Stood up by a mate!!

doireann08

Hey do you think this is weird?

Arranged to meet a friend of mine today in town in the afternoon at 3 Anyway there I was waiting, Tried to ring my mate S ( she had her phone switched off so couldnt leave a message or anything)

Anyway when I eventually get hold of S, she mentions that she has just woken up and can I give her an hr or two to meet?. Thats fine, so I am in town, no word after an hour and a half, I try to ring S again, but phone is switched off.

So I decide to go home and I haven't heard from S at all!!! A total no show. Strange isn't it. I have known her for over 3 years and we have become good friends. I can understand someone going out having a heavy night and waking up late as a one off.

But isn't it strange that I haven't heard a thing from her and its past 8.

LegacyUser

Give her the benefit of the doubt for now. Once you speak to her again, asked her what happened and go from there

Cheap Thrills!

Maybe she got lucky ?

Would that explain it?

doireann08

yes that could explain it!!!, but she could have sent a text or something!! We mad the arrangements to meet on friday night to meet today...

well will be interested to hear what the explanation is:)

VinnyTGM

She doesn't give two sh1ts about you if she is going to treat you like that, make no effort to contact her, and if she rings/texts, let her do so a couple of times before you respond, show her you feel exactly the same way towards her.

LighterGuy

doireann08,
dont bother looking for an explaination. You're mate clearly didnt want to meet you. Rather than just let you know there and then on the first phone call. she didnt. then switched off her phone to avoid just plain telling you. says it all. Shes no mate.


If you push for an explaination all you will get is a BS excuse and a fake sorry.
Reason why she didnt meet you today is because it didnt "suit her" ... shes no friend.

astra2000

if this is a one off give her a second chance who knows what could be going on in her life could literally be anything maybe something really private and cant tell anyone. I would be fed up too but if its out of caracter there must be a good excuse let her contact you though and if she does it again best not to rely on her in future.

Cheap Thrills!

doireann08 wrote: »

yes that could explain it!!!, but she could have sent a text or something!! We mad the arrangements to meet on friday night to meet today...

well will be interested to hear what the explanation is:)

Yep, she definitely should have let you know not to hang around, that was out of order.

BUT, listen to the explanation and then decide. If someone in her family was ill in hospital etc well then it could be forgiven.

But if it was just plain bad manners then say something.

doireann08

astra2000 wrote: »

if this is a one off give her a second chance who knows what could be going on in her life could literally be anything maybe something really private and cant tell anyone. I would be fed up too but if its out of caracter there must be a good excuse let her contact you though and if she does it again best not to rely on her in future.

Hi Astra,

Yes it is a one off, but an still pretty annoyed that she hasn't made any effort to contact me and it's nearly 9. Will she what she says but a few of us are going to a festival next weekend, myself and another mate got S her ticket ( so she owes me some money for that) plus she has some of my things ( reason we were meeting today)

Yeah pretty hurt by it as I thought we were good friends.

astra2000

mmm she owes you money? might be that .it is hurtful try not to dwell and I would stop expecting a call tonight. wait and see what happens next weekend. sometimes there is no explaining someones behaviour and even though you wouldnt be so thoughtless doesnt mesn others wont hopefuly there is a reason especially when this isnt her norm behaviour. im sorry your feeling hurt its not a nice situatio to be in.

doireann08

possibly, well i wasn't meeting her to ask for money for a ticket, she has some of my clothes from another weekend away so I texted her asking if she was around on sat.

I have an awful feeling it could be something else... i told a mutual friend of hours that i kissed a guy last friday. S used to have feelings for him ( this happened about 3 years ago) nothing came of it , however this could be the reason she didn't show

Nothing is happening between me and the guy. I know him for years, we are friends but we were both hammered.....Maybe S is annoyed that I kissed him? I don't know for sure if she knows at all or even if our mutual friend said anything???

HavingCrack

If this is a once off thing i wouldn't read too much into it. I'll admit its seriously bad form to leave you standing in town on your own for 2 hours without a call or text to say she can't make it but you don't know what was going on with her, could be a family issue etc. But if this isn't the first time and she's making a habit of it she isn't a proper friend and say something to her.

Miss Fluff

I'd agree. If it's a one-off then am sure there is a reasonable enough explanation, don't go jumping to conclusions just yet. See what she has to say.

Nulty

Like everyone else said, wait to find out what the explanation is.

I'd be pretty pissed off too

doireann08

hi everyone

quick update. haven't heard at all from her. Was talking to a mutual friend about it and we both think that she is going through a difficult time and is actually depressed.

We both noticed her withdrawing more and more in to herself over the last few weeks. She was recently made redudant a few weeks ago, so I am thinking of giving her space and wait for her to contact me. All of us think she is acting out of charachter but she won't really open up to us at all.

oohlala

If she's going through a hard time, ithdrawing from her is the worst thing you could do. When people are in tough situations they need to know that the people closest to them will stand by them. I understand whata she did was unfair but if you genuinely think she is depressed you should be letting her know more than ever that you're there for her.

You said in a previous post you thought you were good friends, she might think that too, so what would you do if you went through a bad patch and your close friends stop calling you? Probably you would just feel worse.

Good luck with it

doireann08

Thanks for all your replies

Well I hadn't heard from my mate S at all. A few of us went to a festival the weekend just gone.
We have a mutual friend M and a few of us were going the festival. Neither of us knew if S was coming or not, but she ended up ringing M and confirmed she was coming with us

I heard from S on Saturday asking is she could share my tent. I took all your advise on board and decided to wait to hear what she had to say. So I said there was no problem with her sharing my tent with another friend

Anyway as Saturday progressed, it became clear that either
a) S knew she was in the wrong and she wasn't up to mentioning the no show or
b) didn't really give a s*it

So I thought I can't really pretend as if nothing happened. Our mutual friend M plus my friend C who has met S several times, both agree that S is not herself and is depressed.

So anyway I was gone talking to some other friends and M mentioned to S, I think you should have a work with Doireann, she is pretty hurt that you didn't show up when you had made an arrangement.

When I came back S pulled me aside and said, Look I know I was in the wrong and I am sorry I didn't show up.

I was out the night before and I was too hungover to move. I said to her, I was more worried that you were ok, as it is so out of charachter not to show up or text to let me know. She said that she wasn't up to meeting at all. I said ok, but I would rather be told that she is not up to meeting etc. I also mentioned that I became even more worried as I hadn't heard from her for a week after her no show

So the rest of the weekend was fine, back to normal. However it is clear that S is not OK. She is withdrawing into herself and I am not sure what to do next????

Do I give her space and wait for her to contact me or what??

Dude111

VinnyTGM wrote:

She doesn't give two sh1ts about you if she is going to treat you like that, make no effort to contact her, and if she rings/texts, let her do so a couple of times before you respond, show her you feel exactly the same way towards her.

Ya she isnt being very nice

I hope things get better with her!!

God bless you my friend!

LegacyUser

give her a reasonable amount of space. don't ignore her but don't call her non stop you know?

If she's in a bad place and she doesn't hear from anyone for a while this could hurt her more. She may ask "why has nobody called?"

Maybe give her a day then txt her asking what's she been up to, or if shes up for doing somethin soon. Tell her that you want to see her.

chuckles30

My tuppence worth.......don't bombard her, but drop her a text and let her know that you're there for her. Maybe suggest meeting for lunch or coffee or something casual.
I have been pretty stressed recently, but if someone had actually suggested meeting up, I would have made the effort to get out. Unfortunately I'm normally the one to suggest meeting up, so I've been out of the loop for a while. It can be hard to find the motivation when you're feeling stressed.

boarduser1980

doireann08 wrote: »

I was out the night before and I was too hungover to move. She said that she wasn't up to meeting at all. I said ok, but I would rather be told that she is not up to meeting etc.

doesnt take 10 seconds to text someone 'Im sorry cant make today' rather than leaving you in town for 2 hrs, bang out of order. i'd be fuming.

LegacyUser

Doireann, assuming that your friend is actually suffering from depression, I know exactly how you feel. One of my closest friends who's one of my favourite people in the entire world has suffered from depression for years and I've been in very similar situations with her.

The most important thing to remember firstly is that her behaviour is not about you. It's not personal. I have long since accepted that I cannot understand where she goes (in her head) when these situations arise and I don't expect rational or "polite" behaviour.

There will be more of this, I'm fairly sure, will you be able for it?

My friend is the best company you could have 90% of the time, but sometimes she goes to "the dark side" as we call it ("withdrawing into herself") and all you can do is keep in touch and be there when she comes back. She's totally worth it.

With my friend it's an e-mail, text, whatever but I have to tell you we're both open about her depression and there's a lot said with a few words. Can you talk to her about this? Would you consider encouraging her to contact a doctor?

You can give someone space and keep the door open at the same time but I say again, don't take this personally, it actually has nothing to do with you.

You seem like a nice, caring, balanced person and I'll wager your friend is lucky to have you. If you feel lucky to have her and can cope with these episodes (for want of a better word) then you two will be fine.

doireann08

Hey Just wanted to give you an update and ask for your advice ( again!!)

So I haven't been in touch with S at all as it is clear friendship is over

A few months ago M ( our mutual friend) had arranged with S and another friend L to go to a festival abroad. M asked me and a few other people to go too. Anyway S essentially told M that she didn't want anyone else to go ( only M and other friend L to go. M felt really bad as she was put in such a horrible position.

S was insistent that she didn't want anyone else to go with them. M told me what S had said and M couldn't understand why S was being so unreasonable. M apologised profusely to me and was annoyed with S for putting her in this situation - no one except S had an issue. M also told S " Look I had to be honest with doireann, I had to tell her that you didn't want anyone else to go - "

Anyway as far as I am concerned I have zero interest in having anything to do with S. But here is where I need your advise

S and I have another mutual friend B ( I met B through S - know B for about 3 years. S and B grew up together) B and I have always got in like a house on fire.

B is getting married in a few months and has invited me to the wedding. I am not seeing anyone, so there isn't a +1 I can bring. I won't know anyone at the wedding apart from B and S and I don't know what to do...... S will know everyone there as most of the people invited know eachother and grew up together
One the one hand I want to go because I do really like B.
On the other hand .... its is going to be really awkward as if I go, I haven't seen S since 1.5 years.. I don't really want to go on my own. What do you think I should do??

dellas1979

If you really dont want to go on your own, can you not bring another friend as your +1?

ziedth

^ this. It's very harsh to invite someone who won't know anybody else there without a +1. I say text B and explain the situation (you don't have to mention S) that you won't know anyone else there.

Daisy M

Sorry for been stupid, do you mean you havent been issued a plus 1 invite or there is no one you can bring?

I would not text B as texts can so easily be misinterpreted I would ring if you hadnt been given a plus1 explain that you wont know anyone there and that things are frosty between you and S. If you have been given a plus1 surely someone of your family or friends will go with you?

kylith

Daisy M wrote: »

Sorry for been stupid, do you mean you havent been issued a plus 1 invite or there is no one you can bring?

I would not text B as texts can so easily be misinterpreted I would ring if you hadnt been given a plus1 explain that you wont know anyone there and that things are frosty between you and S. If you have been given a plus1 surely someone of your family or friends will go with you?

+1, Bring a cousin or sibling, toast you friend, have dinner and show Sthat you're not sitting at home broding without her. Be polite if you see her, but don't seek her out.

qwertytlk

Ok what she did was out of order., but on the other hand anyone who has ever suffered from dperession knows how difficult simple tasks can become, such as even texting a friend to say your not meetin up. In my experience the reason for this is because you feel so down and crap that the littlest most simple task such as sendind the afermentioned text becomes overwhelming as you would be thinking the would then want to know why, and whats going on etc. While thats understandble, that you would want to know why and whats going on, for the person who is dperessed it can be easier to just pull the duvet back over your head and not deal with it.

As you said its an isolated incident and you have noticed behaviour changes in your friend so for her sake try and forget what she did, this time, and maybe call over to her with a bottle of wine or a pizza and try and have a chat with her about how she is feeling,or whats going on with her as you have noticed shes not herself. Try get her to open up to you.
Sometimes when your depressed you feel like noone gives a **** aout you or your feelings, how ever some thinking and seeng things rationally knows thats not true. So presuming she is depressed, try and see it from her point of view too and remember that she probably isnt thinking rationally about alot of things and that her judgement will be somehwat imapired due to the proverbial 'black cloud' of depression hanging over her.
Again, what she did wasnt on but if shes depressed she may have been having a paticularly bad day that day but didnt know how to explain it(as from what youv said she seems to be trying to hide her feelings from her friends) so just decided to ignore it instead as it seemed the easier option.
So give her a chance and try also show her your there for her when/if she wants to talk or needs helps or support with anything as i doubt she wil ask for it.
Hope this has helped and i hope your friend is feeling better soon.

up for anything

I'm just wondering did you ever get your clothes and money back?

Sometimes when people can't repay money or something has happened to stuff that they've borrowed they prefer to cut off all contact with the person who they owe/borrowed the things from rather than be faced with the 'shame' of telling the person.

It sounds to me like the depression was an excuse and your mutual friend is a bit of a drip for enabling her. It's obvious that the depression (real or imagined) was a excuse - after all she is still in contact with other friends and even going away on trips... why should she be too depressed to contact you and only you.

doireann08

up for anything wrote: »

I'm just wondering did you ever get your clothes and money back?

Sometimes when people can't repay money or something has happened to stuff that they've borrowed they prefer to cut off all contact with the person who they owe/borrowed the things from rather than be faced with the 'shame' of telling the person.

It sounds to me like the depression was an excuse and your mutual friend is a bit of a drip for enabling her. It's obvious that the depression (real or imagined) was a excuse - after all she is still in contact with other friends and even going away on trips... why should she be too depressed to contact you and only you.

You have hit the nail on the head. I did get the money back on the night ( she didn't owe very much - about 50E or so, but I never got my top or makeup back:rolleyes: - I don't think the clothes or makeup have anything to do with it though

I do believe S was going through a tough time - however she shut me out ( she was still able to meet M and other friends a few weeks later) I thought we were good friends however it is clear that S obviously didn't value the friendship the way I did - she just saw me an someone she used to work with. Thats fine - but I am anxious about running into her at this wedding. She will know everyone there and I only know her and the bride.

Is it worth the hassle of going?/ In a real conundrum