Somebody please help me Social Services called

LegacyUser

I think I am about to pass out. I have 3 kids,8,5 and 11 months. I just recieved a call from a social worker who is coming out here on Friday as she recieved information that I abuse my husband and that my children are being affected by it. My husbands mother, who it a nasty piece of work did this. There is no truth in it, we have rows like any other couple and we are having problems but he goes running to her telling lies all the time about me, it's only becuase he knows I want to seperate and he is trying to make me look as bad as he can and the only way to hurt me is through the kids. He has hit me on several occassions, had to call the gards twice but I didn't follow thru with it as I didn't want the kids seeing anyting like that and I thought he would cop on, that was until he went around saying I split his head open which caused so much trouble for me, he even had my family on his side, he is very convincing. I have had injuries that I didn't show to people and stayed indoors till they cleared up and told nobody. I was cleaning up empty shampoo and cream bottles one day and was throwing them into a pile in the corner when one hit him in the head and he went and called the gards, went running to his evil family and all hell broke loose. The gards did nothing about it because I wasn't even there when he rang them so it looked like a set up to them, it's like he waited on me to go on the school run and made what he could out of it.
The kids are fine and never see any fights, the odd raised voices but I make a point of not arguing in front of them. They are so happy, very close to me and the baby just cries even if I go to the shop.
I am terrifed now. Mother in law has not seen the kids in a year, won't let her near them anyway she never had much to do with them anyway, she is really horrible and my son was afraid of her so put a stop to that.
It's so evil though, behind my back my husband is lying all the time while I just care for my kids at home and go off to work 3 nights a week when he comes home and I work weekends. My mother knows we are having problems but she would never do something like this, she knows the kids are fine and is intelligent enough to know people argue plus she knows what I am like that I am pretty quiet.
Thing that really upsets me is that I said to him I think we should make a big effort to make a go of things between us and we have 3 children to consider and our home and all the time he is doing this behind my back.
So, I told social worker to come out no problem and that I am horrified that 3 happy, loved and close children are at risk because of a bitter old cow that has nothing better to do that attempt to destroy my life and theirs. I have so much info on how irresponsible and mad she is I can hang her but I just rise above her, but not anymore, this is the last straw.
So can anyone tell me what I should do now??. I am in tears here holding my babies wondering what is going to happen to us.

metrovelvet

Use this as an opportunity to get yourself out of your situation. Tell them about your husband. Tell them you need help. It's a blessing in disguise.

mikemac

in a terrible state wrote: »

He has hit me on several occassions, had to call the gards twice but I didn't follow thru with it as I didn't want the kids seeing anyting like that and I thought he would cop on,

If the gardai have this on record then that is something significant.

Between now and next Friday, write down a list of what you want to say, put together a case. And hide it from your husband obviously.

Not a case to prove anything, just organize your thoughts so you can clearly communicate to the social worker where you are now, what happened in the past and what may happen in future.

It makes it easier for the social worker. Of course you'll be emotional but you will be able to say whatever you need to say

Big Bag of Chips

The big misconception is that Social Workers are there to cause you trouble...

Social Workers are there to help you. Your children are not going to be taken off you on Friday. So no need to be hugging them and crying! (Although I can completely understand why you're doing it!)

The social worker will come out, talk to you. Listen to you, and then try to work with you to making your situation and circumstances better for you and your children.

Does your husband know that the social worker is coming? Will he insist on being there so that you can't say "too much"?

To be honest, I don't really know why you are still in the relationship. Having 3 children isn't reason enough to stay together if physical violence is an issue.

And you may think the kids don't know much.. but they know enough. They are getting to ages now, espcially the older one, where they will start coming up with their own explanations as to why mammy and daddy are always fighting. And you can be absolutley certain, that at some point, they will take the blame for the rows.. "I'm too bold", "I'm too messy", "I didn't tidy my room today".

Your relationship isn't happy or healthy.. you need to change that. However you change that, is entirely up to you.

Nevyn

The children are not at risk they will not be swopping in to take them off you.
I know it's a huge shock when they call and it's hard and will feel like an awful betrayal but you can get through this.

Be honest with them when they arrive, tell them about the past incednets, tell them to check with the police.

Your children are not ok, even if they dont' see/hear the rows they know whats going on. It can be very hard when you feel that you have no support and that you have a toxic meddling mother in law.

Get support, tell your friends or family memeber you trust, try have them there for you when the socail workers call around, so that they can make you tea or keep the kids distracted while you talk to them.

Have you been to your dr with any of your injuries, is there a record?

The social workers will see it for what it is, martial break down and your husband doing what he can to undermine you. Get help from the social workers, get them to push him into mediation or to help you get a safety order and if needs a barring order.

This could be the very thing to expose what is going on and to help get support you need. If you know your kids are well loved and well cared for then hold your head up and tell them that, but it is not idea for the kids to be in an enviroment which is toxic and not seeing rows doesn't mean they don't know things are not right at home.

kmick

Just tell her the truth.

LegacyUser

She did ask would he be here aswell coz she wants to talk to him to (as he is the victim!!-makes me feel sick) but he is working so can't make it, thing is if he takes time off to be here he will do all the talking and make me look so bad, he has a way like that, even did it in front of my parents once and knew what buttons to push so I would get annoyed and just not talk to them in the end as he contradicted everything I said.
I know that my 8 year old is fully aware of what goes on, he asks me why Daddy makes me cry and told more than one person outside the home that his Daddy always makes his mammy cry and that it's better when Daddy isn't at home. Thing is, it's the truth, just the 4 of us is lovely, totally normal until he comes in, doing what he can to upset me. My GP is fully aware of what is going on, went to him after I had my 3rd baby last year and he knew all along things were bad, he was just waiting on me to open up. I know what they are doing, they are pushing me to breaking point and hoping I have a breakdown and that leaves the door open for them to make out I am not fit to care for my own kids. I would consider myself a good mum, and my friends and mum think I am a very good mum and are proud of the lovely kids I am raising. I do everything with them, keep the contacts in school with teachers, always aware of how they are getting on plus they tell me anyway, we are very close that way.
I did call the gards twice but didn't take it further, so don't know if that is still on record. When he called the gards that time I was not here and arrived home to a garda car in the driveway he said when they were gone he was going to match the calls I made and I would never get rid of him.
His mother is just a sick evil woman who hasn't seen the kids in a year, his family have never even seen the baby and this happens??.
I am just so upset that I have been made out to be a violent abuser to a man who has all but destroyed my life and taken his pathetic family along with him for the ride. Gas thing is, the other grandkids in that family could do with a social worker visit, one is left home alone half the time, others are filthy and their language for children is terrible.
I know what he is capable of though and them, they can manipulate this and could win the social worker over, afterall they are ones who initiated this. I am just in bits and really afraid. He is so good at the I am so nice act and the fact that I have said nothing and even offered him the chance for us to sort things out, really am a stupid girl. I know I should have left him long ago, sure he said he will never leave the house, it's all about money and bricks and morter with him. Even calls it "his house", joint mortgage like, he is a pig.

mikemac

in a terrible state wrote: »

Gas thing is, the other grandkids in that family could do with a social worker visit, one is left home alone half the time, others are filthy and their language for children is terrible.

Leave this out of it for now and concentrate on your situation

Dragging in your brothers and sisters in law and their children is not the way to go here.

in a terrible state wrote: »

I know I should have left him long ago, sure he said he will never leave the house, it's all about money and bricks and morter with him. Even calls it "his house", joint mortgage like, he is a pig.

The house is for both of you, that's straying into legal advice on what could happen to the house but anyway, you are not at that stage and may not get there.
Anyway, talk to social worker.
Have you offered to go to a mediation service and he refused, is that right?

Adam

the social worker will assess the situation themselves, you don't need to worry about who's side anybody else is on, if you are fit to care for your children then you will be fine, leave the husband if needs be or if you want to. but get a grip and don't let this turn any worse than it has, for the children's sake.

on a side note, is thaed drunk?? so many typos, never seen that before from her!

Nevyn

Tell the socail workers to check with your dr and ring your dr to let them know it's ok for them to do so.

Why are you still living there?

I know it's hard with 3 kids but you need to but your health phyiscal, emotional and mental health first or else you will not be able to be there for your children.

Seriously move out leave him to the house and start a new life, it won't be easy but it will eventually be better the living hell it seems you are enduring.

tenchi-fan

"he is a pig.. his family are evil.. i hit him on the head by mistake and he called the guards. We argue but the kids don't hear it."

If seems you do have some issues. Hopefully the social worker will be able to help you.

Don't forget, the social worker is not trying to take your kids away and very rarely is this option even considered. Just co-operate and be honest. Try to remain calm too.

LegacyUser

The social worker is not going to take your kids away.

I know how stuff gets twisted. I had that in a relationship myself recently. My ex attacked me, I called guards, then he begged me to lie to them, while he stood outside the door telling them I had been drinking, which wasn't true.

So the lesson I learnt: tell only the truth. Never lie for anyone.

I don't think you're in any danger here from social workers as they are on your side.

But you need to take a good look at the relationship and say enough. Also, no-one ever hit anyone on the head by accident. Just be honest, with yourself and them.

You're obviously a good person, so you don't have anything to fear from the truth, even if you have made a few mistakes (that he drove you to no doubt!)

Good luck x

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, I am going into see a solicitor this morning, maybe this is the kick in the backside I needed to get away from this toxic situation for good. I actually cried all day yesterday and went to bed with the kids and slept till 7am this morning, was just exhausted. He didn't want to talk about it and is still involved with his toxic mother and sister behind my back. I have taken copies of emails and bringing them with me to show what I have been put through and all the lies.
I know I hit him on the head but it was an accident and I was so angry with myself, he was delighted with himself that he could make such a horrific story out of it. I made the mistake lying for him for years, covering up the problems and telling nobody.
I know the children won't be taken off me but what upsets me is that they have basically made out I am a violent person and that is such a lie. My friends started laughing at it yesterday, my nickname has always been chicken as I am so quiet and I have the same people in my life for over 20 years. He has issues with his family, when I met him he has nothing to do with them and I thought that was terrible and to try and patch things up, his mother and sisters are really horrible, the things they said to me about him over the years and I just kept well away, couldn't believe people would be so horrible. But, now with fact that our marraige is over and seperating, he has decided to bring them in as reinforcements to destroy me.
Two of my friends will be here with me on Friday morning to support me and we are writing everything down and once the social worker walks out the door that should be it but I am just afraid that he will keep this lie up along with his mother.
I am going to see 2 houses to rent in the morning and I will move out of here, he can have the place. I need to protect my children and get my life in order without him and anything nasty around us.
I have spoken to my gp who is only too happy to talk to the social worker plus I have the times I called the gards up, so once I am calm and tell the truth it will be okay.

Big Bag of Chips

Good for you!

Really really well done, as another poster mentioned, this is a blessing in disguise, because it's given you the kick up the arse you need to get yourself out of it.

Who cares what they go around telling anyone? Who's going to believe them? Not anyone who knows you, and anyone who doesn't know you.. their opinion of you means nothing anyway.

"Those that matter don't mind.. those that mind don't matter."

Your last post shows a total change in tone, you are strong, you are determined, and you can get out.

You should ring up your mother-in-law some day and thank her!!:D!!

EDIT: It's not going to be all plain sailing when you move out - you'll be starting a whole new chapter with them all then. But know that you are doing the right thing, and keep your family and friends close to you so that you have their support.

LegacyUser

Don't worry about children going into care...the social worker never makes a judgment based on the initial referral received- that's why he/she will meet with you to listen to your perception of the situation. your children will not be taken into care unless the social worker feels it necessary to demonstrate to a judge that they are at immediate/significant risk, which you have stated they are not.

Social Workers not only look for whether a parent is abusing a child etc, but also whether a parent has the ability to protect a child from abuse (this includes witnessing abuse). It is really important, in order to reinforce this, that you demonstrate how you have reflected upon your situation and realised that in order to protect your children from experiencing an abusive situation at home, you are willing to make big changes (leaving your husband, renting a new place etc)- although, perhaps if you got a barring order and custody, you could maintain you and your children in the family home??

However, without knowing the details, I have one concern- things are never easy when you are dealing with a violent, controlling person who has the ability to be manipulative. There are potential safety risks associated with telling him you are leaving him, taking the children etc... please think it through carefully, and ensure that you don't place yourself at risk of violence. Support of friends is important in this regard.

Without wanting to be sensationalist, think about Rachel O Reilly's situation- marriage breaking down and violent, controlling father at risk of not having his kids full-time... domestic violence can escalate rapidly when the tables are turned (now, he might think you are at risk of not getting custody if you split, if you flip the situation so he then realises he might lose his kids, then he could get very angry).

Please protect yourself.

Although the child protection social worker may want to help you through this, they will more than likely not have the room on their caseload to do so... so get some specialist advice to help you through the practicalities of a split from a violent person- everything from moving homes to protecting yourself during the split.

If you need any further encouragement to get out of a violent relationship (whether it is one or both of you who are violent) have a look at this link...
www.unicef.org/media/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf

Good luck...

jessiejam

On a serious note, Social services have seen all of this before and they will realise he's a complete w****r. Sorry i've nothing else to add to previous posters info, but just to wish you the best of luck with your 3 beautiful children.

Be strong girl

Good luck x

LegacyUser

well done on being so brave and proactive in this difficult situation. you can ring the womens aid helpline on 1800 341 900 if you would like some non judgemental, non directive support and to hear some of your options. it's a freephone number and is open 7 days a week from 10am to 10pm

xxx

d'Oracle

OP.

You don't have to fear the social services.
Things have to be pretty extreme to take kids into care.

Social workers deal with frivolous and untrue referrals all the time.
So if the kids are well and cared for etc, then you have nothing to fear.

steddyeddy

in a terrible state wrote: »

She did ask would he be here aswell coz she wants to talk to him to (as he is the victim!!-makes me feel sick) but he is working so can't make it, thing is if he takes time off to be here he will do all the talking and make me look so bad, he has a way like that, even did it in front of my parents once and knew what buttons to push so I would get annoyed and just not talk to them in the end as he contradicted everything I said.
I know that my 8 year old is fully aware of what goes on, he asks me why Daddy makes me cry and told more than one person outside the home that his Daddy always makes his mammy cry and that it's better when Daddy isn't at home. Thing is, it's the truth, just the 4 of us is lovely, totally normal until he comes in, doing what he can to upset me. My GP is fully aware of what is going on, went to him after I had my 3rd baby last year and he knew all along things were bad, he was just waiting on me to open up. I know what they are doing, they are pushing me to breaking point and hoping I have a breakdown and that leaves the door open for them to make out I am not fit to care for my own kids. I would consider myself a good mum, and my friends and mum think I am a very good mum and are proud of the lovely kids I am raising. I do everything with them, keep the contacts in school with teachers, always aware of how they are getting on plus they tell me anyway, we are very close that way.
I did call the gards twice but didn't take it further, so don't know if that is still on record. When he called the gards that time I was not here and arrived home to a garda car in the driveway he said when they were gone he was going to match the calls I made and I would never get rid of him.
His mother is just a sick evil woman who hasn't seen the kids in a year, his family have never even seen the baby and this happens??.
I am just so upset that I have been made out to be a violent abuser to a man who has all but destroyed my life and taken his pathetic family along with him for the ride. Gas thing is, the other grandkids in that family could do with a social worker visit, one is left home alone half the time, others are filthy and their language for children is terrible.
I know what he is capable of though and them, they can manipulate this and could win the social worker over, afterall they are ones who initiated this. I am just in bits and really afraid. He is so good at the I am so nice act and the fact that I have said nothing and even offered him the chance for us to sort things out, really am a stupid girl. I know I should have left him long ago, sure he said he will never leave the house, it's all about money and bricks and morter with him. Even calls it "his house", joint mortgage like, he is a pig.

op im sorry your in this state its hell i imagine, as a child i was in a simular situation and your husband sounds like my mothers partner, your right he is a pig, his mother sounds simular. heres the good news op social workers are not in the business of seperating child from mother. as you well know abusers like your husband are extremly manipulative and have a house personality and a outside personality. Op please find a way to ask a social worker to help you find a way out my mother didnt, untill in front of my mother her partner and the social worker i blurted out what was going on but this was not till i was old enough to stand up to him. i know the nice act myself if he tries that get out faster see it for what it is a act! when he is nice to you think of the time when he was worst to to and re-enact it in your head untill you remember his true coulors. best ofluck op ill finish by saying once you tell the socail worker the hell your living with youll feel a weight lifted, they are used to this thing dont worry op it will come good.

Billiejo

Hi. Please be reassured.
In this business we see this and similiar senarios EVERY day.
Guarentee, SW will believe you when you explain the situation with M-in-Law and hubby's pattern of run and tale telling.
Once a complaint has being received by SS they have to investigate especially now since new CP policy in place which involvs domestic violence. (In CP terms, evidence recommends that where there is DV then the children are affected & need to be protected).
Contrary to popular opinion S.W's. role is to ensure family's stay together.
Even if your marriage is in difficulty and you split from hubby in the future this would not be near enough to split you and kids. Also childrens wishes are taken into account.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, and thanks for all the advice and well wishes. SW left about half an hour ago and it wasn't too bad. Told her the truth and my own concerns, she has to do a follow up with hubbie and check garda reports and will get back to us.
I am worried about her meeting hubbie though, she told me that mil told her that he sent a text to his sister saying I hit him over the head with a pan and split his head open, so there you see it the lies being told. I got very upset and cried alot, she knows the children are fine the whole thing was the domestic violence and effect on the kids is what she was checking out, but the person being accused of domestic violence was me!. There was nothing about his behaviour, so I told her everything and told her he runs to them with lies and I am constantly looking over my shoulder, that I am very upset and stressed out about this and haven't been able to sleep or eat since she phoned me that she was coming out here.
She said I need some support and was okay, but I will stop worrying when I get a letter saying case closed. God knows what he will say to her now when she meets him, he will make me out to be a monster.
It's horrible feeling so sad though and worrying so much.

Justask

I just read through this thread and my heart goes out to you.

Do you have family and friend support?
The only bit of advice i cn give you is that the social workers are very very experianced and can see through trouble maker and false claims.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, are you still planning on moving out? If you are, then his tell-tales should stop (or at least lessen) if you are not under the same roof. If you split his head open, he would have had to get stitches, or if he braved it out and didn't go to hospital, he'd at least have some sort of mark!

As others have said, SW see this sort of thing regularly. It's not nice to be happening to YOU of course, but it's not going to come to anything bad (for you).

Keep your support network close to you. If necessary pack an "emergency" bag, and leave it in a friends, or your parents house.. so that if you need to get out quick - you can.

You'll be fine. You'll get over this, and be better for it.. because you'll be out of there.