Right to feel pi**ed off?

LegacyUser

Have a bit of a problem I was hoping PI might help me with. Recently, my best friend, lets call him Mike, has been making little comments that have been getting to me. Nothing derrogitary, although he does skirt pretty close to the line at times. I know he doesn't mean harm, but sometimes this guy speaks without thinking and it can have consequences. Not just with me, but with people in general. He's not outright attacking me, but comments have been getting to me.

For example- recently, a rumour got back to us that a mutual friend of ours, lets call him John, was annoyed at me for something I said. Genuinely worried that I had unintentionally hurt my friend, I called John aside and spoke to him about the matter. I told him I was sorry if I had said something out of line, and that if I could, I'd mend the situation. John really had no idea what I was talking about and told me we were cool and not to worry.
So I was telling Mike I spoke to John and Mike said, all smiles and laughing- 'you spoke to John about it?! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.' Now I immediately got annoyed at this, not just for the ridiculous exageration, but also for what felt like the kind of remark an arsehole would make. I got annoyed, but dropped it. I know Mike probably didn't mean it.

But it's remarks similar to that, over lots of small things that have been building up. I try and give as good as I get, but at times I just get tired of slagging-matches, and I gire of saying things and having smart-arse remarks as a reply. Sometimes I just want to just switch off and talk normally.

Things came to a head today over the stupidest (admittedly!) of things. We have been speaking of going to a film for months. We're both pretty big fans (and it's not Twilight, for anyone who thinks it is!! ) and it was something I was looking forward to going to see with him. Sharing an interest, ya know? So, being an evening we both had free, I asked him if he'd be up for going. He told me he'd 'get his arse in gear.' I told him I'd ask him again in the afternoon and arrange things. So this afternoon, I contact him again and ask if he's up for it. And he goes 'well, I checked my funds. Going to have to skip it. And I want to go with my girlfriend.' Then he asked me what time I was going at. So I told him I wasn't going to go on my own, so I'll skip it. And he texts me back 'I let you down, huh?! Let you down baaaaad!' And I just gave up. And this is where the quandry comes up.

Do I have the right to feel annoyed by this? Look, I understand if the guy genuinely wants to spend time with his girlfriend. And the cash thing isn't an issue. Hell, I'd spot him the cash if he's strapped. I've done it in the past, and it's really no big deal. We all spot eachother money if there's little things that need to be bought.
But it's just the way he blew it off and treated it like a joke. This was something to look forward to and he just dropped me for his girlfriend who has no interest in the movie in the first place. I just feel like sometimes I'm taken for granted. We'll be in a group discussion over a movie or news or what not, and he'll just blow over me or even change subject, even if I'm in the middle of making a point. I am a pretty opinionated person, but I try not to trample over anyone's point, force my views or anything. Sometimes I just get a bit passionate about things and he's almost trying to difuse me, even though there's nothing to diffuse. I dunno. Maybe I should just get over myself and drop it. Even if I were to approach him about it, he'll just change subject to avoid confrontation. Or it'll get put on me like I'm the one who's pissed off over nothing. But do I have the right to be a bit let down and annoyed by the whole thing? I really don't want to be a dick about this, so am I wrong?

Oh, and apologies for the lengthy post! Maybe I just needed to get this off my chest.

MiciG91

It was toy story wasn't it..I've waited 8 long years myself i know how you feel.

AdmiralRazor

Was he the one who told you about this rumour that your mutual friend was mad at you? Because if he is, he probably orchestrated that little scenario in an attempt to make you look bad in front of your other friends.

And you go on to say that lately he's aiming disparaging remark after disparaging remark at you, and then shrugging it off as if you should feel like a fool for taking it personally.

And the movie thing is just bang out of order, really. Bros before hos... It sounds as if he's trying to get a rise out of you, though it's hard to figure out why.

Have you slighted him in any way, big or small, in the past couple of months?

St._Andalou

I know how you feel. I have friends who do this; I think we all do. It's a passive-aggressive streak, which I think a lot of Irish people have.

Unfortunately, the reality is there's not much you can do. On the one hand, it's difficult to pick out small things he does. If you confronted him over little things, he'll think you're overreacting. And it's not just one little thing that annoys you, really, it's lots of little things adding up to make one big thing. On the other hand, you can't very well say, "I dislike your attitude in general". He'd get very offended and, at any rate, it's probably not true. You must like his company if you spend time together.

I cooled off relations a bit with the people who make snide remarks to me. I tried confronting them about stupid things they'd say, and it led to arguments all the time, which I don't have the energy for. I don't think they're going to change -- it's part of their personality. Now I spend less time with them, but the time we do spend together is better. That could be an option for you.

Are you sure there's not something else bothering you? Getting annoyed at little things is sometimes an indicator that there's something not quite right. If he often ditches you at the last minute to spend time with his girlfriend, then you're right to get annoyed.

LegacyUser

AdmiralRazor wrote: »

Was he the one who told you about this rumour that your mutual friend was mad at you? Because if he is, he probably orchestrated that little scenario in an attempt to make you look bad in front of your other friends.

And you go on to say that lately he's aiming disparaging remark after disparaging remark at you, and then shrugging it off as if you should feel like a fool for taking it personally.

No, he didn't construct the rumour. That's not his style. And he'd have no reason to cause trouble between friends. Unless he's a sociopath. Which I'm pretty sure he's not!

As for your second point, I agree with the feeling like a fool for taking it personally part. That's exactly how I feel. Sometimes he hit pretty close to the mark. And I get annoyed about it but say nothing because then I fell like I'm the unreasonable one who cant take a joke. I can. But it gets to you when it's constant smart-arsery!

St._Andalou wrote: »

Unfortunately, the reality is there's not much you can do. On the one hand, it's difficult to pick out small things he does. If you confronted him over little things, he'll think you're overreacting. And it's not just one little thing that annoys you, really, it's lots of little things adding up to make one big thing. On the other hand, you can't very well say, "I dislike your attitude in general". He'd get very offended and, at any rate, it's probably not true. You must like his company if you spend time together.


Are you sure there's not something else bothering you? Getting annoyed at little things is sometimes an indicator that there's something not quite right. If he often ditches you at the last minute to spend time with his girlfriend, then you're right to get annoyed.

Nail on the head. That's pretty much exactly it. I know he's not out to hurt my feelings. And this is something he does to everyone, which is fine. But not everyone spends as much time hanging out with him as I do, being best buds and what not. And when there's nobody else around, it's cool. But it seems that once there's others around, he starts this bloody performance. Which is ironic as he's always said he'd never ever be able to perform in front of an audience!

I'm not stupid enough to think that he'd ditch his girlfriend for me. I may be the single one, but I know what it's like to be in a relationship, and I'd never hold that against him. And he drops plans with our group of mates all the time, or tells us he'll have to run it by his girlfriend if we ask him to do something. That's fine. I know everybody's an individual and has to make their own choice, and if he wants to run everything by his girlfriend, that's his perrogative. But he knew this one thing was something we'd been talking about for months. And he did say last week we'd go. Even yesterday morning it was a case of 'yeah, I'm up for it.' But then to switch at the last moment and give me two excuses. It just peeved me off.

But you're right. I will step back for a bit. We were supposed to head down the country this weekend, but I'm going to hold off. There's a big party planned for next weekend, so I'll just step back for a week and stop offering my help and company all the time and get nothing but sarcasm in return. Maybe then things will begin to change. I doubt it. If I thought it'd have any affect, I'd actually talk to him about this issue. But then it'll just be glossed over and then later on I'll be made feel like I was being ridiculous. And that's not something I want. But thank you for the advice. Both of you guys!

boarduser1980

you sound like a sensitive guy, and im sure this 'friend' plays on your soft side. to be honest he doesnt sound like a real friend. you are just there for him to poke fun at, you should either stand up to him or ditch him, you dont need 'friends' like that, especially if he gets you so wound up.
he sounds like an arsehole

tbh

he does sound like a bit of dick, to be fair.

arial

I wouldn't entertain him, he sounds like an idiot

fasty

You should be pissed off but since this chap is the way he is you can either put up with it, tell him or just stop bothering with him. As tbh said, he sounds like a bit of a dick.

I usually pick the latter option. People like that don't like to be criticised. They see it as an attack as opposed to another person expressing their feelings or opinions.

santana75

Yeah Ive come across people like this and its tricky dealing with them if you dont know what youre doing. But I read this book "nasty people" by Jay Carter and all became clear. These type of people are called "Invalidators" and theyre too be avoided if possible, but you can learn how to deal with them effectively.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Nasty-People-Jay-Carter/dp/0071410228/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279895899&sr=1-1

I knew a guy like this before and he used to make sly remarks to me, Just like your friend. Although it was always done behind a veil of humour. So he'd smile but at the same time try and put people down. And thats the tricky part, its hard to deal with somebody whos being nasty but pretending theyre only joking. Poeple find it hard to deal with this kind of behaviour because they dont want to be seen as somebody who cant take a joke or someone who cant take a slagging. And thats how these "Invalidators" work, they thrive on the ambiguity. But like I said, you can learn to deal with them. In my own case I worked with a guy who acted like your friend, constantly delivering putdowns behind a veil of humour. The first thing I realised was that when somebody is attacking like this that means the gloves are off. You cant be civilised with these people they need to be put in their place and given a dose of their own medicine. You have to make a show of them. So I carried a bottle of water around with me and the next time this guy did his putdown thing, I said nothing, I just pointed the waterbottle at him and drenched him. He was shocked and humiliated, everybody around stopped and laughed at him. He didnt know what to do, I had attacked him but all behind a veil of humour. He went all quiet and looked like he was going to cry. He shuffled off with his tail between his legs and said nothing for the rest of the day. And that was it, he kept his mouth shut around me and never messed with me again. I know it sounds a bit childish to squirt somebody with water, but as I said, when someone is attacking you covertly, the gloves have to come off.


On a side note: Why would you not go to the movies by yourself? This guy had let you down and in general was behaving like a dick, so why would you allow the actions of such a person control what you do or dont do? Do your own thing regardless.

Blackdrag

Kick his ass for being a dick in front of his friends??

No that’s a joke, My mate was like that to be fair i talked to him about it and we sorted it out.

You are right to be annoyed over the whole thing but you could consider that he’s trying to move forwards with his life? Spending time with the GF and making excuses.

Eventually the sad part is if you don’t talk to him about it and get it straight now you could lose what sounds to be a close friendship.

Oh and i understand about the sly remarks its banter amongst the lads... some people dish it out more than others.

trio

Yeah, he's a bit of an arse.

But just reiterating what's been said - best thing is to take a step back. He'll still be a bit of an arse, but if you're not around it so much you might not care so much.

Or you could do what I do with people like this - When he gives you one of his little bitchy responses, stop dead in your tracks and just frown in puzzlement and go "Huh??" looking at them like they're making no sense whatsoever.

He'll either go "Nothing - joke" or he'll actually start explaining his "witty" remark.

Better than those Bitch Bombs that explode in your general direction leaving you reeling and having to scrabble around for a wittier riposte. That's too hard 10 times a conversation, as you said.

The Huh?? thing might leave you open to him wondering if you've gone temporarily deaf - but more likely he'll just change his tone since the ol' bitchy back 'n forth clearly isn't happening.

Larianne

St._Andalou wrote: »

I know how you feel. I have friends who do this; I think we all do. It's a passive-aggressive streak, which I think a lot of Irish people have.

I had friends like this when I was 17 years old.

tbh wrote: »

he does sound like a bit of dick, to be fair.

Yep.

arial wrote: »

I wouldn't entertain him, he sounds like an idiot

Agreed. Why bother been friends with someone if they are constantly trying to put you down or make you look like a fool or just aren't that interested.

Either tell him to cop on and stop acting like a tool or just distant yourself from him. You call him your best friend. Doesn't sound like he's acting like one.