Settling down - compromises?

LegacyUser

Myself and the OH often talk about settling down (been together 6 years, both almost 27). He says he won't ask me to marry him until I agree to have 5/6 kids as he wants a big family. I only want a few kids but think it's silly to plan for them, you have one and see how things work out. I think he might be serious. He says he is. Apart from this our relationship is fine but if it's not going to go anywhere when do you throw in the towel ?? If he means it obviously we will never get married so what's the point

LegacyUser

Your OH is using complete emotional blackmail. As a father of one, with another on the way, I can safely say that if you two get married and get to 3 or 4 children, his quite immature and idealistic need to have 5 or 6 kids will be long forgotten. Do you really think that after having 4 kids, say 8 years down the line from now, that he will divorce you because you don't want one or two more at that time? It's a completely ridiculous attitude. Personally, my wife and I have always discussed having possibly 4 kids but we'll take it as it comes. After the first, she felt like she didn't want anymore ever and felt like this for a while. Her body, her choice in my opinion. Your OH needs to grow up a bit. When you get to the stage where you're married, have one or two kids, awake during the night with kids teething, his attitude will be very different.

mood

He is being very unfair. He isn't the one who has to go through carrying a baby and childbirth etc. You have to reach a compromise or end the relationship.

There are a lot you both need to think about anyway:

And what if neither of you can have children?

Does he also expect you to be a stay at home mother? Would you be happy doing this?

Can you afford all the children he wants?

AngryBadger

OP there's no possible way this can be viewed as anything other than totally unreasonable. Demanding that a condition of marriage be a willingness to have 5/6 children is just crazy, it might be reasonable (even practical) to plan for 1/2 kids ahead of time, (I mean kids are a life-long commitment), but 5/6 that's ludicrous.

Why has he decided on 5/6 kids? Does he have a secret stash of wealth to pay for all these kids? What about the impact having 5/6 kids may have on your health? I mean if he's talking about having these kids over the next decade, allowing for engagement/wedding/etc. you're possibly looking at being expect to bear 5/6 kids in an 8/9 year period, which could be traumatic for your body.

I'd love to know where he's coming up with this number and why he thinks this is a reasonable expectation?

I'd be telling you to walk away if he sticks to his guns on this, tbh I'd have serious reservations about the maturity/intelligence of someone who'd even entertain a notion like this as it indicates a complete lack of any common sense.

Maguined

I don't see this as emotional blackmail, I see this as someone being honest. He has an idea in his head of what he wants, he is being honest with you about that and that this is a potential deal breaker for him. Would you prefer a man that was not honest about his desires in life? would you be happy if you got married and then he turned around and said he refused to have kids at all?

His desires for a big family might seem unrealistic but everyone is entitled to seek what they want in life so you should appreciate his honesty and then you have a hard choice on your hands in trying to figure out if the two of you are compatible for the future if the two of you cannot reach an accepted compromise.