Serious Doubts

TheBigUnit

Hi,
I'm seeing a girl for the last 14 months. We are both mid thirties and live in seperate towns about an hour away. I have started having serious doubts about the future of our relationship mainly because of the crazy bad moods that my girlfriend gets into. She has a good job and earns good money but she never has a penny. The last two weeks before she gets paid she is broke so in bad form. If they ask her to do even an extra hour in work she gets moody. If she gets hungry, she gets in a mood. If she doesn't have full control of a situation she gets moody. For example, if I call to my folks and they offer us dinner she gets annoyed because it wasn't what she had planned. I ring her every night and she doesn't even stop what she's doing to talk to me and I have to make all the conversation. I'm generally a very happy contented person and I don't let things get to me. I treat her very well, pay for most nights out and weekends away and generally act like a decent boyfriend. I've had a few bust ups with her over the last few months and everything is okay for a few weeks and then it starts going down hill. She really wants to get engaged and married in the next year but all I can think of is that life will be totally hell if I ended up married into a relationship like this. I feel that if she want's to get engaged then she's going the wrong way about it.
I am seriously thinking of asking her for a break of a few weeks to let her decide what she really wants to do. I'm not sure if this will be any good but it might help her to realise what she really wants.
Am I being foolish thinking like this or am I being foolish staying with her?

munstergirl

From what you say i think you are being foolish staying with her.

Few reasons no mention of love or good times.

She has good job, good money and you pay for most nights out. (after 14 months should be 50/50 unless she was unemployed or had crap job.

Bad moods we all have them, occasionaly!! But other people should not have to suffer cause of person bad mood.

Read your post again, what advice would you give if it was a friend. She sounds like nightmare but there are two sides to every story.

TheBigUnit

Munstergirl,
In fairness we do have good times and lots of good nights out and weekends away but her moodiness has started to push me away. I was really in love with her but I think it's fading fast now. She nags me a lot about silly things and if I go out with the lads for a night I feel there is conflict the following day. She gets in bad form if she goes shopping because she can't find anything she likes. She gets very odd about really silly insignificant things. She questions the cleanliness and quality of everything. She gets tired very easy and goes to bed really early and she can't handle any sort of pain or ache. How would she fare out with pregnancy.
I am very laid back and easy going and I don't let small silly things to annoy me but everything gets to her. She's a mad worrier and I think she has trust issues. I don't think she has a problem with me being unfaithful but she has difficulty trusting me to do stuff that I've always done myself.
Okay, I was single for a long time before I met her and I probably got too independent and too used to doing my own thing. Maybe this is normal but if it is then I may have signed up for the wrong thing.

niceoneted

High Maintenance comes to mind this will not change.
You deserve better and there are some wonderful single girls out there. Go looking else where.

Trier

Hi OP, i have a similar problem with my bf.

I too am the happy, enthusiastic, positive type and thought he was too but i'm discovering now that we've moved in together (we've been together 14 months too), that he's judgmental, moody (always claimed he was but never realized how bad it is), has misanthropic and even depressive tendencies. Also he has the same aversion to the unexpected/the unprecise / spontaneity as your gf...Ooops.

Thing is he's also judgmental and criticizing/belittling even towards me. Don't know if your gf is only moody or really makes you pay for her moods. Mine does and that's not going to happen.

I'm going the route of changing MY behaviour to make him change his. Some of his reactions i can understand or accept (even if i don't feel the same), some others i will not have and he better change his ways. Also gently but firmly and above all VERY CLEARLY i'm communicating to him the way i see / feel about this.

I think you should speak to her about this as well. Don't go for the break route IMHO, but show you're ready to be supportive and help her feel less upset sometimes (when you understand where she's coming from, maybe through humour or cuddles, nice, patient words : even if they're too angry on the moment for it to always work, it doesn't have an impact believe me..).

And for other times when you feel she's being a self-centered "diva", also state clearly that this will have to change. It's like Confusius : "soft is stronger than hard" in the long run, so change your behaviour first to show you are ready to take her as she is...partly, and really are looking to work for a solution, not flee (because you love her and care for her so all this is team work, right?...)...

But the right response from her is to do her bit too. If not, just don't bother with this unpleasant relationship. Life's too short and you'd have tried, and life will teach her to get the cop on...

But don't be judgmental or too critical, just really state that it is a problem and that you want the two of you to bring back the health, fun and peace in the relationship because that's how it's best for BOTH of you. You don't like to see her so upset and negative and missing out on life ("Any second you spend upset is a second wasted you'll never get back"...) without being able to do anything about it, and moreover you don't like when she's angry at you, which is normal, especially when you're trying your best. Also explain that you wouldn't want to feel always afraid when with her, of putting a foot wrong to put her in a bad mood, and that's what's happening : make her realise that what she's doing is destroying your couple BUT that what you want is just things to be great between you again and that you're ready to initiate the work both of you will have to make to put an end to the problem.

Also it seems the problem comes from her living above her means. She'll have to learn that you can't have it all! And that it's not luxury, expensive things or always being "in a representation mode", keeping up with the Joneses that makes you happy and content with your life. It's not settling for mediocrity (especially if 1) she has a good job and the salary that goes with it as you say, 2) has a great boyfriend who pays for most things you do together (you shouldn't be doing that anymore as mentioned...)) but learning to enjoy life for what it is. That's one frustration she'll have to learn at last to let go, and she will need your help. If you're ever to move together/live together, if she's such a money bucket, that will be a practical problem too...

Life is work lady, and everything that's worth it necessitate a lot of hard work : including joyfulness/happiness, contentment/peace and even what is often the ingredient to all of this LOVE and relationships...

Hope that helped a bit.

Remember : no judgment, no criticism of her as a person, just pro-activeness, love, respect and a real will to understand and do your bit (ask her how she feels! Why she's moody/upset/frustrated so often? What would change it? What would be her ideal scenario and is there something close to it that you can work to reach?...) , but clearly COMMUNICATE that there is a problem that needs dealt with, let's see if she seize the opportunity. If not, lots of things learnt from this, you will have done your best and bye bye and good luck.

Neyite

why would you give her a break to see what she wants? she knows what she wants - engaged, married, children. with you. you are the one who needs the break to consider your future. hers is sorted for her.

not sure about the softly -softly approach or leading by example, purely because the examples you give of her behaviour are selfish, and she thinks she is always right.

is a relationship supposed to be that hard work? you are only 14 months together. and you are not even living together. what happens when you dont put the toilet seat back the way it was, or do the laundry/hoovering etc 'wrong'

you made a valid point about pregnancy - but more importantly, how would she be when she is sore from birth, exhausted from lack of sleep, and a baby just wont stop crying. because thats what they do sometimes. what about the toddler years? teenage strops? (and thats not even considering inlaws or commitments, or even your own romantic relationship)

my point is, that if this is how worked up she gets, when your life is relatively uncomplicated by mortgages, school runs, sick kids etc all while trying to hold down a job what will she be like when you dont get a minute to yourselves? just ask over in the parenting forum?

i couldnt live like that.