Please help, at end of the line

LegacyUser

This is long because it has to be. I’m completely at the end of my tether with my relationship. I’ve been with (lets just call him) John for 4 years. For the first year or so of our relationship he treated me poorly, breaking off dates, not showing up when he was supposed to meet me, have flirtatious relationships with with other girls through texting, or the internet. He broke up with me four months into the relationship because he had casually bumped into an ex, and “got confused”. I can’t describe how much this hurt me. Within a week he was begging for me back.

Pretty much after the that the stupid stuff stopped. He stopped standing me up or ignoring messages but still wasn’t great. He lied about the stupidest stuff like when I asked him if he’d ever fancied a friend of his he said no, I found out a year later that he had been sleeping with her just before he met me. He’d lie about quitting pornography, smoking, where he was going that night (and in truth there was no reason for that, like he would be going to a friends birthday but lie and say he was going home).

Basically he hurt me a tremendous amount, and I can’t get over it. For about a year and a half, we had a really great relationship, he was a fantastic boyfriend. Surprising me with trips to Paris and the like. All the crap from before, he promised was extreme immaturity on his part. He hadn’t been ready for a relationship when we met he said, he just didn’t realise it. But now….things were different…..

Until last year. With a history of depression, he went off the rails one week which culminated in him kissing a stranger when he was drunk. He called me straight away, crying, telling me what he’d done, so so so so so sorry. I knew instantly I would forgive him because he was so destroyed by it himself. We worked on repairing things and even got engaged late last year.

But for the past 7 or 8 months, I’ve literally turned into a psycho. It’s like I’m having a delayed reaction to all the pain and hurt he caused. Sometimes I can’t bare to be in the same room as him because it hurts too much. We can’t have a simple argument without me screaming, smashing things, even hitting him (not hard) on one occasion. The pain seems to get worse, not better with time. We fought all weekend. I can’t feel anything but hurt by his past mistakes and its completely ruining our relationship, a relationship in which he is now very very very good. Its destroying us both. I’m already going for counselling. I literally don’t know what to do….

fallen01angel

Hi OP,sorry to hear you're have a tough time lately.It seems to be a very unhealthy relationship,I'm no shrink but it seems to me that you've turned into a "psycho" because you're not happy in your relationship with John,you don't trust him and judging by the examples you've listed I can understand why you don't,so here's my question-why stay in a relationship where you clearly are unhappy?You say he took you to Paris-sweet thing to do.You say he's now v v v good,but the thing is do you believe he will remain this great guy or in your heart are you just waiting for him to fall back into his old ways??

LegacyUser

OP here thanks so much for the reply. Yes you are right that my psychotic behaviour comes from not being able to trust him. I stay with him for two reasons, the first is that I love him more than anything in the world. I know that if I could get past this past hurt, our relationship would be great, i know that for a fact. The second reason I stay, and what also sends me insane is that I have two conflicting voices in my head. The first says "He was incredibly immature when he met you and didn't know the first thing about being in a relationship. He doesn't realise how much he hurt you. If he could change it he would. He's grown up now, he wants to marry you ffs, leave the past behind" then the other voice says "You're so stupid. Do you really think people can change like that? He treated you like dirt. He doesn't care less about you, everything he says is a lie"

When things are good between us, its because the first voice wins, when they're bad, its the second. Since my earlier post he has contacted me and decided that we need time apart, some space of about a month. I know he's right but its killing me already and its only been a few hours. I cant stop crying. Im so so scared.

fallen01angel

Maybe the time apart will do you good,I'm going through a bit of a **** time relationship wise myself at the mo,just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because he can be such a moron with drink-I'm only sharing this to show that things do get better.I've spent 2 weeks DEVASTATED-crying,not eating etc etc.But here's the thing I know things will get better,sure I'm(and you are) in bits at the mo,that's what happens when your life as you've come to know falls a bit apart.The pain and crap does lessen after time.You will feel better,but 1st you've got to deal with the pain.....sorry I do feel like a bit of a shrink now.Don't go back when you've not tried going forward....Oh this sounds so lame!!!!

Neyite

he had his faults in the past, but by your own admission, hes great now and had been really trying, but you have been 'psyco', screaming, shouting, smashing and physically abusive.

it doesnt matter, by the way if you dont hit him 'hard'. its still hitting. im glad you are getting counselling, because you really need to address lifting your hand to the person you claim to love. ?

you both sound like you need a break from each other. he hurt you in the past, you are hurting him now.

good luck

LegacyUser

Op here. Thank you so much for the replies. Fallen01angel, I’m sorry that you too are going through a horrible time. What you’re saying doesn’t sound lame at all, clichés are clichés for a reason. Neyite, I know it shouldn’t matter whether I hit him hard or not, hitting is still hitting. It’s completely wrong and I know that. Sometimes I just want him to feel the pain I’ve felt.

Today is the first day of not talking to him. I’ve only been up 3hours and I’m already finding it hard but I won’t contact him, he needs this space as do I. My counsellor is on holidays so I can’t see her for another two weeks. Can anyone suggest anything that might help me right now? Anything that can help me address the root cause of all this pain I’m in?

Thanks so much

Neyite

it helps to keep busy.

go for a brisk walk, or run, do a big clear out of some cupboard or something. try to leave your phone at home, or in another room.

it is really helpful to 'write' letters to him - get a journal, and start writing put down everything you feel- just dont send them. its very catharic (sp?)

if you focus on working on helping the better person that is inside you come out. she is in there somewhere. if you were him taking a break from you, what would you like to see in her that might make you reconsider - the answer is a happy, confident person.

change your focus from missing him, to 'now i will do the things i never had time to do when i was in a relationship'. that might be learning a new hobby, like learning to knit, or sew or a language, or join a class that teaches you a new skill. learn yoga, pottery, etc etc..

keep an eye on your alcohol intake - not because i necessarily think its harmful, but its all too easy to drunktext. same goes for nights out. dont go to the usual haunts. pamper yourself a little bit.

best of luck, girl!

redhed35

no trust = no relationship.

too much emotional damage has been caused in the past,if you cant forgive him,if this is driving you crazy,if you need councilling because of this relationship,its time to reconsider it.

he has to take some responsibilty for the way your acting out now,and you have to take respopnsibilty for your actions.

my advice,end the relationship,its too toxic for you.

even if he kisses the ground you walk on,he has cheated,lied,cheated some more and lied some more,no wonder your head is wreaked.

happy day for him hes all grown now,crappy days for you as your trying to shift through the emotional and mental damage that this relationship has caused.

Ickle Magoo

Perhaps it just isn't a very healthy relationship and you taking and taking and taking his lousy behaviour, cheating, lying, breaking up with you, etc, etc, etc is coming back to bite you in the butt. Would you consider couple counselling? Perhaps having a safe place to get out all the hurt and anger and resentment and let him know how much sh!t you have swallowed to make you relationship work would give your emotions a better outlet that keeping it all in and blowing up at the slightest thing?

fallen01angel

Hi again OP,Thanks for you kind words,but I'll be fine.You've got to stay busy,if you're just sitting around you are going to drive yourself nuts!!Redhed made a v good point,if you don't have trust in a relationship you don't have a relationship...it's also important to give yourself some time so you can think about things when you're feeling less emotional,things will become clearer once the rollercoaster of feelings calm down.