Doubtful in life and relationship?

LegacyUser

This is really hard to write. It's about my 7 year relationship and if there's anything left in it.

I really need to give some long-term background, though. I would say for most of my childhood into adulthood, I've found coping with life a struggle. The reasons for this are that my mum became seriously ill when I was in primary school, recovered but wasn't the same, then died when I was in secondary school. On top of that, I was bullied in school, and when I wasn't bullied, I had serious self-esteem issues. Added to that was that my Dad wasn't always around because of his job, and he's a typical 'unemotional' Irish dad, but I honestly don't know how much that affected things. I love him and respect him. On the other hand, after my mum died, he met another woman, eventually she moved in and family and personal life became very, very difficult. And I've always felt that my relationship with my mother, and her love, was sort of compromised. My dad has never talked about how I have felt about all this, it's a non-issue. I realise he still finds things painful, but we need to talk about these things.

I also found going to college very difficult initially. I would say I was failing to cope with mourning my mother's passing and being extremely shy. While I always thought my 'core' was beyond these anxieties, I would say acute anxiety has been my default mode. It was when I was prescribed anti-depressants, and went to counselling on and off that things became more normal. I would go through phases of enjoying myself then diving into the depths of dark anxiety and depression. I've suffered with this yo-yo between normality and chronic anxiety for as long as I care to rememember. This said, I've done my best to overcome things and be positive about life. Entering the work world has been another crazy experience. Apart from a crappy job I had to earn some pocket change, I completed a post-grad course and entered the world of work - an area I feel very passionately about. But I found this experience also very stressful. Exciting, but everything would make me stressed, even naseous.

I would say I've become used to being like this. In between good moments come rough moments fairly regularly - a three or four bouts a year on average.

At a later stage in life than most, I felt I was a little more capable of looking for love, a relationship. Until this point, I'd never been with anyone. I met a girl over 6 years ago and we're still together. We have a lot in common. She's the yin to my yang, I suppose. In so many ways, we have a great life together. We have similar priorities and wants in life. Sometimes we're too similar, I think we don't cope with stress so well. But we love our life. With all of the above, though, I haven't stopped going through these bouts of anxiety, and inevitably I question the relationship as I question everything.

I need to back off from this and explain a little about what's been going on more recently. We had been living together a number of years. Our work situations have, in different ways, been very stressful. Whether it was college or juggling two different and difficult careers, she was always so stressed, it would feel as if there was no space between work and home, home wasn't so much of a haven. At the same time, on the career side of life, I was feeling very stressed and stuck, I had vague ideas of what I needed to do to develop professionally and personally, I was working for a crazy boss. Well, a number of times over the years, things came to a head and we broke up, but we always managed to stay together. Horrible, horrible times. But she would always help me see the woods from the trees. I would get wrapped up in my own little world - really trying not to - and we would talk seriously about our relationship, our future. Always, whatever it was between us, we would overcome it and there would be so much love. We'd be emotionally connected again, things would flow. Little looks, touches, doing things for her would fill me with joy. Perhaps our sex life is in the 'OK' category, but it would feel so much better. All of this on my occasions was so much I couldn't bear it. I felt I had to get out, but I would always be drawn back to something good in my life despite the challenges of being in a long term relationship.

Anyway, we agreed one time that I needed to take a major step in my work life and that that might mean going abroad for a while. I did get a job overseas - which was a surprise - and I totally freaked out about it. We talked and it genuinely seemed like something that would be great for the both of us. Rather than having jobs, I'd have a career. Problem was the job is thousands of miles away, and we've done brilliantly getting through it, with a few months of the contract to go. It's expensive but we've met up every few months. I go back home, she comes here.

The interesting thing is that after a major bout of depression and anxiety - homesickness and missing her, I would hope - I recovered and for nearly a year, I've taken life by the horns. I've been, for the first time, standing on my own two feet. I feel more like the person I am inside. I should have done this years ago. Turning 31, I have been really evaluating things. I've been thinking: "Right, I have a career, I have a long-term girlfriend, I'm even beginning to see children down the line, and I feel more OK about engagement and marriage".

She came to visit for a few months, and honestly, I've never been closer to proposing. This is also a make or break moment for us. I know it is. I was a little afraid that she wouldn't slot into the life I've made here but it's exactly the opposite. Everyone loves her, I love her enjoying herself here, I believe I've matured since I came here. Time is ticking and I want life to move on.

But out of the blue, I'm feeling very anxious again. It's affecting everything. One thing is, having finally been standing on my own two feet and truly learning to manage stress, be open and fun and everything, yet grounded, readjusting to having her in my life for a few months before temporarily parting again, well, its coincided with me feeling anxious again. I think about proposing - I've been imagining when and where to do it, just us - but there's a hesitation. But I've never been closer to doing it. In fact, sometimes the idea makes me feel excited. The big question resolved, and on to making babies and growing up. I suppose not talking about it so much is having an effect - I'm scared talking about such things, yet I get excited about them and we feel closer when we do. I seem to put up barriers. I go down the line of thought and think - I do this, then this happens, then this happens. And I'm terrified of making a mistake. Why am I feeling these crippling anxieties? Am I trying to tell myself something, or is it real but my life experience have affected things? I feel naseous, and sometimes unimaginable urges flash through my mind.

I suppose I'm hit with a contrast - having lots of time by myself to be comfortable in my own skin, maintaining a relationship long distance which I take strength from, but also having not experienced anxieties of this sort in a major way until she came to visit scares me. I know I'm talking a lot about myself, but my anxiety is her anxiety. It affects her, and more questioning? Putting her through more when I have issues still to address? On the other hand, I'm dealing with these issues so much better than I was, meaning I'm stronger and more confident than before. More mature. But then I ask myself if I'm just surviving by distancing myself from things. Not taking things seriously. I feel there's a dark side to me which causes feelings of anxiety, stress, guilt. It affects everything.

I suppose I'm asking myself: how do you know? How can you ever know? Are these feelings now a cause of a symptom of all this? I just don't know.

LegacyUser

Everyone, I know this post makes me look like a very selfish person.

There are so many things I haven't said. On commitment, we nearly bought a house but things didn't work out (timing, price, job insecurity). We're a team, so many think we're a great, compatible couple. I realise I magnify the negative. We bicker and in the relationship I work hard to overcome my own feelings because I know they're silly. For example, we overreact to stress in each other but I've tried hard to learn how to react to this better as it often triggers a similar (empathetic) reaction in me. The joy I feel when she's with my family and extended family. But then I fear that my anxieties would rub off on them (I imagine having two). And the idea of becoming a dad, well I feel like I could be a great dad, I love children, and she'd be a loving mum. Such a massive responsibility (and we discussed that this would be a couple of years off). And what if it doesn't work out? In nearly every way, by any measure, I realise things are good.

But there's this sadness inside. And scary thoughts in these states of mind. We've worked our way through tough moments before.

LegacyUser

I suppose, with feeling so much of my life feeling sorted by now, I honestly didn't expect to get dragged back into this sh*t.

Sorry.

newtothis2010

ourunlisted wrote: »

But there's this sadness inside. And scary thoughts in these states of mind. We've worked our way through tough moments before.

OP, thanks for sharing your story, you certainly seem to have been through a lot in your life and I surely can't relate to a lot of it, what struck me most about the posts was the above...

the sadness and scary thoughts... as an outsider looking in I would say thats perfectly understandable based on what you went through from an early age.. is it scariness that you may turn into the typical non emotional Dad, that you will never be close to your kids?

Having gone through that, to a point, in my own family I know that whilst we look up to our fathers there is that fear that somehow we will take the negative traits we see now and carry them into us being fathers.. but in fairness I think our dads are of a different generation, they certainly never stood around talking about how unemotional and unavailable THEIR dads were... but we do (I'm early 30s guy too).. and the fact you recognise these qualities in your father means you have the chance to change that, in you, with your kids..

You have done an awful lot and been through an awful lot and yet your g/f has been there through thick and thin for the last 6 years.. she has supported you through the mood changes, crappy jobs and a career building move overseas.. she has taken time to visit you and vice versa, that doesn't sound like something to be negative about, that doesn't sound like she doesn't want to be there for you, that spells a desire to be with you and support you, as you supported her during her stressed times..

I'm not at all familiar with the anxiety and depression side of things and perhaps others on here who have experienced similar can share how they get through things, but having that in you would I'd say would most certainly make you question things..

but why question the relationship? you seem to have come to a mature understanding of what you want and that you want your g/f in that picture..
you ask how you know? I think you know the answer to that already, but you are letting these dark thoughts answer for you...

by proposing marriage to this girl and (assuming!!) she says yes, I don't believe you'll be "Putting her through more when I have issues still to address" it seems she's been helping you with these issues for years, be it consciously or just by her very presence and love.. give the girl some credit she knows by now what you are like and yet she is still there for you? that is fantastic!!!! You say you are a team, well team mates talk to each other.... tell her your fears and darkest thoughts... you might be surprised at her response..

OP you seem to have a tonne of good things going for you in your life and whilst this may be a pivotal time for you now, take stock of all the good things going on, have reread of your post and just see all the +'s there and try evaluate if the negatives are indeed big things or things you can let go of..

OP, whilst I feel for the inner turmoil you are going through why not try to focus on how you got through that year feeling great..

maybe this is all something as simple as you are getting the pre proposal jitters???.... maybe getting through this big step will see all the dark thoughts drift away as you'll know where you are going in life for definite, (obviously not a reason to propose but I don't think you'd be thinking of it like that..)

you seem like you genuinely want to build a future with this lady and I hope you do cos the past you've had with her seems to be a solid foundation for doing so..

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply.

I just don't know. I'm in the middle of another crisis and I don't feel able to talk about it. I feel that if I do bring up how I feel, it'll spell the end.

You're right that she knows what I'm like. She also knows I'm scared of this level of commitment even though in so many ways I'm happily committed. Yes, its the commitment thing. On the other hand, I fairly regularly go through these inner crises where everything seems that I don't have control over negative thoughts and feelings. I can't sleep, sleep too much, I don't eat, I go inside myself, I suffer extreme nausea and in the past year, well, thoughts of ending my life seem to pop into my head but I don't believe them. What feelings motivate these? Fear, guilt, possibly anger, pity, profound sadness. I keep questioning every moment we have together, and this makes me question the basic things in a relationship

Then someone says or does something or time passes and things seem OK again.

Having had time to myself, I suppose I've realised for the first time that I'm OK on my own. Life is less complicated. Honestly, I thought I'd turned a corner. A new future. She comes here, we settle back into coupled life. Things go well. To my shock, I'm going through this all over again. When will it stop?

Maybe I just don't have a wide breath of experience in relationships as this is my only relationship. Things change over time, feelings change, and perhaps somehow I expect something unrealistic?

It's just up and down for me all the time. Often I have no grounding.

I cannot take this anymore, psychologically and physically. And neither can she. I really need help.

jessiejam

Just briefly OP

IMO I really do think if you can get the anxiety sorted, I mean really sorted. Pschyotherapy, CBT maybe some meds on your doctors advice obviously. Everything will fall into place for you.

It seems that every step you try to make you are held back by negative thoughts, one of the classic symtoms of anxiety.

Don't make any major or life changing decisions just yet, get to the root cause of the anxiety first, then you will find it a lot easier to make objective decisions without over analysing every move you make.

You seem like you have a great GF there OP, hang on to her

Best of luck

D

Sound Bite

Hi OP,

This is no way to live.

You owe it to yourself to seek professional help. While you appear to have benefited a lot from the changes in the last year or so, I don't believe your anxiety issues can be resolved without professional intervention. Even your writing style is manic and anxious.

If I were you I'd hold off on any other changes, e.g. engagement etc, until you address these issues. There is no point adding to your stress and anxiety. Then and only then will you have the freedom to fully enjoy what will be a happy time for you both.

Do you want to spend the next 50 or 60 years of your life like this? or do you not owe it to yourself to spend the next year or so addressing this so you can enjoy the years ahead of you? Imagine a life free from the stress and anxiety from which you now suffer...you deserve it.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks. This makes sense. I know I can't live like this.

We've spent time apart for over 10 months now. But we've held the relationship together. Since a major depressive episode, I've honestly never been happier and more stable and positive about work and life. I'm happy to have her here, but to my shock, I'm going through this thing again. I honestly didn't expect it as I believed I turned a corner. The problem is in me, not her.

I don't feel I've had the opportunity and time in my life to succeed under my own steam.

I know she's great. My messed up head leads me to ask 'is she the right one?' or 'who else is out there?'. Maybe I should listen to this. And the fact is me raising this again will probably be a deal-breaker in my relationship, honestly.

The reality is I can't stop these feelings, and you're right that I need space to sort out my head.