Salvageable?

Trier

Hello,

My problem with my OH is quite complicated since it has several layers and that's exactly the reason why i need the help of others in that particular case to manage to get some perspective on it, see the whole picture and know how/ where to attack to get my relationship back on track.

My boyfriend and i are of different nationality, he's Irish, 28, i'm in my early 20ies and continental European so English is not my mother tongue even if i understand & speak it well (i'd like to think). We met 16 months ago, became a couple 4 months after.

Like many couples we've had magical, vibrant first months (first year even), meeting during a new exciting stage of our respective lives (a great internship in a cool city for me after passing my exams), he was just back in Europe after several years away in a cool job with cool people around and excited about meeting new people (something he's not into currently).

We're both very intense persons and since we were both busy and despite really hitting it off straight away we only "showed the best of ourselves" to each other for the beginning, having crazy fun adventures together, spontaneous and plannified fun, going crazy, being carefree, not living together etc... The good intensity, not the downside.

Then we told each other the L word, couldn't be separated too much etc...but had to go long distance for 2 horrible months, travelled together after this for 2 lovely months, some more long distance for 6 months but seeing each other a weekend or a week a month since the distance was shorter. Then he pushed me to accept his coming and moving where i was (even if that's what i wanted too, part of me didn't want it so quick).

Then that's when everything started to deteriorate and i take at least half of the responsibility for this happening. I'm working away in an internship and stuck here for 6 more months of it + a semester of study. Plus trying to gain new skills on the side through distance learning, making memories in my city of birth before maybe leaving it for a very long time, catching up with teenagehood friends i had lost touch with, making new ones (i do need friends...i'm very gregarious and sociable, would even say, addicted to meeting people... not from a little village where it's easy to keep in touch like him and i've been travelling for the last 4 years or been very taken in my studies/work...) etc...


1) He said "[he] thought we were really alike but realised we are very different". So what? I had realised this before and even him had realised it earlier and took it as a positive then. I am not in love with him because we're alike. I do like the fact that we like mostly the same things (hobbies/interests) : in our top 5 let's say, we get 3 interests out of 5 that are the same.

2) He had to adapt to a new country where he doesn't speak the language, we finally found him a job in his field after 1 months and 3 weeks here but it's paid almost twice less than in the city he was working (and ditched a job...) and way less than many of the good wages he had before (still quite a lot more than me in my paid internship but well...). But i had warned about this several times, that was one of my fears...And it's only for starters, i have hope that we can find him something excellent even an opportunity to develop new researched skills when he'll learn the basics of the language here / show a local company has been happy with him.

3) I'm 5 years younger than him and that has never been a problem so far but maybe he's finding me immature now. Indeed i had somewhat promised him that we would be staying at my parents (i know i know...) where we are still staying at now for a max of 2 weeks before going somewhere else. Let me be clear on this, at first i didn't even want him to stay here, but i just didn't have the time or energy to properly hunt for a "lovenest" for us in a city where finding a decent (and decently priced) place to stay is extremely tough. I had found a short-term solution to that but he wasn't happy about it so we had to abandon it. My parents are treating this as a flatshare and being as cool as possible about it (and they're really easy going + we're all very busy so not crossing path that much) but it's true even i am fed up with the situation.

This last reason is what mostly destroyed what we had i think, this and the fact that he's somewhat of a homey boy (or currently), having said to me for months and months that he dreamt of moving into a flat with me and that i'm going out a lot, trying to live and not survive (and would do that WITH HIM but he rarely accepts to go with me unlike before when like me, he would never say no to an occasion to discover, experience, adventure etc...), plus sorting out my life on the other hand...I've lost 5 kilos, changed school for my final year, sorted an internship and distance learning, rejoined my sports club, etc...etc...(no i don't manage to deal with all of this at the same time, trainings are over during summer, distance learning is pretty flexible and i've had to ditch some other things).

I'm in a stage of my life where i feel i don't have time to waste, i've been asleep till i was 21 and woke up and realised i was only surviving (the worst feeling ever) and i'm young, healthy, sporty, cultured (or trying to be), hungry to experience, learn etc..., passionate, full of interests, always seizing opportunities presented at me as much as i can. I realised it can give the impression i'm going in all directions but i do still stick to priorities above everything else : him/us and job/studies come first.

Despite years of being super shy, i've compelled myself to kill this defect i had in me for years and get the real person i am to express itself. Years of silent observing of others and reading/learning/watching from my bubble everything i could have made me a very good gregarious person, the type who remembers everybody's name and details of their life they shared with me, with what someone qualified as an "acute lucidity about other people's feelings" etc...So all those past years weren't for nothing i hope. I am at a turning point after a few years of building great relationships, reactivating old ones and pushing them towards healthy ones, making myself more reliable etc...

And he came at that point. Now he said yesterday after an argument we had, "that it was the first time he didn't care if i came back home or made it home ok". After a misunderstanding he thought i had tricked him into going somewhere he expressively told me he didn't want to have anything to do with and left me there on the way after an argument after i didn't even realise it was coming (he also was grumpy all evening and looking for any excuse to reproach me something and bolt).

A long day of discussing this, excuses from everybody etc...tears even (2nd time only i cry in front of him) have made this night full of unhealthy toxic patterns a thing of the past but we need to work on this, work on this well and work on this NOW.

We are moving into our own place next week or in two weeks depending on which flat we chose. But hey! what should be the new rules?

I compromise on many things i do (not enough though and i'll be focusing on that fully now) and go to his things to please him/be with him (and happily even if i had preferred something else, when i'm there and the decision is taken i make the most of it, life's too frigging short! and even end up having more fun than him there sometimes...), plus suggest things for us to do together, or drag him to my "things" (won't do that ever again though i think...).

He's a very independent, self-sufficient but somewhat cynical type deep inside but even if he won't say it easily opened to change his views, be more positive, be taken in someone's enthusiasm to let a bit of self-deception work wonders for his mood...But i'm starting to believe he has depressive tendencies. He even had physical reactions to stress since he moved here.

Unlike him, i'm not naive but i'm happy with letting myself be self-decepted to make life around me seem better, let my emotions (that i'll always have, i'm an emotional person, not the "sensitive/fragile/softie" type since i've worked on this, but i need emotions and passions in my life, i don't want simple, easy, stereotyped, calm boring things...). And i'm very positive as a person or try to be. I make the most of things, if they suck and can't be changed i don't stay there saying they do but go to were things are good...If life throws lemons at you bla bla...

He sulks, huffs and puffs, don't speak his mind all the time and if so in a coded way that i have to decypher...(not all the time but way too often for my liking). If you want something express it clearly, if i can help in ANY way, i would, even if it's endangering me ok, but just don't sulk in front of me, make me lose either if i stay (looking at someone sullking...no i usually don't do, you don't want me there, i'm off), if i go, if i take initiatives to do something to help despite not knowing exactly what the problem is...

So my dream scenario is we move in together and SUPPORT each other (i help him with the language lessons, cook, do the laundry, take care of the house as much as possible and run errands for him (like i did for all the paperwork regarding accounts, jobs, phones etc...) and vice versa, celebrate any achievement he makes (like i always do...) and vice versa, we do everything (as many things possible in fact) we both like together having quality time like in old days, and help the other plan quality time with his/her friends in things we don't share (i love to dance but he doesn't, i love cultural activities and sometimes i need "only girls" time...for example, and i like to meet new people and to travel in areas in which he's not interested in, as any Irish guy he loves his "pub time" more than i do (even if i do love that, i crave for diversity in my activities... and reduced my drinking too but i'm that unshy now that i can go to pubs, clubs or wherever and not drink, on my own or with people, i don't care, i'm having a good time if i want to...i always provoke something fun or at least try to, also he needs "only guys" time i think and likes ootdoor activities like fishing that i can't stand let's say more than once a month, we both want to get fitter so we could support each other in that and go run together or something...). i helped him find a team of Irish expats they play competitive sports together (GAA) and have fun trips around tournaments both in the country we live in and around Europe (!!!), one of the guys could benefit from the job we found him etc...so they're collegues at work too, and we live in a city with loads of bars, cafés, pubs, big concerts, etc...events and festivals of all sorts non-stop to appeal to all tastes, plus bits of nature around, great transports and distance to some of Europe's coolest cities and landmarks...and there are big communities of expats... This could be a fantastic time in our lives and above all a great environment to start our life together properly. We can rebuild trust (i'm afraid of being myself in front of him now, in confiding in him..., he doesn't trust me anymore either), respect (realising we're different and/or have differing opinions on some subjects doesn't mean we shouldn't respect each other...) and come back to healthy patterns.


What we need is
1) More CLEAR communication (my problem for always saying too much, his problem for always saying nothing or too little...)
2) More trust (i need to earn it by being moire consistent, and clearer, do what i say, stick to it etc...so say "no & i don't know" more instead of promising undoable stuff too..., he needs to earn it by stopping behaving in a manipulative manner to get his way but by EXPLAINING what he wants..., and stop being the one throwing cruel and hurtful, belittling comments around. Positive or shut the f up...Good thing i didn't bite and give him an excuse to reproach me that, i always remained civil but i can't have this new trend (2 weeks) develop, or i'll slip and do it too. I don't want us to become toxic for each other.)
3) Let ourself go a bit and look at our situation with humour...i'm not a sad person but i've found myself being sad too much because of what we're going through currently. I hate that. And he needs to STOP being a grumpy ass, even for his own sake.
4) More prioritizing of the relationship : mostly my problem regarding all the side goals and activities but also his because he's the least ready to compromise...

I tried to be lucid but as i'm too untangled in all this, it is all mixed together and tough to see how to get out of this mess! All i know is i won't give us up without a fight, let's do at least what was the plan for almost 8 months : live together, and see from there.

Thanks in advance for anybody who managed to get this far without getting bored to death and willing to help in anyway.

LegacyUser

Can you show this post to your Irish man? Have you told him all these things? It takes two people to make a relationship work... you sound like you are willing and ready... but what about him?

Trier

Herm... I wouldn't show this post to him because rereading it it's maybe too critical towards him and not objective enough. But i will keep showing and expressing my readyness to make this work. If i was to quit (but that's really a bad way to phrase it, as if i was starting beat which is not the case), it would be after AT LAST trying the only thing he's moved all the way here for in the 1st place : moving together. If this is not working (and we both got our asses covered materially and emotionally), then a friendly agreement to finish there could be reached.

But to answer you, officially yes he is (making up, appartment viewings scheduled together even today and stuff). But i do doubt that he's really ready to keep fighting for it, i think he's in two minds (like me) but ready to give it a try without the rigged draw we have currently.

Maybe he's only going through the motion or just using this to get a place and then gently push me away because he's said he would stay here even if we'd break it.

But we had a massive fight, our biggest yet yesterday so i think the wounds (for both of us) are too recent, we need to rebuild trust gradually.

Another reason why i'm willing to fight for this at least for now is i don't want this to end up with us being toxic/manipulative/dishonest towards each other.

He's a nice guy, i do my best to be a nice girl, and even if we were to part ways even if not staying "friends", i would genuinely wish the best for him and hope he does the same. This is still our mindset but i don't want to let this slide into something ugly which has started to show its head a few times in the last week. It would be such a shame and a waste + self destructive.

AngryBadger

2 things jump out at me here OP, and bear in mind I'm pulling these out of a post which, while I don't feel it's being deliberately critical of him it is obviously just one side of the equation,

1) You said that the motivation for him moving to your country was (at least initially) coming more from his side than yours. The second I read that I felt it was the tipping point, and it seems like things started to deteriorate from there.

2) You seem like very different people in some respects, you describe yourself as wanting/needing to meet other people, which is wonderful and something you obviously enjoy, whereas this doesn't really seem to interest him. You also mention that you are willing to go get involved in his interests, but he doesn't seem to reciprocate, (I mean an argument stemming from him having to attend an activity revolving around an interest of yours, wtf is that about). And lastly you mention a 5-year age gap, and while you don't categorically state your own age, you mention being "21", so I'm guessing (if that's not your age), that you're somewhere in your early-mid 20s, while your partner is in his mid-late 20s, the particular age-band in which your difference occurs tends to be hugely relevant developmentally, (i.e. it's a far more significant age difference than say if you were 35, and he were 40 in which case your goals/perspectives would probably be more aligned).

It sounds like you're in very different places, and that while you want to work on the relationship and compromise toward a solution your partner is kind of indifferent to a relationship that isn't happening on his terms.

Maybe I'm way off base here? But if I'm not that's not a situation that I could see resolving itself, or being resolved at all if your views on the relationship and where its going don't start to come together.

Trier

Thanks for the comments AngryBadger.

1) Yep indeed but then it was just me making a meal of it i think. It had to happen and i wanted it to happen and you know how it is maybe : it was just "too soon, too quick" etc...and that's stupid because there were never going to be 'perfect conditions' anyway... I wasted two months despite several pushes from him that it was not going right and according to plan (that we had agreed on together) but bad communication and me in panic mode meant we weren't pulling in the same direction there.

2) OK, i'll be clear with that then. I'm 23, he's 28. Not that big a deal mentioning it after all. Indeed he has 5 additional years of precious and valuable experience compared to me. Yet, in some ways i'm more mature than him and in some others he is, which is completely normal.

As for the 'indifferent' part, it's not really like this and i had confirmation of it last night. It's just the absence of communication mostly that was the downward spiral. He's like me on this it seems : he's going to give it a strong try, if he sees the same effort from me, he'll give more etc... and we'll be on a vertuous cycle, if not, the contrary and not more time wasted. But we're going to be really lucid and not fool ourselves.

We are in different places indeed but that's also what we like(d) about our dynamic together. We're both developping in each other, elements that we don't want to see diying / want to improve in ourselves : enthusiasm, dynamism, optimism vs. maturity, absence of fear, competence... Also we do have a lot of 'common space'.

We do need to have a conversation on what we see happening in the future though. Not right now, there's a time for everything but the carefree stage is partly over for better or worse. So i agree with your bottom line.

Thank you again.

AngryBadger

Trier wrote: »

We do need to have a conversation on what we see happening in the future though. Not right now, there's a time for everything but the carefree stage is partly over for better or worse. So i agree with your bottom line.

Thank you again.

Sounds like you're well on top of things OP, best of luck, and I hope things work out !

Curry Addict

welcome to the world of relationships.

Trier

Curry Addict wrote: »

welcome to the world of relationships.

Does it always suck that much though?...

I mean i see so many people around me, even in my family circle that are madly or at least peacefully and playfully in love and like two peas in a pod, enjoying spending life together, on the same wavelenght or whatever you call it...

I notice that most of them are the type to enjoy simple things, clear paths : dining together, building a house, planning to have kids, staying close to their family to settle etc etc... So maybe that's how we differ and why that's not doable for us... We're more crazy heads but with a strong reasonable and practical streak. I could still enjoy all those simple things if i wasn't always being criticized though. I'm always afraid to put a foot wrong, i can do nothing right currently, or so it seems if i listen to what is said to me...

We've moved in a new place today, dreading the rest. He's making efforts but he'll NEVER ever say i was wrong, i'm sorry etc... and list his wrongs...(Sent me a text once appologizing for being grumpy though, was well surprised). Good thing i don't really care as long as he shows it in acts (he's an acts person, also why i'm not really good to show him i care since what is important to him is acts and i'm a verbal person if you guys had not noticed lol...). So i'll never get anything said to me now other than criticism, and i have to do lots of acts...and i'm supposed to notice he cares through acts and whatever i say he doesn't care. Yep, let's see how it works...

Whatever happens lots to be learnt.

I'm slightly exagerating here, but the start - at least, is going to be tough...Good thing i'm not one to flee a challenge.

Thanks again for the comments.

Curry Addict

Trier wrote: »

Does it always suck that much though?...

I mean i see so many people around me, even in my family circle that are madly or at least peacefully and playfully in love and like two peas in a pod, enjoying spending life together, on the same wavelenght or whatever you call it...

I notice that most of them are the type to enjoy simple things, clear paths : dining together, building a house, planning to have kids, staying close to their family to settle etc etc... So maybe that's how we differ and why that's not doable for us... We're more crazy heads but with a strong reasonable and practical streak. I could still enjoy all those simple things if i wasn't always being criticized though. I'm always afraid to put a foot wrong, i can do nothing right currently, or so it seems if i listen to what is said to me...

We've moved in a new place today, dreading the rest. He's making efforts but he'll NEVER ever say i was wrong, i'm sorry etc... and list his wrongs...(Sent me a text once appologizing for being grumpy though, was well surprised). Good thing i don't really care as long as he shows it in acts (he's an acts person, also why i'm not really good to show him i care since what is important to him is acts and i'm a verbal person if you guys had not noticed lol...). So i'll never get anything said to me now other than criticism, and i have to do lots of acts...and i'm supposed to notice he cares through acts and whatever i say he doesn't care. Yep, let's see how it works...

Whatever happens lots to be learnt.

I'm slightly exagerating here, but the start - at least, is going to be tough...Good thing i'm not one to flee a challenge.

Thanks again for the comments.

u have to take it in doses and keep a balance to your life, even in a time where u feel ye are reading from different books altogether. u guys have big individual challenges along with your challenge as a couple.

take it slow and encourage each other to grow as a couple. instead of investing energy measuring what you give and recieve in the relationship. make your foundation out of love and respect, just give as much as you can, take responsability for your own happiness, invest heavily in the relationship, have faith that your partner will do likewise.