Fights over housework???

LegacyUser

Would just like to know if many other couples fight over housework? it's not so much the housework is the issue, but the fact that my OH is willing to let me do most of the housework, and it boils down to respect. we've fought about it over and over and over again...we've been living together for 3 years. every time he says that he agrees and that he'll make more of an effort, but it always slips back into the same old routine of me pretty much doing everything. i've stopped doing stuff before, but the place just turns into a tip, with rubbish on the floor, and food and dishes everywhere.
I'm not suggesting that I want him to be tied to the kitchen sink, but either do I....

Just wondering if anyone else has had the same situation, and what to do??

SarahSassy

Get a cleaner - its saved many a relationship.

Rocky V

my wife is the same as ur OH - except maybe not quite as bad. i dont need everything spotless but i do expect ppl to clean uo after themselves. ur OH knows u will end up cleaning everything so try leaving it until it gets to the stage where he has to clean up.

AngryBadger

samefightagain wrote: »

it boils down to respect.

Does it really though? I can't stand people who don't clean up after themselves, but I've learned that some people are just lazy ****es and very often too used to mammy following them around and doing everything for them.

If you've had this row before, and you're living together 3 years, I don't know what else you can do to make him change his ways, short of the old ultimatum.

I have to ask, for completeness sake; are there other elements of the relationship where he tends to do the lions share (in the same way that you do the lions share of the cleaning)? I'm not excusing him in any way, but I have come across situations where one party might wind up doing 100 % of task A, but the other party was doing more or less 100 % of task B/C/and maybe D.

LegacyUser

OP, I'm in almost exactly the same position as you. My OH will not as much as pick up his plate and bring it to the sink, when he comes in from work he takes off his shoes and wherever they land is where they stay. When I ask him to put his shoes away he says, sure he'll be wearing them again tomorrow so what's the point? The point is they are in the way to be tripped over! Of course if I ask him to do anything more than once then I'm just a nag and am trying to "change him". A maid is a great idea but not for us because there's no way we could afford that.

And, just like you, I feel it's a respect issue. I have calmly and rationally explained to him that the actual work isn't the issue, it's the fact that he doesn't consider that I live here too and am not his unpaid slave. He doesn't respect me enough to pick up after himself and, even when I tell him how important it is, how I feel like an unappreciated servant, he still doesn't give a fuk. He just says he never claimed to be good at housework and that's it, his final say on the matter. He waves it away like it's not a big deal, even though I've told him it is.

So I completely sympathise. I don't have any advice for you but I'll be watching this thread for some myself.

Acoshla

My boyfriend is like this, in fairness he has gotten much better, the place was a dump before I moved in (he admits that as do all his friends and family) but I feel like I live with a teenager sometimes, cleaning up after him, having to ask him repeatedly to do things.

SarahSassy wrote: »

Get a cleaner - its saved many a relationship.

The ideal solution yes, but not exactly feasible for a lot of people.

LegacyUser

I do agree that some people may just be lazy and used to it from when they lived at home--his mom for example does everything in the house, generally. However, be that as it may that he may not have realised at first that he wasn't actually pulling his weight, I have said it enough times and explained how it makes me feel, for him to have some cop on.
As for him doing other tasks, I can't even think of any other tasks there could be...I do the dishes, the cooking, the cleaning, washing clothes, ironing, shopping, etc. I have stopped in the past, but it just doesn't get done. He places huge importance in doing things he enjoys, and would be off doing stuff about 2-3 evenings a week, which is grand, but I'm just getting so tired of it. I never was big into cleaning, I just like to have it at some sort of standard. We switched roles about 2 years ago...he was doing a postgrad, and I was working, and then he started working and I went back to college, but either way, it was always me doing the majority of the housework...Just begining to be at my wits end at this stage.

Nevyn

Imagine how much worse it will be when you have kids, you need to get this sorted or move on.

LittleBook

samefightagain wrote: »

i've stopped doing stuff before, but the place just turns into a tip, with rubbish on the floor, and food and dishes everywhere.

samefightagain wrote: »

I do the dishes, the cooking, the cleaning, washing clothes, ironing, shopping, etc. I have stopped in the past, but it just doesn't get done

Not doing his washing and ironing and just shopping and cooking for yourself won't turn the place into a tip but it might get a reaction ... although I'm not convinced it will, he sounds utterly self-absorbed.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Imagine how much worse it will be when you have kids, you need to get this sorted or move on.

But that's the problem, how?? Sitting down having a talk about it doesn't seem to work, he agrees with everything I say but within a few days it's the same old story. Me asking him to do stuff equates to nagging, in his eyes, and in mine. I don't want to adopt the role where I have to be asking him to do stuff all the time.
I'm pretty sure this is a common enough issue with couples, I'm just wondering how couples get over it. Because when I say it out loud I feel so petty.

MistyCheese

LittleBook wrote: »

Not doing his washing and ironing and just shopping and cooking for yourself won't turn the place into a tip but it might get a reaction ...

I've tried this in the past. The reaction it got for me was to make him go absolutely crazy and call me a lot of names with the word "self" in them somewhere.

Nevyn

It's not petty at all it is the bugbear of a lot of relationships where the housework defaults to the woman in the relationship.

Honesly make a routine, list all the chores that need doing both daily and twice a week and once a month.

Some men just are not aware of all the things which need doing as they never had to help keep/clean a home growing up.

Put up the list of chores as that you each do a number each day, if he just plain won't and refuses then you are a make and break point.

Acoshla

Thaedydal wrote: »

Imagine how much worse it will be when you have kids, you need to get this sorted or move on.

I've actually pretty much decided that if I stay with my boyfriend forever I don't want kids because I know the mess caused by him and them would get too much for me and I know he wouldn't help enough and we'd split up.

samefightagain wrote: »

But that's the problem, how?? Sitting down having a talk about it doesn't seem to work, he agrees with everything I say but within a few days it's the same old story. Me asking him to do stuff equates to nagging, in his eyes, and in mine. I don't want to adopt the role where I have to be asking him to do stuff all the time.

Same, I feel like a nag and an annoying housewife, but he literally does nothing around here unless I ask him 3+ plus times. I don't know the answer to this (wish I did!), but don't feel petty saying it out loud, it can escalate into a serious problem, I mean even if a housemate did nothing and expected you to do all of it it would cause problems, never mind when it's your OH.

AngryBadger

Thaedydal wrote: »

Put up the list of chores as that you each do a number each day, if he just plain won't and refuses then you are a make and break point.

Sums it up perfectly IMO

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

It's not petty at all it is the bugbear of a lot of relationships where the housework defaults to the woman in the relationship.

Honesly make a routine, list all the chores that need doing both daily and twice a week and once a month.

Some men just are not aware of all the things which need doing as they never had to help keep/clean a home growing up.

Put up the list of chores as that you each do a number each day, if he just plain won't and refuses then you are a make and break point.

Going to try this now this evening, I just did out a list of stuff that needs doing, and what's been done already this week....it's probably a good idea to be able to actually point out to him how much I do and how little he does...did out a table, and all I see after every chore is my name, bar one day when he did the dishes.

Thank you for this idea, and will just see how it goes, because even though I have been here so many times before, I do feel this is the crux of most of our fights we ever have.

username123

Assigning him specific jobs is the only way. Worked for me and in fact, some time after the specific jobs were assigned I noticed he actually started to take a bit more pride in the place himself and would do jobs without being prompted at all.
I still have to point out some jobs need doing but tend to approach it in a 'lets both do such and such a job' - and just help each other.

I also make sure and do some of his jobs from time to time, and in return he does some of mine occasionally.

I did have to compromise and relax my standards a little to make it work though, he would joke that Id be cleaning the crumbs from under you while you were still eating the biscuit - so I chilled out a bit, he tightened up a bit and it came to a compromise. There is still the odd row - usually around him just not doing something despite being asked a few times, but its rare.

jurgenscarl

3 years into a relationship and a man still hasn't got into his head that you are not his maid, then unfortunately it is unlikely to change.
Cleaning the floor, washing the dishes, scrubbing and cleaning shouldn't be a problem for any man.
He is lazy, selfish and is disrespecting you.
Everytime you confront him about it he agrees just to get you off his back and when the pressure is off he goes back to his old habits.
You are not being consistent so likewise he isn't being consistent.
Still he has no excuse.
This is clearly a major issue.
If he can't change or doesn't want to change you should reconsider whether you want to live with his man.

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm in the same situation!! Kind of...

I'm living with my bf for 3 years. It was obvious when we moved in together (beforehand really) that his mother did everything for him. He didnt even know how to use a washing machine. I was embarassed for him really. But he was the same as the OP's bf, just couldnt be bothered, dirty clothes on the floor, dirty boot marks everywhere, tea cups left lying around etc etc. We talked about it hundreds of times!

Most people won't agree with this but I decided enough was enough. I stopped washing his clothes. The clothes piled up on the bathroom and bedroom floor until one day he had nothing clean to wear to work. He asked me why is clothes were not put in the wash and I replied "I'm not your mother!!". It finally dawned on him, I wasn't going to be his personal assistant anymore. So, he HAD to do it for himself, he had no other choice.

The thing is I didn't stop doing everything, just something small to start off with to see what happens. I'm not living in domestic bliss where all the chores are 50:50 but it is definitely better than it was. I like the idea of the plan aswell, maybe when he sees on paper what you do, he will change.

Neyite

another approach is to do an hour together every evening. if he knows he cant sit down until an hour later, he will either find things to clean, or ask you what needs doing. then you can both relax together.

sara-lou

I did exactly the same as cleanerth!

I felt sorry for him at first just moving out away from his mummy... I stopped feeling sorry for him when i realised i was a fool and was landed with everything! i stopped doing his washing and cooking and just did my own thing. He then took the finger out and i helped him learn to cook a few dishes and to use the machine. We even bought a gadget hoover and stupid thingss to make cleaning a small bit more appealing! There is still odd rows about it but i can only do so much so unless he pulls the weight he can go back home if he wants a maid, have spelt that out to him loadsa times

HavingCrack

Sometimes it just doesn't bother people if a house is messy and changing can be difficult. For others a spec of dirt can be a huge irritant.

LegacyUser

OP here again...thanks for all the replies, am suprised to see so many in the same boat. Makes me feel slightly saner. Tried the whole breaking down the chores. He's currently ironing, in a huff at 10pm on a friday night. I don't know if this is working or not! It just bugs me that when he does do stuff it has to be such a massive ordeal.

AngryBadger

samefightagain wrote: »

OP here again...thanks for all the replies, am suprised to see so many in the same boat. Makes me feel slightly saner. Tried the whole breaking down the chores. He's currently ironing, in a huff at 10pm on a friday night. I don't know if this is working or not! It just bugs me that when he does do stuff it has to be such a massive ordeal.

Does seem a bit unreasonable of him all right, when you say it to him does what's his response? Does he think it's fine that you do all the housework?

niceoneted

If it is any consolation my father once he retired started slowing doing things around the house as my mother was still working. It is a complete role reversal now and he does most jobs, washing, ironing, cleaning. he's a devil for the dishes - you wouldn't have the last bite in your mouth and he has the plate snatched up.
Might be a long wait though.
I agree stop doing all the bits for him he will soon see that he has to do it himself. When he asks tell him you have enough to do to do your own things.
As a matter of interest does he do any of the typically male jobs, gardening, looking after fire stuff, washing cars other DIY etc. Some might not apply but just curious.

tenchi-fan

I'm not sexist.. but I believe that the woman should take responsibility for most of the house work.
At the same time, that should be no excuse for the guy to be untidy. If he clears over after himself it should only take a minute to do over the surfaces with domestos
There should be no reason for him to drop litter on the floor.

SarahSassy

tenchi-fan wrote: »

I'm not sexist.. but I believe that the woman should take responsibility for most of the house work.
At the same time, that should be no excuse for the guy to be untidy. If he clears over after himself it should only take a minute to do over the surfaces with domestos
There should be no reason for him to drop litter on the floor.

So how is that not sexist???

Rubberlegs

Just trying to remember OP, did you say your OH works outside the home? Do you work? At the moment I'm at home, and OH is on 3 cycle shift work. He is also working on the house, and is kept very busy doing nixers. Therefore, I would do the majority of the housework. He'd sort the bins, anything that needs fixing etc. TBH I don't have a problem with this, as he's a very hard worker ie its not like he's sitting on his arse watching tv while I'm doing housework. However, I would take a different view if I was working fulltime outside the home also. Then I would expect him to share more of the housework. I wouldn't see it as being fair for all of it to be left to me, if I was out of the house all day as well. So was just wondering what the situation is regarding both of ye working outside the home, or not?? BTW I think getting a cleaner in would only be an option for those that can afford it:(

AngryBadger

tenchi-fan wrote: »

I'm not sexist.. but I believe that the woman should take responsibility for most of the house work.

and what're you basing this on?

Kimia

tenchi-fan wrote: »

I'm not sexist.. but I believe that the woman should take responsibility for most of the house work.

:eek:

Why?

jessiejam

tenchi-fan wrote: »

I'm not sexist.. but I believe that the woman should take responsibility for most of the house work.
At the same time, that should be no excuse for the guy to be untidy. If he clears over after himself it should only take a minute to do over the surfaces with domestos
There should be no reason for him to drop litter on the floor.

Thats rubbish.

If there are 2 people living in a house, regardless of gender, and both working the same amount of hours, all housework should be divided equally. If he works 3 days she works full time, then it should be him doing more, and vice versa.
The majority of my friends (female), prefer to do it themselves anyway as they think they do a better job!:p

LegacyUser

niceoneted wrote: »

As a matter of interest does he do any of the typically male jobs, gardening, looking after fire stuff, washing cars other DIY etc. Some might not apply but just curious.

We don't really have any typical male jobs as we're in an apartment with no garden, no fire, and no DIY really. In fact when there is DIY to be done, like fixing stuff, I end up doing that too.
I do work less hours than him now that I'm finished college, and I really don't mind doing more, but it can escalate from more to all very quickly. Maybe there is more to this than just the housework since I am having such a big problem with it. We used to kind of joke about it, but that was when he used to do more than he does now. He always said he did way less than me but was just better at PR not so funny after 3 years of it.

My father was the same, he did absolutely nothing, was not even able to make himself a cup of tea, but he worked and my mom stayed at home. Even still, she still sees this as one of her big regrets letting him away with this. As far as I'm concerned it's not about the housework it's about the respect. I actually think he thinks I enjoy cleaning. Maybe there are some people out there who do, but I am not one of those people!

LegacyUser

It would be a dealbreaker for me if my partner didn't pull their weight. It shows a huge lack of respect. It always amazes me though how these lazy people can hold down a job, do they act so childishly at work too?

OP, let him know exactly what you want him to do every week. Let him know what your expectations are. Tell him that if he doesn't try to meet those expectations, or even compromise, then the relationship is over. If it's a long term relationship, you could end up marrying him, having children and being left with rearing and looking after them because he's too lazy and doesn't understand the importance of his role. I'm sure you didn't see the job title of 'slave' in your future when you were asked what you'd like to be when you grow up!

dory

A relationship is meant to be enjoyable, and it sounds like you're really not enjoying this one.

You sound a bit like my mother, who didn't like my father's working hours, then married him and continued to complain about it for 30 years. No one had any sympathy for her as she knew what she was marrying.

I think the not cleaning is clothes idea is best. You might have to clean the kitchen to keep the place hygienic but you've no business cleaning and ironing his clothes.

If that doesn't work it's time to decide whether or not this is the kind of life you want. Don't be fooled into thinking it'll be better after marriage.