The Vigil....the last hours..

LegacyUser

Hello All,

Firstly to all on this thread who have lost loved ones, I'm so sorry :'O(
I need wise words from those who've been through this nightmare of long term illness and the waiting game...

Right now my Mother lies dying and there is not a thing I can do to stop it. At this stage I don't want to stop it. I just want her out of hre distress and pain.

I am spending long hours at the hospital as are my sisters and brothers..but when I am sent home to sleep I can't. This causes me terrible panic and anxiety.

Her time is near, I just want to be there...will this pass? Will I cope if I'm not there? The wondering and waiting is exhausting as is seeing her this way...

I wish so much for an end to her suffering but I feel guilty, please help me...

metrovelvet

No one ever talks about this. The relief you feel when the end is near and the guilt you feel for wanting it to be all over.

Because we are all supposed to be superhero saints who can hang on forever watching our parents die little by little, watch them go mad, defecate themselves, lose their dignity and their senses, and feel like little ungrateful ****s for it all to end.

Its 13 years later. I still feel guilty about. The guilt may have ruined my life. Seriously, no one can stop you feeling what you feel. I cant just tell you not to feel guilty, i cant even tell myself that. But talk to a professional because it will become an issue in your grief.

Im sorry you are going through this. I know how tough it is. Sorry, i wish i could say some magic words, but there are none for this.

Be good to yourself. Your mother wants that. Let her know you will be ok without her. Help her let go. She needs reassurance that you will be ok.

stupidusername

I was with my mam when she died.

I got a text to come home at around 6 in the morning. I got home at about 11. Just about every one in our family was at home. I went in to sit with her. We were trying to get my brother home too before she died.

So we all sat with her all day. My brother did get home. We had prayers.

To get a kind of break we'd take turns sitting up beside her on the bed. I remember being out in the kitchen at one point, and some people saying how terrible it was that it was taking so long. Not like in a horrible way, but just for her sake, and for ours.

It's not something I like to admit but I didn't really know what to do. When I was sitting there with her, everything was going through my mind. Everything. I was waiting for it to end, but moreso for myself. She couldn't talk, and was barely conscious, but I was still thinking of myself. I don't really feel guilty for that, because I know I cared.

I was holding her hand when she took her last breath. Just before it, she opened her eyes, and looked all around the room. It scared me quite a bit. but then she put her head back down, and stopped breathing.

I couldn't let go of her hand. Somehow everyone knew, and they all came into the room, and said prayers. Dad, my brother and sister standing behind me. I couldn't stop shaking. I was basically freaking out.

In a way, yeah there was a sort of calm in the house after. I went to lie down. I couldn't go back in to see her, when they were sorting her out. I just asked did she look ok.

It was a horrible time. There's no telling what to expect, I'd imagine it'd be different for everyone. The only thing that I am 'happy' about, for want of a better word, is that I was there holding her hand. There was only two other people in the room. And I felt it was important that I had been there. Not that we would've left her alone. I wouldn't like to have not been there, I wouldn't like to know what that feels like. Though I've never asked my brother or sister did they regret it.

I would suggest trying to be there as much as possible. and say to her whatever you feel you want to.

cats.life

i know what your going through op, first time was my dad, he got a blood clot in his bowl and it clogd it up and part of it were dying away as the day went on, my boss was brilliant he fond me at the hospital to telll us that if we wanted to come back to his house for a shower or rest the door is open,but we wanted to stay by him,i had an idea that he would still be with us till the morning (dont ask me how i new just a feeling i got) he lasted till 3.10 the next evening, he was turning a diferent colour so they decided to say some prayers, mum didnt know how to react, never anyone died near to us like this. op its up to you if you want to stay , chat to the nurses, they should no , they have seen it before. the nurse told us to chat to dad, tell him about the news or fishing which he loved, op my heart goes out to you, if you cant sleep dont worry , i wasnt there when my mum died , i was with her all day , had to to look after my then 6 month old boy, the same time my marriage was gone so i thought WHAT WOULD MUM WANT ME TO DO, WHAT WOULD SHE TELL ME . so i kissed her good bye cos i new i would never see her again, she died at 5.30am. again i new the time that freaked me a bit. brother stayed with her plus wife and her two sisters. i felt at peace leaving the room that evening, do what you feel in your heart op.

Daisy Steiner

I'll never forget the night my godfather's suffering with throat cancer finally came to an end.

We had been hoping and praying for the six months since his diagnosis, we had been called in twice before and both times he had come fighting back.

I truly believed despite the evidence in front of my eyes that he would always pull through.

That evening was different though, usually it was me and my immediate family that were in the hospital, that evening my cousins turned up along with my aunt.

I remember feeling so angry that they were all there, I really felt like we were crowding my poor godfather.

I had a few minutes alone with him, he couldn't speak and was barely conscious. I chatted for a bit then asked him if he would always look after me and my family. I know he heard me.

Soon after they all came in to say a rosary. Not really my scene so I said I'd head home, so sure was I that he would pull through yet again.

It was a freezing cold february night, the hospital grounds were frozen solid and as I was picking my way across the car park; my mobile rang, it was my mam telling me to come back as he was passing.

Tried to hurry back, was slipping and sliding all over the place, I stopped as a sense of love came over me and I could almost hear him bursting out laughing at my new-born-foal progression across the ice.

I got back up to the ward and was told what I already knew, he was really gone.

The nurses were so amazing, they made us tea and one by one took their break and most had a little cry with us. It had been a crazy six months and they were like family at that stage.

We drove home, not in convoy as you might imagine given the icy conditions; we all took a different road home, not knowing how to cope with the relief and subsequent guilt we felt at the end of the nightmare that is cancer.

I am seeing a counsellor at the moment, and have been for the last year almost, although it took me a year to go and look for some help. He has helped me come to terms with the experience, and now I can think about the whole thing without breaking down and crying.

It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't in the room at the final moment, but now I think for me it was a blessing.

Best of luck op, to you and your family.

LegacyUser

Daisy Steiner wrote: »

I'll never forget the night my godfather's suffering with throat cancer finally came to an end.

We had been hoping and praying for the six months since his diagnosis, we had been called in twice before and both times he had come fighting back.

I truly believed despite the evidence in front of my eyes that he would always pull through.

That evening was different though, usually it was me and my immediate family that were in the hospital, that evening my cousins turned up along with my aunt.

I remember feeling so angry that they were all there, I really felt like we were crowding my poor godfather.

I had a few minutes alone with him, he couldn't speak and was barely conscious. I chatted for a bit then asked him if he would always look after me and my family. I know he heard me.

Soon after they all came in to say a rosary. Not really my scene so I said I'd head home, so sure was I that he would pull through yet again.

It was a freezing cold february night, the hospital grounds were frozen solid and as I was picking my way across the car park; my mobile rang, it was my mam telling me to come back as he was passing.

Tried to hurry back, was slipping and sliding all over the place, I stopped as a sense of love came over me and I could almost hear him bursting out laughing at my new-born-foal progression across the ice.

I got back up to the ward and was told what I already knew, he was really gone.

The nurses were so amazing, they made us tea and one by one took their break and most had a little cry with us. It had been a crazy six months and they were like family at that stage.

We drove home, not in convoy as you might imagine given the icy conditions; we all took a different road home, not knowing how to cope with the relief and subsequent guilt we felt at the end of the nightmare that is cancer.

I am seeing a counsellor at the moment, and have been for the last year almost, although it took me a year to go and look for some help. He has helped me come to terms with the experience, and now I can think about the whole thing without breaking down and crying.

It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't in the room at the final moment, but now I think for me it was a blessing.

Best of luck op, to you and your family.

Thank you so much to each and every poster who wrote here. Every word was a comfort.

Well, she passed away last night, peacefully in the end. I was with her. Thank God her struggle is over. What a lady, had the room in laughs till the last. She did indeed go gently, she simply slipped away without a sound and tranformed into herself again before my eyes.

No more pain, no more medicine, no more tubes, masks or machines. God rest her and thank you all so much for your posts. The reason I loved the one above is because the nurses were the same with us. Each and every one was unbelievable. We would love to do something to thank them, not chocolate or flowers as they have loads of that but maybe some money twords their Christmas party or something...

Anyway thanks.

New forum is brilliant.

Andolino

Go gently wrote: »

Hello All,

Firstly to all on this thread who have lost loved ones, I'm so sorry :'O(
I need wise words from those who've been through this nightmare of long term illness and the waiting game...

Right now my Mother lies dying and there is not a thing I can do to stop it. At this stage I don't want to stop it. I just want her out of hre distress and pain.

I am spending long hours at the hospital as are my sisters and brothers..but when I am sent home to sleep I can't. This causes me terrible panic and anxiety.

Her time is near, I just want to be there...will this pass? Will I cope if I'm not there? The wondering and waiting is exhausting as is seeing her this way...

I wish so much for an end to her suffering but I feel guilty, please help me...

My Mother died in 1994 at 10.21am on may 30th We, as in all the family were there the nurse asked us not to cry out when the time came, just in case it was not her last breath and she would hear the cries and even though she was in a coma it was still possible. We just sat there and waited as the pulse got weaker but you know when the time did come to pass a pleasant look came over my dear Mother as if at last the pain was gone. I am deeply sorry that you are going through this but you are not alone may God bless you and your family and also your dear Mother.

LegacyUser

Andolino wrote: »

My Mother died in 1994 at 10.21am on may 30th We, as in all the family were there the nurse asked us not to cry out when the time came, just in case it was not her last breath and she would hear the cries and even though she was in a coma it was still possible. We just sat there and waited as the pulse got weaker but you know when the time did come to pass a pleasant look came over my dear Mother as if at last the pain was gone. I am deeply sorry that you are going through this but you are not alone may God bless you and your family and also your dear Mother.

Thank you so much for your beautiful story and your kind words. May your Mammy rest in peace and eternal love.

Neyite

Go gently wrote: »

We would love to do something to thank them, not chocolate or flowers as they have loads of that but maybe some money twords their Christmas party or something

when my dad died, my sister got the staff nurses who looked after him, mugs for their personal use. like any office/job, your own mug is something nice to have. they loved it, as they always get sweets/cakes etc.

i suggested this to someone else as a parting gift to a team that really helped him at work, when he was transferred. he got their names printed on the mugs so if they went walkies they were easily identified.

the other alternative is to ask them if there is a bit of equipment that you could help sponsor, but that might be pricey.

my condolences on your loss. the priest said at my dads funeral as our hearts were breaking: 'the deeper the love, the greater the loss'. one thing to keep in mind when missing her gets too much is to focus on how much she is at peace now, and not in any pain anymore. it helped me.

LegacyUser

OP, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear about the death of your mam.

My mam died a good few years ago now, but I remember the loss like it was yesterday. Talk about her OP, that's my advice. Talk about her personality, what she was like when she was your age, what she was like when she had her first child, what she was like when she went through the menopause (if she did). All the things that made her who she was for you.

I didn't talk about my mam for a long time after she died. I regret that now, I thought no one wanted to hear, only me. but I was wrong. come here and tell us about her if that helps.

I wish you all the strength and energy you need over the next few days OP. Take care of yourself x

LegacyUser

OP, sorry for your loss.

I too was there for the final hours when my mother died.

In the end, it felt like a privilege being there with her and for her. My thoughts at the time, which are the same now, is that she was there for the beginning of my life and I was there for the conclusion of hers. I found the circular nature of life comforting. All I hoped for was that she, somehow, knew that we were there with her to the end; I believe that she did.

This is all that matters.