Advice please dont know what to do???

sassychick

Hi there not sure if this is the right place to post mods feel free to move it if you need too;)God i really dont know where to start..basically i came out of a long term relationship,with kids involved as i just didnt feel happy in the relationship..neither was he may i add...i met a fella b4 the breakup and he was so nice and made me feel good about myself...so i started seein him casually ...ting is my ex and my family found out and went mad...my dad basically told me he would never accept him and wouldnt want to know me...this was really the reaction from all my family as they feel he is the reason for the break up...so to cut a long story short im liven a lie...i feel totally stressed out with the whole situation im on tablets 4 depression and anxiety....i dont love my ex and havent done for a long time but they wont let me move on ...if i do they will make my life hell...i dont know what to do???Advice anyone

LilMsss

This is your life, not anyone else's. You were obviously unhappy in the relationship, and don't love your ex, so staying in that situation would have made you deeply unhappy.

You sound very stressed right now, but that will pass. Do you live with your parents? If not, you need to sit them down and explain to them that this is your life, and you are making decisions based on your needs and those of your children. Surely they wouldn't expect you to stay in a relationship that wasn't working? It would have made you, and eventually the children miserable.

Tell them you are an adult, and whether you choose to continue seeing this person or not is none of their business. They're probably disappointed that things didn't work out and are lashing out and blaming this other man, and to a lesser extent you.

If they don't respect your decisions, then maybe it would be best to minimise your contact with them. As for the ex, obviously there has to be contact cos of the kids, but lay down the law with him and create terms for access, but make sure he knows he can't manipulate or emotionally blackmail you over the relationship ending.

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to Relationship Issues

Taltos

It's your life.

Once you are providing a safe loving home for your children I am afraid it really is NO-ONE else's business.
Here's the thing though - if everyone is used to giving you advice you need to break that habit. When they start - just smile, nod even. But do NOT engage - do not respond on YOUR personal life.

If your family choose to cut you off - what is really the worst? You will lose a source of stress....
If your ex gives you grief - so what. He is an ex now.

You are an adult. You have children. So choose to live your life as you see fit - thank others for their concern but be clear you will not accept ANY interference in your life so long as you are providing the safe loving home for your kids.

Don't hide things - they fester. Don't avoid things - it will just stress you out. As issues come up - tackle them head on, but do NOT engage in discussions with family/friends who you know disapprove in HOW you live your life. Sometimes people just cannot help interferring - it does not mean they are right... Live your life so you are happy and your kids are happy - everyone else - can just go shag off. <sorry for being blunt one of those days>

sassychick

Thanks guys for this advice i really apreciate it,i have a few friends i can talk too but i feel like im burdening them with my problems:(anyway im goin to try and take some of your advice and see how it goes...thanks again:)

LegacyUser

Ok probably not a popular viewpoint judging from the other replies but just find the hypocrisy on this forum a little much at times. Subsitute a guy into that position instead, in a relationship, unhappy and there's kids. Lo and behold, meets someone WHILE STILL in the relationship and starts to "casually" see them whatever that means?

I somehow don't think the replies would be sympathetic.

I'm not trying to be judgemental or anything but this smacks of self pity. I was in a relationship, we have children, I was unhappy so I had an affair and now I'm the bad guy.

What about the partner you were unfaithful to? Ok you were unhappy. You also say he was unhappy too. That still doesn't justifies anything goes.

I'm unhappy in my job, I don't get paid enough. Does that mean I'm allowed go and rob a bank to live life as I see fit?

Obviously it doesn't. A little bit of maturity, responsibility for your own actions and taking control of your life is the way adults generally get through life.

If both of you were unhappy the normal way to resolve it would have been to either

a) If you feel there's anything left worth saving do your damndest to save it!

or

b) Have enough respect for the person you once loved and who is the father of your children and finish it with him before you start casually seeing someone.

I'm sorry OP, not trying to give you a hard time but find it very hard to have sympathy for someone who seems to think just cos they're unhappy in a relationship this gives them carte blanche to do whatever the hell they want and f*ck everyone else.

So the new guy was really nice? made you feel good about yourself? easy enough to do when he doesn't have to be there 24/7, pick up the kids from school, attend parent teacher meetings, arrange dental appointments for their braces etc etc and the million other mundane little things that make up your daily normal life.

And your ex went mad when he found out you were having an affair? Honestly can you blame him?? seriously?

And your own family too? If I was in your position I can tell you my family would react the exact same way if I was to go off for a bit on the side when I had a wife and kids at home.

So they felt he was the reason for the breakup. Seriously can you blame them for seeing it that way? Ok to have an affair in the first place means something was seriously wrong with the relationship, but even if you think you would have finished it anyway an affair really is the end game move so it's not surprising they saw it that way. Maybe you should consider that before you think they're being unreasonable.

OP despite all of the above I can and do sympathise. I have been in the position where I was unhappy in a relationship, I just choose to finish things differently.

But lastly and something you should consider very carefully if you are planning to continue seeing this guy. If you are I would advise to step very carefully because to be honest any guy who is happy to knowingly have a relationship with a woman he knows to be married or in a relationship and has children has little to no integrity at the very least.

Taltos

Just remember a few things.
> stay calm
> don't be confrontational / argumentative...

At the end of the day if you are old enough to have kids and get married you are old enough to steer your own life.

"I really appreciate your care for me and are just trying to help, but I would much prefer that right now you let me live my own life and make my own mistakes."
If they persist
"This is my private life and I am not going to discuss it with you."

Good luck.

Beruthiel

sassychick wrote: »

i met a fella b4 the breakup and he was so nice and made me feel good about myself

When you say met, were you having an affair while still married?
Could this explain why your family are angry?
Perhaps they thought if you were having an affair then you didn't make an effort within the marriage.

Either way, this is your life and you need to grow a back bone and tell your family to back the hell off.
Perhaps keep away from them for a while until they see reason.
They will only make your life hell if you allow them to.

Curry Addict

take control of the situation, this is about you not your family...
if my family did that I would write a letter explaining the situation and ending it with cutting them out of my life for not standing by me and supporting me in this very difficult time for me!

sassychick

guest1234 wrote: »

Ok probably not a popular viewpoint judging from the other replies but just find the hypocrisy on this forum a little much at times. Subsitute a guy into that position instead, in a relationship, unhappy and there's kids. Lo and behold, meets someone WHILE STILL in the relationship and starts to "casually" see them whatever that means?

I somehow don't think the replies would be sympathetic.

I'm not trying to be judgemental or anything but this smacks of self pity. I was in a relationship, we have children, I was unhappy so I had an affair and now I'm the bad guy.

What about the partner you were unfaithful to? Ok you were unhappy. You also say he was unhappy too. That still doesn't justifies anything goes.

I'm unhappy in my job, I don't get paid enough. Does that mean I'm allowed go and rob a bank to live life as I see fit?

Obviously it doesn't. A little bit of maturity, responsibility for your own actions and taking control of your life is the way adults generally get through life.

If both of you were unhappy the normal way to resolve it would have been to either

a) If you feel there's anything left worth saving do your damndest to save it!

or

b) Have enough respect for the person you once loved and who is the father of your children and finish it with him before you start casually seeing someone.

I'm sorry OP, not trying to give you a hard time but find it very hard to have sympathy for someone who seems to think just cos they're unhappy in a relationship this gives them carte blanche to do whatever the hell they want and f*ck everyone else.

So the new guy was really nice? made you feel good about yourself? easy enough to do when he doesn't have to be there 24/7, pick up the kids from school, attend parent teacher meetings, arrange dental appointments for their braces etc etc and the million other mundane little things that make up your daily normal life.

And your ex went mad when he found out you were having an affair? Honestly can you blame him?? seriously?

And your own family too? If I was in your position I can tell you my family would react the exact same way if I was to go off for a bit on the side when I had a wife and kids at home.

So they felt he was the reason for the breakup. Seriously can you blame them for seeing it that way? Ok to have an affair in the first place means something was seriously wrong with the relationship, but even if you think you would have finished it anyway an affair really is the end game move so it's not surprising they saw it that way. Maybe you should consider that before you think they're being unreasonable.

OP despite all of the above I can and do sympathise. I have been in the position where I was unhappy in a relationship, I just choose to finish things differently.

But lastly and something you should consider very carefully if you are planning to continue seeing this guy. If you are I would advise to step very carefully because to be honest any guy who is happy to knowingly have a relationship with a woman he knows to be married or in a relationship and has children has little to no integrity at the very least.

Hi first of all i have taken full responsibilty for my actions ..what i did was wrong and i know that...2nd of all there was alot more to my story inc drugs ...i did try my hardest to work at things for the sake of our kids but at the end of the day tere was nuting there....wen i say i was seeing this guy casually.as in haven a drink or a chat. spending time in his company..as for school meetings dental etc dat was all my doing...my ex couldnt be bothered.....i tried my hardest and it was thrown back in my face....im not looking for pity at all......

sassychick

Beruthiel wrote: »

When you say met, were you having an affair while still married?
Could this explain why your family are angry?
Perhaps they thought if you were having an affair then you didn't make an effort within the marriage.

Either way, this is your life and you need to grow a back bone and tell your family to back the hell off.
Perhaps keep away from them for a while until they see reason.
They will only make your life hell if you all...yeah i did start seeing this guy while i was still with my husband...i understand why every1 is angry but i really did try to make it work for ages...ever1 knew we were unhappy but we were expected to get on with it for the sake of the kids...i know i went about it the wrong way and if i could turn back the clock i would...im very sorry for all the pain ive caused:(

Taltos

I am totally against cheating and cheaters. However you and your family have to live with your choices. Stop sugar coating things for them, but also give them the time they need to get over your adultery.

I really do hope you take guests post to heart. Adultery is just about as low as you can go. Ideally you should have ended things before entering into another relationship and please don't give us - oh it just happened, smallpox just happens cheating doesn't. Having said that though now the choice is made all you can do is be the best damn parent you can be. Once more thank all for their concern but... You know the rest refer to my first post.

Male / female it doesn't matter. Sometimes relationships don't work. Unfortunately your current one has been tainted by the last. Just give them all time and prove them wrong. And don't repeat the pattern.

sassychick

Thanks taltos i will do..