Can different sex-drives work in a relationship?

LegacyUser

I've seen threads on here from guys saying they don't get enough sex from their gfs and from girls saying their bf's are hassling them for sex all the time but my problem is the reverse! I'm a girl living with my OH. Everything's great and we love each other very much, i am in no doubt of his love for me coz he shows me in other ways all the time. But I like sex. I like kisses. I like passion. Like my user-name suggests I am not a nympho! Just a normal healthy red-blooded female. But my OH is way behind me sex-drive wise and while I've tried to get over it and we've discussed it at length in the past, it's now really starting to get me down.
I only get kissed (properly-more than a peck) when we make love and that's only about once a week,sometimes once a fortnight for about 15 mins. I've tried initiating things, even saying things like "when we get home, you're going to get so lucky!" when we're out for a night but generally he's like "nah,you're alright thanks." Presumably he doesn't see it as getting all that lucky.
We've had a million talks/arguments about this and he swears he still fancies me as much as ever and does enjoy having sex with me but just doesn't have that high a sex-drive. After I get upset he might be more tactile and affectionate the following day or two but then it slips back again and I find myself growing resentful and my self-esteem is also naturally suffering.
Like i said I know he loves me to bits as I do him so breaking up isn't an option. But having said that I don't know what to do anymore. Where my sex-drive might be a seven out of ten, his is a two or three and I or he can't magically change that.
I just want some passion. I ideally would like to be kissed passionately every day and have sex three times a week wheras he's satisfied with three times a month.
Can a couple really get past differing sex-drives and be happy? Any advice welcomed.

LegacyUser

once every fortnight isn't a low sex-drive. its a non-existent one.
are you the one that initiates it when it does happen?
does he ever initiate it?

just a thought - is he on any medication at the moment?
that can sometimes cause a drop in sex drive.

Faith

My ex and I were similar. I had a much, much higher sex drive than him. It was an issue between us, and we also talked/argued about it at length. I tried to squash my desire so I wouldn't end up pestering him all the time.

We broke up for different reasons, but with hindsight, we'd have broken up over that eventually. If it's a source of tension between the two of you, it's never likely to go away I'm afraid. As I'm quickly finding out, there's guys out there with sex drives to match mine, who satisfy me better simply because they can keep up.

Basically, no, not in my experience.

LegacyUser

bunkershot wrote: »

once every fortnight isn't a low sex-drive. its a non-existent one.
are you the one that initiates it when it does happen?
does he ever initiate it?

just a thought - is he on any medication at the moment?
that can sometimes cause a drop in sex drive.

Yes he does initiate it and does enjoy it too. It's just not as often as I would like or expect.

Sometimes if I initiate it it does happen. Then other times he's too tired/too full/too drunk/not in the mood. I do feel as if I'm pestering him and I don't want to do that coz he can't help it if he has a lower sex-drive than me and I keep imagining if it was the other way around and he was constantly hassling me for sex, I'd find it very annoying and intimidating. So I don't want to do that to him. But I'm finding myself DIYing it so to speak on a nightly basis these days and I don't think that's right for a young couple.

I think the lower his libido is getting, the higher mine is becoming! Maybe it's the psychological thing of when you know you can't have something you want it all the more but ever since we've been doing it less I've never wanted it more often! I really don't know how to resolve the situation coz neither mine nor his sex-drive is going to suddenly change. But I'm not going to leave him either coz I love him and apart from this we are happy. I'm totally at a loss.

By the way he's not on any medication but he has had a heavy workload recently but that has ended now.

Cheap Thrills!

I have to be honest. Nope, a significant mis-match is usually a dealbreaker sooner or later.

LegacyUser

I agree sex plays a very important part in a good relationship.....I had similar issues in a past relationship.

My advice would be to find out his fantacies......You would be amazed how much more he will enjoy it...if he gets it the way he wants it

dory

I'd have to agree. You say everything is fine other than this but your self-esteem has taken a hit, you seem to resent him a bit, there's tension.....together that's more than just bedroom issues.
Maybe you'll find a way to work through it but in my experience it's a hard hill to ge over.

LegacyUser

My girlfriends sex drive (she's 21, i'm 27) has been waning (and now totally disappeared) since last november. We have discussed it and we don't know why as she used to have a pretty "normal" one. This has been going on for about 8 months with the frequency between each sexual encounter slowly getting longer (currently at 5 weeks and counting..)

I know she loves me and I love her deeply. She's really worried that I will leave her over it but while it's something that bothers me a bit I can't see my life without her.

Basically only you can figure out whether this is something you can or cannot do "without". I would class myself as having a fairly high sex drive, ideally i'd like it once a day or so. That said I have found my drive has lessening somewhat in the last 8 months. I've learned to cope. I'm not saying it was easy and my self esteem did take a hit initially but I realise it's nothing to do with me and just something with her. I'm not saying that you should learn to cope or that it's the right thing for you, just saying that it is possible for some people if they are willing to make the sacrafice.

Ickle Magoo

I think an uneven match of sex-drives is pretty much a relationship-killer. It can be a long, slow, painful death but one party constantly feeling rejected by the other will damage the relationship and cause resentment if left for any significant length of time.