How should I approach this issue?

LegacyUser

Hello everyone! I have an issue that I really need some outside perspective on, so if anyone has any helpful comments they can give me Ill be very thankful.

Ive been talking to this guy on the internet for a few months , he was friend of my close friends, so we were chatting and getting to know each other. He had a girlfriend at the time, so we were only talking in a friendly manner because we had a lot in common.

Anyway, his girlfriend (of one year I think) broke up with him very recently, and all of a sudden he started coming on to me. At the time I thought to myself, isn’t this a bit too fast for him, but I let my feelings blind me. Anyway we met up a few days ago on a night out with my friends, and we got close. We were talking for hours. It was such a great night.

The following day he sent me a very cold hearted text message (in my opinion), and he was just sending very short worded to the point messages. I couldn’t really create a conversation with him, so I just did the same as he was doing to me. He was being very dismissive. I felt so annoyed and frustrated with him! Before he was so lively and chatty when we spoke on the internet. He was just like “yeah, see ya” and that was it.

Now I don’t know what to do. Ive only ever felt this way about a guy only once before, but I didn’t say anything to him because I knew he wouldn’t have felt the same. We had been friends since we were kids and I knew it would have been more painful for me to be rejected than just to keep stum. Im not the kind of person who will just ‘meet’ random guys, or even guys I know at a club. I try to keep away of those situations.

Perhaps this guy was only interested in ‘meeting’, or perhaps internet me was much more attractive to him than actual me. I feel used (because this is just not my thing) and frustrated. Im young and not used to these kind of situations. Im a very sensitive person.

So how should I deal with this situation? Should I tell him how I feel? (but I don’t know about this because he literally just broke up with this girl). And if I did how should I approach it? Im really sensitive about these things and Im afraid of getting hurt and feeling and looking stupid. Hes a really nice guy, but Im afraid of him just being dismissive of me again.

Im sorry if this is a long post (and perhaps even a pointless post and issue) but I don’t know how to approach this. Help?

shebango

Well OP, you need to take charge of this yourself.

Protect yourself here - this guy, nice and all as he is, is just out of a one year relationship.

His head is bound to be all over the place with and he probably doesn't know what he wants. Nor is he in a position to think about things like that at the moment.

Don't you want to be with someone who is not rebounding? Someone who can give you their undivided attention? At this moment in time, this guy is not him.

Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn't. And I know that you've feelings for him. But if I indulged my feelings for chocolate every time, i'd be the size of a house!!

I'm not saying it's easy. But it can be easier than you think. Work hard to take your focus away from him with nights out with friends, activities you enjoy and such things like that.

You, like everyone else doesn't want to be hurt. At this moment in time, this has hurt written all over it. If, down the line, he says he likes you and you guys go out with each other - well, brilliant. But even if you did get with him now, how would it feel to you that he's not over his ex? Not very nice at all.

So - message is, go and have a bit of fun. Don't obsess over him (yes, you can control your thoughts. If someone else could control them, i'd be worried) and see how things pan. But create a bit of distance between yourself and him til he gets his head straight. And let him come back to you - or not.

Good luck.:)

LegacyUser

Thanks very much for your reply. I really appreciate it.

I understand what you're saying. I know he must be on the rebound at the moment, and I know it must not be easy for him at the moment. He definitely led me on. I know I did this to a person before (but for different reasons), and I felt so guilty afterwards for leading this person on. And true, I dont want to be with a guy who is rebounding.

I know I could go out and enjoy my time with friends, but Ive only met two people in my life that I feel this way about, and I feel I really deserve that break for once. Ive waited long enough, and Ive made myself wait for the right guy.

I know he'll be out this weekend, so do you think at the end of the night or whenever, I should just pull him aside, go for a walk or whatever, and just tell him how I feel? And then sayto him that I know this is not what he wants at the moment, but when you're ready, and if you are interested, the option is there. Or does this sound too chessy, should I just wait awhile? But if I did wait awhile he may have forgotten about me totally. Maybe by then he'll be over the rebound stage and he'll know the option is open?

Again, thanks for the reply!

shebango

No I wouldn't advise you to do this - at all.

There are many reasons why he could have led you on. If the girlfriend broke up with him, then chances are things were going sh1t before she ended it. His esteem could have been low and he was looking for an ego boost. You may have been that boost.

Lets assume that you're the ego boost for the moment. Wont you feed his ego more by telling him that you'll be around whenever he sorts his head out? Now, doesn't that come across as a bit desperate? I'm not saying you are but it could appear that way to him.

I know you said you've waited long for your 'break'. I have been there too. But believe me, the last thing you need is to be someone's emotional crutch. You'll just end back up at square one, only this time, you'll feel a million times worse for it.

If he truly likes you, he wont forget about you. You don't need to remind him that you exist.

And to be honest, he doesn't really deserve much at the moment considering the cold text and the fact that he led you on! If this is your idea of the 'perfect guy', then I think your idea of perfection is flawed.

If you don't want a guy on the rebound then don't have one. Simple as. Let him come to you if that's what he wants. But don't put yourself out there as someone who's just gonna wait around to be picked up and dropped off by him. Where is the challenge in that? If he knows you're waiting around for him, do you really think he'l be in any hurry?

I don't mean to come across harsh here at all. But really, leave him be to sort out his head. If, down the line he wants you, he'l let you know.