Need advice on a few things

PTH2009

Anyone else feel like me.

1 Im 20 years of age now and im a bit scared of what the future will hold. Im single and i find it hard to see myself finding someone and having a family in which i do really want in the future ( I look at all the single people in there 30/40,s and say to myself i dont want to be like this people i want a family,wife etc) anyone ever scared they might be alone forever ??.

2. I feel a bit patetic to be still a virgin at 20 and never to have a real relationship. Advice ??

3. Im one of these people who wants to be liked by everyone and think if someone dislikes me i will be punished by god because i believe i siad something or done something to make these people/person dislike me. I believe god is punishing me for something ( I lost a friend a few months ago and had a bit of a bad time for a while still have a few scares about it but that was in the past so im still trying to move on from it dont want to talk about it further on this website). Advice ???

4. I tend to drink a lot when im out because i beleive i start to come out of my shell a bit when i have a few drinks in me. One thing it must be a side effect of the drink i start to say sorry to people i get this idea in my head that i done something wrong and that people will not talk to me the next day. Im nowhere near alcoholic standard but im not a lover of the taste of pints but i still drink them (honestly i would be too scared to just go out and drink spirits). One reason why i drink so heavily is probly an effect of question 3 im scared im going to see someone who dislikes me and there going to abuse me and i cant take abuse drunk or not (im a bit of a senistive guy). Advice ??

5. I have a friend who is from uganda and when were out on nights out he keeps on going up to girls and asking them will they dance with me. He loves dancing and chatting to women. I dont like it because i relize how ugly i must be when no girls would not dance with me. I know he is trying to help me but its a bit umcomterble and awkward for someone to be doing that. Whats the best way to say to him i dont feel comterble with him doing that because i feel something bad might happen if it continues ??

Onething a bit positive i got a second change at education im starting a fetac business course in september and i have a small part time job for the last 2 years. any adive about starting college ??

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

1) I think it's a common fear for some people to be afraid of being alone forever but the reality is that not many people are alone forever. Most people will enter into relationships even though they thought they would not.
I used to be like you. I could never attract men and I thought it was because of my appearance. I now realise it was because I had low self esteem and I sent out those vibes to others and they'd avoid me.

2) I was a virgin until I was 20. It bothered me a bit because I thought I'd never lose it but at the same time I didn't want to just give it away. I held out for someone I really loved. I'd have waited until I was 30 if I had to. It's not a big deal. People won't look down on you for it (and if they do, they aren't worth the time of day.) Stop focussing on it, it'll happen when it's supposed to.

3) You really have to stop caring about what other people think of you. It seems to me that you have no self esteem and need other people to like you and validate you. This is unhealthy imo. Maybe get some counselling when you start college. Most colleges have a free counselling service. It will help you build some self esteem. When you have that you will find that people are much more accepting and open to you.

4) The drinking thing. Most people will feel more confident after a few drinks. It's one of the nice effects of booze. Apologising to people when you haven't done anything is really annoying and I would think that this is actually a side effect of the self esteem issue. You apologise because you are afraid the person may not like you anymore. Maybe just cut down on the drinking a tad. Instead of having 5 pints, have 3.

5) Just tell your friend out straight that you don't like it when he asks girls to dance with you. Tell him you'd rather he left your love life in your own hands.
As for girls not dancing with you because you're ugly? Another self esteem issue. You don't believe in yourself and as clichéd as it sounds-if you don't believe in yourself, no-one else will either. It's true. People can sense low self esteem and they hate being surrounded by it as it has a negative effect on them too.

6) Use college as a new leaf. Go to the counsellor and explain that you'd like to build up your self esteem. College was the making of me because I studied something I loved and was good at, I made loads of new friends and I entered a relationship. Without the first two I couldn't have gotten the last because they built my confidence up to an attractive level.
You will meet so many new people in college (maybe even get with someone. Who knows?) and you will be learning new things. These are positive things but make sure you focus on that.

I don't really have much more advice about anything else but I hope this helped you a little bit.

Good luck OP,

CR

LegacyUser

PTH2009 wrote: »

Anyone else feel like me.

1 Im 20 years of age now and im a bit scared of what the future will hold. Im single and i find it hard to see myself finding someone and having a family in which i do really want in the future ( I look at all the single people in there 30/40,s and say to myself i dont want to be like this people i want a family,wife etc) anyone ever scared they might be alone forever ??.

2. I feel a bit patetic to be still a virgin at 20 and never to have a real relationship. Advice ??

3. Im one of these people who wants to be liked by everyone and think if someone dislikes me i will be punished by god because i believe i siad something or done something to make these people/person dislike me. I believe god is punishing me for something ( I lost a friend a few months ago and had a bit of a bad time for a while still have a few scares about it but that was in the past so im still trying to move on from it dont want to talk about it further on this website). Advice ???

4. I tend to drink a lot when im out because i beleive i start to come out of my shell a bit when i have a few drinks in me. One thing it must be a side effect of the drink i start to say sorry to people i get this idea in my head that i done something wrong and that people will not talk to me the next day. Im nowhere near alcoholic standard but im not a lover of the taste of pints but i still drink them (honestly i would be too scared to just go out and drink spirits). One reason why i drink so heavily is probly an effect of question 3 im scared im going to see someone who dislikes me and there going to abuse me and i cant take abuse drunk or not (im a bit of a senistive guy). Advice ??

5. I have a friend who is from uganda and when were out on nights out he keeps on going up to girls and asking them will they dance with me. He loves dancing and chatting to women. I dont like it because i relize how ugly i must be when no girls would not dance with me. I know he is trying to help me but its a bit umcomterble and awkward for someone to be doing that. Whats the best way to say to him i dont feel comterble with him doing that because i feel something bad might happen if it continues ??

Onething a bit positive i got a second change at education im starting a fetac business course in september and i have a small part time job for the last 2 years. any adive about starting college ??

1) That's normal enough OP, reckon everybody does think that from time to time. End of the day, it's very early on, you've got a lot of places to go and people to meet. And you still will in 5, 10 or 20 years' time, regardless of what you might think now. Your life changes as you get older, but you don't run out of possibilities. Young as you are now, best just take it as it comes.

2) Not that unusual I think, I was a virgin myself at 20 - I think I lost it around 22 or 23. As the fact that I can't even remember at this stage might suggest, it's really not as big a deal as it seems. You'll get around to it sooner or later, no great hurry I should think.

3) Re the god punishing you stuff, I'm not a Christian, but from what I gather from them that's not really how it works. Talking with a priest about that might clear things up a bit for you. Re worrying too much about being liked and forming beliefs based on that, a counsellor would be a better idea for that part.

4) Well, alcohol will do that, it's one of the reasons folks drink the stuff. As long as you don't overdo it, there's no great harm in it. On the other hand, if you're relying on the stuff to get through a night out or to have any chance of enjoying yourself, that's not so good. If you're drinking more than a moderate amount more often than you should, which you appear to feel you are, then you definitely need to look at cutting back.

5) He sounds like a friend who means well and is a fan of the direct approach. With that in mind, he's not likely to mind at all if you simply tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and ask him to tone it down a bit. Re feeling that you're too ugly and worrying that something bad will happen, you should think about talking to someone about that OP.

Re college, no advice in particular, just keep an open mind, get stuck in and enjoy it, it's a new experience, so make it a good one.

As I've advised you a couple of times above and in some of your previous threads OP, I still think you should talk to someone - a GP or counsellor - about how you're feeling and how things are going for you. They'll be able to help you get things on a more even keel and feel better about some of the issues you've raised here and in the past. It's not a big deal, and I certainly don't think you have any big problem, but I do think you should get some help putting things into order for yourself, for a short while at least. The college may have a counsellor depending on the size of it, or any GP will be able to put you in touch with one.

Zen65

PTH2009 wrote: »

Anyone else feel like me.


I tend to drink a lot when im out because i beleive i start to come out of my shell a bit when i have a few drinks in me. One thing it must be a side effect of the drink i start to say sorry to people i get this idea in my head that i done something wrong and that people will not talk to me the next day.

Forget about problems 1, 2, 3, and 5 right now. You can act on this problem today. Stop drinking. Give yourself a 6 month holiday from drink altogether and see how things improve. Any relationship you start up from a position of having a lot of drink taken is doomed to fail. I'm under the impression from your post that you are a very young 20, so live a little, widen your circle of friends, make yourself more interesting.

While you're sober..... stop this nonsense about blaming your God for wanting everyone to like you. You know this is not true. It's a crutch you are using to avoid dealing with real feelings. Get over it.

I don't mean to sound unkind nor uncaring. I understand you have issues, but if you want to deal with these (and not just hide from them) you need to start from a strong position, and your drinking has weakened your ability to mature socially.

Be at peace,


Z


PS: Re being a virgin at 20, this is not an issue. Real life is not like the soaps on TV; lots of people are virgins well into their twenties. It's not a problem, it's very normal.