What to do?

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone

Im looking for advice on my relationship

i've been seeing a guy for 4 years and to say we have had our ups and downs is an understatement, I love him but i'm not sure how much more I can take.

When he's sober he's great he's a really nice genuine guy but when he drinks sometimes he can handle it and others he completely goes off the rails.

Today i'm sitting at home alone and he has been gone for 2 days we went for a few drinks on Thursday and ended up in a club when we came home i went to bed and when I woke up he was gone..I called him and he's been walking around , drinking etc i'm worried sick but he wont come back. I try to be nice on the phone but when I get frustrated and have a go at him its pushing him away more.

This happens all the time if we have a few drinks he always leaves I work full time in a high pressured envoiriment and this affects me alot.

I feel I cannot say anything because if i do i'm a ''nag'' .I asked him to come home because im feeling unwell and he said i never give him space, i said i cant help but worry and he said thats ''my problem not his'' i'm always doing something wrong and i have to watch what i say because if I say something he dosent want to hear he wont talking to me (the last episode lasted a week)

I pay the rent and work long hours he dosent work so he dosent understand how much this is affecting me..


Alot of things have happened when he's drunk he has hit me , called me names, walked out on me , left me on my own in other countries and went on benders and on one occasion urinated on me to ''wake me up''

I know anyone reading will think im mad for staying this long but I suppose i need to get this off my chest. I want to leave but i'm not sure I can. i'm no angel myself and can say horrible things but I get so frustrated and feel i have to walk on eggshells.

Im worried sick about him but also really angry aswell I dont want to ring him because he will say i dont give him space

AngryBadger

OP while there's obviously some underlying issue to your partners drinking, his response to you now after 4 years of this is unacceptable.

I speak from experience when I talk about the effects an alcoholic can have on the people around them. It leaves you feeling worthless, and as if you don't matter at all, I mean if someone you care about can treat you so badly then you must be a terrible person right?

My advice is go and don't look back. You've been putting up with this for a long time from the sounds of it, but there's nothing tying you to this guy. Whatever excuses he has for his drinking are not good enough, and if you continue to tolerate this while there is a possibility things will improve, it's far more likely than nothing will change until he hits rock bottom and by then he will possibly have dragged you down with him.

I've heard and witnessed everything you've described for myself (obviously from my own perspective), so I can empathise with your situation, and my advice is to leave. This guy may be lovely when he's sober, but when he goes off the rails drinking he's a terror and uses your feelings as blackmail.

Leaving a situation like this will be tough OP, but probably the best thing for you. The only way to do it is to cut all ties and be uncompromising with him after that.

However you may feel OP you don't deserve to be in this situation, whatever flaws you may have, whatever wrongs you may have committed yourself nobody deserves to be put in this position. Whenever you feel down or like you're going to falter remind yourself of that one fact.

Ickle Magoo

I'm struggling to see why you are with this man OP.

He clearly has a drinking issue, he's abusive, he leaves you to pay the rent and put up with it all - and you do! As things stand he has no reason to change.

If you want out then formulate a plan and get the hell out of dodge, a guy being okay when sober is a pretty crappy reason to stay in an abusive relationship with a drunk, tbh. I think you'd be much better off on your own, or at least getting a heck of a lot of space between the two of you so you can get your own head straight.

Would you consider talking to a third party or counsellor? Living with the fear of abuse or him disappearing must have taken it's toll on your self-confidence and is probably why you don't realise what a horrendous relationship it sounds like from the outside.

John Mason

the answer is staring you in the face

WALK AWAY

while is out on his binge pack up his stuff and change the locks.

why on earth are still with him

Miss Fluff

shouldhestayorshouldhego wrote: »

I pay the rent and work long hours he dosent work so he dosent understand how much this is affecting me..


Alot of things have happened when he's drunk he has hit me , called me names, walked out on me , left me on my own in other countries and went on benders and on one occasion urinated on me to ''wake me up"

I fail to see what benefit you are deriving from being with this guy. He's an abusive scrounging drunk and you have repeatedly put up with sh11ty and abusive behaviour. I don't really know what you expect people on here to say other than to take some control and walk out of your relationship. Your feelings of self-worth are evidently in tatters if you continue to put up with this being the norm tbh.....You can still "love" someone and walk away you know.

jessiejam

3 words to add to previous posters good advice

DUMP HIM NOW

thats it

angelicgal

shouldhestayorshouldhego wrote: »

Alot of things have happened when he's drunk he has hit me , called me names, walked out on me , left me on my own in other countries and went on benders and on one occasion urinated on me to ''wake me up''

(

I appreciate your patience and I don't think all the ones you stated above are worth doing for such a person. Just leave and have your own life! I m uncertain about my relation but your situations are pretty obvious to just RUN away without looking back. He can hit you to death when he is drunk but he cannot give your life back the next day when he is sober..rite? Does that help? Think yourself!

StillWaters

He is abusive. He has hit you, he has urinated on you 'to wake you up' (that is one of the most degrading things I have ever heard). Get out now. You cannot rescue this man. Get support around you, contact Women's Aid.

You are worth so much more than this, you may not see this, as he seems to have done a sterling job on your self esteem. You are self sufficient, you have no children with this man. If you stay his abusiveness will escalate - I promise you that.

the gob

Alot of things have happened when he's drunk he has hit me , called me names, walked out on me , left me on my own in other countries and went on benders and on one occasion urinated on me to ''wake me up''

RUN A MILE OP!! -any man that does this to his partner is the lowest
of the low

springwell7616

Fully agree with IrishBird. WALK AWAY. Why are you tollerating an abusive relationship? If you think he'll change or your situation will get better YOUR WRONG!