Not sure what to do - is it the end?

LegacyUser

I'm in a long-term relationship, and honestly, I'm not sure what to do. Sometimes I'm just not sure if I see the world and my relationship the way it really is. I'm very inexperienced, really, so I don't know what's 'normal' to think or feel when it comes to this stuff. Should I just 'know' these things or not?

I've been with this girl who I can only describe in good terms: pretty, caring, loving, supportive, grounded, cool, honest, straight-talking, understanding, patient in many ways. Because of these traits, well, I'm a much better person. In my good moments, these are what I see, and I often well up with emotion (sometimes I don't feel I can handle this).

Since the beginning, though, in my mind, things can flip to traits that affect me negatively: she easily overreacts to stress (which affects me), she can be very moody (which affects me) and she's not always the best conversationalist. I like to talk about all kinds of things, and I try to make jokes, but often I feel that a part of me isn't, I dunno, received or recognised. While we have a lot of the same interests, some of my stronger interests aren't nourished.

Often, these positive and negative traits mix around day-to-day. Is this normal? Now, I would call myself insecure but working hard at improving myself and our relationship. As for sex life, well, it's OK, nothing major and, to be honest, over the years we weren't great at it as I think, while we fancied each other, we weren't confident. I'm the sort who wants to try things to see how they feel, I suppose I want more, but while she's not opposed to trying things, they rarely work. I'm happy with how sex brings us closer, but I don't know if it's really enough. I don't need to be a porn star, we've had many conversations about just playing around and having a 'menu' of things depending on how we feel. Also, while I'm attracted to her, I wouldn't say I've stopped noticing other girls or thinking about them sexually.

Anyway, all these things play on my mind. And in between this all, work situations have often been stressful to the point that it took a toll on things. She sees through this all, because our relationship is her reference point, but I don't see it the same way. For a long time, I haven't know where I've been going in life (or was afraid to admit it) but we talked about things and seemed to accomodate each other well. We've talked about marriage, or rather, her need for commitment - needing to sort out non-relationship things in my head, I was given space. So, depending on what's going on in her or our life or my head, the positive or negative things will dominate.

We've had our ups and downs as any LTR would, and we've always come through them.

I pursued a job opportunity abroad and for the past number of months we've been together long distance. Now, for the first time, I can genuinely say as an individual that I'm happy with work and who I've become as a person (relying on myself, overcoming insecurities, etc.), but on top of that she never left my field of vision, we would always be together again and, thinking I'd turned a corner, I was seeing the future. But I feel an ultimatum is coming, well, I'm pretty sure it is: get engaged or that's it. I felt mostly OK about that, riding a wave of positivity between us, living a great life as she came to visit. But my head has done a 180 on this and now all I feel is panic, stress, anxiety. I feel I'm withdrawing from her emotionally and physically. But, you know, does this just maintain a vicious cycle that's in my head? On the other hand, we've gotten through this and it's a good thing, we've both said that.

I can't work, I read Boards.ie incessantly for some glimmer of hope or advice, but now I'm here. Again, I feel backed into a corner and this is affecting my feelings for her, which were mostly fine until a couple of weeks ago. I just don't know whether the right thing is to have a conversation which I suspect will end everything and I don't know if that's something deep down I want but can't admit it, or I'm just scared of all the future implications of engagement (and whether I'm scared for the right or wrong reasons). So then I feel selfish, guilty, etc. But honestly, I can't go into something and end up realising that these feelings of unsureness or panic will stay and come between us. So I'm asking myself, realistically, should I end it? But then I get the fear, and beneath that, feelings of love and attraction and thinking what would happen if she wasn't in my life? I can't imagine hurting her like this, but what's the right thing to do?

My head's spinning. I don't know what's real and what's not. Sometimes I feel, even this long in, at this age, I'm so inexperienced that my questions about life overwhelm things.

LegacyUser

armandthy wrote: »

........and she's not always the best conversationalist. I like to talk about all kinds of things, and I try to make jokes, but often I feel that a part of me isn't, I dunno, received or recognised. While we have a lot of the same interests, some of my stronger interests aren't nourished.

That rings an alarm bell for me.

That's the reason I've split up with many girlfriends over the years. My jokes fell on deaf ears, the conversations I wanted to have never developed beyond the banal..... I might fancied them at the start, gave the relationship a go but utimately, they could never work because we communicated on different levels.

A good friend of mine, an ex actually, was like your partner. I love talking about many things.... she didn't. I was light hearted, she was moody. It nearly destroyed me as I found myself and my personality changing - and I found myself getting on better with other people.

I've described it here before but it was like the branches of my personality were being lopped off and all I was left with was a trunk. I was being cut down through no fault of hers. I then found I couldn't express myself to her.

Was out with another girl a couple of years back and we hit it off the night we met.... it was like bumping into myself.... never laughed as much and I'm still looking for another her. We talked and talked and laughed and laughed. It was unbelievable how we communicated...... she dumped me unfortunately but I saw how great a relationship could be. I'm still looking for someone like that.

You can't change your partner into someone who will start appreciating your jokes, or taking an interest in the minutiae of life if they don't.

Would I get engaged to someone who I don't feel I can be myself with/who doesn't appreciate my humour/who I can't talk about most things with? The answer is no.

LegacyUser

OP here, please, tell me more.