Cliquey bullies in their late 20's

LegacyUser

I used to be friends with this guy (guy 1) but we fell out a few years ago which would be fine but my OH was still friends with him. So we'd be out (OH and me) and if guy 1 was there, he'd ignore me and talk to my OH. Then guy 1 got his OH and a few other friends to not talk to me (I hurt the 1st guy, tried to make it up to him but I didn't do anything to his OH and the friends and guy 1 banned me from talking to his friends). Anyway, my OH becomes really friendly with guy 1's OH as they share a lot of interests and I try not to feel undefended.

Fast forward over a year and my OH tells me that the same group removed him as friends on FB a few months ago. He wasn't in contact for a while because he was basically having a melt down - not sleeping for days, being completely obsessive, not eating and (in all honesty) going through withdrawals. He says that they made no effort to contact him before doing this even though at least one of them knew things were tough (but maybe not the extent).

I am so angry with these people! I can't understand why guy 1's OH would ignore a friend's OH (me) without any personal reason but I don't really want to know guy 1's OH if that's who they are. What I'm really angry about is how they can do what they did to me, to my OH who 100% didn't hurt any of them. I deserve it to some extent, but he doesn't.

So, here's the issue. Should I send an email to guy 1's OH explaining some of the situation? I know my OH wants to befriend them again without explaining the situation but I don't think they'll go for it. This whole group is fractured enough without 2 of us being ostracised. There are people who are neutral and have to choose between us.

seamus

It's one thing to not be in contact with someone and to have friends who don't keep in touch, many people are just bad at this.

But if someone goes out of their way to ignore you or cut you out of their life, then they're not worth the effort. Forget about them, they were never real friends. Concentrate on the people who appreciate your friendship, no matter how rarely you might contact eachother.

Beruthiel

I couldn't be arsed dealing with people like that.
Life is too short and as seamus said, they were never real friends.
Why waste a nano second of effort on them? They certainly didn't do so for you.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

All sounds very juvenile and dramatic - I'd draw a line under it and find some new friends, I just couldn't be bothered with the school yard antics. Life is too short to spend your energy with to-ing and fro-ing with bitches and gossips playing games, plenty of other people out there that would make fine friends.

fasty

Ugh, cliques at that age. It's like watching Big Brother unfold right in front of you!

Pay them no mind!

Miss Fluff

Am actually exhausted reading that. Why would you bother with wanting people like that in your life?They are toxic and nasty.

Do yourself a favour and just sever contact, you shouldn't have to justify why you're a good person in order to "earn" their "friendship".

Seriously, take some control of this situation and have nothing to do with them.

Dravokivich

Go somewhere else, make new friends.

LegacyUser

Wow! Thanks to everyone for taking the time to read and respond.

I'm sorta over it and have branched out but it's my OH who I'm worried about. He wants to refriend them but not explain about the melt down. From how they reacted to me, I think they won't give him the time of day without some perspective on WHY.

While I think/agree that they're unforgiving bullies, he doesn't make friends very easily - he's very shy -and he really misses being creative with guy 1's OH.

JBF

If he has to justify in detail why he lost contact with these "friends" then they are not true friends.

I am surprised he has befriended them at all given their treatment of you. Being in a relationship is a team-effort, you support each other, I know my boyfriend would never befriend my friends of they behaved that way to me.

It's not your responsibilty to make sure he has friends, he is a grown man and he should have learned his social skills by this time.

If he is looking for support from you I guess just tell him not to expect too much from these friends and use your situation as an example. Perhaps in time he will see these people for the fickle leeches they are.

Danniboo

To be fair we don't know what the OP did to this guy and maybe has good reason not to speak to her. I've seen this before first hand except the cliques are still carrying on like this in to their early 30's. To make matters worse the people who caused the crap in the first place start texting and sending msgs on facebook asking to be friends again when they've f***d up why can't people like this respect that the person does not want to be friends and let them live their lives honestly some people are like parasites. I'm not saying this is your case OP but just looking on from the other side of the fence and playing devils advocate.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote: »

To be fair we don't know what the OP did to this guy and maybe has good reason not to speak to her. I've seen this before first hand except the cliques are still carrying on like this in to their early 30's. To make matters worse the people who caused the crap in the first place start texting and sending msgs on facebook asking to be friends again when they've f***d up why can't people like this respect that the person does not want to be friends and let them live their lives honestly some people are like parasites. I'm not saying this is your case OP but just looking on from the other side of the fence and playing devils advocate.

I don't mind if they talk to me or not. I messed up and opened my big mouth - passed on info that I hadn't realised was secret (wasn't gossiping. It was relevant to the conversation) and also guy 1 was just pissed off at the person I am. I tried to make it right but it's been made very clear that contact will not be permitted.

SO, no, I won't and haven't facebooked any of these people begging to be friends again. However, I am tempted to send a message to guy 1's OH on my OH's behalf so they can be friends with this clique again.

The situation you're describing seems a little unfair. I mean people change and the people you mention who are trying to make contact could have good reason. But I don't know what they did so I could be wrong.

It seems the consensus seems to be that we're both better off without the clique or my OH should handle this himself. Anybody else have any ideas? I'd like for my OH to not be stuck in an us and them and neutrals.

Miss Fluff

anon and on wrote: »

It seems the consensus seems to be that we're both better off without the clique or my OH should handle this himself. Anybody else have any ideas? I'd like for my OH to not be stuck in an us and them and neutrals.

I don't really know what other kind of advice you are looking for to be quite honest.

These people are not worth bothering with and just to add to what I said earlier, fighting your boyfriend's battles is not a good idea. Don't stick your nose in, you're better off without these people!

Soul Stretcher

The over-complication here is quite outstanding....

Friends fall out, an innocent OH is tarred with a brush, Facebook psyching out, contact not being "permitted".

Is this an American soap opera ?

One issue is OP falling out with a person. Fine. It happens everyday. She's moved on.

Another issue is OP's OH who is a separate human being. His relationship with these people is a matter for him and them. Is this a case of my friends can't be friends with your friends ?? God, this is Schoolyard stuff.

Sorry if I sound harsh OP. But I think you and your OH are placing too much importance on these people. As has being said above, you don't have to justify true friendship. It just is. There is a connection. You can't necessarily "earn" it.

And btw... if your OH had a meltdown, why weren't these "friends" coming to his aid and offering support instead of demanding an explanation for his absence now. As if he has to beg forgiveness at their altar for being unwell.

They don't sound like true friends to me. Please don't waste any more of your limited life energy on them and move on.

katie99

Don't waste any more time even thinking about them. Blow them away. they are not worth it. Who needs 'friends' like them? Life is too short. Their problem, not YOURS. Onwards and upwards.

steddyeddy

they were never friends op they were selfish people who thrived on your reaction and drama

VinnyTGM

What worries me more is that your OH was content with you being ignored by this group, if they respected your OH at all, they would have made some effort to be polite to you.
Cut your ties with these people, your OH will be a lot better for it.