6 year old attitude/behaviour problem

sara025

Hi,
I feel so stupid writing a post on an issue I'm having with my 6 year old daughter, but its getting out of hand over the last few weeks.
She has developed an attitude problem so mean & it seems to be mainly directed at me, as with her Daddy & grandmother she is still the same sweet, kind, caring girl she always has been. I do still see this side of her, and she really is a joyful kid at heart...but in between (& recently more frequently in between) she has this attitude that still shocks me.
I am her primary caregiver, her Dad works the usual weekly amount, I go to college full time when she is at school & we have holidays off together.
Lately she constantly has to control everything...playing with other kids she has to control the rules & loses the rag when someone doesnt play within the rules...bedtime routine she asks for 1 cartoon or colouring time for an extra few mins for example & swears she will be good but when the time comes she has a face on her and attitude begins, so we go to bed fighting...she answers back even when i say the smallest things to her, things that arent even telling her off or to do something, she will still say something disrespectful...she gets treated with cinema or a small toy or her favourite meal or something and as soon as we come out of there she has a face on her that is well sour & the attitude begins...

When i tell her not to have attitude & to be more respectful towards her parents I never bear down on her and overpower her as an adult, as I remember my childhood being miserable due to wooden spoons and having no say in anything because I was a child & an adult was always right. I make sure we talk about things and she understands how other people feel...

...but ten minutes later its like she forgets and cant help herself & starts moaning about something else!

She was always such a fun loving child who loved life & was interested in everything...now I see more mean & moaning than anything else.

"I wish I was never born"..."I hope i die before you"..."I'm going to run away"....are regular sayings from her daily these days.

I am with her 24/7 during the summer holidays & when I am at college things arent much better as its seems like she is saving up the attitude for when she's around me. Her school reports are excellent, she is a very bright child who has always exceeded timelines for work in her class. She starts 1st class this September.

I dont know how to handle it any more, I thought I was being a really good parent up until now as I always treated my child as an individul & as an equal (something that I know alot of parents dont do)...I have always explained things to her & never not listened to her point of view...Her punishments are usually a 5 minute time out in a quiet room & a cuddle & talk about the problem after...I dont know what else to do as lately she gets so worked up over nothing...I speak in a calm rational voice about why I dont like the behaviour & she starts the squeaky voice & moaning...and believe me, no amount of me explaining can stop it.
This may sound like every other 6 year old, but these evens take up the whole day, there is at least one tantrum every hour or so...and yes, i do activities with her, she is not bored & she gets lot of fresh air.

I'm going mad & a 6 year old child is driving me there...I cry most nights over it...I dont know what to do, and i guess I'm looking to see that I'm not alone, that its not just my child & any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Nevyn

Power struggle.

She is at an age where she gets herself up washed and dressed and thinks that she is on the same level as you and that you are equals and so resent any power or control you have over her.

The thing is while it is good to respect your child you are not equals, she is the child and you are the adult in charge. As hard as it may be to do, I think it is time to get hardassed with her.

I had to do it with mine, it was hard but they came away knowing that while I love them and want what is best for them I am the parent, I am in charge no if, ands or buts and that is the bottom line.

She is old enough and by the sound of it smart enough to to have graduated from time outs to punishment tasks. Being made to put away washing or do chores or wash down the doors or pick up all the papers in the garden won't do her any harm, will teach her skills and will teach her that her time is not her own and that if she throws a strop or tantrum or defines you and breaks the rules (which should include speaking to you in a respectful manner) that she has to do a punishment task.

I did this with mine and I also refused to let them have any say in anything.
It started with games and then to what was for dinner and lunch, and when things got really bad it was even down to what clothes they were allowed to wear.

If they wanted a say and they wanted a certian level of freedom and automny then they had to earn it with good behaviour.

It won't be easy, it will be hellish but children need rules and boundaries it makes them feel safe and know you are looking after them and are in charge. So it's not just your child, usually they are about 7 when they start trying this on and you have to nip this in the bud now or else her teenage years will be a nightmare as she won't have any respect for you or the house/family rules.

metrovelvet

I have no experience with this as my child is only three, but from my point of view, for whatever it's worth, maybe you are a bit too democratic with her and its time to show her who's boss.

You're going to have to be the meanie for a while.

sara025

I am being such the meanie these days, i do tell her I'm in charge and all that, I ment I treat her as an equal as she is a human being and she is not on this earth to be ordered around all the time...as in my parents treated me in a way where I was to be seen and not heard and my point of view was not important as I was merely a child & I have grown up with a mistrust of adults & struggled with authority as a result....
So I guess I'm trying my hardest not for her to feel she is ever treated unfairly, which is obviously biting me on the ass now.
I am definately more a parent than a friend to her, I know this is something alot of people think may be the issue, so its not that! But she has always been given a sense of security and routine in her life & the role of me & her father in her life has always been clear.
I have always given her good choices and she understands that sometimes there is a consequence for making a bad decision...just nowadays she throws a mother of tantrum when the consequence of a bad decision comes around...she acts like life is simply not fair just for her, and feels well sorry for herself during a tantrum.
I appreciate the advice on the punishments, I will start giving her more jobs as a result of bold behaviour...I know she is a little old for 'time-outs' but this seems to be the only way for us not to come to tremendous blows over what has happened as we both get a few minutes away from each other to calm a little before discussing the issue. (Although lately she argues and fights with me after the 'time-out' about the issue anyway!)

Overature

you need the naughty step or the time out step where they sit for a couple of minutes and be quite, or you could take some of her toys away

Jelly2

I don't mean to suggest that there is a good cop/bad cop routine between your partner and you in all of this, but you need to bring him on board fully with this. Does he back you up when your daughter defies you? You say she is fine when with him, but you need to discuss the problem with him, and ensure that she does not manage to play you off against one another, however indirectly.

Ickle Magoo

It's a phase, my wee man is going through the same and he's 5.5 so roughly same age. We get the same comments almost word for word and like your wee one, everything revolves around him and life being such an injustice for him.

Not a lot to do but try to keep nudging them in the right direction and wait for the phase to pass. I think there is a lot of frustration, a lot of realising they are a separate person with their own rights but without the knowledge of when and where it is appropriate to exercise those rights. We pick our fights and ignore the rest, lots of praise and reward when he gets it right or is quick to understand why he's being unreasonable.

We have started him on a football sticker book he loves and every day that he uses negotiation and calm talking rather than shouting or temper or trying to use emotional blackmail and he does his "chores" (putting dishes away, rubbish in bin, washing in basket, helps with cooking, etc) he gets a pack of stickers and so far, it's helping a lot. It's hard going but I think you have to bite your lip and not get involved in the moaning or the complaining, or the to'ing and fro'ing. Ignore it and change the subject, quickly move onto something else to take their interest or just walk away and don't listen to it.

We have a "I can't understand you when you speak like like that" for when there is moaning or pouting going on and we just carry one around him ignoring it until he snaps out of it. Sometimes it's upset or hurt being redirected as anger and although it's the last thing you feel like doing, a great big hug is the quickest and best route to the end of the mood. Sometimes taking away some kind of privilege and then ignoring the inevitable fall out works best. You just have to play it by ear but by far the best thing you can do to get over a whiny voice or something done to push your buttons or power play is to not react, at all.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Op I know you think you're doing your best by treating her like an equal, but she's a child. That doesn't mean you walk all over her, but nor does it mean you allow her to negotiate. You are the adult. That is the bottom line. She will respect you more if you set boundaries and make her stick to them. She's not your best friend, she's your daughter. In time, she can and will be your best friend, but right now, she's 6 and she's still growing and learning.

Don't negotiate. Walk away from the to-ing and fro-ing as said above. You are the adult. Don't get tied into wars of words that make no sense and leave you both in a rage. Let her throw her tantrum, let her have her sulk, but don't budge away from whatever the punishment is. She'll live and so will you. And in time, it should get less as she learns what's acceptable and what's not.

I have a young cousin who's 7 and spends her whole time negotiating and arguing...it makes me tired to listen to her! My aunt engages with her in this way, and it inevitably ends in a row. For example, she's a bad eater and she picks at food, then starts in with "I don't like it", "i'm not hungry", "you wouldn't let me have what I wanted earlier,why should I eat this now" etc,etc.This goes on and on and on...yet if anyone else gets involved, she shuts up and the dinner is gone in a second. Obviously I can't say anything to my aunt about how she operates, but it's painful to watch and hear.

Good luck OP.Pick your battles and ignore the rest.

SerialComplaint

Is she picking up the attitude from somewhere else - friends or TV shows maybe?