Should I move home?

LegacyUser

I'm considering moving back in with my widowed mother, she's getting on a bit, and needs someone around to keep an eye on her. I'm desperately short of money too, and it would help me to get on top of bills a bit, if I let my own place. At the moment, I am living hand to mouth, as my salary doesn't cover debts I carried over from a business failure some time ago. So it's win-win, I manage to start saving a few bob and get on my feet, and my mother has me around to help out and keep her company. It was her suggestion.

Just one problem. As a single thirtysomething guy, am I effectively closing the door on any chance of a relationship with a girl by doing this? At the moment, I don't date girls, as I work a lot, and my debts mean there is no money for evenings out, excursions, other than simply eating the bare minimum. I don't drink, and couldn't afford to if I did. Moving in with my mother would ease the money problems tremendously, for the first time in nearly ten years I'd have a few bob in my pocket, save for a simple holiday or just be able to relax a bit. But I imagine, as my mother gets on a bit, and becomes even more reliant on me, that I would have little option to move back out again later.

There seems to be a 'mammie's boy' syndrome about it, which is not the case, I am my own man, my own home, good job except for long hours, one failed business venture behind me that I am paying a heavy price for, and I am well used to doing my own ironing and cooking, I am totally self sufficient. I'd be doing a lot of things for my mother that presently she struggles alone with.

But I'd like a relationship of my own, and my only fear is that I'll scupper that by tying myself to my mother. Any opinions?

Emme

Willie Dewitt wrote: »

I'm considering moving back in with my widowed mother, she's getting on a bit, and needs someone around to keep an eye on her. I'm desperately short of money too, and it would help me to get on top of bills a bit, if I let my own place. At the moment, I am living hand to mouth, as my salary doesn't cover debts I carried over from a business failure some time ago. So it's win-win, I manage to start saving a few bob and get on my feet, and my mother has me around to help out and keep her company. It was her suggestion.

Just one problem. As a single thirtysomething guy, am I effectively closing the door on any chance of a relationship with a girl by doing this? At the moment, I don't date girls, as I work a lot, and my debts mean there is no money for evenings out, excursions, other than simply eating the bare minimum. I don't drink, and couldn't afford to if I did. Moving in with my mother would ease the money problems tremendously, for the first time in nearly ten years I'd have a few bob in my pocket, save for a simple holiday or just be able to relax a bit. But I imagine, as my mother gets on a bit, and becomes even more reliant on me, that I would have little option to move back out again later.

There seems to be a 'mammie's boy' syndrome about it, which is not the case, I am my own man, my own home, good job except for long hours, one failed business venture behind me that I am paying a heavy price for, and I am well used to doing my own ironing and cooking, I am totally self sufficient. I'd be doing a lot of things for my mother that presently she struggles alone with.

But I'd like a relationship of my own, and my only fear is that I'll scupper that by tying myself to my mother. Any opinions?

There shouldn't be a problem if you move in for a finite period of time - say a year and then get a place of your own. Most women would understand that the recession has affected people's standard of living - at least you tried a business and you've learned from your mistakes.

I would be concerned that your mother would get dependent on you - you say she struggles alone with certain things. That would make it hard for you to move out and might compromise a relationship. It was her suggestion that you move in which was good of her but how would she feel about you having a partner? Would she be willing to let you have your partner stay overnight?

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

I would be concerned that your mother would get dependent on you - you say she struggles alone with certain things. That would make it hard for you to move out and might compromise a relationship. It was her suggestion that you move in which was good of her but how would she feel about you having a partner? Would she be willing to let you have your partner stay overnight?

Oh there'd be no problem there, my mother is reasonably ok about that I'm sure, but realistically, what girl would want to have a relationship where three people are involved, especially an Irish mammy???

Neyite

i dont think it sounds bad. i think it sounds admirable. when i met my OH, i was doing a lot of caring for an elderly parent. i spent part of my week at home to help, and he comes from a family that had his nan living with them. he was totally understanding. its assumed in our relationship that we will move the folks into ours when they get too frail to look out for them. if he had been caring for a relative when i met him i would have seen a guy who is mature, caring, kind, and with strong family values.

now my help is no longer needed i feel priviliged that i could care for my parent until the end. not easy to do at times, and i missed a lot of nights out, but now i have all the nights out in the world, and missing my dad.

granted, you might not be able to bring a different one home every night of the week - but as long as your mum is ok with it, and you explain that to your date it might be fine. maybe a daytime cuppa to meet your mum first before they meet in the hall in the morning!

Beruthiel

Willie Dewitt wrote: »

Oh there'd be no problem there, my mother is reasonably ok about that I'm sure, but realistically, what girl would want to have a relationship where three people are involved, especially an Irish mammy???

I think your situation is different.
Someone who's never left home and depends on their Ma for everything is a very different thing to someone who moved back to the family home because their mother had no one else to rely on and is in need of a certain amount of care.

Now, if your Ma is happy for you to be bringing people home to do the wild thing, then it could work.
Is the family home big enough for you to turn one of the bedrooms into your own personal living room?
That way you have a bedroom and a little living room for entertaining and thus, anyone staying over, would at least have very little contact with your Ma.

If you do move back in, set the ground rules with your Ma first.

AngryBadger

Neyite wrote: »

i dont think it sounds bad. i think it sounds admirable.

Have to concur with this OP.

If you meet the right woman she's not going to bat an eyelid at you sharing a domicile with your mother.

As you said yourself it would be advantageous for both yourself and your mother, saving you money while you sort things out, and giving her much needed support. Which is totally distinct from someone who has lived at home with mammy and daddy their entire life and therefore experienced a stunted emotional maturity.

Also your mother has suggested it, which indicates to me that she would take comfort in having you around. I think you're to be applauded for that more than anything else.

Best of luck!

AngryBadger

Willie Dewitt wrote: »

Oh there'd be no problem there, my mother is reasonably ok about that I'm sure, but realistically, what girl would want to have a relationship where three people are involved, especially an Irish mammy???

Just noticed this line, (thought it was someone else and not the OP); as I see it the issue where somebody is trying top pursue a relationship while sharing a roof with parent(s) is more to do with emotional maturity than anything else. If someone has never lived away from home and they're in their thirties, it suggests a lack of maturity, since there are certain kinds of emotional development that can only happen when someone is out in the world fending for themselves.

The difficulty for people who are back home after losing a job, or experiencing some kind of setback in life is that other people, who perhaps don't know their full background tend to assume this person is back home mooching off the parents as though they'd never left, without making any real effort to understand what's happening.

IMO anyone who makes a blanket assumption like that without actually engaging with you is not someone you'd be able to have a relationship with anyway. I mean what other uninformed assumptions are they going to blindly accept as fact?

And let's not forget, any relationship you have with anyone, whether living back home or not, is going to involve your family to same greater or lesser degree, (lesser I'll grant you when living away from home but you get my point!).

mrsdewinter

I think this situation is going to be more and more common in the next couple of years, so I think you'll find potential OHs far more open-minded than you expect.
I guess the best advice would be to maintain your independence as much as you can, without treating your mother's home like a hotel.
And if your timeframe for moving out doesn't materialise, don't panic.
A friend of a friend met her husband while he was caring for his aged father. She, like me, was impressed that he was manning up to his family responsibilities.
Good luck