Right mind or right person?

LegacyUser

Ok, so im going to try and put this as simply as i can.
Bit of backfround story - my boyfriend of just over a year recently broke up with me. I didn't see it coming, i genuinely thought things were great between us, and feel a bit of a fool for it now. The thing is, he still cared alot for me when breaking up, and i know it was hard for him to do, because he didnt want to hurt me. There wasn't necessarily any big problems in our relationship that caused the break up, it was more to do with him having doubts and feeling that he didnt love me anymore. And hard as that was to hear, there's nothing i can do to change it.

I had a conversation with a friend recently, who told me that if he had met his current girlfriend a year ago, he wouldnt have been able to have a relationship with her, because no matter who he met, at the time he wasnt ready for a relationship. He couldnt seem to commit for whatever reason. I asked was it not more to do with meeting the right person as opposed to being ready. But he said if he had met even a year before, it wouldnt have worked. Thing is, I recognise parts of this in my ex boyfriend, i think he's not at a point where he's in the right frame of mind for a relationship for whatever reason. Or maybe i just wasnt right for him? I dont know. Im not trying to convince myself he's the problem, and that we were meant to be or anything like that, i dont hold hope for getting back with him and ive accepted how things are now. The whole thing has just got me thinking, thats all.

For fear ive made it sound like im looking to settle down and have babies, let me be clear, im not! Im only 26, still plenty id like to do yet, and tbh i didnt dwell on the future or where things were headed, i was just happy with him and loved him, so i never worried.

So basically, I'd just like to know what people think. Is it to do with being "ready" for a relationship, being in a certain state of mind, or simply meeting the right person?

Faith

It's an impossible question to answer, as it depends entirely on the person. But often I think it's simply a maturity issue. In my case, my ex had had a series of relationships that all ended at the 1.5/2 year mark. Ours was no different. One day we were merrily talking about the future, the next he was breaking up with me. He told me that it was all the chat about the future that made him wonder if he was happy. Stripping it all down, basically I think he panicked about settling down. He's in his late 20's, I'm in my early 20's, there was no rush, but we were certainly heading in a definite direction. I think he knew he either had to properly commit, or finish things - and he took the easy way out.

I do think if you meet the right person, all that goes out the window. But it does have to happen at the right time. I had a friend who, at 18, fell in love with a 28 year old. They were together for a year and were madly in love, but broke up because they were at completely different stages of life. She insists that if they met later in life, they'd have gotten married.

So honestly, I don't think anyone can answer your question. It depends on so many things, unfortunately.

AnonMous

Hey Op,

Sorry to hear your story. I have been in the same situation as you. As in, I was going out with a girl a few years ago and was crazy about her and she was crazy about me. I got the impression she wasn't as into me as I was into her.

Anyway, we broke up 3 1/2 years ago and it was because she wasn't ready for a relationship. We didn't speak for along time after the break up but are fairly good friends now. But, I am still madly in love with her. My only regret in life is that me and her didn't meet later in life as we make a really good couple. Other people even say so, it is so frustrating.

So, to answer your question, I think it is all about being ready to be in a relationship. If you meet someone you are crazy about when you are ready for it, your destined for a great relationship.

Hope this helps.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies guys.

It helps to know people are/have been in similar situations. Same pattern seems to have happened with my ex - he seemed to hit the year or so mark with past girlfriends, then he ends it, so i probably shouldnt have convinced myself it'd be any different with me - you dont tend to think that way when you think you're on to a good thing though.
Even though i didnt really consciously think of the future etc, i suppose part of me just took it for granted, cause i dont tend to get into a relationship easily, for fear of being hurt. This was the first time i had fully let myself be sucked in, and i didnt think of what it'd be like if it ended - maybe because didnt think it would, or maybe cos i just didnt want it to.
I do like to think that when you meet the right person, all the other stuff doesnt matter and things just fall together. But maybe im just being a romantic. Obv timing is important too - but i dont think its the deal breaker of being with/not being with someone. It's just a factor, like so many other things?
Mostly i just worry now that i wont feel the same about anyone else, that ill never have again what i had with him. Bit dramatic, i know, but i cant help feeling that way. I kind of just feel numb now, and cant imagine getting so close to anyone again. I know people say it takes time, but im usually quite a happy person and like to have a positive outlook, so i hate the fact that i feel so numb. It's like i cant just be me anymore.

Overheal

Mostly i just worry now that i wont feel the same about anyone else, that ill never have again what i had with him.

Every relationship is inherently unique. You may never have the same cocktail of feelings or emotions or experiences with another guy - That does not in any way mean what you do experience and feel for someone else won't be a thousand times more incredible. Don't dwell, look forward with anticipation. There are many slices of life and I've already forgotten what I ate on tuesday.

LegacyUser

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years ago over a year ago and tbh i still sometimes worry it was the wrong thing to do, and that ill never feel that way again. Obviously it doesnt play on my mind now nearly as much as it used to, and the worry most definately does lessen overtime, just sometimes when a date doesnt go well, or if i get sick of trying to meet new people, i miss him and think of how i felt with him. And feel sad that that feeling's gone.

In terms of it being a case of meeting the right person or not, i think every person and situation differ. I now feel if i had met my ex boyfriend at a different time, things could have worked out for us. However, its not good to dwell on these things. As cliche as it sounds, whats meant to be, will be. You've said you've accepted how things are now, and that's the best possible thing u can do. Accept the situation and try to move on from it. It's not easy and it does take time, but try to keep your positive outlook and better things will come.