Is It Emotional Cheating ??

alpha2010

I posted this yesterday but I put a stupid thread name for it by mistake so I knew no one would reply so Ill try again.

okay where do I start, been with my bf 2 years and things haven't always been so good until the last few months, were both 19 and we always said we would be together forever as you do, and I believed it until recently, I have start liking a guy and he said he likes me too but I don't know what to do. My bf is amazing and I can't break up with me because tbh this guy isn't from Ireland so I will never get with him but its the idea that I'm liking someone else thats worrying me

maybe its a crush but I'm getting the knot in my stomach whenever we talk and I miss that feeling. I have told my bf that I like this guy and he believes nothing will come from it

he actually doesn't seem bothered and that worries me he said nothing will come of it because this guy lives in London but shouldn't he care that I'm liking someone else even if nothing will ever come of it. I have been on here many times about how crap my relationship has been but for once its actually going good but maybe its because my bf now gets his time alone because im online chatting to this guy, we didn't meet on an internet dating site and were not looking for anyone we just came across one another because I play ps3 with him, I know its seems sad but my bf funny enough got me into playing the ps3 and I met this guy while playing online and we had a laugh and then we start chatting on msn. I only play at night but me and this guy would chat on the mic and play ps3 for about 4 hours maybe more and then we talk on msn for another 4 hours every night. im spending more time with this guy than my bf

my bf has been really busy lately putting in 50 hours a week so he can pay for college and i feel guilty because im chatting to this guy. Your prob gonna say stop talking to him but I cant

I dont know what advice I'm looking for here but Im at my wits end. Im on my holidays from college and the crap irish weather keeps me in most nights and my bf does be working so i like playing online. at first the guy talked to me mainly because i was a girl and girls dont ever play ps3 but then we really start getting to know one another

I'm currently staying in my bfs house and hoping to move out for college in September...

Anyways please someone just give me some advice

if you need me to answer more questions ill be around because I cant sleep over this

dreamer_ire

I haven't read your other posts but it surprises me when you say your relationship is going well and that part of the reason is that you spend 8 hours a day with another guy who you seem to have feelings for. It might be harsh but it sounds a bit like you have disengaged from your relationship and just haven't physically left yet.

shebango

As far as I recall, a lot of people did post on your previous thread.. You got good advice there so i'm not sure why you're posting again.

LighterGuy

is it emotional cheating?
... well, you are talking to this man alot. you state you like him. even tho you have a bf. But you even post a thread asking if it is. So yeah I'd say its emotional cheating.



OP, things like this usually end bad. When a partner (with-in a relationship) starts to talk to someone they fancy ... it usually progresses. Especially when the other party fancies them back.
People have the tendancy to even lie to themselves at the start. Aka, "We're only chatting, no harm" ... that leads to a phone number. Leads to phone calls. You can see where this is going. People have even told themself "only meeting up as friends nothing more"


Fact is, you are on a dangerous road. You say you met him online while on the Playstation Network. Chatting to someone online with-in a relationship then you start to fancy him, spells the end in my book.

Not to be so harsh ... I see you cheating on your BF in the future. Maybe not with this guy, but someone else. If I was your bf... I'd see this as clear "alarm bells" for future events. Personally your bf must be blind if he doesnt mind it.

As for you, if you feel guilty about this. Stop. Simple as. If you continue you are more likely to do more when it comes to someone else you'll meet... who'll be living over here!

miec

Hi Op

The relationship you have with your boyfriend sounds like it is over but you haven't done anything yet. It is not really a relationship because neither of you are relating to one another. I am also slightly disturbed that you have told your boyfriend you like the other guy but there is no chance of anything happening, why would you tell him unless you want to break up or hurt him. I am equally disturbed that your boyfriend is not that bothered by it, maybe I am missing something but I don't think you love each other and often relationships break down, forgot the forever stuff and look at the quality of the relationship as it currently stands.

alpha2010

I haven't been sleeping lately over this, the thing is the minute I started to realise I like this person, I told my bf straight away hoping he would make me stop but he said oh sure he leaves in London who cares, My bf just thinks I like the attention I'm getting off the others guys on the playstation but I don't care about the rest of them.

Like nothing will ever come of me and this guy, I will never go to London and he will never come to Dublin. Its not really about this guy its about me liking someone else. Like I have only ever been with one guy and thats my current bf I started going out with him when I was 16. We have killed one another, hit, name called and many people told me to get out of the relationship but we didn't. Its like we both know its over but were afraid of what happens next. I have spent everyday with my bf because I have been living with him the past year so it would be weird not having each other around. We don't even have sex anymore, we barely kiss. This is all happened since I started texting this guy. Its not all one sided, my bf doesn't care really that we dont kiss or have sex. Its like he is happy with the way things are. I'm just a room mate to him and vice versa.

alpha2010

miec wrote: »

look at the quality of the relationship as it currently stands.

He works from 7pm to 8 am most nights, He sleeps till 5pm wakes up goes on his pc and he then asks what do we wanna eat at 6, we have our meal and then he gets ready for work while I sort his clothes out and whatever I say goodbye and thats it for the day, thats our relationship

and funny enough we both find this ok and have been doin this for about 4 months now

LighterGuy

alpha2010 wrote: »

I haven't been sleeping lately over this, the thing is the minute I started to realise I like this person, I told my bf straight away hoping he would make me stop but he said oh sure he leaves in London who cares, My bf just thinks I like the attention I'm getting off the others guys on the playstation but I don't care about the rest of them.

Like nothing will ever come of me and this guy, I will never go to London and he will never come to Dublin. Its not really about this guy its about me liking someone else. Like I have only ever been with one guy and thats my current bf I started going out with him when I was 16. We have killed one another, hit, name called and many people told me to get out of the relationship but we didn't. Its like we both know its over but were afraid of what happens next. I have spent everyday with my bf because I have been living with him the past year so it would be weird not having each other around. We don't even have sex anymore, we barely kiss. This is all happened since I started texting this guy. Its not all one sided, my bf doesn't care really that we dont kiss or have sex. Its like he is happy with the way things are. I'm just a room mate to him and vice versa.

Im sorry for you op.
There is more to the issue at hand than you talking to some guy online.
You have feelings for your bf ... but .. its becoming more and more evident that the relationship is no longer a relationship.
It happens in alot of relationships. People stay together for the bond. Even tho its apparent its basically just turned into close friendship. These situations are terrible! because you feel so much for your partner and want to be with them. This is why you are talking to someone else. Albeit online.

I think even he feels that way too. Him not getting the slightest bit upset/angry/or cautious over you talking to other guys online says it all on his side too.

Some couples just be honest and admit its not really a relationship anymore and break up but remain friends. Others usually hide it (most commonly its one sided/one partner feels this way) but what usually happens is they meet someone else, cheat, or only then break it off (knowing they got someone else - this actually makes someone a user) ... this causes heartbreak and ruins any potential post-realtionship friendship that may of been maintained.
Others blow a fight out of proportion. Blaming their partner over the fight and saying its over. Thats a cowardly way of breaking up.


I think you need to talk to your BF.
On your side, altho you say you will never meet this online man. Trust me, someone else will come along who will live in this country. Then ... knowing the state of your relationship. .. you know what will happen.


if you want to try to make the relationship work you have to talk and make changes. From talking, you might make things work or realise its over. The last thing you should do is end things badly. Which, knowing the state of things... you are very likely to. As is he.

Trust me op. I've seen this happen before.
Dare I say, sounds like you (probably both you and your bf) just dont want to be alone.

alpha2010

LighterGuy wrote: »

.
Dare I say, sounds like you (probably both you and your bf) just dont want to be alone.

everything your saying is totally true, its horrible to actual realise it but yeah I'm afraid of being alone, I hate myself so much. My bf is everything I want in a guy but apparently thats not even enough.I don't know why I don't want to be with just him and be happy I feel like if I let him go that will be the biggest mistake ever

I cant talk to him, he works all the time and when I do he says talk to me tomorrow. He told me last night were on a break that we cant kiss or whatever haha that just puts the nail in the coffin. so now were on a break but I still live with him, sleep in his bed and have dinner with him.

God were just friends in my opinion. He says its not all my fault that were falling apart, he says he doesn't have to work this much but he choses to like for example yesterday we had plans to go out for some dinner and maybe the cinema because we hadn't in awhile and then he got a missed call from his job, I told him not to ring back because they would want him in tonight and our plans would be ruined. He says no sure 'I owe them a favor its not a big deal if we were to go out or not', thats his response

so instead of me going out with my bf, I ended up chatting online to the guy for 8 hours on and off. I think he wants me to do this, so he wont feel guilty about us breaking up because it will be all my fault, which is true

seriously I'm 18 nearly 19 and I feel like ****. I'm a mess, I wont go out anymore, I'm not eating. He doesn't even notice me anymore. God we just celebrated our 2 year anniversary and his birthday is soon, I gave him his present already just in case were over by then

I feel like crawling up in a ball and just dying, I'm crying while typing this...

LegacyUser

wow OP this is one serious toxic relationship
you have to come to some realisations

life goes on out there you will get over it.
it gets easier with time.
and your relationship is well over.

I think hes setting you up to be the bad guy here. he has starved you of affection and attention puts his job first and has no time for you.
your on a break!! your living together at 18 get back to your mams and have the life your supposed to its 2010 not 1953 getting married at 18 and spending the rest of your life together because theres noone else that sounds like my parents!

get the courage up to finish it keep chatting with the other guy you never know a holiday to london could do you wonders!

G86

It sounds like you've both moved on from your relationship without actually breaking up - so you're stuck in a kind of limbo where neither of you has the courage to make that final break. This guy you're chatting to isn't the issue, if you keep going the way you are there are going to be 10 more guys like him, guys who are prepared to give you the attention you're not getting in your relationship. If you stay together now it's just going to end badly, and it's pretty likely that one of you will eventually end up cheating.

I know it's a massive step, and I know it seems scary now, but you're not happy - and if someone isn't making you happy then why would you want them in your life?

alpha2010

last night we talked when he came home from work, for the first time we really talked. he said to me its been like this for months, us not being connected. he started crying saying its killing him. He said we used to fight all the time and he would rather that because at least then we were fighting for something now were not even bothered to fight.

i said to him I'm gonna go back home just so we can sort our heads out but he said he would feel guilty because he knows all the trouble thats happened at home ands thats one of the reasons i live with my bf, Im moving to Maynooth in September for college and he said whatever happens I can still stay in his house until then because he has a spare room

but tbh I think its just so we can still be around one another. After we talked we went to bed and I couldnt sleep, I told him I wasn't going to sleep he turned around and held onto me like he used to and for the first time in 2 weeks I slept properly

G86

I really think you need to move out and get some distance, living together isn't going to work if you need a break. I lived with a guy for 2 weeks after we broke up (case of having to), even shared the same bed, and it was torture for both of us - it just prolonged the whole thing and up until the day I actually left he was in complete denial about it. It really won't work, nothing will change, you need to take that step if you're going to get anywhere near sorting your head out and figuring out what you really want.

LegacyUser

Yes, what you did is cheating. It does not have to involve a physical act. It's emotional gratification from a member of the opposite sex who you have developed feelings for, and have put-ahead of your boyfriend. You have not severed ties with your boyfriend because of habit, and most likely the fear of being "alone".

OP I actually had a mini-heart attack as I thought for a moment that you were my "girlfriend"!!! I say "girlfriend" because I am in the EXACT same fizzle-out boat you are with very similar circumstances. I am in such a similar situation that you wouldn't believe it.

I'm 27, and my relationship of 4 years is just about over because my girlfriend has moved on from me, and has found someone through World of Warcraft (which I ironically turned her on to by buying her a laptop a year ago). She is basically obsessed with the game and plays 6 nights (only because the server downs on Tuesday night) a week for ~8 hours. She's been chatting to some guy every night for 4 months and recently just disappeared off to Europe to stay in his house with a "group of online friends" for a gaming session. She lied about where she was until I rumbled her, and even though "nothing happened" - which I do believe - she has shown very little remorse, or even acknowledged that what she did was so unbelievably f*cked to a scary degree.

More than just being obsessed with the game, it's the social interaction she's obsessed with. She is extremely detached from reality, responsibility, and refuses to deal with anything "real-world" anymore. In her head the only world that she is of any use is this alternate reality where she's really important to her "guild". She has all these online friends, whom she now puts ahead of her "real" friends, and me. She has this new guy too, who thinks he "loves" her and is on her new level way more than I ever could be now.

Prior to this our relationship had fizzled. We fought so much. We never had sex, both live with our respective parents (which really doesnt help, and shouldnt be the case given how old I am), and saw each other maybe once/twice a week. It was purely a habitual going through the motions thing. She doesnt work, so is on completely different time to me, and generally feels fairly shitty about her existence most of the time since she didn't get her college place this year etc. I used to be able to pick her up, but I can't reach her anymore because of this escapism she now practices. She wont talk about anything, us included. It's actually soul-destroying.

The difference (similarity?) to your situation OP is that this is killing me. We planned a family, kids, a life together, everything. The ridiculousness of meeting a "gamer" and preferring him to your boyfriend based on a purely online chat-based relationship seems ridiculous to a lot of people, maybe even embarrassing. It's actually ridiculous to say it now. She's a ten, seriously. Absolutely gorgeous. I personally never gave it the respect it deserved, nor did (or does?) your boyfriend. It however is just a taster of the mindset you are probably in now, as has been hinted at by other posters in this thread, you will probably go on to do much worse to him.

Your relationship is probably done with, and it's probably better that you end it if the fizz for your boyfriend has gone. The too-little-too-late sentiment I'm getting from your boyfriend "holding you the way he used to" etc is extremely reminiscent of my situation now too. I would give anything to get what we had back, to be her number one, her rock, to get the opportunity to **** her every night, to treat her right etc etc. Basically to put right all the things we let slip that caused this (but I know it wasn't just my fault though).


Personally I think you need to make a choice OP, and it's a choice I will shortly be putting to my own girlfriend. You need to commit to one path or another. If you think there is hope for your relationship and it's something you want to work on for the future, then you need to cut all ties with this new guy, with PSN, and everything that this infidelity (yes, infidelity) is associated with. If not for your own ease of comitment to whatever path you want, at least for his peace of mind. Personally I know what it's like to feel sick to know she's talking to him at a given moment.

This is just my take, from someone who is on the other side of this very situation. It's not nice, and my world has fallen down around me since finding out what who I thought was my soul-mate has been doing behind my back. It'll be better for you and better for him if you just commit to a choice now, and then stick with it. If things go back the way they were, at least you can say you tried and will get that sleep at night.