Just need advice,please help me :-)

budwider

Ok,here goes.I am in a long distance relationship with my fiance,we have always shared passwords online,i don't check hers all the time,maybe once a month.I know that is completely wrong of me to do so and i know that it is bad.But yesterday when i get home from work,for some reason i get a gut feeling about my fiances facebook page,so i tried to log in,the password had changed.So i reset it with her email,i know that was wrong too.When i opened the account i saw that she had sent a message to the boyfriend she had before she met me(they broke up because he didnt make time for her) hes an army guy and is away for the rest of the year,in her message she sent her well wishes and told him to keep safe.She is a single mother,living with her own mother,no friends to speak of really.I got furious when i saw this message,i went to work and before i did i chatted with her on skype and made it seem like i was fine.After a while in work i couldn't control my feelings anymore,i called her and asked her about it,she said it was totally innocent and she was only talking to him to see if he was doing ok and that she was in need of a friend and that she changed the passwords because she didnt want me in her stuff.I was livid with her and i honestly gave her hell,i said things like "**** you,were finished" and "enjoy waking up some morning in a trailor park".she became hysterical after i hung up and drove home,her mother was there and was not happy about it,my fiancee was so upset everything came out,the mother is pissed with me.After i called later on in the night,she was at the point of ending our relationship,i begged for another chance to make it right,so she said fine,as long as i talked to my sister about the whole thing and called her mom to apologize.

I have no probs doing that,but any thoughts on the situation would be really appreciated.

thank you so much.

Kiera

You were bang out of order and if i was her i'd have dumped you a long time ago. How dare you check up on her. You need to sort your trust issues out and you have a lot of making up to do after those hurtful things you said to her. I'm gonna stop typing now or else i'll say something that will get me banned.

Is this a joke?
You invade her privacy, lose the plot at an innocent message, call her all sorts of insults... do you even have ANY respect for her?
If I were her I'd be telling you to sling your hook.
I suggest you get some kind of anger management classes and question as well if you have any respect/love for her. People don't call people they love trailer trash, and she's your fiancee!
I would also suggest you keep your nose well out of all her accounts and don't ever log in without her giving you express permission.

No idea why she would stay with you, to be frank.

budwider

I am thankful for the words of wisdom here,i know i made a mess of things,how do i begin to fix the damage i have done?

budwider

Kiera wrote: »

You were bang out of order and if i was her i'd have dumped you a long time ago. How dare you check up on her. You need to sort your trust issues out and you have a lot of making up to do after those hurtful things you said to her. I'm gonna stop typing now or else i'll say something that will get me banned.

i know i was wrong and i am so sorry for what i did,how do i start to make up for my mistakes?

budwider

budwider wrote: »

i know i was wrong and i am so sorry for what i did,how do i start to make up for my mistakes?

Well as a user above just said… anger management courses would be a good place to start.

You demonstrated a clear inability to discuss in a mature way either the events, or your feelings. Instead anger and other emotions took you over and ruled you. They caused you to act, and speak, in a way that usually only children on a school yard would because they know no better.

If I were you, I would start with this… mature up… get into a course to help you muster and master your feelings and emotions better… and when that is done come back here and ask about step 2.

Trust me, right now if it was her posting here and not you looking for advice, I would guess that 4 out of every 5 posters would be telling her to not even give you a second chance.

budwider

Deleted User wrote: »

Well as a user above just said… anger management courses would be a good place to start.

You demonstrated a clear inability to discuss in a mature way either the events, or your feelings. Instead anger and other emotions took you over and ruled you. They caused you to act, and speak, in a way that usually only children on a school yard would because they know no better.

If I were you, I would start with this… mature up… get into a course to help you muster and master your feelings and emotions better… and when that is done come back here and ask about step 2.

Thank you very much,i will take that advise.I do speak before i speak a lot.Believe me i hate that i do it more than anyone else.

MissFlitworth

budwider wrote: »

i know i was wrong and i am so sorry for what i did,how do i start to make up for my mistakes?

Go to see her in person and apologise. Do not in anyway try and turn it round into something that she should be sorry for (ie 'I'm sorry I went through your emails but you shouldn't have done x, y or z' or 'I'm sorry I went through your emails but I was worried' etc. There's no excuse for snooping). Ask for another chance. Then tell her that you trust her absolutely and ask her to change all her email and social networking passwords and never try to get a hold of them again.

If you don't trust her absolutely then don't bother with the apology and trying to get back together because you'll just end up snooping again and this would be an absolutely sh1tty thing to put her through twice

budwider

MissFlitworth wrote: »

Go to see her in person and apologise. Do not in anyway try and turn it round into something that she should be sorry for (ie 'I'm sorry I went through your emails but you shouldn't have done x, y or z' or 'I'm sorry I went through your emails but I was worried' etc. There's no excuse for snooping). Ask for another chance. Then tell her that you trust her absolutely and ask her to change all her email and social networking passwords and never try to get a hold of them again.

If you don't trust her absolutely then don't bother with the apology and trying to get back together because you'll just end up snooping again and this would be an absolutely sh1tty thing to put her through twice

I am so ashamed for what i have done,i wish i had never done it,i want to let her know how much i really love her and i am deeply sorry for upsetting her and not trusting her,i think the problem is with my own insecurities.She is a wonderful girl,do you think she would ever be able to forgive me?

Kiera

budwider wrote: »

i know i was wrong and i am so sorry for what i did,how do i start to make up for my mistakes?

You need to get help for your anger and trust issues and show her that you mean it. If you do not do this she will always have it in the back of her mind that you can blow at any chance and that you dont 100% trust her.

budwider

Kiera wrote: »

You need to get help for your anger and trust issues and show her that you mean it. If you do not do this she will always have it in the back of her mind that you can blow at any chance and that you dont 100% trust her.

Thank you.

LegacyUser

budwider wrote: »

But any thoughts on the situation would be really appreciated.

I don't think your partner deserves to have you checking her facebook account every month. I don't think she deserves to be verbally abused for wishing a friend well.

I think the two of you should break up, and you should sort out your jealousy and anger issues. I would hate to be married to a person who checks up on me, and flips the lid when he finds something he deems inappropriate

budwider

unregsireree wrote: »

I don't think your partner deserves to have you checking her facebook account every month. I don't think she deserves to be verbally abused for wishing a friend well.

I think the two of you should break up, and you should sort out your jealousy and anger issues. I would hate to be married to a person who checks up on me, and flips the lid when he finds something he deems inappropriate

I am not going to be checking up on her anymore i am sick with myself i did in the first place,and as for my anger issues i have found a helpful support group.We wont be breaking up just yet,she is a supportive person and will help me to fix my problems.Thank you for your input though.

kenbrady

budwider wrote: »

she said fine,as long as i talked to my sister about the whole thing and called her mom to apologize.

You were way out of line. Your issues won't go away, abusing her and extreme spying is not normal.

But making you tell your sister and apologise to her mother, is just being a drama queen. Playing up to her and your family.

Your behavior and her behavior, make a very bad relationship. It's not going to end well.

SarahSassy

unregsireree wrote: »

I don't think your partner deserves to have you checking her facebook account every month. I don't think she deserves to be verbally abused for wishing a friend well.

I think the two of you should break up, and you should sort out your jealousy and anger issues. I would hate to be married to a person who checks up on me, and flips the lid when he finds something he deems inappropriate

+ 1

OMG, she deserves to have the freedom to get away from you, who is acting like a bully and an abuser. How dare you speak to someone like that? What gives you the right to abuse the person you are supposed to love most in the world… Do the best thing for her and set her free….

Mancoach

Hi Op

Seems to me like your getting a pretty hard time from some posters here.

Lets break down what appears to have happened.

1. you and your partner are in the habit of sharing each others online passwords with each other presumably in the spirit of openness. Although this might seem unusual to some people it is the "norm" in your relationship. You periodically check her accounts and have done for some time. Again i am assuming that she was aware of this or at least knew it was a possibility.

2. You get a gut feeling that something is wrong and act on that feeling by attempting to log into her account only to find that she has changed her previously accessible password. Alarm bells start ringing.

3. You gain access to her account only to find that your instinct was right and that she has been surreptitiously in contact with an ex boyfriend.

4. Your reaction is one of extreme jealousy (which i would contend is perfectly normal given the circumstances outlined). you attempt to contain the feelings of jealousy by acting normally towards her however it eventually overwhelms you and you confront her and say some things in the heat of the moment which you now regret.

5. She gets upset , involves her mother in the situation ,threatens to end the relationship and the whole thing turns into a soap opera.

6. You apologize and she makes you jump through a few hoops but ultimately agrees to give things a chance.

your getting a lot of stick on here lad which i think is unwarranted. yes you messed up with the name calling etc but jealousy is a powerful emotion and makes people say and do silly things. Your partner knew that contacting her ex would upset you, yet she did it anyway and indeed took steps to cover her tracks. Jealousy is the only possible way that you could react to that and don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

you don't need anger management or support groups mate. Your reaction was perfectly normal. in-fact for you to have reacted without any jealousy would in my opinion be abnormal.

Look the situation appears to have resolved itself at this stage. you have both made mistakes but the only thing you can do now is forget about it and move on.

Stop beating yourself up dude. A man who never made mistakes never made anything.

Peace

LegacyUser

Mancoach wrote: »

Your reaction was perfectly normal. in-fact for you to have reacted without any jealousy would in my opinion be abnormal.

His reaction would've been normal (apart from the name calling, which I thought was abhorrent) if his fiancee was in the habit of messing with his head/flirting with other guys/being secretive.

If his fiancee has never given him reason to be suspicious, then his reaction was way out of line. If he's suspicious because that's just how he is, that's something he needs to work on because he'll drive his fiancee away otherwise.

Good to hear your fiancee is supportive OP. Good luck getting back on track.

MissFlitworth

Mancoach wrote: »

Hi Op


you don't need anger management or support groups mate. Your reaction was perfectly normal. in-fact for you to have reacted without any jealousy would in my opinion be abnormal.



Peace

What an absolute load! His reaction to a completely normal, friendly email to an ex who was going away with the army telling him to keep safe and wishing him well

budwider wrote: »

When i opened the account i saw that she had sent a message to the boyfriend she had before she met me(they broke up because he didnt make time for her) hes an army guy and is away for the rest of the year,in her message she sent her well wishes and told him to keep safe.

was to

budwider wrote: »

i honestly gave her hell,i said things like "**** you,were finished" and "enjoy waking up some morning in a trailor park

That is a completely insane overreaction, coupled with the complete not-on-ness of reading her emails in the first place

boarduser1980

Just because your in a serious relationship with someone it doesnt mean they should have your passwords for anything. You still need your own space and are entitled to privacy. otherwise there is no trust. Have you cheated on her at all? cos usually in a relationship if one cheats they are guilty and think their OH is cheating too
regarding talking to her ex.... it was an innocent email asking how he is. its not as if she was arranging to meet up with him or anything, if she was then thats a different story.
if i was in her shoes, i'd dump you straight away cos you make me feel like your insecure and a control freak. Sorry im just giving my opinion.

Mancoach

I think the only "completely insane overreaction" have been to the replies to the OP's thread. I'm pretty sure that he posted on here looking for some reassurance (he already admitted he messed up). Instead he's been told to attend anger management classes , seek some kind of counciling and cut his fiancée loose because he's not worthy of her! All because of a relatively minor issue.

He became consumed with jealousy (because his fiancé was secretly in contact with her previous boyfriend), flew of the handle and called her some names. He apologised , admitted he was wrong and went so far as to post here for some advice only to find himself flamed to within an inch of his life.

I don't see how that's in anyway helpful to him. Perhaps it's not ment to be?

The Op seems like a decent guy. Supporting a single mother , dealing with an interfering mother inlaw and generally it would appear doing his best to make the relationship work.

I think some perspective is required.

Fittle

Can I ask OP, do you see each other often? How 'real' is the relationship? My apologies if you are offended by my question but I only ask because a friend of mind has a l/t 'relationship' with a guy, and something similar happened to her.

However, she has met this guy once. They have been e-mailing for 12 months. And yet she says it's a serious, long term relationship. I'm a bit baffled by this, and wouldn't consider this a real-life experience of what a relationship should be.

It can be hard to build up trust if you don't see much of each other. If your only or main contact with each other is via e-mail/text, there are many reasons why you could have trust issues.

LegacyUser

Mancoach wrote: »

I think the only "completely insane overreaction" have been to the replies to the OP's thread. I'm pretty sure that he posted on here looking for some reassurance (he already admitted he messed up). Instead he's been told to attend anger management classes , seek some kind of counciling and cut his fiancée loose because he's not worthy of her! All because of a relatively minor issue.

That just sounds like advice to me, which is what he was looking for.

Calling your fiancee 'trailer trash' for getting in contact with a friend is not a minor issue. It's a huge issue and needs to be sorted before they walk down the aisle.

budwider

budwider wrote: »

i couldn't control my feelings anymore, I was livid with her and i honestly gave her hell,i said things like "**** you,were finished" and "enjoy waking up some morning in a trailor park".

.

budwider wrote: »

and as for my anger issues i have found a helpful support group.

Mancoach wrote: »

Instead he's been told to attend anger management classes , seek some kind of counciling

He admits he can't control his rage, flew off the handle, and happily found a support group. What exactly was wrong with suggesting he do so?

Blackdrag

First, don’t judge this man, how many people who have wrote bad comments know what its like to have a long distance relationship?? if you been there then fair enough.

I’m not going to say what you did was right but you had a gut feeling and you went for it. Fair enough you had a read.

If i was in your boat i would have stopped at the password being changed and had a chat with the missus. Each to their own tho.

Just make sure you learn from your mistakes and take the time to talk and have faith in your partner.
Team work and trust in this situation is key.

And apologise to mommy trust me a mother in law can make life difficult!! haha

leave the bloke alone you guys he came on here for help not to get abuse!


Anyways Good Luck

Blackdrag

Blackdrag wrote: »

First, don’t judge this man, how many people who have wrote bad comments know what its like to have a long distance relationship??

Me. It's still no excuse to fly off the handle.
I'm sure I still know his passwords - or maybe he changed them, I don't know or care - but I've never once even considered using them unless I was specifically checking something for him.

leave the bloke alone you guys he came on here for help not to get abuse!

Well, he got help

Blackdrag

As i said fair enough, he admits he made a mistake. Im a techie and COULD get acess to everymachine in the house, inc my wife. (Facebook, email, phone logs) I dont have the passwords and i dont want them, Personaly i would just ask whats going on and why shes acting strange. its easier just to ask

And as i said its key he doesnt make the mistake again and has trust in his partner.

newtothis2010

+1 to all of the above..

budwider wrote: »

She is a wonderful girl,do you think she would ever be able to forgive me?

Forgiveness, like trust, is earned ......

through your actions not your words...