Seriously, do nice men actually exist?

LegacyUser

I am not going to turn this into a bitchfest but I always end up with losers who cheat. I have just come out of a 3 year relationship, he was horrible to me and made it so obvious he was no longer in love. Yet he was the one who walked out and he wasn't nice about it either. Yet since he has called me and wanted to go out as friends, which we did.

However, I found out from a friend that a few months back, she was at our house, he was totally wasted, to the point of hardly being able to stand. They were alone in the kitchen then he started going on about how sexy her body was and tried to touch her boob.

Since I told him I knew he hasn't been in touch. All he said was he was ****ed and can't remember. When she first confronted him, she said he looked mortified.

I think deep down he wanted to get back with me, hence him keep calling, wanting to go for a drink, leaving his belongings at my house etc despite me telling him to get them. Now he knows I know, cheating is something I do not tolerate, he knows he has blown it and hasn't been in touch since.

Since the split, I have had numerous offers, most of which are from married men. I am losing faith in the human race. I just want to be loved and happy but it isn't happening. I wasted 3 years on this man, if he can try it on with my friend, he will have done it with others.

Please help.

Kimia

Are you serious? I can't believe how blind you are. Look at this:

iwantlove wrote: »

he was horrible to me and made it so obvious he was no longer in love.

Yet he was the one who walked out and he wasn't nice about it either. Yet since he has called me and wanted to go out as friends, which we did.

Do you have any mind of your own? Why did you let him treat you like s*t and then walk out, you gave him all the power and sat passively back while he trampled all over you. Where is your self esteem, dignity and pride?

However, I found out from a friend that a few months back, she was at our house, he was totally wasted, to the point of hardly being able to stand. They were alone in the kitchen then he started going on about how sexy her body was and tried to touch her boob.

Since I told him I knew he hasn't been in touch. All he said was he was ****ed and can't remember. When she first confronted him, she said he looked mortified.

He sounds like a d*ck, it needs no further examination really. The point is, why did you put up with him?

I think deep down he wanted to get back with me,

So?

I am losing faith in the human race.

No, you have lost faith in yourself. Work on getting your self-esteem back on track, you sound like a shell with absolutely no confidence. Work on getting that back.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your reply. He chipped away at me over the years, made me jealous and I stupidly stuck by it. I was a fool I admit but I have learnt from it.

It just hurts thinking of him trying to grope her.

LegacyUser

iwantlove wrote: »

Yet since he has called me and wanted to go out as friends, which we did.

And this is exactly the reason why you end up with horrible men. He treated you badly for three years, he wanted to be friends and you let him. You don't respect yourself, so why should he respect you either? He's a loser, and you let him walk all over you. If someone does something you don't like, talk to them about it. If they keep doing it, get rid of them.

Tell the married men in no uncertain terms where to go.

There are loads of lovely men out there who know how to treat a girl. Stick to your guns, don't let ANYBODY tell you that the way you are feeling is wrong (manipulative people say things like this when they can see that the other person is unsure the way they're feeling is the right feeling)

enviro

chin up OP:)

Move on... and don't look back!

Pity he got 3 yrs of your life tho before you seen through him.

As much as I would like to help... I'm not sure how I can help you here.

There are some decent guys out there, we aint all cheaters or creeps. Have some faith that you will meet someone who will love you, treat you right ect.

Believe in yourself and remember its your ex that is after losing out not you. You escaped a potential cheater, general mr nasty of a hubbie.

Positive thinking will see you through I'm sure of it.

LegacyUser

Thank you.

I just feel like he has made a fool of me, he hasn't even apologised. He makes me sick.

As soon as I started to feel better, I find this out and it has knocked me right back to the start.

LegacyUser

I don't understand.

If he was horrible to you and made it clear he no longer loved you, how come it was he who walked out and not you?

What were you waiting for - someone to say how good you were to put up with him? I'm serious here. Sometimes we women think it's our role, or even our duty, to put up with bad behaviour from people we consider to be our family. Even as far as - sure he's a man, what do you expect, hold on and keep the show together and it'll all sort out.

That's not what it's about, OP.

enviro

iwantlove wrote: »

he hasn't even apologised.

Id advise, no contact at all! delete him and his number from your life. A clean break from him is your only hope to recover and rebuild your confidence.

Why do you want an apology?

ABajaninCork

Yes there ARE nice men out there. Can be pretty hard to find, but dig deep enough and you'll get one!

I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince. Set your sights higher OP. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve...

As for the married men? Tell them to Foxtrot Oscar - sad bastards!:mad:

Liam Byrne

Yes there ARE nice menpeople out there. Can be pretty hard to find, but dig deep enough and you'll get one!

+1 To AbajaninCork, and +1 including the above edit.

Seriously, OP - do nice women "actually exist" ?

Because if I posted a thread questioning that I'd be called all sorts of sexist labels, and rightly so.

The bottom line is that men - and women - are people; there are plenty of assholes, teases, con-artists, and downright "world-would-be-better-off-without-them", and there are plenty of decent ones.

As stated above, just be more choosy (without being a prima donna) and have some self-respect as to what you want, what you'll tolerate, and what's objectionable enough to tell someone take a hike.

It doesn't have to be a checklist, or even 100% concrete, but you do have to know when to stand your ground and what's beyond your limits, and walk away from the destructive ones, or at least stand up and say "cop on, or I'm outa here".

No-one should be so desperate for a relationship that they make do with Mr (or Ms) Wrong, let alone Mr or Ms All Wrong.

Singledom is a lot more appealing than that!

metrovelvet

Yes but you wont find them if you continue being a masochist. Normal nice people arent drawn to people who want pain inflicted on them. But sadists are, so you'll keep bumping into meanies because deep down, that's what your seeking.

ABajaninCork

OP - get on with your life. It won't be easy, but you'll get there.

NOTHING p****s off an ex more than to see you stepping ahead like he didn't matter! (Which, let's face it, he's no prize!)

Laugh, sing, dance, go out with your mates, and completely IGNORE him. Pity the next poor girl who's unfortunate enough to hook up with him.

After all - he's just something you wiped off your shoe - right?:cool:

LighterGuy

do nice men exsist?

Bigger question do nice people exsist. Its more than just male or female. Yeah sure there are some nice people out there. The majority of people look out for themselves.

Mojority of relationships are purely for what you can do for me. A person can date another for a year, and see someone else they like then go with them. Of course, probably creating a fabrication to hide the truth as to why things suddently ended. If you want to get down to the nitty gritty said person was only dating person of 1 year because they were better than nothing. And thats only one example of how your average person is.

The best way to describe your average person is when you see a bus pull into a busy stop. Bus may be empty. But you get around 15-20 people all trying to get in front of everyone else. Even tho there are plenty of seats. It defines people pretty much I think.

irishh_bob

metrovelvet wrote: »

Yes but you wont find them if you continue being a masochist. Normal nice people arent drawn to people who want pain inflicted on them. But sadists are, so you'll keep bumping into meanies because deep down, that's what your seeking.

+1 , a significant number of women like men who are bastards , its been shown that violent men are more likely to reproduce than gentle passive men , this was even more the case in the distant past but it still prevails today , listen to news reports about men who were sent to jail for violent crime and always always is it mentioned that they have children

the gob

sorry op but you sounds like you have self respect issues

of course there are nice blokes out there, but the thing is they
all respect themselves and want a like minded woman

the secret to keeping a mans interest is to make him believe hes very lucky to have you WITHOUT EVER being big headed(so my wonderful wife says:D)

the married men you meet have low self esteem like you, so chin up
and think highly of yourself and if you do the men you meet will change

JonathanAnon

metrovelvet wrote: »

Yes but you wont find them if you continue being a masochist. Normal nice people arent drawn to people who want pain inflicted on them. But sadists are, so you'll keep bumping into meanies because deep down, that's what your seeking.

+1
You certainly have to take responsibility for the fact that you would let somebody treat you badly and stay with them. There are plenty of nice guys out there, but would you want anything to do with one if he approached you?

Nevyn

I am sorry to hear that you have been in such a toxic relationship.
Everyone deserves love AND respect from thier partner.

Take time out and work on healing yourself and working on yourself esteem so that
you never let anyone treat you as lesser.

greengiant09

from my experience as a male, i'm shocked at how many women fall for being treated like sh*te!....i'd actually nearly go as far as to say that a significant amount of women are actually attracted to guys who treat them badly. it's a total mind fock to me...can't understand it but i see it happen so many times....and the women keep on coming back....sad really.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Wibbs

If you "always end up with losers who cheat" and regardless stick around with them, then look to yourself first. Because IMHO you're picking them, or if not picking them, you're ignoring their foibles. I would put good money you have had misgivings early on about every single one of these guys. So ask yourself why didnt you walk away? Figure the aforementioned out and you will avoid cheating losers a lot more easily.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies, was nice to see such a response when I came on this morning.

With regards to the recent ex, he was so lovely at the start and we soon fell in love. I guess you could say we rushed into it and maybe that is why things went badly.

He swore to me throughout the relationship he was faithful, despite having a dodgy past and I never believed him, I just couldn't prove anything.

In some ways I wish my friend hadn't told me, I have only been grieving for 3 weeks, feels like she has rubbed salt into my wounds. At the same time, it has shown me never to pine after him again. I NEVER give second chances when it comes to cheating. Ever.

mood

Liam Byrne wrote: »

+1 To AbajaninCork, and +1 including the above edit.

Seriously, OP - do nice women "actually exist" ?

Because if I posted a thread questioning that I'd be called all sorts of sexist labels, and rightly so.

The bottom line is that men - and women - are people; there are plenty of assholes, teases, con-artists, and downright "world-would-be-better-off-without-them", and there are plenty of decent ones.

As stated above, just be more choosy (without being a prima donna) and have some self-respect as to what you want, what you'll tolerate, and what's objectionable enough to tell someone take a hike.

It doesn't have to be a checklist, or even 100% concrete, but you do have to know when to stand your ground and what's beyond your limits, and walk away from the destructive ones, or at least stand up and say "cop on, or I'm outa here".

No-one should be so desperate for a relationship that they make do with Mr (or Ms) Wrong, let alone Mr or Ms All Wrong.

Singledom is a lot more appealing than that!

+1

mood

irishh_bob wrote: »

+1 , a significant number of women like men who are bastards , its been shown that violent men are more likely to reproduce than gentle passive men , this was even more the case in the distant past but it still prevails today , listen to news reports about men who were sent to jail for violent crime and always always is it mentioned that they have children

As a women I totally disagree. Any sign of a man being a b*astard and I'm gone. Never came across a violent man yet but maybe that's because I would be gone before things would get to that stage.

HavingCrack

Oh dear I can hear the eternal nice guy-jerk debate coming down the line.

Seriously Op, the amount of threads on this forum about men who are just too 'nice' and never end up with any women is ridiculous. I'm presuming you don't want a pushover but you say you're fed up of being mistreated. Surely there must be some way you can find a happy medium??

LegacyUser

yes, there is nice guys out there, i am one of them

I wouldn't have thought of it myself now, but im sick of seeing all the threads about men being assholes, and men being p***ks, you just gotta keep looking until you find one

Wagon

iwantlove wrote: »

Thank you for your replies, was nice to see such a response when I came on this morning.

With regards to the recent ex, he was so lovely at the start and we soon fell in love. I guess you could say we rushed into it and maybe that is why things went badly.

He swore to me throughout the relationship he was faithful, despite having a dodgy past and I never believed him, I just couldn't prove anything.

In some ways I wish my friend hadn't told me, I have only been grieving for 3 weeks, feels like she has rubbed salt into my wounds. At the same time, it has shown me never to pine after him again. I NEVER give second chances when it comes to cheating. Ever.

Well, you're dead right with that one. Cheating is pretty much the biggest kick in the preverbial bollix anyone can get. Really scabby thing to so.

But like you said...now you know. You know what he was like so you aren't going to go back.

Nice men exist but they are tough to find. I'm one of them apperently and i cant see it myself but i can certainly understand where you're coming from when you lose faith in the whole thing. I can be the same with women.

Take a bit of time to yourself and let your self confidence restore. This ****er chipped away at it for 3 years so you are obviously in the pits. But trust me on this, it will get better. And when your confidence comes back, you will be able to go searching for a real man.

And dont be too hard on yourself either. At least you aren't sleeping with these married eejits. You have a conscience enough to say no, and see right through them. Not everyone has that, that's why there's arseholes out there. And the less time wasted on them, the more time you have to find something worthwhile.

Best i can offer really.

Mozart1986

yes

Jennifurball

Yes, but they tend to blend in the background and get overlooked.

Sorry about your ex, some men are real pigs and don't deserve us.

metrovelvet

Hold on OP. You said that you felt he was cheating, he denied it and you didn't believe him?

Did he know you didn't believe him?

If the answer to this is yes, then you sent him the message that you would stick around with someone who would cheat on you and lie to you. Your tolerance and passivity implicitely gave him permission to behave this way even though it would hurt you.

This is a very tough question. What was in it for you?

I dont think you're one of those types who likes bad boys just so you can be a bitch and not feel bad about it?

Do you like being miserable because you dont deserve happiness?

Are you deep down a commitment phobe?

Do you have unresolved guilt issues and seek out punishment?

Something else?

Micahelxcx

<snip>

Boards is not a dating site

Mozart1986

Jennifurball wrote: »

Yes, but they tend to blend in the background and get overlooked.

Sorry about your ex, some men are real pigs and don't deserve us.

OOORRR! Maybe the women that overlook nice/good men don't deserve them for their lack of sense and intelligence, and probably relate on some vindictive way to the bastards they date!?! I mean, nice/good men are not necessarilly social hermits:/ Or maybe I'm just a crazy chauvenist:/

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Jennifurball

Mozart1986 wrote: »

OOORRR! Maybe the women that overlook nice/good men don't deserve them for their lack of sense and intelligence, and probably relate on some vindictive way to the bastards they date!?! I mean, nice/good men are not necessarilly social hermits:/ Or maybe I'm just a crazy chauvenist:/

What I was saying, was, the nice guys sit in the background thinking "what is the point? someone that pretty/confident/popular would never go for me". In general, women don't make the first move. It is the "bastards" who are generally the ones who make the move because they have the confidence. Nice guys should step forward instead of whinging that women only go for "bastards".

Mozart1986

Who is whinging? I mean, if women are supposed to be so emancipated and independant, why don't women make a move? Nice guys don't sit in the corner crying. They just happen to have mates that are much more interesting than blinkered condescending women. They don't "sweep women off their feet" for fear of being forward and over stepping boundaries (people in pubs/clubs are strangers after all), and don't tend to like infantalised, ditsy girly-girls. Their not superficial and don't think everything is about sex, which is how women seem to indescrimitately think of lads. Thats just the curse of trying to be a nice/good person. Damned if you do/damned if you don't:/

But OP, get over it, it was your mistake to not be able see it before it hit you. I've met plenty of lads/women that were arse-holes and I didn't need to fock them to figure it out. Figure out what you want and the right lad will show up.

reprazant

Jennifurball wrote: »

What I was saying, was, the nice guys sit in the background thinking "what is the point? someone that pretty/confident/popular would never go for me". In general, women don't make the first move. It is the "bastards" who are generally the ones who make the move because they have the confidence. Nice guys should step forward instead of whinging that women only go for "bastards".

So, "nice guys" are the ones who have no confidence and never make a move? And any lad who does make a move is probably a "bastard"?

Right.

Maybe women should take the step forward instead of whinging that they only get chatted up by "bastards".

Liam Byrne

reprazant wrote: »

So, "nice guys" are the ones who have no confidence and never make a move? And any lad who does make a move is probably a "bastard"?

Right.

Maybe women should take the step forward instead of whinging that they only get chatted up by "bastards".

+1

Who wants to be the first "nice guy" to break the above "rule"....

.....and then get pissed on because he's assumed to be one of the "bastards" ?

+1 on the last part, too......if women are interested, then they should be perfectly capable of making a move themselves.

The bottom line is that guys have had a approach women for years, and some of them are sound, some are interesting and engaging, some of them are hot, some of them are friendly but not interested, some of them are bunny-boilers, some of them are up themselves, some of them are sound-but-no-spark, some of them are.....etc, etc.