Scared about life

LegacyUser

Where to start... I'm 24. I've done my travelling etc and am working in a job I enjoy for a very big company on an 11-month contract.
The first thing is, my plan in life is to have a permanent job, somewhere nice to live, and a husband. I am terrified this won't happen.
First off, the husband. I am OK at attracting guys- but I can't keep them. I am quite highly strung and I get so upset over the smallest rows that I never last long with anyone. Plus, I am the type who falls in love quickly and will do anything for the person I love and unfortunately this seems to lead to me being seen as too available and eager to please etc.
But there is nothing that makes me happier than being with someone I love. Having someone to take care of, to hold at night, all that stuff. But I'm just so scared it won't happen for me.
I have always been a bit of a loner and eccentric but at the same time I get desperately lonely.

Then there is another issue. My parents want to gift me a deposit for a house. Sounds great!
But my job is not permanent and I have heard so many horror stories in the recession about people losing their jobs and being snowed under in mortgages. Now I would only be looking at something around the 150 - 200k mark but even still. I earn 28k at the moment, so if I bought a 200k house and mortgaged over 30 years, it wouldn't be all that expensive. Cheaper than renting an apartment in the city centre anyway. There's also the location aspect, I could buy in Blanchardstown and end up getting a permanent job in Sandyford- that's one hell of a commute. My parents say that I should buy while prices are so cheap and then sell when the prices go up again, but to be honest I don't even know if I want to live in Ireland!
Having said all that, if I knew financially that I could afford it (and if I could get approved for a mortgage), I would be very happy to have my own home.

What I would like to know is, am I trying too hard to plan everything? Should I just throw caution to the wind a little bit more and relax?

ElaElaElano

Yes, I think you are trying too hard to plan everything.

On the marriage front, you're leading yourself down a dangerous path- if you throw your expectations out the window and put all your heart into settling down with anyone who's willing to do the same, it's fine temporarily. You'll be on cloud nine. And then after two or three, or maybe five years, you'll come to a realisation that you've rushed unnecessarily into it. You're 24, that's really young. You're not under any obligation to settle down, and you should ask yourself, are you focused on being so because you genuinely want it, or because you see it as the acceptable thing to do?

Bide your time. When the right person comes around, and they will- maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this year, but they will- and you're absolutely 100% sure this is the person you want, then you can start to think about settling down, marrying etc. and feel confident in yourself that it can and will last. If you're terrified of it not happening, it never will because you'll rush into, and settle into mediocrity. Don't do that to yourself!

As for the house, again, cut out all the middle men and factors, and just ask yourself, out straight, yes or no- "Do I want to commit to buying a house here now?" If you're not sure, that's a glorified no. I wouldn't advise committing to something like buying a house with even 70% certainty that it's what you want.

Just take your time in making decisions- waiting a few years until the circumstances are perfect might be irritating- but it's a hell of a lot easier than running into a load of commitments that you're not sure about and then trying to escape from them.

Good luck op.

whirlpool

You seem to possess quite a high level of self-awareness and that is a very positive thing, so kudos on that. I think that trait will stand you in good stead.

Everyone is different, so comparing yourself to other people is rather pointless. But it is often helpful to know you're not alone. My point is, I'm also 24 - I don't plan on buying a house until my early 30s. I barely plan on even thinking about it before then. As for settling down, there is somebody for everyone - this isn't some new age bullsh1t, it's practically fact. Unless you're some sort of troll or ogre, there is someone out there for you who you will find yourself in love with and vice versa. And me personally, I don't want to even think about settling down with a partner until I'm at least into my 30s. In fact, I can't think of anything worse than settling down before then.

As I said, your level of self-awareness appears to be impressively high. Write down the aspects of your personality that you feel bring negativity into your life, and investigate techniques to turn them around.

For example, you suggest that you are too highly-strung when it comes to arguing with people - there are various relaxation techniques you can learn very easily and quickly which will allow you to entirely change how you cope and deal with arguments as they happen.

Also, you say your perceived level of neediness jeopardises your relationships. There are ways to reduce your presence and over-involvement in a relationship, resulting in a more healthy and sturdy relationship. You just need to seek out appropriate advice-givers, such as therapists, counsellors, etc.

My advice to you is this: Stop giving yourself such a hard time. Stop putting pressure on yourself. You are 24. There are people in their 50s who don't put as much pressure on themselves as you.

If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, and you were left on your deathbed, do you want to look back on your life and think "Jesus, I spent the whole time stressing and worrying. I wasted my precious time with needless thoughts. And now I can't go back and do it all over again." Wouldn't you prefer to look back on your life and think "I had fun. I enjoyed every day and every moment as much as I could. I'm satisfied that I lived my life to the full, and didn't let life's little worries ruin my existence." I think it's really important to ask yourself this question. The answer can be extremely healing and life-altering.

Take care and good luck.

up for anything

Why not do some life coaching? It may help you to think about your future with someone else as a sounding board.

Fox McCloud

Try to forget the life list, you wont be magically happy if you get the husband and house and job combo. You'll be happy if you focus on being happy and having fun and enjoying your life! Its way to early to buy a house, your on a 1 year contract 30 thousand a year job, you have no idea where you will be working next year and thats the fantastic thing about being young!

I think the generation before us were a tad too obsessed with owning a house, while its lovely that your parents want to help you get on the ladder I would give it few more years to see where your career takes you. Ignore the rent money is dead money brigade, time is what matters not money. If you have a great time in your twenties it will mean so much more to you on your deathbed than a house that you have to figure out how to will fairly to your squabbling family members. As for the husband thing, try focus on wanting to spend your life with lovely people, who may come and go.