Heart On Pause

LegacyUser

Long time lurker, first time OP looking for sound advice…

The title bar says it all really – I feel like I’m on pause, on hold, suspended. Feeling a bit directionless really. The last two years of my life have been incredibly tough – toxic family issues, academic struggles and an excruciating heartbreak. Par for the course, you might say, in many people’s lives. However, these knocks over the past while have left me quite battered to the extent that I feel numb within myself. Although I believe that I’ve dealt with everything quite well, I still feel that certain blocks exist and I’m not sure how to get rid of them.

The biggest issue for me now is the idea of a new relationship. My ex walked away with not a backward glance nor explanation after ending, what I believed was a loving relationship with joint plans for the future. Of all the things that I have struggled with, this is the most difficult one for me right now. Firstly, I’m not even sure that I wish to entertain the idea of a new relationship – the risk seems too great. Secondly, I really enjoy my own company and sometimes I worry that I give off the vibe of being ‘too independent’ and that this scares men off.

I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this and how they dealt with it. I’m terrified of experiencing such heartache again but don’t want to block myself off entirely…

Miss Fluff

If I knew I wasn't tucked up asleep last night when you wrote that OP, I'd swear it was me that had. I too over the last couple of years have gone through unemployment, the death of someone very close to me, redundancy, legal proceedings, serious family illness and heartbreak. Like yourself it seemed like one thing after another and the heartbreak was really the final straw, took me a few months to get myself together after it as it came out of left-field.

That is almost a year ago now, and like yourself am very independent and self-contained. I too like yourself convinced myself that getting involved with anyone ever again was totally out of the question but wouldn't it be very sad if you were to impose something like that on yourself?

You need to open up a little bit. It is ok to proceed with caution but all I am saying is, every date you have, don't think "is this guy going to break my heart to smithereens again" because you are missing out on lots of fun and maybe the opportunity to find the real thing if you close yourself off.

It is ok to be a little fragile, ok to have that invisible sticker "handle with care", but do leave yourself open too because if you don't you'll only lose out on so much and the potential to find the real thing. The guy that broke your heart did you a favour in the long-run as he's left the way open for someone who really deserves you.

LegacyUser

Thank you Miss Fluff – I really appreciate your comments. You make a lot of sense; I shouldn’t ‘opt out’ of experiences just because of fear…but I still do it anyway. Just last night I had the opportunity to go to an organised event and chose not to. I went through a period like this before, where I decided not to go out socially on a regular basis without any real reason. Now, I’m not even putting myself in a position where I might have the opportunity to meet someone. Sadly, I actually feel a degree of safety in choosing to be like this. However, it makes me feel very sad but yet I don’t have any desire to change. I feel like I have no courage at all; I’m not very good at ‘faking it’ in a social sense and I seem to be hardwired with the idea that I cannot trust people.

Perhaps an outsider looking in could think that this is a really daft situation and very easy to change by just putting myself out there and throwing myself into things. Although I can be shy, I am actually a very sociable person and enjoy the company of others. However, past negative experiences have made me feel almost crippled when it comes to trusting people (men in particular), creating new friendships, relationships etc.

I feel very stuck right now. I know this is my own doing but I don’t seem to know how to stop or to be different.

Thanks again for your comments.

Miss Fluff

Oh I've done that too. The "I vont to be alone" stance and the only person who it's hurting is you (and of course the general populous by missing out on your sparkling wit and dazzling personality!!). I'm very sociable as well OP and have done what you're doing and it will only compound what you're going through. You don't need to be out doing the Macarena five nights a week but social interaction does make you feel alive. Surround yourself with good fun friends who you can go out and have a laugh with who will give you that much needed boost that you so need right now. Feeling loved and supported will do you no end of good. And do stuff you wouldn't normally do. Go to that book launch or go to that spinning class, you never know what's around the corner. You DO have to make that effort. Sounds like you have an awful lot to give m'dear so shame wasting it night after night sitting in:)

And I think you just need to forget about men and relationships for now. Work on building back your confidence and self-esteem and the rest will follow in it's own good time....