Treated badly by friend - but added complication..

TiffanyTrott

..as said 'friend' is also to be Godmother to my little boy

I want to change this as I really want my son's Godparents to be as good as my and my OH's Godparents are/were for us. I have no idea how to go about doing this and/or what to do about this friend in general.

The reasons I want to ask someone else stem from her behaviour in the last year. She has become very unreliable and thoughtless. I had, although I didn't realise it, been making excuses for her behaviour for some time but another friend (who she let down badly at the weekend) pointed this out to me - and sadly, in retrospect, it's true

She consistently says she is going to do things but either 'forgets' or simply doesn't show up with no phone call to explain or let anyone know. (on Sat it was to lend another friend a bit of kit - she was to meet her at the venue with it but never showed - other friend was v angry but I prevented her saying anything. We both tried calling her on Sat but she was not answering her phone)

She says she 'calls a spade a spade' which can be a good thing but she has little or no tact and can be very harsh and hurtful in her opinions which she defends by saying she is 'only being honest' and 'why should she sugarcoat' but she can and does hurt peoples feelings.

I run a business which she used to help out with (paid by me) but I have stopped asking her as she has offended some of my clients - I did this gently by simply saying I couldn't afford to pay her although I do pay someone else and am worried she will find out (how pathetic am I :rolleyes:)

She has not called/texted either me or other friend to explain her whereabouts/reason for not coming. Yesterday was my birthday and she didn't even call or text - she is supposed to be a very close friend.

I'm not really angry - more hurt. I am however decided - after OtherFriend having pointed out to me how much she lets me down, yet is happy to ask me to do her favours when she needs them (which I always do - mug!) - that she will not make the Godmother I want for my son. I do not want him let down. My Godparents were supportive, there for me, never forgot an occasion and still are part of my life. I want the same for my little boy.

I also want him to have role models who are good for him - and I don't believe this is a good example for him.

Perhaps I should have chosen more carefully initially but with the christening coming up I really want to revise my choice but am not sure how .. I don't even know how to or if I should, speak to friend about her behaviour.

Help!

Chinafoot

TiffanyTrott wrote: »

I don't even know how to or if I should, speak to friend about her behaviour.

You absolutely should speak to her about this. You are being treated quite badly by this "friend" and as you have moved into a new chapter in your life with your family you shouldn't be pandering to her behaviour and holding your tongue.

Your son is the most important person in your life, correct? Then open your mouth and tell this girl that you have asked someone else to be godmother. If you place such importance on the role you can't allow fear of a confrontation let you make what you know to be a big mistake. Tell her out straight that you've decided to ask someone else and when she asks you why tell her exactly what you have put here.

TiffanyTrott

You are right Chinafoot ... but I'm crap at this. Last night I was trying think of ways of saying it to make it kind of not her fault thinking of saying

'You are not in the right place to deal with being a godmother' or something pathetic like that

Chinafoot

TiffanyTrott wrote: »

You are right Chinafoot ... but I'm crap at this. Last night I was trying to make it kind of not her fault thinking of saying

'You are not in the right place to deal with being a godmother' or something pathetic like that

Listen, people will only treat us badly if we let them and right now you're letting her. Its not going to change without you actually saying something to her.

Don't play the softly softly approach where you make her out to be a victim of her circumstance. Tell her out straight that she has been a fairly brutal friend lately and you don't think it's appropriate for her to be your son's godmother. One of two things will happen...this will be a good kick up the hole for her and she'll start treating people a lot better...or...she'll get in a snot and stop talking to you. I reckon the latter is more likely but if that does happen you will have confirmed for yourself just how much of a friend she really was.

K_P

One of my pet hates is people who think being "straight talking" is an excuse to be rude.

If that's the way she is with you, it's exactly how I'd be with her - we've drifted apart, we're not the close friends we used to be, you didn't even call me on my birthday so I don't think it'd be right for you to be my son's godmother.

Simple as that. Well, simple for me to type, bit harder for you to say. Stick to your decision though, I think you'd regret it if you didn't.

astra2000

You can either take the direct approach and tell her why you no longer wish for her to be godmother or make up something like you have to choose a family member due to pressure from your own family. Only you can make that choice it is very easy for others to say tell her straight you have to decide if you are able to do this. I always find that eople who like to talk straight or say it as it is, rarely listen to or allow other people to straight talk. To be honest it is a form of bullying !

Chinafoot

astra2000 wrote: »

I always find that eople who like to talk straight or say it as it is, rarely listen to or allow other people to straight talk. To be honest it is a form of bullying !

There is a difference between saying something out straight, such as is required in this scenario, and just being mean and bitchy for the sake of it under the guise of "telling it like it is". The OP saying "I don't feel it's right for you to be godmother to my son as I have some issues with you recent behaviour" is talking straight whilst not being a bitch. It is possible.

OP, I hope it works out for you. Stand your ground.

ILoveGreen

My godmother was/is the exact same person as that...

I actually didn't see her for 10 years because whenever she was meant to come to see us, she just didn't bother showing up. My uncle then spotted her in a store once and discovered that she had married and had two children and she hadn't said anything to my mom, who she was supposed to have been best friends with. Recently i met her again and it was such an anti-climactic experience; she's still the exact same person as everyone remembers her to be, if not even a little worse. :rolleyes:

My godfather was/is great, always been around and i'm grateful for that. I've never had the experience of having to ask for 'godparent advice' or anything like that, but it was still nice to have him around. Plus, i remember in primary school, it was more than a little embarrassing to have to admit to the rest of the class (around confirmation time etc) that i hadn't a clue where my godmother was.

Choose a decent friend who you at least know will pop over for dinner or something from time to time, and won't hurt your kids feelings.

How Strange

+1 for straight talking on this one. If your friend kicks off just tell her you know she a 'tell it like it is' person so you want to tell her the truth.

She really doesn't sound like much of a friend so why tip toe around her when she constantly lets you down.