The Guilt Factor

magicwok

So I broke up with my girlfriend a few months now, I'm slowly getting over the pain and depression i went through but now every morning i wake up all i can think of is the times over the 3 years i let her down, they where never major things but still i keep thinking i could have been there for her more at those moments, its hurts like hell, is this normal to feel like this?

Danniboo

I think that shows character to be honest it would be worse if you had no regard or remorse for hurting her or letting her down unless she was an absolute biattch or something. How badly did you let her down?

magicwok

a few times over the years I ditched her for nights out with the lads and really upset her and looking back I feel awful about, i always apologised and made it up to her but still, I think we learn alot from relationships and I know now that I won't be so selfish and immature in my next relationship

Danniboo

magicwok wrote: »

a few times over the years I ditched her for nights out with the lads and really upset her and looking back I feel awful about, i always apologised and made it up to her but still, I think we learn alot from relationships and I know now that I won't be so selfish and immature in my next relationship

Well at least you have the heart to admit you were wrong though I can see why she would be hurt by this. My ex treated my really badly and has shown no remorse so I wouldn't beat myself up to much about it. Would it be possible to apologise to her and then just learn from it and move on.

magicwok

Ultimately it wasn't the full reason we broke up and I have apologised for letting her down and she has accepted my apology, I suppose when I look back at those times I don't think I was happy in the relationship which let to me choosing those actions but still I fell so upset about it and hate myself for it

Danniboo

You're human, you made mistakes you've tried to rectify it. *If I could listen to my own advice i'd be laughing* At least you've apologised, if it was me I know that would mean a lot to me. Check out my thread about my ex and you'll realise you haven't been all that bad, it's over in TLL.

newtothis2010

OP

you've apologised, she accepted, there is one more thing you need to do,

FORGIVE YOURSELF....

when you forgive yourself you untie yourself from the past and are free...

and also quite importantly, you recognise that there is a lesson to be learned from it, the hows and whys of these decisions you made! bravo!.. thats a great step, some people go from Rel to Rel and commit the same mistakes over and over and always wonder 'why things don't work out for me'... you are clearly not gonna be one of them!

Its always hard to admit ones faults, but when you do, it makes life a whole lot easier....

magicwok

Thanks Guys, I always think to myself if i hadnt been such an eejit at times maybe we'd still be together,i dont know and i suppose i never will ,She has told me recently she does have have alot of respect for me and thinks i'm a great guy and i suppose that helps a bit coming from her, i'm just going through the motions the last few months and have never been this way in my life, its changed me as person

newtothis2010

hindsight is 20/20...

we all do things in Rel's that afterwards when we are analyzing we pick up on and point the finger there there and there... but its never just the night we chose with the lads, or the forgetting to tell her she looked gorgeous when she got all dolled up, or the failing to book a table in her fave restuarant... theres a multitude of reasons and combinations as to why things don't work out, so don't beat yourself up over a few minor things that happened..

she has told you she has respect for you and thinks you're a great guy

your just not the guy for her... unfortunately

SO, you take that respect (which is something you EARNED) and you carry it with you.. someone else will soon be finding out what a great guy you are..

and of course a break up will change you, in one post alone here you have learned a new lesson, thats what breakups do for us and once you can take the good things from the Rel and carry them forward you WILL be a changed person.. for the better!!!

Ickle Magoo

magicwok wrote: »

Thanks Guys, I always think to myself if i hadnt been such an eejit at times maybe we'd still be together,i dont know and i suppose i never will ,She has told me recently she does have have alot of respect for me and thinks i'm a great guy and i suppose that helps a bit coming from her, i'm just going through the motions the last few months and have never been this way in my life, its changed me as person

Try looking at it a slightly different way. Whatever you have done and been through changes you and carves out a new mould of what you will do in your next relationship. There is no point beating yourself up about the past, you said sorry and she's accepted. Move on and know that the whole experience will help you have a better relationship in the future, which is a good thing.

Best of luck.

magicwok

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Try looking at it a slightly different way. Whatever you have done and been through changes you and carves out a new mould of what you will do in your next relationship. There is no point beating yourself up about the past, you said sorry and she's accepted. Move on and know that the whole experience will help you have a better relationship in the future, which is a good thing.

Best of luck.

Thanks alot, It was my first long relationship(3 Years) and i know now that I will never take things for granted again, I think everyone in relationships get into a sort of comfort zone and it all hits home when its all over

Danniboo

magicwok wrote: »

Thanks alot, It was my first long relationship(3 Years) and i know now that I will never take things for granted again, I think everyone in relationships get into a sort of comfort zone and it all hits home when its all over

I hear ye

LegacyUser

magicwok wrote: »

a few times over the years I ditched her for nights out with the lads and really upset her and looking back I feel awful about, i always apologised and made it up to her but still, I think we learn alot from relationships and I know now that I won't be so selfish and immature in my next relationship

For all the other replies that tried to make you feel better, don't forget what you wrote here. You can't really make it up to someone for things you do. It shows them what you think of them and where they really stand with you, and what kind of a person you are.

They may forgive you but it changes how they feel long term.

Worrying about such things is not bad per se, but it is not useful either… at least not if you do so solely as guilty retrospect.

A user on another thread said that after a break up with a girl who treated him badly that he felt the relationship was a “waste”. I pointed out to him that no relationship is a waste. We learn from every one and we bring that experience into the next relationship.

I would say the same thing to you. You feel guilty about certain ways you acted in the past… fine… take that into the next relationship and do not make the same mistakes again. Use that bad experience to learn what things you are not happy about in yourself, and change them.

If you can do that, and change those bad things about yourself, then you have nothing to feel guilty about.