I really cant

LegacyUser

I dont know where to begin except to apologise for the length of this post. My life is a constant battle and i feel like day by day i am losing more and more. I am suffering from depression, asthma and a physical disability which means i cant even go for a long walk to clear my head like i used to.

Mods before i go on please, please do not just lock this and say see a counsellor/gp i have an appointment with a counsellor at 4 today and anti-depressants didnt work before for me.

I am just out of a three year relationship and to say i am a wreck would be an understatement, she was everything to me and i want to have everything with her, marriage, kids, the whole future life together. I cant take this pain anymore and last night i actually wrote a suicide letter which is still sitting open on my computer. The only thing that stopped me was the thoughts of the hurt it would put on my daughter and my mother. The thoughts of how much it would hurt them has stopped me doing it up to now but i feel its not enough anymore, they might think me selfish for doing it but i would think them selfish for wanting/making me live when i really dont want to, or even cant

Everyday there is pain be it physical, emotional etc but its a daily thing, i just want the pain to go away and i dont know how to make it all go away

Jenneke87

Hey there,

I kind of know how you feel. Just like you I´m always in physical pain(I can´t relate to the emotional side sorry) It´s frustrating, I know, seeing everybody around being able to do as they please, serving as a daily reminder of all the things you can´t do......:(

Very good that you are getting counseling and seeking help. Ending your life is not an option and you now that. The moment you end your pain, the suffering of your loved ones is only beginning. The emotional pain is still fresh and raw, but eventually you will come to terms with it. Takes things very very easy for now, and know that better times wil come!

George Orwell 1982

To be honest if I were you I would consider spending a few weeks in a hospital. I know there is a lot of stigma etc but it sounds like you are really low and a whole lot of problems have collided and you need rest and a safe place. Talk to your GP about it. If you have private health insurance the private hospitals are really good.

LegacyUser

I saw the counsellor yesterday, it was supposed to be a half hour session but she was that worried the session went on for an hour and a half. She is writing a letter to my doctor outlining everything so he knows the craic and i have an emergency appointment on friday morning with the doctor. He will probably want me to go on anti-depressants again but i was on them for six months before and they actually made matters worse

The hospital idea isnt an option with my personal situation

Thank you for your kind replies, i know it is very early days but i actually feel worse today then i did yesterday

Kimia

Hi Op. I'm sorry you're feeling so down, it sounds dreadful. It's awful when you are at the bottom of a black hole and you can't find your way out.

Have you ever considered reading some self help books or practising meditation? You mentioned going for a walk to clear your head - you could clear your head by doing this, maybe try googling some techniques? It really helps to center you.

Life is what you make it. I know that doesn't help much now but sometimes it's good to know that you have the power in you right now (and always) to change this situation, so if there's something in your life that's causing this unhappiness it's within you to make it better, you just need to find it.

I hope that the despair doesn't completely over take you. Optimism and positivity can actually be a habit, so even if you're pretending at first, try and practice being positive and you'll find that it'll stick. Likewise, if you're used to feeling crappy, that'll stick too.

I wish you all the best.

WesternNight

Cant_take_it wrote: »

He will probably want me to go on anti-depressants again but i was on them for six months before and they actually made matters worse

One of the bloody awful things about anti-depressants is that there isn't one to suit everyone. It often takes quite a bit of trial and error to find one that really does benefit you. But it is worth the trial and error if you do find one that helps.

Tell the doctor that the ones you were on before didn't help so he knows to try another one.

Good luck.

Chipnick

OP I am sorry you feel this way at the moment.

I hope you will find the strength to take it day by day and explore ways of getting better.

I don't usually post about myself personally online but I feel moved by your post to write something down which I hope you will read and perhaps gain from.

In terms of your physical disability and the pain, I'm not sure what your physical disability is but I have one too (RA). I became extremely ill 7 yeas ago when I was 26 for almost two years whereby my mother had to dress me and undress me and I was on alot of medication at the time (almost 100 tabs per week).

For a young, vibrant, attractive woman who had a full life previously, I found it hard to take as I looked and felt like death and the pain was constant and unbearable. But looking at the faces of my mam, dad, sister and best friend made me determined to fight it and stay positive for them so I kept working as much as I could which helped my self esteem.

I am on new strain of bio medicine for the disease and it has given me a new lease of life - I can't believe that was me a few years ago. I am not cured and spend about a day per week in hospital for various treatment.

When I was in less pain, I undertook a 5 month stint at the Central Remedial Clinic working in the school with physically diabled children and I found it an inspirational experience - I felt useful and inspired by the kids there.

My point is that life and it's experiences (across the board from health to love) are transient and utterly changeable... The bad times don't last forever and the good times come and go also.