Is it cheating...

LegacyUser

My boyfriend of 3 years got absolutely POLLUTED drunk on Saturday night. He was staying at a friends house, so I wasn't there, but I know he made a holy show of himself.

So he tells me today (in a jokey 'hahaha guess what else I did' kinda way) that he was dared to chat up an older woman (granny with a tash) and he ended up kissing her.

According to him, it wasn't cheating because he barely remembers it, it was only a dare, she was massively ugly and old, and he feels sick thinking about it. According to me, it doesn't matter what the situation was or who it was, he cheated. End of.

What do you think? How likely would you be to go ballistic and/or forgive your OH, considering this is their first offence?

I should mention that after forcing him to think about how he would feel if the situations were reversed, he admitted he cheated and does feel remorseful. I'm just not sure what I'm gonna do about it, or if I'm doing anything about it.

cats.life

im laughing after reading this cos it was adare and he is now sick as a rats ass at what or who he kissed . if it was my lad i would be the same for 5 mins cos it is not in his nature todo it full stop. you know what partys are like full of dares etc. so all he done was make a dried up spinster happy for a second:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

I can understand why you're angry. I think if I was in your shoes, I would also be quite annoyed. Partly cuz he got himself into the state he was and allowed himself to be manipulated into doing it and partly because he did it and thought nothing of it.

In my mind that would be cheating. If she was a hot 20 something year old model that he kissed? It's the exact same situation but people might think "Ah, no harm done." just because it was an older (non-attractive) woman.

I also think it was wrong for him to fool the woman into thinking he liked her.

I think you have every right to be pi$$ed off. I would be too. I don't know if I could forgive my OH. It would say to me that he wasn't the person I thought he was.

Good luck,

CR

AvaKinder

I'd definitely consider it cheating. It sounds like he was almost braggging about it in a jokey way in order to get out of it cuz he knew he'd done wrong.

Zen65

:not:sure: wrote: »

So he tells me today (in a jokey 'hahaha guess what else I did' kinda way) that he was dared to chat up an older woman (granny with a tash) and he ended up kissing her.

According to him, it wasn't cheating because he barely remembers it, it was only a dare, she was massively ugly and old, and he feels sick thinking about it.

This is most interesting.

As an aside....if he told you someday that he had a wet dream about some hot actress, would that be cheating? Is that more of a threat, because she's hot, or less of a threat because she lives in Hollywood and he's never going to meet her?

Anyway, back to the case in discussion:

Your view (I think) is that he kissed another woman, therefore it's cheating. Right?

His view was that it was a dare, exactly the same as if he'd been dared to kiss a sheep on the mouth, and that there was no sexual intent in it, so it was not like cheating.

If he kissed a sheep on the mouth, would you consider that cheating?

If he kissed this older woman on the cheek, would that be cheating?

What about if he kissed her on the forehead?

Is it the kiss, or the intent that is the cheat?

If it's the intent, then it would seem that he did not cheat.... he depersonalised this woman in his own mind and his only intention was to "prove himself" to his male friends. This woman could have been a horse or a sheep as far as he was concerned.

I think it says little about his character that he would treat this woman in such a manner, and that's the bit that would worry me.


Give him hell for a while, then...
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Be at peace,

Z

LighterGuy

Op, you wanna know what the REAL situation is here? Even a blind man could see through this one.


First off he only told you because he feared it would get back to you through aforementioned mates. Thats the only reason he came forward and admitted it.

Which, sadly makes the whole "dare" thing a lie... its the usual trying to shape events for when you hear what happened. So your view isnt what really went on. Its called being pre-emptive.

Sad thing is... your bf kissed another women. But then lied to you. Saying "ah it was only a dare... i feel bad"



What you want to do next is up to you. However dont be a sucker and believe such a transparent BS story.

Emme

cats.life wrote: »

im laughing after reading this cos it was adare and he is now sick as a rats ass at what or who he kissed . if it was my lad i would be the same for 5 mins cos it is not in his nature todo it full stop. you know what partys are like full of dares etc. so all he done was make a dried up spinster happy for a second:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

As a single older (37yo) woman I take offence at that description of the woman the guy cheated with. She might have been older and unattractive but hey, he still kissed her!:mad:

You might like to know that not all older women are grateful for the attention of drunks.

OP, he cheated no matter who (or according to some posters, what :rolleyes:) he cheated with. More to the point, do you really want to go out with someone who behaves like an idiot when he's drunk?

Oryx

This woman is probably only 'massively ugly and old' as told to you. What is he going to say, he kissed this sexy older woman? Youd go mental. So the whole story is sugar coated to make it sweeter for you to swallow.

The guy sounds like a tit a)to get that drunk and stupid, and b) to pass the story off the way he has. But hey, all men are tits sometimes (and women too). Id say make no bones to him about what would happen if he dared to do something so bloody stupid again, forgive (but dont forget) and move on.

S23

A dare? How old is he? 12? He needs to grow the fcuk up. You've every right to be spectacularly unimpressed.

He sounds like an immature twat to be honest

LegacyUser

Oh dear OP.

I can only give you my experience. I heard from someone that my partner had kissed another girl. He denied it, then said he was drunk. Then he said he didn't really remember it but it must have happened. He said he loved me, that the girl was fat and ugly, she was common as muck. She smoked like a chimney and was loud and obnoxious and stupid. She wasn't a patch on me yadda yadda.

Turns out that while all those things he said were true, he was also happy enough to be screwing her behind my back. For a year. He loves her apparantly and they are getting married next year. Loud and obnoxious is appealing to him it appears.


This girl was probably not as old and as minging as he implies.
Imo, he cheated. He might have only kissed her for a dare. But he kissed her (i'm assuming we're talking snogging here).

Also, what sort of a childish idiot is he that he thinks it's "funny" to go around kissing women on a dare. He has a girlfriend. End of.
Would it be ok if he shagged some "ould wan" for a bet?

Up to you as to what you do with this guy but I'd be thinking he's a bit of a tosser tbh.

This sounds like a variation on the “It meant nothing to me” excuse to be honest.

I do not know why that is the excuse people go to first when they are caught cheating… I imagine if someone broke the bonds of a relationship with me by cheating I would at least want to know it meant something to them and that is why they did it. Something massively emotionally wonderful that caused them to be tempted astray.

Instead, to learn that something entirely meaningless was more than enough to lead the person off the path and to break the promises that the average relationship comprise of… well that is just even worse!

The guy did not just cheat on his GF in the OPs story. It literally did not take him much to do so. A relatively unattractive woman and a few jibes from a mate or two was all it took. How will THAT make his girlfriend feel when she finds out, which partners more often than not do.

It would be hard to forgive... almost impossible to just dismiss. However NOT telling her is even worse. He would then be piling dishonesty and lies onto cheating.

LegacyUser

My wife did that on me, not quite the same scene... or a middle ages female, More so a year older and with her ex... 9 years on I’m cool n happy and don’t worry about her cheating!

Yer there is a chance he’s lying to you, the way he told you wasn’t fair, if you must ask around be subtle find out what happened.

In the end there is only two choices, forgive him or get rid! End off.

Warn him by all means n let him know you’re not happy and there will be no second chances after this.

Done Dusted End of! Forget about it.

Don’t make life any harder than it is!

---

Feel free to hunt me down!

LegacyUser

First, kissing a woman for a dare does not sound like something a grown man with full mental capacity would do. If he did do it for a dare, you're going out with an idiot.
Second, if he does have a brain in his head, the fact that he's so upfront and almost bragging about a childish dare is worrying. It means he snogged her because he fancied her and he thinks dressing it up as a dare will get him off the hook.

Either way, he doesn't sound like a great prospect for a boyfriend. You truly deserve someone better, ie a man who understands the role he needs to play in a relationship

boarduser1980

how wud he feel if u went out wit ur mates then tld him the next day that you kissed an older, ugly man for a bet??? he wud call you a dirty little slapper and a tease. He showed no respect for you in front of his friends, it may have been a bet, but im sure his mates are all laughing 'at' him not with him. If you forgive him, he will think your soft and what can he get away with next time?? a shag...it was only a bet.....Listen hun, if you have any respect for yourself you would tell this immature fool where to go....if he was to play childish games when he is out with his mates let him do it without you been his OH.you deserve better

LegacyUser

There is not a hope in hell that this girl he kissed, is old and ugly and has a moustache. I'd bet my last penny that.

He cheated while drunk OP. It's up to you to decide if you can trust him after that.

SheRa

+1 to the posters who stated that they thought he might be telling you before someone else gets a chance to.

:not:sure: wrote: »

she was massively ugly and old, and he feels sick thinking about it.

What would p*ss me off as much as the kiss, is a real lack of respect that he is showing this woman in his description. Even if he was single, kissing a woman for a dare is a really cruel thing to do. That in itself would actually be a dealbreaker for me.

Kingpin187

Cheating is cheating is cheating etc

Duckjob

SheRa wrote: »

What would p*ss me off as much as the kiss, is a real lack of respect that he is showing this woman in his description. Even if he was single, kissing a woman for a dare is a really cruel thing to do. That in itself would actually be a dealbreaker for me.

+1

He really comes across as an immature knob in this story. Sorry OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. I've actually been letting him read this thread so that he can get extra perspective on how bold he's been!!

I know he didn't lie about not wanting to kiss the woman. I know he didn't lie about the fact that she wasn't a young, sexy attractive lady. He's a terrible liar and he rarely ever tries to lie. Plus, he's terrible actor and the surprise he displayed when I didn't greet his little jokey incident with laughter and bit the head off him instead was quite real!!!

I reversed the situation and asked him how he'd feel if I did the same with Mr.**** (an older guy we both know) and he did say it would upset him, and he would be angry at me for disrespecting the other man like that.

I know he's not lying to me.

I know he can understand how I feel now and he is sorry.

So I'll keep him (for now) and see how it goes. I have told him he needs to make it up to me, so we'll see how that goes!!!

S23

Fair play to you for being so considerate with a clearly immature idiot. You're a better person than I. I hope it doesn't blow up in your face or come back to haunt you.

Hopefully he has learned his lesson. All the best to you in the future

SarahSassy

:not:sure: wrote: »

I have told him he needs to make it up to me, so we'll see how that goes!!!

I assume by not snogging someone again?

boarduser1980

a lepper never changes its spots> he got away with it - he'll do it again;)

LegacyUser

It didn't work out.

Not so easy to brush off after all. Plus, we had other issues.

On this one issue though, he backtracked from 'okay, I recognise that I cheated' to 'I understand that YOU feel I've cheated, but you have to understand that a kiss is just a kiss to most Adult people in an Adult Long-term relationship'.

He basically told me I was immature to not be able to understand that what he did meant nothing.

So now, I be single.

It's gonna be a big, painful adjustment after 3 years.

boarduser1980

:not:sure: wrote: »

It didn't work out.

Not so easy to brush off after all. Plus, we had other issues.

On this one issue though, he backtracked from 'okay, I recognise that I cheated' to 'I understand that YOU feel I've cheated, but you have to understand that a kiss is just a kiss to most Adult people in an Adult Long-term relationship'.

He basically told me I was immature to not be able to understand that what he did meant nothing.

So now, I be single.

It's gonna be a big, painful adjustment after 3 years.

dont be thinking like that, ppl break up all the time. Theres plenty more fish in the sea, and you deserve to be treated with respect. at least he knows your not a push over.

Jenneke87

:not:sure: wrote: »

It didn't work out.

Not so easy to brush off after all. Plus, we had other issues.

On this one issue though, he backtracked from 'okay, I recognise that I cheated' to 'I understand that YOU feel I've cheated, but you have to understand that a kiss is just a kiss to most Adult people in an Adult Long-term relationship'.

He basically told me I was immature to not be able to understand that what he did meant nothing.

So now, I be single.

It's gonna be a big, painful adjustment after 3 years.

Ah the old"i´m going to try and reverse this thing and blaim you trick"

Be glad he´s gone and find someone who does respect you and doesn´t go off kissing other girls be they ugly, pretty or from Mars.....