Holidays without children?? Disagreement

yungwan

Hi all.

I am looking for your opinions on this please.

I have a 6 year old son from a (short) previous relationship. I have been in a new relationship since my son was about 14 months (so just over 5.5 years) and although we have had many ups and downs over the years with my boyf worrying about his role in my sons life etc, we are now living together and are all happy (most of the time anyway!) My sons dad is in the picture (somewhat anyway, in that he does finally pay maintanence and does take my son for weekends although not on a consistent basis. He also doesnt ever text or call in between these visits)

My boyf is great with my son I have to say, he helps with pickups to childcare, looks after him in our home when necessary (if say I am ill or I need to be somewhere) and is all in all a great step dad.

Our issue is that my boyf reckons we should have holidays by ourselves as we are only a young couple in our mid 20s.

I understand what he is saying - he says he is expected to be my sons father all year and can we not just have one week by ourselves where we can just be a couple. I disagree because I think it is bad parenting to take off every year for a week without my son for selfish reasons.

We did go away for a week alone the first two times we went abroad and then last year all three of us went. Sure, it wasnt the same, we couldnt go on the lash every night or relax on the beach all day, but it was nice, and we all got along.

But my boyf is not content to always bring my son with us. He says he needs time away from him for this one week in the year, that he is too hard to listen to constantly for a week which I think is unfair, hes a kid for god sake. I hate leaving my son, so its a vicious circle and we always argue about it when holidays come up.

The thing is we do go away for weekends alone, we went away for a weekend just two weeks ago for god sake, but he says this isnt enough.

Am I wrong here? I feel torn between the two of them. I feel that if we have kids of our own he would treat them differently, although he says he wouldnt - he would still want the hols away from the kids which I dont see as being viable at all! I feel like I have gone away in the past without my son but I was only doing it to please him, and I dont want to do so again.

Please help, I feel like we will never agree.

silja

How does he treat your son at home? From what you write, it seems that he is supportive, but very much the step parent supporting, rather than fully parenting, so he may feel he should not have all the responsibilities either.

That being said, I can understand where he is coming from. I am mom to three, around them pretty much 24/7, and I would love a week off (once I am finished nursing number 3!). It is good to get away sometimes, and important to have "couple time"; you are first a parent, but you are also a wife/ girlfriend. If you only had your son the odd weekend and holidays, I could understand why you don't want to holiday without him, but he seems to be with you the vast majority of the time. Holidays are expensive, but maybe you can swing a week away a year with your partner, and then a week as a family? Camping is cheap!

yungwan

Well he treats him well like but he would be quite strict with him, and I try to balance it with probably being too soft!! lol He is caring towards him but not affectionate.

I completely agree with the whole "we are a couple too" thing, I really do, which is why I think our weekends away are important.

However money is very tight this year and we will probably be holidaying in Ireland this year which he is whingin about. I am only trying to make the most of it .

I know he wants couple time but I make alot of effort to spend quality time together at home. I think its very important to have memories for my child too, he wont be a child forever. Two holidays is definately not an option!

I worry that maybe we have different family values and that it will cause problems in time.

astra2000

Hi I sympathise with your situation and I agree with you that your son should be included on your holidays how fair on him would it be to watch you too going off on holidays every year and him to be left at home especially now he is of the age to know the difference. Is there any way ye could afford a week away for yourselves and another week as a family holiday. Your boyfriend is been selfish and the comment about been too hard to listen to constantly for a week is harsh however I have heard parents (dads and MUMS) making comments like this I think its a (sad) sign of the times we live in when some people think it is ok to put their needs first. Your boyfriend sounds in every other way like a great dad so I hope this is something youcan work through. Maybe there are other people you could go on holiday with and if there was other kids your son would not require your attention all the time, and you could take it on turns babysitting. Ask your boyfriend to look at to from your kids point of view and think How he would feel not been included. Myself and hubby went away on holsby ourselves when kids were vert small NEVERAGAIN!!!!!!!! So I understand what you say about missing him after all its not much of a hol if your mssing him too much to enjoy it, luckily for me my husband was as bad as me so going away on our own is never an issue apart from odd night away. Best of luck with this.

MagicMarker

I don't think there's anything wrong with him wanting a week together just the two of you. I also don't think it's unreasonable or selfish of him to want it either. I have no doubt I'd want the same thing if I had kids.

But if 1 holiday per year is the max you can afford then you need to come to some kind of compromise.

Khannie

yungwan wrote: »

Our issue is that my boyf reckons we should have holidays by ourselves as we are only a young couple in our mid 20s.

I agree with him (to an extent). I was in a very similar situation to yours. Met a single mum, we were going out a while, I moved in, increasing responsibility as a step father, etc. etc.

A couple of reasons I think a break on your own is good:

1) allows you to focus on just your relationship for a while
2) there's nothing wrong with wanting a break from a child / children. It doesn't make you a bad parent.
3) It's time that you'll have to look back on together
4) Your child is number 1 all year round. It's nice to focus on each other a bit.
5) If you do have children together in the future, as you rightly said, it ceases to be an option so it might be worth taking it while you can. (You should point this out to him and find out up front if it's likely to be an issue. I'm grand with the fact that all our holidays for the next 15 years will involve children for example.)

Will there be a holiday where your son comes along in the near future at all?

smelltheglove

I agree with you op, yes it would be nice to have a holiday alone, sure I'd probably love it but I could never tell my kids that they are going to stay at nannies or whatever while I go sun myself, I am sorry but I just could not disappoint them. My daughter was 1 when i met my husband and we did have the odd weekend away while she was t her daddies, maybe one or two a year for the first 3 yrs but there is no way we would ever have left her at home while we went abroad. For our honeymoon we found it very very hard going away without the kids so we only went for 5 days and even at that we felt quite guilty and missed them like crazy.

I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and discuss it properly, explain to him that you could not relax knowing your son would have loved a holiday and that you feel he deserves to enjoy his childhood including holidays rather than be sent off while you enjoy them, I would fear that it would affect his confidence and his relationship with you knowing he was being left behind. You have already said you get weekends away alone, surely this would be enough.

MagicMarker

smelltheglove wrote: »

I agree with you op, yes it would be nice to have a holiday alone, sure I'd probably love it but I could never tell my kids that they are going to stay at nannies or whatever while I go sun myself, I am sorry but I just could not disappoint them. My daughter was 1 when i met my husband and we did have the odd weekend away while she was t her daddies, maybe one or two a year for the first 3 yrs but there is no way we would ever have left her at home while we went abroad. For our honeymoon we found it very very hard going away without the kids so we only went for 5 days and even at that we felt quite guilty and missed them like crazy.

I think you should sit down with your boyfriend and discuss it properly, explain to him that you could not relax knowing your son would have loved a holiday and that you feel he deserves to enjoy his childhood including holidays rather than be sent off while you enjoy them, I would fear that it would affect his confidence and his relationship with you knowing he was being left behind. You have already said you get weekends away alone, surely this would be enough.

I've highlighted the key words in your post. The OP's bf obviously doesn't feel that way.

I honestly can't see the problem with leaving the kids with the grandparents or with an aunt or uncle and cousins. My parents worked away from home for weeks at a time and my nan looked after us. Didn't do us any harm, and we couldn't afford holidays!

astra2000

Well magicmarker I see in your post you say that if you had kids you would want to do the same ,tbh until you have kids you cant be sure of that I would have thought the same until I had my own kids .when we went away on our own on hols when they were very little I regretted it big time ,we had actually been going to bring them but at my sisters encouragement she kept them for the week, we had never been on a sun holiday together and knew this was our last chance for a long time but it wasnt worth it. Kids grow up so fast and if the ops boyfriend doesnt want to include him on hols when will he? when they have kids of their own? surely that would not be a good thing for any little boy to experience. Dont get me wrong I see nothing wrong with a bit of time away for yourselves but is it fair that he doesnt get a holiday too why would the adults needs be more important than the childs? Magicmarker we never went on hols either as kids ,no money too but it is almost a fact of life now that people go on a yearly holiday thankgod!!!!:)

edellc

I would never ever go on holiday and leave my child behind at the end of the day you are the only parent this child knows its doesnt matter how good or bad your bf is with your son you and you alone will only know the love and responsibility it takes to have a child
when you have a child you come as a package and that means in everything i think your bf is being unfair and making you choose between him and your son isnt a good thing
partners come and go your child will be there for you forever

Nevyn

No you child won't be there forever, they grow up and leave home and make a life of thier own and then you and your partner live out the rest of you life together.

I can understand being worried about leaving an under two year old in the care of someone else for a week, but it's a week not a month. If you are happy with the person who is caring for them then I think yes you should go.

The baby is not going forget you but neither will they remember you having gone for a week.

The more people in a child's life who loves them and cares for them the better.
Often children come back from being cared by a family memeber who has the same values and routines to behave better as they have had another adult re enforce for them what they are learning/living at home.

As the kids get older there will be less time and less money so why not go for the week?

Ickle Magoo

Is there a way of compromising? Is there anyone he could stay with that he'd really love to go and see? Cousins? Grandparents? Even for a long weekend?

I used to love getting spoilt rotten by aunties and uncles when my parents skooted off on hols...

deisemum

Thaedydal wrote: »

No you child won't be there forever, they grow up and leave home and make a life of thier own and then you and your partner live out the rest of you life together.

I can understand being worried about leaving an under two year old in the care of someone else for a week, but it's a week not a month. If you are happy with the person who is caring for them then I think yes you should go.

The baby is not going forget you but neither will they remember you having gone for a week.

The more people in a child's life who loves them and cares for them the better.
Often children come back from being cared by a family memeber who has the same values and routines to behave better as they have had another adult re enforce for them what they are learning/living at home.

As the kids get older there will be less time and less money so why not go for the week?

I agree with this.

It's not bad parenting to have a holiday without your children.

My husband and I have had 3 holidays without our children over a 15 year period. They had a ball at their granny's and cousins who live the other side of the country and don't see too often. They were given the choice to come with us on what was our last holiday without them but they didn't want to go because the flights to Australia were too long.

I love our family holidays which are usually aimed at what they like but I do like the occasional one without my children and it doesn't make me a bad parent.

Eoineo

As both a parent & a step parent while I love both the children dearly I think that time away for both of us as a couple is essential. If I could I would do it once a year for us to have a chance to be just a couple & not Mom/Dad/Stepmom etc.

I think that wanting to spend some time together without the kids isn't an expression of him not wanting to spend time with your child. It's more him saying that he wants to spend some time to himself with the woman he loves.

It's actually kind of romantic.

yungwan

Thanks everyone for all your advice.
I understand opinions are divided on this, which is good I guess as I can get a view from all sides!
I said it to my boyfriend this evening that I feel upset that this discussion always comes to light and I find it hard as I feel torn between whats right for my son on one hand and my relationship on the other.
Basically he agreed that maybe he was being a little selfish and as he said we do get weekends away. I said I seen his point too and I wasnt willing to go away EVERY year without my son but I would compromise and maybe go every 2nd year or something. My son is getting older I guess and he would greatly enjoy a week visiting his Dad so he could bond with him too.
I dont think its something i am ever going to be 100% comfortable with but compromise is key I guess!!
Looking at the finances we realised any holiday is out of the question this year so it wont be a major issue this year at least.
Thanks again everyone, it always helps to have an impartial opinion from outside the box!!