
A man who loves himself, who lives a full life will attract women like a magnet.
Instead of dreaming about it, go and do it.
Best of luck friendo.