Commitment - is it required?

LegacyUser

In need of some advice & fresh perspective. Boyfriend of 5 years, we've never lived together, it was never an option as we were doing the long distance thing for a few years. But now we're in the same town and living separately. He's in his mid 30s, I'm late 20's. I always thought he was "the one" for me. We've had our ups and downs but we've always come through the hard times. I always imagined us living together as soon as the situation permitted, travelling together if that was what we both wanted, "settling down" somewhere eventually.

A year ago he voiced that he doesn't think ahead, doesn't really plan his future, and likes to just see how things go. He has hinted many times that he doesn't think marriage is for him and finally he has just said straight out that he never sees himself getting married. I took this onboard quietly at the time, was sorta devastated but tried to deal with it quietly myself. Since then, I've tried to convince myself that the future isn't important, nor is marriage or settling down but I can't change how I feel - I like to plan ahead and I wanted to do this with him! I've told this to my boyfriend but he still says he can't seem to decide what he wants. He thinks he'll never be fully sure, that he loves me to bits and doesn't want to lose me but that he's just not the "planning for the future" type.

Lately I've had a bit of a health scare which has led to questions over my fertility. I do want children down the line, he says he does too (he thinks) but he's not really definite. All this negativity (that's how I perceive it anyway!) is really getting to me. I'm gradually withdrawing, feel really down and I'm not sure where to turn. We've considered breaking up but that's a hard one to go through with considering we both love each other. I want to support him as he says he feels lost, but I also feel like after five years if he doesn't know what he wants, then I'm not the right person for him. I also don't want to bully him into anything (unlikely anyway...he very much is his own man and will do what he feels right) and I don't want to freak him out. But it's been five years...am I wrong to ask these questions of him? I just feel so low about the whole situation. Any advice or outsider perspective would be really appreciated. Thank you.

metrovelvet

Look, you aren't going to be in your late 20's forever.

This guy has made it clear he doesnt want to settle down anytime soon. Some people are loners. Some people wait till they are at death's door.

I think you need to be very clear with him about what you are looking for. And if you guys are not looking in the same direction, goyour separate ways.

bills

No your not wrong to ask him. It sounds like he wants very different things from you.
I think you need to accept that & move on. Its unlikely he is going to change his mind so no point hoping for it.

Miss Fluff

You both want totally different things.

If you're willing to run the risk of never having kids or getting married then by all means stay with him because he has been (semi) honest with you and both look unlikely if you share a future together. I guess you have to weigh up which is more important because right now it looks to be the following:

A future with him (no wedding and no kids) -vs- the potential for marriage and kids (but without him) - that's about as black and white as it gets

StillWaters

If after 5 years, you cannot have a frank discussion with him about what your needs and expectations are in this relationship for fear of 'freaking him out', this is a flawed relationship.

In truth it always was. He made it clear to you through 'hints' that he did not see himself marrying you. You chose to ignore this, thinking he would change his mind, or the relationship would evolve to a point where he would want the same things as you.

Its very tough, but I think you are going to have to walk away from him, your needs are not being met. For some, the future isn't important, settling down isn't important - but to you it is.

springwell7616

Put the last five years down to experience and move on. If he doesn't know what he wants now, he never will.
He's obviously quite happy with what he's getting out of the relationship, so why should he bother to alter anything. You deserve better.

Faith

People rarely change significantly, especially in short periods of time. If he's ambivalent about the future now, he probably always will be. If you stay together, you will spend the rest of your life struggling to get him to fit into the mold of what you want from your partner. He'll probably never commit to marriage or kids, and you'll end up miserable. I know it's incredibly difficult, but the best thing you can do for both of you is end the relationship, and find someone who wants the same things that you do.

astra2000

Hi I agree with the above comments and I think you now have a decision to make. Do you love your boyfriend so much that you are willing to possibly give up on marriage, children, settling down? It sounds like you want a chance to have all these things and I think if you sacrafice them all in order to be with him you will in time end up resenting him. To be honest if after five years together he is not thinking about your future together you may not be top of his list of priorities and that does not speak well for the future. I dont want to be hurtful but if he loved you to bits surely he would want to make some plans to have you in his life long term. You are still young in your late twenties and have plenty of time to achieve your desires but if you stay with your boyfriend and you end up marrying having children will you both question if he wanted this or felt pressured into it.I think you should walk away you deserve to be with somone who wants to be with you as much as you do with them best of luck