Constant dope-smoking lead to split

LegacyUser

I posted here about two months back over my parter of many years spending HUGE amounts of time smoking dope with his brothers and the extraordinary pressure it was putting on our relationship. The relationship crashed under the weight of that pressure and we finished for good six weeks ago.

The problem that I have now is in trying to move on and trying to work past the resentments I still feel. Basically there were three brothers involved, my partner and two of his (younger) brothers. Both of these blokes have girlfriends and the three brothers and two girlfriends would sit around smoking hash and all that, and that's really not the sort of life I want to live, so (despite my ex's suggestions to the contrary) I didn't involved in that.

It's not that any of the people involved here are bad people, they're not; they were just living the sort of lifestyle I wanted to avoid. I did all that sh!t in my teens and in my mid-thirties I just wanted to have a stable relationship, maybe get married and have kids, but certainly not sit around 3/4/5/6 nights a week, week-in/week-out smoking hash with people some of whom are years younger than I am.

The main resentment I have right now is that my ex cannot/could not appreciate that neither of his brothers were expected to live this lifestyle at a cost to either of their relationships because they were not expected to leave their partners alone for huge chunks of each week. But that was expected of my bf and he was prepared to pay that price. That's the main crux of my resentment - that our relationship, which spanned the guts of a decade, came second place to sitting around getting stoned, and that nobody was expected to give up anything but him, and that he gave our relationship up, and gladly.

Towards the end we had no relationship left. We were able to spend feck-all time together and the time we did have was spent listening to his phone beeping and ringing with his brothers looking for him to go back up to the flat they shared, as per usual. It ended in a huge bust up between me and him where I literally fcuked him out the door and told him to go back up to his "fcuking brothers". I didn't care who heard me screaming and nearly took my own front door of the hinges slamming it behind him, lol.

Part of me knows that I'm better off. I've gone mad buying new clothes and heels and taking care of myself generally. I am making moves on my own to forge out a new life without that stupid hassle, head-wreak and dissapointment, but I still have these horrible resentments to deal with. These 'why was I not worth more than a constant hash party' thoughts. I've done a fair bit of crying, but often I'm just boiling with contempt, resentment and disgust. I'd like to get rid of these feelings and move on properly. There has been no contact whatsoever from either direction in six weeks, so he has obviously decided to prioritise his relationship with his brothers and the cannabis addiction they share. I don't feel that I could ever forgive him for prioritising me and us last behind bullsh!t carry-on like that.

I need some help in moving on. I'd really appreciate some honesty here but please be gentle because I am in a very emotionally fragile place right now. Thank you.

redhed35

congratulations!
your free.
your free from a dead end relationship with a guy who did'nt give a crap in the end.
HE made his choice,hes entitled to it as are you.
whats the plan for the next ten years?

what do you want now?
you know what you dont want.

write a list of all the crappy things he did,then tear it up,make a plan for you and instead of putting your heart and energy into a past relationship put that time into carving out your future.
set yourself a goal,do you want to travel? go back to college?
get excited about your future and the freedom you now have without the shackles on your feet.
his loss is your gain.
in time you will look back and say 'what was i thinking!'
he was a teenage boy living in a mans body,your a fully grown women with the world at your feet and knows she is not going to tolerate a second of crap from any man ever again.

SarahSassy

Well done. You coudl have wasted 10 more years on him.

LegacyUser

redhed35 wrote: »

he was a teenage boy living in a mans body,your a fully grown women with the world at your feet and knows she is not going to tolerate a second of crap from any man ever again.

Thank you Redhead35! I'm shocked and weirdly thrilled that this quote above parrots exactly what I've been going around saying to all my close female friends for the last six weeks!

Ickle Magoo

Just give yourself some time, six weeks is not a lot to get over such a long drawn-out ending to a relationship.

Of course you are hurting and you are upset. Any long term relationship that ends because one party is refusing to make the relationship their priority is going to bloody hurt and put a massive dent in your confidence.

Make a list of all the reasons you ended it, every occasion that upset you or made you feel like crap, every fight it caused...whenever you feel down have a look at it and reassure yourself you deserve better than another 25 years of that.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well done. You coudl have wasted 10 more years on him.

The hurtful thing Sarah is that I do not regard most of our relationship a waste, because it wasn't. We were very happy for most of the time we were together. The BS only started in the last year. But, regardless when it started, he made it very clear that it wasn't going to stop so there was nothing to do but kick him out of my life.

LegacyUser

My relationship of 2 and a half years ended in January due to my ex's bad behaviour and hash and alcohol issues.
Should have known better looking back now but it isn't easy to break away from someone especially when they have violent tendencies.
If he never gave you even a hint that he might give it up well then your relationship was always going to suffer. I told him at the time the only thing I was willing to be second to was his son but at the end of the day hash/weed and drink were more important to him.
His choice, his mind, his life. It's not my problem anymore.
I started to go to Al-Anon sometime back and it helps somewhat with the bags of resentments i have towards him and others. I would recommend going to a meeting and you never know you might benefit from it.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Of course you are hurting and you are upset. Any long term relationship that ends because one party is refusing to make the relationship their priority is going to bloody hurt and put a massive dent in your confidence.

Thank you so much for your comforting words Ickle Magoo. You're right in that I'm extremely hurt but to be honest it hasn't put much of a dent in my confidence. I've been getting dolled up and going out and about the last three or four weeks (once I got over the worst of the bawling!) and I cant get over the amount of male attention I've been getting. I know that I'm a good-looking woman and the more men that chase me for my phone number the more of an unappreciative arsehole I'm assuming my ex must have been!

Ickle Magoo

Resentments wrote: »

Thank you so much for your comforting words Ickle Magoo. You're right in that I'm extremely hurt but to be honest it hasn't put much of a dent in my confidence. I've been getting dolled up and going out and about the last three or four weeks (once I got over the worst of the bawling!) and I cant get over the amount of male attention I've been getting. I know that I'm a good-looking woman and the more men that chase me for my phone number the more of an unappreciative arsehole I'm assuming my ex must have been!

It's good you're throwing yourself back into life, the confidence comment was in relation to your saying "why was I not worth more...". Constantly wondering why something else takes priority has to take it's toll - I'm delighted if it's not making much of a dent. Onwards and upwards, congratulate yourself on knowing you were worth more, even if he didn't. :cool:

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

It's good you're throwing yourself back into life, the confidence comment was in relation to your saying "why was I not worth more...". Constantly wondering why something else takes priority has to take it's toll - I'm delighted if it's not making much of a dent. Onwards and upwards, congratulate yourself on knowing you were worth more, even if he didn't. :cool:

Thanks. I guess what I meant was 'why was I not worth more TO HIM' - and I guess the only honest answer to that is 'because he didn't love me the way I deserve and need to be loved'. A tough one to swallow alright, but there are men out there aplenty, and I am trying to train my mind to looking forward instead of back.

...Some days it is so hard though, so if anyone has any more practical suggestions I'd be really happy to hear them.

Miss Fluff

Resentments wrote: »

I've been getting dolled up and going out and about the last three or four weeks (once I got over the worst of the bawling!) and I cant get over the amount of male attention I've been getting. I know that I'm a good-looking woman and the more men that chase me for my phone number the more of an unappreciative arsehole I'm assuming my ex must have been!

Yes, a total ar$ehole. People assume hash and weed are not addicitive but I also had a LTR with a dopehead and to say it consumed his life was an understatement. Sure, everyone does/did enjoy a toke now and then but I know how corrosive living with an addict is.

You've totally done the right thing. Rather than feeling this anger and resentment I'd just feel sorry for him. He's a twat. He has lost out on an evidently great girl and for what? A life of caning it. Well done you for recognising that you're worth so much more than that. I'd put money on it that were you to look into a crystal ball ten years from now he will still be caning it and letting life pass him by.

LegacyUser

redhed35 wrote: »

he was a teenage boy living in a mans body,your a fully grown women with the world at your feet and knows she is not going to tolerate a second of crap from any man ever again.

Resentments wrote:

Some days it is so hard though, so if anyone has any more practical suggestions I'd be really happy to hear them.

Hi Resentments, I'm a bloke and at the risk of getting shot down by the sisterhood my only suggestion is not to take on board the last bit of advice from redhed above.

That is try to leave your username and all the resentment you feel for 10 years you're now thinking you wasted behind. Totally understandable to feel like that and I've nothing but admiration for you making the decision enough is enough and finishing it. After that much time with someone I know how hard that can be. Takes a lot of guts and character.

However the "she is not going to tolerate a second of crap from any man ever again." outlook is another extreme and a path I would advise you not to go down.

There are many decent guys out there, just as there are many decent girls, and neither deserve this zero tolerance attitude based on bitter experiences from the past.

Very easy to fall into this way of thinking and I have almost done it myself when based on my own experiences I found it very hard to ever trust another girl. However I realised that to keep thinking like that was only damaging to myself and the only way to move on was to start afresh.

Not saying you should forget it or allow yourself to be someone's doormat. Just saying try to let go of the bitterness, and take the positives. You're a stronger person for what you've done, more self assured, confident and no doubt wiser too. Next guy you meet is going to be a lucky guy, just don't judge him by the last

LegacyUser

^^ what he said

i'd also like to add that there are plenty of us out there that enjoy a spliff in the evening with/without our partners and still manage to conduct a normal relationship.

i personally enjoy one or two most evenings after work but my partner doesnt. we still get along like normal. i think the differance is that your ex was just "getting stoned" where as any smoker with a little sense uses it for a little mild relaxation (kinda like having a beer after work or a cup of tea even).

not on a crusade here, just addressing a part of your post that hadnt been addressed.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

To the last two posters: It's helpful to get a blokes perspective, but to be honest I think Redhead35 is right on the money. I don't think I've wasted the lasts ten years guest1234, just the last twelve months, and I don't ever intend to have that experience again. I should have booted his arse out the door after a few weeks of that crap, not after a year of it; but I do get your message about not carrying resentments from one relationship to the next, that's very important. It's not resentments I'll be carrying, but I'll certainly carry the lesson of it, and I'll NEVER allow a man to make me the least important thing in this life again.

And smokeforfun, I'd advise you to be careful that your intake of cannabis doesn't spiral out of control like my partners did. He was a much lighter smoker than you are and had been since the day I met him - that didn't stop his recreational habit taking over his life and trashing his relationship. As Miss Fluff says, it can overtake a life, and it's very sad to see that happen to someone you love. I'm not preaching here, I watch my own alcohol intake because I know what alcoholism looks like. I'm just advising you to do the same thing.

I've felt very emotionally exhausted the last few days and the responses on this thread have been helpful, so thanks to everyone who responded for that. I'm going to just try to keep soildering on and find a way to work through the bitterness and if anyone has any more ideas about how that's best done I'm all ears (or eyes, in this context! lol)

SheRa

Op you sound like you know that you've done the right thing. In a breakup i think that does make it easier. Moving on and keeping busy is brilliant, and thats great that you are getting loads of make attention. But even though you have been upset, it prob hasn't hit you properly yet, so give yourself time to grieve and sometimes time is the only answer.

LegacyUser

Thanks Shera. I am actually a bit frightened about that. I'm frightened about the idea of just being hit by this tidal wave of unexpected grief weeks or months from now. This is like a berevement, I know, and I don't think I've grieved properly yet.

Danniboo

Resentments wrote: »

Thanks Shera. I am actually a bit frightened about that. I'm frightened about the idea of just being hit by this tidal wave of unexpected grief weeks or months from now. This is like a berevement, I know, and I don't think I've grieved properly yet.

Hey, that's awful you poor thing, drink and drugs, the root of all evil. My ex wanted me to move in with him not enough though that he'd stop drinking for me. When we first broke up I was happy out, buying new clothes lost a good bit of weight out with the girlies met new friends out on nights out here and there and then unfortunately it only hit me a few weeks ago. Just be prepared hon, 10 years is a hell of a long time. You're right it's sad to see the destruction drink/drugs etc does to people you love but unless we can look after number one we can't look after anyone else xx

redhed35

to expand a little on my 'you wont tolerate crap from any man again' line.

if you dont learn from a relationship you stay making the same mistakes over and over again.

not tolerating crap is setting a standard for yourself and future relationships.

once you reach your emotional pain ceiling in a relationship,and get out, its very difficult to accept the same treatment from someone else,ie,crap,wether, emotional,mental or physical.

unless you learn you repeat the mistakes,differant face,same problems.

you teach people how to treat you.

LegacyUser

redhed35 wrote: »

to expand a little on my 'you wont tolerate crap from any man again' line.

if you dont learn from a relationship you stay making the same mistakes over and over again.

not tolerating crap is setting a standard for yourself and future relationships.

once you reach your emotional pain ceiling in a relationship,and get out, its very difficult to accept the same treatment from someone else,ie,crap,wether, emotional,mental or physical.

unless you learn you repeat the mistakes,differant face,same problems.

you teach people how to treat you.

thanks for expanding on that Redhed, the original "to tolerate a second of crap from any man ever again." came across a little extreme. Almost like you're on your last warning before you've even had a first. Everyone deserves a chance, and to go into any relationship where the mindset is guilty until proven innocent is pointless.

naturally you learn from past experience, that's what experience means at the end of the day. But hopefully it also means you make more balanced choices in the future and are less likely to put yourself in the same position again where you have to make that decision.

LegacyUser

Resentments wrote: »

Thanks everyone.



And smokeforfun, I'd advise you to be careful that your intake of cannabis doesn't spiral out of control like my partners did. He was a much lighter smoker than you are and had been since the day I met him - that didn't stop his recreational habit taking over his life and trashing his relationship. As Miss Fluff says, it can overtake a life, and it's very sad to see that happen to someone you love. I'm not preaching here, I watch my own alcohol intake because I know what alcoholism looks like. I'm just advising you to do the same thing.

thanks for your concern but as a 34 yr old that has smoked nearly every evening for the last 20 years while holding down a job, relationship and child, i reckon i might just have a handle on it ;-)

anyway, my point was that your ex turned into a stoner. not every smoker is a stoner so im just saying that given the huge amount of people out there that smoke, try not to let your ex taint your views... we are a peaceful type of people :-)