He Turned Out To Be Gay

Distorted

Thanks to those replying to my previous thread (I described odd behaviour from a guy I dated and went on holiday with recently). About half of you suggested he was gay. This prompted me to contact a close mutual male friend who (somewhat reluctantly) confirmed that he was gay but doesn't like it to be widely known.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? This guy used me on and off as a "beard". I turned down many other men because I thought we still had a chance. The only excuse for him is that his mother is ill and he obviously doesn't want her to know he is gay.

I know I should be hating him and despising him and I did for the first few days but now I find myself thinking of him rather fondly, although in a different way (non-sexual to before). But I can't contact him due to his quite awful rude and anti-social behaviour on holiday and I don't think he'll contact me. Poor guy IMHO is very muddled and is basically withdrawing from society, cutting off contact with most of his friends, for fear of ridicule.

Its been a pretty upsetting experience...

ABajaninCork

Don't hate the poor fella. I would feel very sorry for him, keeping this secret. I had a feeling he was gay, from reading your previous thread, but didn't comment.

It's such a shame even in these 'enlightened' times, he feels he cannot come out. Hopefully, in time he'll have the confidence to do so.

In the meantime - get yourself out there. Plenty more in the sea and so on!

Miss Fluff

Distorted wrote: »

This guy used me on and off as a "beard". I turned down many other men because I thought we still had a chance.

I don't think that's entirely fair. I remember your last thread. You have basically hung out with this guy for a number of years but you have never even kissed. I don't think he mislead you at all. It would be an entirely different proposition if you were actually in a relationship and had been sleeping with him. Sometimes we see what we want to see unfortunately (or not as the case may be).

Coming out as gay can be a lonely old journey. Just be his friend.

Beruthiel

Distorted wrote: »

This guy used me on and off as a "beard".

Harsh. Someone can only use you if you allow them to.

He needed a friend, you decided to be one. For some, admitting to yourself that you might be gay is a very difficult process, coming out, even more so.

I turned down many other men because I thought we still had a chance.

Again. You took this decision without ever discussing your feelings with him.
Or did you?
It's not his fault if you assumed things that were not there.

The only excuse for him is that his mother is ill and he obviously doesn't want her to know he is gay.

Can you get how all this is so painful for him?

Poor guy IMHO is very muddled and is basically withdrawing from society, cutting off contact with most of his friends, for fear of ridicule....

If you would still like to be his friend, contact him and tell him that you are there if he needs it.
Sounds like he could do with a friend right about now.

Beruthiel

sunflower27 wrote: »

PS. I don't get what you mean by 'beard'

A false beard would be used to hid your true identity.

deniseryan

Distorted wrote: »

Thanks to those replying to my previous thread (I described odd behaviour from a guy I dated and went on holiday with recently). About half of you suggested he was gay. This prompted me to contact a close mutual male friend who (somewhat reluctantly) confirmed that he was gay but doesn't like it to be widely known.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? This guy used me on and off as a "beard". I turned down many other men because I thought we still had a chance. The only excuse for him is that his mother is ill and he obviously doesn't want her to know he is gay.

I know I should be hating him and despising him and I did for the first few days but now I find myself thinking of him rather fondly, although in a different way (non-sexual to before). But I can't contact him due to his quite awful rude and anti-social behaviour on holiday and I don't think he'll contact me. Poor guy IMHO is very muddled and is basically withdrawing from society, cutting off contact with most of his friends, for fear of ridicule.

Its been a pretty upsetting experience...

did you sleep with him? yu need to get checked out if so

Nevyn

Anyone who has unprotected sex with a partner should go for an sti screening.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Thaedydal wrote: »

Anyone who has unprotected sex with a partner should go for an sti screening.

Yeah obviously. But considering the risks it is a lot more important if you're having sex with high risk groups like msm or black Africans. Twas a fair point.

Nevyn

Given the current stats on the "Hetro" tranmission rates of STI everyone should be careful.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Off Topic!

Nevyn

Bottle_of_Smoke if you want to have that arguement then start a thread in humanites or one of the health forum as it is dragging this thread off topic.

Distorted

I will contact him and gently let him know its cool without using the gay word and that I hope we can be friends. tbh I'm not sure if he does want to be friends. He is becoming more withdrawn and he does have some very good friends who wouldn't at all make an issue out of his being gay but he is losing them because he doesn't keep up contact or respond to invitations any more. And no matter how well intentioned, you can't force someone to be friends if they don't want to. I'm not too sure if he would even want a female friend, he does stuff like play "smack your bitch up" kind of music when you're in the car with him and theres other stuff that sometimes makes me think he kind of finds women annoying.

Yes, I do feel he used me, there are more ways than sleeping with someone of using someone. In fact in some ways, sleeping with someone might be better because if they then discarded you, you could rightly think of them as a complete bas****. He strung me along, he gave no thought to my feelings as I told him several times how I felt about him and not once in the last couple of years did he say either we had no chance or let me know he wasn't interested in girls. But the main reason I ignored some of the signs he was gay was because he was on a dating website until very recently. He definatley enjoyed the attention and kind of led me on, I can't explain it without going into great detail. For example, if I said I was going to a certain place for something, he would turn up too. I suspect one of the reasons he doesn't want to openly admit he is gay is because this will be an end to all of this kind of attention.

But anyway, why should someone have to openly admit to any sexual preference if they don't want to, as long as the people that matter know? I knew the male mutual friend that I asked would be the one to know as he's the one that used to make comments about himself not being 100% heterosexual etc, and he asked me out once (although I turned him down) but I know he has a soft spot for me still and wouldn't lie to me.

I agree he does sound very mixed up and confused but OTH he is quite a quiet, chilled character anyway who might be perfectly happy on his own and may possibly find constant attention from people wanting to be friends quite annoying!

Honestly though, if you've never had this happen to you, you've no idea what its like. Especially when we organised to go on holiday together, I thought, finally he's ready for something. But mostly I feel stupid not to have worked it out sooner, its not as if I don't have past form with gay men acting like this.

AngryBadger

Distorted wrote: »

Yes, I do feel he used me...He strung me along, he gave no thought to my feelings as I told him several times how I felt about him and not once in the last couple of years did he say either we had no chance or let me know he wasn't interested in girls.

In fairness if you said it to him more than once and nothing happened then you should at least have realised he wasn't interested in a relationship with you.

Distorted wrote: »

But anyway, why should someone have to openly admit to any sexual preference if they don't want to

You're kind of contradicting yourself with this and the quote above OP. On the one hand you're critical of him for stringing you along and not cutting you loose by telling you he was homosexual, on the other hand you don't think it should be an issue if a person doesn't want to divulge their sexuality.

Honestly it sounds like you're more concerned about yourself in all this, which is understandable to a point, but whatever happened here you were a willing participant, by your own admission you told him how you felt more than once and yet nothing happened, regardless of someones sexuality that's a very clear indicator that a relationship is probably not going to happen, and definitely a sign to find greener pastures.

lulu90

Beruthiel wrote: »

A false beard would be used to hid your true identity.

In this context I think 'beard' means something a bit different:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beard_%28companion%29

Distorted

Ah, its cool. Texted him and just said very gently that I had been a bit confused and he should have just told me etc and that it would be nice still to be friends and everything was totally cool, and exchanged a few texts along these lines. Him sounding much happier than I've heard him sound before. Said he had been confused when he met me and did have feelings for me but didn't want to give the wrong impression, and was also worried about my reaction if he'd told me he was gay but had been trying to drop hints. Don't think I'll ever meet another man to match up to him though! At least he's not trying to live a lie though.