Am I wrong?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, I'll keep this brief...

Was going out with a girl on-off for 2 years, were best friends before that for a year or so.

The reason we kept breaking up is, whenever we would have a fight and argue (usual small BF/GF tiffs) I would say stuff like 'Ah piss off will ya, don't wanna talk about this, you're being an idiot', something along those lines. She would take this as the worst thing in the world, me telling her to 'piss off' in the middle of an argument would make her not want to continue the relationship. This went on for the whole relationship, it would happen every couple of months. The things we would fall out over would be trivial, nothing important atall. But the very fact I would say things like '**** off will ya' would keep her from continuing the relationship, not the original reason we argued.

I just have to say, I didn't say these things in a violent or threatening way, it was just kinda dismissive, like 'I don't wanna talk to you just now', and I was never, or never showed any signs whatsoever of physical violence.

We've now been broken up for 3 months, for the same reason, havn't spoke atall... The longest we've went not talking since I met her was only 1 week before this, what I'm wondering is, am I really in the wrong here? Is it wrong for me to say stuff like that?

I do know a lot of couples that say the worst things to each other in an argument and be back together within a couple of hours...

Do I need to change?

Incidentally, I do really think it's over this time, and have gotten used to it, although I do really miss her...

Taltos

"Ah piss off will ya" - personally this is a bit harsh and would only use this against someone I intensely dislike. You know like SKY or EIRCOM cold-callers to my door. But to someone I am involved with - all depends on the tone - if used seriously and not in jest.... Oh man... Even in jest huge risk of blowing up in your face.

"don't wanna talk about this" - this can be fair enough - but looking at it from her side I read. "your views do not interest me enough right now for me to continue this conversation. I am bored, please stop your nattering". It might have been better to suggest "look can we take a breather for 10 minutes and then talk about this somemore - I really want to get to the heart of the issue here but I am too worked up right now and will just say stupid things."...

"you're being an idiot" - again tone and timing. But come on mate - would you stay with someone constantly telling you that you are stupid and an idiot? If she were to stay with you and continued to be spoken to with such a lack of respect it would only knock her confidence.

You might need to spend a bit more time on your own trying to figure out why you were so dismissive and work on ways to change. I am not saying what you were saying was abuse - but being disrespectful to someone you are meant to care about not once but repeatedly - well that really is stupid.

AngryBadger

Hard to know OP, in general dismissing someone like that is both ignorant and demoralising, however there are instances where someone is being so unreasonable that it's impossible to extricate yourself from the situation without being dismissive.

If you're responding like this because you feel a conversation is going in circles, or you're not getting your fair say, then maybe you're not in the wrong. However if you immediately respond like this without even giving the exchange a chance then you are in the wrong.

Of course there are other things to consider here, if you and your ex-partner were arguing every minute, I'd say your response was born of frustration and that the relationship was probably in trouble anyway. Similarly if your partner was being completely unreasonable, (I've known people male & female who just love an argument for arguments sake), in that instance again I would say you're not in the wrong.

It depends on the context within which you're saying this to your partner and only you know what that context is.

Ickle Magoo

Being told to p*ss off and being called an idiot every time I try to discuss whatever issues are destroying a relationship would drive me crazy too. I'd also be thinking if this is the standard of communication for a girlfriend/boyfriend argument, how the hell are we going discuss the big issues if the relationship continues.

I'd prefer to have a relationship with someone who can resolve conflict without resorting to telling me to p*ss off, running away or calling me names, perhaps your ex feels that way too?

LegacyUser

AngryBadger wrote: »

If you're responding like this because you feel a conversation is going in circles, or you're not getting your fair say, then maybe you're not in the wrong.

That's exactly it, she would bring the same thing up over and over, even if it had been talked to death and solved.

Anyway, probably for the best, and I will think about things and how I treat people.

Thanks for replying everyone.