Must you be totally compatible with your partner?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I'll try keeo it short.

I've moved to the US to work for a while on a Visa.
I've met a lovely girl here and have been going out with her for some time. I have a slight dilemma though.

I think she's great, she's a really naturally beautiful girl, gorgeous face, body to die for, so nice, kind, friendly, always smiley and happy, very smart, works hard. She's got so much going for her she's great! I love having her as my girlfriend.

On the other hand I've a few things making me wonder if we are right for each other. She's very quiet and reserved and studious. She doesn't like going out much or anything. I'm probably the opposite, I'm not wild but my favourite thing at the end of a long week is to get out of my work clothes, get dressed up and go out for a nice meal or drinks or whatever. She prefers to just come home and go to sleep. She's will come out sometimes with me but she's commented that she doesnt really like going out so much and doesn't like getting dressed up as thats only for slutty girls. I certainly don't want her to be slutty but I'd love her to enjoy doing things with me more.

I try to do things she likes but they are all very quiet and boring, I went to meet her friends last week instread of going out with my own thinking I'd be a good thing to do to met more of her friends but it was a friday night, we saw a movie at 7.30 and when it was over everyone went off home to get to bed. It's nice good clean fun but its just not my ideal friday night, yeah, we are all tired but I'm used to being at home and the weekend meant you could let loose, ahve a few drinks, even a cinema trip with your girlfriend was probably a later show and make a nice night of it. It's just that here its all t-shirt and shorts and early nights, to me thats a week night.

I'm just wondering, see, she's lovely and very beautiful and I'm mad about her but if we aren't compatible in that way am I going down the wrong road? Should we be more compatible?

My other concern is eventually it'll come to my visa ending and it'll mean a decision to renew or return home. its not for a while but I'm thinking, as much as I like her, will I still have doubts and make the decision very hard, I know, the grass always seems greener and I should be happy with having a lovely girlfriend, I think we just do different things alot and it makes me unsure.

Curry Addict

shes from another continent. the cultural differrence is huge. they are trained not to socialise in pubs there, with legal drinking age of 21. it is just one of many many cultural differences.
if u want to know if ye are suited u should move in together and you find out quick enough.
in my experience its critical that both of you are prepared to live in either country long term.

D-Generate

Curry Addict wrote: »

shes from another continent. the cultural differrence is huge. they are trained not to socialise in pubs there, with legal drinking age of 21. it is just one of many many cultural differences.
if u want to know if ye are suited u should move in together and you find out quick enough.
in my experience its critical that both of you are prepared to live in either country long term.

Eh not that huge a difference that the idea of heading out to a bar is non-existant. The Americans I know and hang around with when I visit there have no problems staying out until the early hours and I have encountered the same proportion of teetotalers there as I have done in Ireland or England.

I could take my gf not wanting to go out every Friday night as long as she would every now and then or at the very least not condemn my going out with my own friends. What else do you do over the weekend? Is it simply come home from work on the Friday and stay at home all weekend or do you get up to other activities or hobbies?

Miss Fluff

You don't have to be completely "compatible" with your partner no. You do however have to compromise. If you are willing to spend time having snooze-fest weekends with her and being in bed early on a Friday night, then she should also invest some time into spending weekends how you would like to also. That's only fair.

You only will run into difficulties if you find yourself spending all your time together as she chooses rather than both of you compromising and indulging the other's interests and preferences.

While it's good not to be a clone of your partner and resist in the wearing of matching leisure wear and retain your sense of "self" it is nice to do things for your partner that will make them happy. Like I say though, there simply has to be give and take.

metrovelvet

Maybe she can't afford going out?

Ickle Magoo

It depends what you are looking for really. If you only want a reasonably short term relationship then try to find a middle ground and accept that your time with your girlfriend and with your friends are going to be complete opposites. If you are looking longer term then yes, I think you do have to be compatible - not necessarily the same but you have to be prepared to happily accept your differences and at the moment you seem to be looking beyond the niceness and aesthetics and looking for a deeper connection and more in common....

yermandan

Have you spoken to her about this? What was her reaction?

Trier

D-Generate wrote: »

What else do you do over the weekend? Is it simply come home from work on the Friday and stay at home all weekend or do you get up to other activities or hobbies?

Anything outdoorsy or sporty (even if she doesn't like sports much maybe take her on a small boat on a lake, to do pedalo, to go birdwatching, camping to catch a fantastic sunset, to do a bit of horse riding, easy mini-golf or something like that...)? Gardening? Painting? Fishing? Cultural? Concerts? Museums (some are great...)? Festivals? Strolls to find nice secret places or funny buildings/great scenery? Picnics? Barbecues/Climbing/bouldering? Sailing/windsurfing/skiing/bodyboarding/skating/bowling/cooking together/throwing parties at home/treasure hunts/taking pictures/helping out associations/ngos whatever/going on short trips/going to attraction parks/do silly things/have pyjama parties/sleepover/go to lazer quest/paintball/karting/go swimming/building something/karaoke/having fun dinners with friends or friends-to-be, go dance or to dance class together if you can't dance. Discover as much of the city/town, region, state you are in as you could, even for you, that's what i would be doing if i were you... Suprise her with an impromptu weekend away? What is it with Irish guys and only liking to "go on the rip" and nothing else? (kidding but my bf is kind of the same, even if he loves the outdoors and being spontaneous or so he did...).

Even things that i wouldn't like to do very regularly i love them and have a marvellous fun time experiencing them 1) when in good company 2) when it's a one-off or once in a while. Why are people so blasé nowadays? I feel frustrated by all i can't do between all that's on offer, rarely bored by lack of activities... Problem is it's true if you want to do them with her it's another matter compromising on things that you would both like. Also if money is a problem, many of those things can be free or on a shoestring.

This girl must have some hobbies/passions/interests at least...?...Any that you like/would love to discover/would like too?

OS119

no, you don't need to have the same interests/lifestyles, but you need to be compatible in terms of your freedoms to, and freedoms from...

so, if she doesn't like going out and would rather stay home, that's fine, as long as both she's happy for you to go out, doesn't badger you to stay in, but equally doesn't have to put up with you continually urging her to come out with you. likewise, if you're a veggie, and she isn't, she needs to have the freedom to continue eating meat in your presence, and to be free from your whinging about the meat trade. if either can't live like that, then you aren't compatible.

the compromise isn't 'we'll do your stuff one weekend and my stuff the other', but 'if i do a reasonable amount of my stuff, and you do a reasonable amount of your stuff, is their enough room left for us to have whatever relationship-type we jointly want?'

tbh though OP, it sounds like the undercurrent to this is 'she's got great t!ts and goes's like stink, but she's dull as dishwater...'.