"Sure what else would you be doing?"

st_andalou

Hi all,

At the minute I'm unemployed. I've been going through a lot. I broke up with a long-term partner, was badly in debt, lost my job, etc. I've also been dealing with depression which is an on-going thing. I had to move home, too. I guess I'm still relatively young (24).

Anyway, something keeps happening which always seems to annoy me, and I think I'm overreacting. Because I'm unemployed at the minute and live at home, there are a few people (and it's always the same ones) who keep pointing out, in a roundabout way, how empty my life is.

The comments are always along the lines of, "Sure what else would you be doing?" (when I'm asked if I'm free to do something), or, "You can do it, you've nothing else to do". A few days ago, for example. A group of us had been helping a friend with his website. The next day there was a problem recorded at 7 a.m. One guy asked me if I had anything to do with it. Naturally I said I had better things to do than get up at 7 a.m. to mess around with a website I don't even own. This guy laughed, then really snidely said, "Oh I have to hear this one. What better things do you have to do?"

This comment (and the similar ones) always seem to sting badly. Mainly because if I had a friend who was going through a bad time, I wouldn't constantly point how empty their lives are.

Am I overreacting? Has anyone had to deal with similar comments? Any advice on how I should react in future? I mean, I'm aware I'm posting this at 3 a.m. so I know my life could be better. It's just that I really need a way in future to react. I am making an effort to improve my life, so the jibes are wearing thin.

Overheal

well, if not job hunting, what about a hobby? Theres not really much you can do against it except to act on it: that is, have something to be doing.

tbh

st_andalou wrote: »

Am I overreacting? Has anyone had to deal with similar comments? Any advice on how I should react in future? I mean, I'm aware I'm posting this at 3 a.m. so I know my life could be better. It's just that I really need a way in future to react. I am making an effort to improve my life, so the jibes are wearing thin.

I wouldn't say you are over-reacting, but you probably are reading motives for making those comments that aren't there.
I would say that if your mates knew how much the comments were getting to you, they'd be mortified.

Telling them is as easy as saying "ah lads, look, I'm finding things tough at the moment to be honest. I know you're joking, but comments like that really get to me".

If they are anyway decent mates, they won't make them anymore.

But the important thing to remember is that they aren't saying those things because they think you're a slacker, it's just banter.

Peggypeg

st_andalou wrote: »

Hi all,
this guy laughed, then really snidely said, "Oh I have to hear this one. What better things do you have to do?"

Your friend said this to you???? OP people like that are NOT your friend, friends do not drag friends down when they are already feeling low. If I were you I would forget those friends and look for other, good, people to have as friends. Join any groups that meet up with regards things you're into, like photography or walking or whatever. Also there does be meet ups from this website, have a look around. I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all OP, other than having some really useless friends.

Best of luck OP.

R.D. aka MR.D

To be honest I'm guilty of this one myself when i read your post was the first time that I ever thought they might be taken as anything other than a joke.

I recently moved back to Ireland and am unemployed as are most of friends and i would say things like that to them all the time just in a joking way that I genuinely mean to be a way of just saying 'oh god sure we used to be all so busy but now look at us!'

I would venture that your friends have no idea at all that they are annoying you.

I'll have to go now and check with my friends none of them are annoyed at me!:o

knitwit

Hi OP,

I'm in a similar situation. I'm long-term unemployed, and the guys that I live with are CONSTANTLY saying stuff like this. I get phone calls from them during the day when they're in work asking me to put their clothes on the line, or pick up stuff from the shops for them and it has started to drive me insane.
I've put up with it so far because a part of me feels like, well I don't have a whole lot going on and there's no harm in helping them etc. But I've recently decided to nip it in the bud as I have given them an inch and they are now taking a mile.
I refused to put on wash on the line for one guy yesterday and he got thick and said 'why not, sure what else would you be doin?', to which I replied, I'm sitting down watching telly, enjoying it, and I'm not your mother so put your own ****in clothes on the line.
Ok, so I may have over-reacted, but I don't give a damn! I feel like a weight's been lifted from me.
Some people think they're all important because they have a job. But I have a life, so I have plenty of things to do, such as wash my own clothes, cook, eat, clean up, exercise, sleep, relax, look for jobs, go shopping etc, so next time someone says that to me, they are goin to get it from me!
And if someone had the nerve to ask me for a favour at 7am and came out with that I'd say I'm sleeping and enjoying it, thank you very much!

tenchi-fan

Hi

Don't get too upset. The swipes are about your lack of a job rather than the "emptiness of your life"

I find myself saying it to unemployed people too! Basically, my life unfortunately revolves around work .. I'm out of my house from 7am til 7pm most days. And if I do something in the evening, it's usually cut short because I have to be home by 10pm because i don't want to be too tired for work in the morning... so it's just so easy to say "what else would you be doing" when you know someone doesn't have this daily grind.

Soon, you'll have a job, work your life away, and people will dismiss your complaints by saying "sure, you're lucky to have a job"!

shellyboo

I'm sorry, but *anyone* who says something so unbelievably cruel to a umployed person is just a nasty piece of work.

Yes, unemployed people have more time than those who are employed. That doesn't mean we're skivvies for those who have jobs, or lesser human beings to be talked down to and insulted.

I was made redundant in December and not one of my friends would ever say anything like that to me, or assume that I'm at their beck and call because I've nothing else to do. OP, I'd have to say that these people need a reality check and a major dose of compassion. If they can't understand that you're sensitive about the topic, they're not much in the way of friends.

VinnyTGM

Calling at 7 in the morning, did they apoligise for calling so early first?

If they ring again asking you to do something for them, simply say I'm busy now, goodbye. And hangup. Whether it is 5pm or 5am.

LegacyUser

OP do you have hobbies, voluntary work, DIY, long held ambitions, etc that you fill your day with?
At the moment I am unemployed but I am so busy. I do a gardening course as well as look after my own garden, I do some charity work, I've written 2 books that I am getting ready to send off to an agent. I am doing odd jobs around the house and have been busy doing some small design work for people. Not to mention running my own house and helping my elderly parents out. So my days are pretty full and I don't have a full time job.
If you sit around watching TV all day (Im not saying you are) but you will get these comments unfortunately. So do you fill your days with stuff so that your friends don't have a chance to say anything?

Although having said that people will always make some comment about not having a job. Even though I am really busy one of my relations visited me and made the 'what else would you be doing' comments. I didn't challenge her on it because she was walking out the door and I knew I wouldn't see her for another year. As if having a job is the be and end all. This was coming from a woman who works and then comes home and watches TV for the evening. She has no hobbies and eats so much she can barely walk. So some people can't really comment.

I think if people are going to say these things don't let it get to you. You should turn it around, and say 'Yeah I am a lady/man of leisure. life is tough!' And smile. Deep down your friends are a bit envious that you don't have to deal with the rat race.

conan doyle

I was just reading your message and feeling very low myself. Having read how full and rewarding your life is made me sit up and think. I am unemployed and sit around the house watching telly and looking at job sites all day long. I rarely venture out, well only to get food and the basics to keep body and soul alive. I guess I've lost mojo - however having read your message I felt full of hope for the future. Thanks for the upbeat tone of your message, it made my day.

dan_d

OP,you're touching on a subject close to my heart!!

I have a friend who's unemployed since last oct. I have on the odd occasion rung him and asked him to do something for me, maybe 4 times - I am so conscious of the fact that although he's sitting at home, I don't want it to appear that I'm using him because I think he has nothing else to do.

I myself am recently unemployed. I've had the exact same reaction to remarks like that. I'm busy. Very busy. I've been in and out of the gym, I'm cleaning the house, gardening, joined an online volunteering group, I'm looking into doing a course towards getting a further professional qualification and I'm also trying to find time to give a friend a hand with some stuff too. I play an instrument and that's keeping me ticking over aswell. I haven't switched on the TV once during the day, and somedays I actually have to force myself to sit down and job hunt (awful I know). The absolute last thing in the world I want to become is that person who does absolutely nothing all day long.

Now, having said that, it doesn't matter what you do all day long, your friend's attitudes are wrong, and you are right to call them on it. I'm sure their lives are totally fulfilling - trying to find time to eat every evening around their jobs - it's not all about work, you can't define yourself by your job. There's nothing wrong with getting annoyed about it and please don't feel bad. You are most definitely not the only one to feel like this and you are entitled to.

LegacyUser

conan doyle wrote: »

I was just reading your message and feeling very low myself. Having read how full and rewarding your life is made me sit up and think. I am unemployed and sit around the house watching telly and looking at job sites all day long. I rarely venture out, well only to get food and the basics to keep body and soul alive. I guess I've lost mojo - however having read your message I felt full of hope for the future. Thanks for the upbeat tone of your message, it made my day.

I presume that was for me, since you thanked my post.

Making your day has made my day! Thanks Conan Doyle Yeah I see the time right now as an opportunity to explore different areas in my life. This hiatus gives me the time that I wouldn't have when at work/college. I've taken up the gardening with gusto and my yard and garden is overrun with vegetables! If I was working I wouldnt have time to grow as much as I am and it's also saving a bit of money too.

A psychotherapist once told me that a balanced life should be composed of three 8 hour divisions. The first 8 hours should be someting active like work/DIY/chores/voluntary work etc, the next 8 hours is recreational like sports/hobbies/visiting friends etc and the final 8 hours are relaxation - sleep/meditation. This was valuable to me when I became unemployed. I didnt feel useless because I didnt have a job; I could do active things like gardening/DIY and feel like I accomplished something. And when you're unemployed you can't be spending ALL day long looking for work. You should spend SOME time obviously but there is more to life than your job and while income is essential, there are more facets to our lives.