I don't feel respected enough

LegacyUser

Hi all, going unreg for this. I'd love some advice, as I'm pretty confused :S

We've been going out for over a year now, things were going great the first few months. Now that I think about it though, it's always been a one sided relationship.

I love her, she's my best friend too and we've already spoken about a future together, etc. but I'm having doubts now.

Here's the deal -

We probably haven't spent more than 2 days away from each other. When there's the odd chance I can't meet up, she suddenly becomes sad or annoyed but says she's tired, or she wants a hug, etc. etc.

She always likes to be right, too. She's not obnoxious nor cocky, but if we ever share opinions on something (like which bus to get, when or where to meet up, etc.), she usually thinks that she has the best opinion or it's somehow best because her dad or mother recommended it. If we do the opposite of what she likes, she's sad or annoyed. I'm just getting tired of it!

I do try my best, too. Not once have I ever done her wrong intentionally and I never do anything to hurt her. I'm always there for her, to do a favour, go with her to a party, be there for her when it's the time of the month, hold doors open, be polite, etc. etc. when sometimes she does nothing for me. Sometimes she makes up excuses to not do things for me - like she's having dinner, she feels sick, she's tired, etc. etc. Carefully timed eh?

If I ever become annoyed or sad at her then, she retaliates with the same treatment until I am forced to act happy again. Emotional blackmail isn't nice!

I know you're probably thinking I sound very selfish at the moment but if you were me, you'd feel just as how I feel right now!

What can I do? I can't talk to her as she is emotionally volatile when I mention something about our relationship changing. Am I in this too far?

Victor

Is she a little princess or is she being bitchy?

Ickle Magoo

Have you told her how you feel? Emotional blackmail is not on and neither is expecting you to spend every waking minute together if that's not what you want. The only thing you can do is sit her down and tell her you aren't happy and why - request new boundaries be drawn up and expect that they be respected and go from there. If you just keep appeasing her and holding in every time you get annoyed or resentful, it will just destroy your relationship.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

Is she a little princess or is she being bitchy?

She's never a bitch with the exception of when she's very very drunk - she likes to highlight my flaws and tell me that I need to do more in our relationship - ie. show more displays of affection (kissing) in clubs, etc. and one time when I kept her waiting to meet up with me for about an hour. I deserved that, though.

Usually? She's a loving, caring person who's always up for a laugh.


I'm no angel either, but the only times I ever get sad with her is when she's in a mood (indirectly at me), or when I see her too often (which is hard to hide in the last while, seeing as we see each other most days. It's taking a toll on our relationship )

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Have you told her how you feel? Emotional blackmail is not on and neither is expecting you to spend every waking minute together if that's not what you want. The only thing you can do is sit her down and tell her you aren't happy and why - request new boundaries be drawn up and expect that they be respected and go from there. If you just keep appeasing her and holding in every time you get annoyed or resentful, it will just destroy your relationship.

Best of luck

I've tried once before. Granted, it wasn't face to face but she still became quiet and sad when I mentioned it..

Ickle Magoo

tired OP wrote: »

I've tried once before. Granted, it wasn't face to face but she still became quiet and sad when I mentioned it..

So, she's sad and quiet? What's more important, her being happy 24/7 or both of you being happy for as much of your relationship as is possible? Do it face to face because an awful lot can be misconstrued and let her know what kind of relationship makes you happy.

sara-lou

She sounds a bit immature to be honest, she is acting like a spoilt wee miss who likes to have her way all the time.

Relationships have to be about compromise if its not 2 people making the effort than it just won't work. I don't think you are being unreasonable if you sit her down and be straight out with her if she decides she'd rather not make an effort back and just be "sad" she isn't worth it. It's not easy to point out flaws in relationships and get them out in the open but if you don't address it you can't fix it.

HavingCrack

tired wrote: »

She's never a bitch with the exception of when she's very very drunk - she likes to highlight my flaws and tell me that I need to do more in our relationship - ie. show more displays of affection (kissing) in clubs, etc. /QUOTE]

Sounds like shes more concerned with other peoples opinions of your relationship than the actual relationship to be honest.

LegacyUser

sara-lou wrote: »

She sounds a bit immature to be honest, she is acting like a spoilt wee miss who likes to have her way all the time.

Relationships have to be about compromise if its not 2 people making the effort than it just won't work. I don't think you are being unreasonable if you sit her down and be straight out with her if she decides she'd rather not make an effort back and just be "sad" she isn't worth it. It's not easy to point out flaws in relationships and get them out in the open but if you don't address it you can't fix it.

I just wish it wasn't like this. We both agreed to do our parts to keep the relationship going last time I spoke to her, but things have been worse since.

Take for example - about two weeks ago. I was looking forward to seeing a dance class (my friend was in it teaching) and we'd both decided to meet up and head in together. She left WAY too late though, and we missed the hourly bus going there. We missed the class, I got a bit bummed over it and she got annoyed, because I was annoyed over missing the class.

What was I supposed to do?

I think I'm whipped

AngryBadger

What you're describing sounds very one-sided OP, and your gf sounds very immature.

You definitely need to have a face-to-face with her about this, it's absolutely not on for her to start getting sad/tired/upset whenever you have a disagreement, don't do exactly what she wants, or are annoyed with her.

You need to tell her that you feel this is unfair, and if she's not willing to do something about it, (i.e. if after a few days/weeks she's back to her old habits), then maybe you need to move on.

Bella_purple

I don't really understand this kind of relationship. Probably you're the victim in it and you tryed for 1 whole year to please her. And how did you choose to do that? By consciously becomin' her puppy. And now you want her to change her behaviour when there were you who traced her on the wrong path. You now want her to feel obliged to treat you nice just because you expect your reward for being her puppy. I think you were the manipulator in this story. Sorry for being harsh, but this is how I see what you describe.

I think you're both immature and deserve yourselves . But in time you'll know what to do, I guess you're teenagers. So good luck with the mature verson of you. I'm looking forward for Windows 17 to be on the market, hurrey! :P

lulu90

Hi OP,

I am writing this reply as a girl that used to act the same way as your gf is currently acting. As with your relationship, my own was fine for the first few months. Then after a while I would get cold with my bf for no reason and get into a mood with him over something so slight and small. It would blow over after a few hours, usually with me apologising and him giving in far too easily. Deep down we both knew that sooner rather than later I'd do the same. This pattern of coldness and moodiness went on for about two months. The final straw came when we were on holidays together. We were looking in a shop window and disagreed over something. I was unhappy with his opinion and went silent and and cold. Pretty much like how you say your gf goes sad and annoyed. That night we had a bit too much wine and the truth came out. I was shocked that he was so unhappy. I didn't realise he was as unhappy as he was. To cut a long story short we nearly broke up over it but luckily I copped on. It took a while to learn how to respect his opinion but I eventually have succeeded and now am happier than ever with the relationship.

What I will say to you is that you must not give in to these sad or annoyed phases. It's how bad patterns start in relationships. But now that they are happening, while hard to deal with them, it is best to deal with them head on. You must make her face up to her demons and realise she is doing it. I bet she does realise she goes sad and annoyed but because she gets away with them so easily, keeps doing it. My bf told me that he was walking on egg shells around me and didn't have an opinion, that he loved me but couldn't go on the way we were going. It was then I realised what I was doing to us. You must do the same to your own gf for the sake of the relationship. It is not fair that you have to put up with this, you sound like a good bf who deserves the best of her and not the childish moods over nothing.

You say you have tried to chat to her about it before but she has gone quiet, well do it again face to face and prepare yourself for the sadness and annoyance that will result. But don't let it stop you, keep talking and if she doesn't respect your opinion tell her that is exactly the kind of behavior that is making you question your relationship and future with her. Give her the scenario of it the shoe being on the other foot and make her imagine how she would react if she had to out up with the crap that you have to. Don't let it continue, you and her have the potential for a great relationship if only she would stop this carry on. Just prepare for the moods and don't stop telling those home truths when the moods do come. You know your opinion matters, so use it and tell her how you feel.

Good luck!

Miss Fluff

tired wrote: »

I'm always there for her, to do a favour, go with her to a party, be there for her when it's the time of the month

Be there for her how exactly when she has her time of the month?Not being funny but every woman in the world experiences a period, so how exactly do you need to be there for her???????

lulu90

My bf is there for me when I'm on mine. He makes me comfy in bed or on the couch and goes to the shop if I want choc or anything like that. He's also tolerant of the emotional state that I sometimes get into before my period begins and comforts me if I'm upset about something stupid which happens sometimes due to me getting awful mood swings when on period! OP you truly sound like a keeper if you keep your gf happy on her TOM!

niceoneted

she is a very needy person. I can never understand men that put up with this. She needs to grow up and you need to grow a pair. You have a life to live with or without her. You cannot just live her life.
Good luck