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Still getting nasty texts off my ex of 5 years

  • 18-07-2010 9:10pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4


    I had a bad break-up 5 years ago - I was pregnant with our 3rd child when I found out he was seeing someone. Long story short - we split after the baby was born but he still sees the kids a lot.
    The issue is that I have to have contact with this man due to the kids but I find it very difficult as he sends me horrible texts on a regular basis & while I don't reply - they are really getting to me.
    To quote a recent 1: 'Born to be left on ur own Least I gave u 3 good kids u bitter bitter dumped 'thing' Get therapy for being rejected!!'
    He sends these texts whenever I disagree with him about something - e.g. when he dropped the eldest childs phone in a basin of water because she wouldn't say sorry to him, or last week I was annoyed as the younger kids didn't brush their teeth for 3 nights in a row they were with him.
    I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm looking to see if anyone has any ideas of what I can do to get these messages to stop. I can stand back & see that they are his anger being taken out on me but I can't deny that these texts are getting to me. In my job we have a bullying & harrassment policy & I just wish there was one in the real world as I would definitely put a complaint in. Any suggestions?? Thanks.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 384 ✭✭blairbear


    That's terrible, OP, especially since you have to stay in contact with him because of the kids..

    It sounds like he's a very angry person. Throwing your eldest child's phone into water was a dreadful, vindictive thing to do. I don't know how you've coped thus far with his awful behaviour.

    You can block people from texting you but they can still call you. That might help somewhat? Of course then you'd have to say to him that you weren't getting texts/there was something wrong with your phone so he'd be obliged to call you instead of texting about arrangements with the kids.

    That's a bit complicated though. You don't really have the option of just not reading them because of the three children either. Would he be responsive at all to a calm discussion about the situation and being made aware of how hurtful these texts are? You may have to approach it in a very unemotional, matter of fact manner or he'll just start spewing abuse again. In my experience, people who fire off such nasty texts when they're in a temper really have no idea of the lasting affect their words can have, such is their selfishness. I bet he barely thinks of it after it's sent.

    At least you can take comfort from the fact that he's your ex. Imagine if you were still in a relationship with him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,628 ✭✭✭SheRa


    Why dont you text him back and say that all the nasty texts have to stop, otherwise you will have to involve the guards. But, and this is the thing, you must mean it. The reason I suggest texting is so that you have a record of the contact with him.

    To be honest, while the texts sound awful, I would be far more concerned with how he is treating his children. He put his daughters phone in water (and ruined it I'd imagine) because she wouldnt say sorry??? I would very be concerned about this man's anger issues.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4 Camog2010


    Thanks BlairBear & SheRa. The calls aren't much better - he just talks over me or hangs up so I stopped talking to him on the phone. And you are so right - every day I just say to myself how lucky I am to be out of it.
    Last week I finally cracked & I did tell him that I have had 5 years of crap from him & that it had to stop. I felt like I let my guard down by doing that - as I never reply to what he sends me because I think that is what he wants - a reaction. Anyway he said he knows he knows he f'd up 5 years ago & that he can understand why I prob hate him but could we be civil for the sake of the kids. I told him the first step was to stop the text messages. His next message was to ask could I meet him for dinner with the kids. I said no right now but maybe in a month or 2. I can't even look at him when he comes to collect the children. I just freeze up & the worst part is that he has a key for the house and uses it - we didn't marry but have a house together (that has been for sale for 2 years) so I can't change the locks. I'm suppose I feel just trapped in this situation & its cracking me up & I feel selfish talking to my friends about it all the time as they have their own crap in their own lives - I'm just going around in circles. And yes I do have some concerns about his behaviour with the children but usually a sister or his mother is around so I feel more at ease. I can see the kids not wanting to go to him soon - especially the eldest one (she's 12). I think I'll just have to resign myself to the fact that I can't change his personality & its only until the kids are grown-up :(


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    He sounds like he's lashing out because he's frustrated you had the guts to tell him to sling his hook. I'm not sure how you get around the issue of his abusive texts since you have to be in contact with him and I would also be worried about anger issues if that's what he's saying to you or dropping a kids phone in water - sounds very spiteful and not at all a grown-up way of approaching the situation. Do you know anyone that could "have a word"? A big brother or cousin? His mother or sister, even? Could you let people know he's doing it? Bullies thrive on fear and secrecy and the power that gives them, so try to take the power away at every opportunity.

    Keep reminding yourself that he's just redirecting the anger and hatred from himself - he's the sad one and he's the one whose actions lost him a partner. Is there anyway of renting the house out and moving elsewhere so he can't have a key? He sounds controlling and hypocritical suggesting you keep things civil when he's the one sending the nasty texts. Would you consider going to a counsellor? I imagine living with a guy like that would leave your self esteem in tatters. :(

    Best of luck


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4 Camog2010


    Thanks IckleMagoo. You have given me some things to thing about. I never thought about renting before. I did speak to his brother a few years ago about having a word & that worked but he lives abroad now. His mum is 86 so I don't want to burden her but maybe he would listen to his bro-in-law if I talk to him. And your prob right about the counselling too. Thanks for taking the time to reply.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 407 ✭✭lynsalot


    Hi OP

    Just picking up on one thing u said, I've gone through mediation for separation from a marriage. I stayed in the marital home. My ex doesn't have keys to the house at all. It was one think I was adament about. So I think you could definitely do something about that. Are u paying a mortgage? and if so are u paying any higher than him because u live there? U should contact citizens advice for info.

    For your own security I would make sure you calmly explain u want the texts to stop. And having a record of that would be ideal. In case you need it in the future. Definitely involve the police if the situation continues....


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4 Camog2010


    lynsalot wrote: »

    Just picking up on one thing u said, I've gone through mediation for separation from a marriage. I stayed in the marital home. My ex doesn't have keys to the house at all. It was one think I was adament about. So I think you could definitely do something about that..

    I too went through mediation but because we didn't marry (we were engaged) we are seen as strangers in law so he has to have a key. I checked the status of the house situation with 3 different solicitors just to make sure.
    We actually had a year of mediation & then he pulled out of that deal the week before it was supposed to go through so I ended up going to court 18 months later.
    I know its hard to believe that I don't have any extra rights to the house as I have the children but thats the law - no protection for common law wife. You live & learn.
    Thanks anyway


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    REport the texts to you providor and to his and tell them you want it stopped,
    if he's abusing you and using the phone service to do it he is, in breach of his contract.

    Other then that you just got to keep track of it as it is abusive to use later if needs be.
    If when ye were living togheter you had of gotten a safety order it would have been covered by that but not at this stage.

    He's clearly not happy with how life has turned out, and the sooner you have a secure house over your and the kids heads the better.

    I would suggest you talk to your family law solictor about terminating his access to the house, it can be done.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,376 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    If you can, block the texts. Let him use the phone if he needs to contact you about the kids. Its very easy to get nasty on texts and email. Here's what I would do, take itor leave it.

    I would agree to going out to dinner on condition he read aloud to you at the dinner table the nasty texts he has sent you.

    I think it might be a good excersize in forcing him to be more aware that there is a real person reading them and not the monster he imagines when he sends them.

    It will also embarrass him.

    As for the house, has he ever abused his key or violated your privacy?


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,048 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips



    I would agree to going out to dinner on condition he read aloud to you at the dinner table the nasty texts he has sent you.....

    It will also embarrass him.


    And terrify the children who he also wants to be present...

    REALLY bad idea!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 734 ✭✭✭astra2000


    I have a friend who was in same situation he left her for another woman and now over 3 years later when things arent going his way she will be woken in the middle of the night to an abusive text. she ignored it as much as possible for sake of her children after asking him to stop and he would not she showed the texts to his close family members who were shocked couldnt believe he would do that. Tell your ex that you will farward anymore texts to his family friends or even work colleagues if he does not stop. Speak to citizens advice about weather you can change locks it doesnt make sense that he can walk in and out of your home when he is not living there.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    astra2000 wrote: »
    Speak to citizens advice about weather you can change locks it doesnt make sense that he can walk in and out of your home when he is not living there.

    If his name is on the deeds to the house then he has the right to access the property at any time, unless there is an agreement in place where she is renting his half from him and he becomes a landlord and has to give ntoice to enter the property.

    IF she changes the locks with his name on the deeds he can break into his own property.

    She needs to have his right of access to the house terminated by the courts.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    It sounds to me like you need a solicitor, to formalise the arrangement in the break up.

    This can be costly, but what price for peace of mind?`

    Such an arrangement usually works, I am led to believe anyway, in terms of ensuring that contact can only be done at specific times, as can seeing the children.

    At all other times you are essentially under a “restraining order”.

    I can not imagine any solicitor will have trouble with this given the wealth of text message evidence you have. What you are under going is nothing short of intense, systematic and vindictive emotional and psychological bullying. Such a campaign can be even more horrific than a physical assault at times.

    In fact in my opinion you have ground to have a full separation and restraining order, so that he never sees the kids. His behaviour would be seen by the courts to be detrimental to the health and future of the kids.

    However it is up to you whether you would want to go all out like that, or just move to improve your situation with my first suggestion.

    However I am suggesting all this based on hearsay and things I have been told by others. The actual law I am not sure of and the only part of my advice you should really take on board is to talk to a legal rep. about everything you said here and listen to his or her reply.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 86,729 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    Thaedydal wrote: »

    She needs to have his right of access to the house terminated by the courts.
    which if a record of harassment can be established, sounds like a done deal.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Change your number OP, and get yourself a landline that he can't text.

    He can still contact you via the landline if he needs to speak to the kids - nobody NEEDS a mobile (what did we all do years ago??).

    I find that men who send these abusive texts are actually bullies and cowards. It's so easy to write something horrific to someone in a text message, and just press the 'send' button. So easy.
    I bet he won't get the same kick out of ringing you if you have a landline.....
    Just an idea :-)


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