Confused about love!

LegacyUser

Was out last night for a second date, had high hopes after the first date going so well. In the end i had a good night, not amazing, just good. wasn't sure how i felt about the girl after that date was over.

Anyway when i got home, i was a bit subdued and i stupidly logged onto facebook and searched my ex's pages. We broke up two years ago after 5 years together. I knew she was expecting a baby with her now bf, and when i looked on the page i saw pictures of her and all her family with the baby all looking very happy. I know it was a stupid to look at her page, dunno why i did it tbh. But as you can imagine, coming home subdued from a date that i had high hopes for and then seeing those pics, kinda made me sad.

Like i said, i know it was my own fault for going on her page, i will get over that and will stop myself from doing it again when i am feeling a bit down. That was a stupid move on my part. My question is, do you ever really get over your first love? I have been on lots and lots of dates over the last 2 years. I try approach them all with an open mind and would never compare any girl to my ex. I just know when i started dating my ex, i was really excited about it. I was excited about her, excited about seeing her again, i loved being in her company when we met, i loved trying to think of new places to go. I havent had that feeling with any girl i have met in the last two years. Some girls have been really nice, don't get me wrong, and we have got on very well. So i dunno what is holding me back but there is something. I am starting to feel like i will never find someone again that i loved like i did the ex. Friends are all getting married and having kids and i really really want that too, but i cant seem to find anyone that i am really crazy about. Maybe that is the problem though, maybe i am looking for something that is not there, maybe i got lucky once and fell for someone i was crazy about but maybe it does not always happen like that. And if it doesn't happen like that, how much time to i give someone to see if it is going anywhere?

Apologies for this, i am sure "first love" posts have been done loads of times, just wanted to get this off my chest, cause feel a bit down this morning. I don't want to mess this new girl about if i am not feeling it for her but i also am unsure if maybe i should just give it some more time because she seems like a nice girl.

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

To me it sounds like you aren't totally over your ex. Are you still friendly with her? I ask because if not, you could block her from your FB account. From what I've been told you can do this and the person totally disappears from it. You can unblock them later if/when you're ready.
Blocking her would ensure that you can't go looking at her page or any content on it.

As for the being lucky that you found someone you were crazy about? You can find that again. It may take some time or you could meet her tomorrow. Try not to focus on it, keep busy and it will happen when it's meant to.

Maybe give this current girl one more shot. You said the first date went well but the second date was a bit of a let down. I would give her one more shot to see how this one pans out. She may have been nervous or had a bad week, all contributing to the bad atmosphere.

Good luck OP!

LegacyUser

hi contessa, thanks for reply.

to answer your question, i am not still friendly with my ex, the break up wasnt bad or anything like that, she just wanted different things, it happens. removed her from facebook friends a long time ago and we haven't spoke in months. she knew i was hurt when we finished and i knew it was best for me personally not to keep in contact. so, last night i diidnt exactly search her out, i was on a mutual friends page, i saw a comment, clicked on it (knowing i shouldnt) and next thing i was looking at pics of her and her baby and family, all people i got on very well with.

and ye, i agree, it may take time to find someone new to love, but it is 2 years now, i have had chances, but for one reason or another i have let them pass. i have given people chances too but there is still something inside me saying no, i dont have that feeling for them. and when that happens, i automatically think about what i did feel like when i met my ex. and wonder, will i ever have it again.

friends are asking me have i met someone, i'm going to weddings alone, at times i feel like my life can't progress as i'd like it without having a partner. all stupid thoughts that pass as quickly as then come into my head, but it does get you down sometimes!!!

newtothis2010

confused2010 wrote: »

hi contessa, thanks for reply.

to answer your question, i am not still friendly with my ex, the break up wasnt bad or anything like that, she just wanted different things, it happens. removed her from facebook friends a long time ago and we haven't spoke in months. she knew i was hurt when we finished and i knew it was best for me personally not to keep in contact. so, last night i diidnt exactly search her out, i was on a mutual friends page, i saw a comment, clicked on it (knowing i shouldnt) and next thing i was looking at pics of her and her baby and family, all people i got on very well with.

and ye, i agree, it may take time to find someone new to love, but it is 2 years now, i have had chances, but for one reason or another i have let them pass. i have given people chances too but there is still something inside me saying no, i dont have that feeling for them. and when that happens, i automatically think about what i did feel like when i met my ex. and wonder, will i ever have it again.

friends are asking me have i met someone, i'm going to weddings alone, at times i feel like my life can't progress as i'd like it without having a partner. all stupid thoughts that pass as quickly as then come into my head, but it does get you down sometimes!!!

hey Op

I've been there, date doesn't work out how you hoped and ya go home and find a way to see the ex... so I stopped that, I have 1 or 2 female friends so I tell em when I'm going on the date and when I get home they get a phone call, esp if the high hopes were dashed... I get it out of my system, they get to do the girly thing and analyse what went wrong and I realise thats one less person I'm gonna have to 'interview' for the position of partner!!

on the fb thing as an aside.. just remember, pictures are a moment in time.. don't be thinking she has a better life than you just cos she smiling in them.. there could be 101 things going on in the background..

BUT thats neither here nor there.. you seem a bit down about things, ok, so date 2 didn't work out, perhaps go with contessa and if date is into it give it a 3rd try??? as pointed out there could be a load of things had happened date that she ain't gonna share with ya on date 2, remember she was trying to put on best face too but perhaps she couldn't..

as to previous chances, you let them pass because you weren't ready, when that happens me I just reckon the Gods were looking down at me and telling me to keep moving cos 'the one' is further down the road!..

a goodly portion of my friends have gotten married now and are breeding like rabbits and ya know what I finally LOVE attending weddings/occasions on my own, no having to make sure oh is happy and enjoying herself, plus theres always the brucey bonus that someone on the other side will have a cute cousin or 2!!.. don't be in a rush to keep up with the joneses, your day will come sir, think of all the good things you have right now..

theres no rule book on how long this will take before you feel that spark again, but just know that when you DO feel it (and you will), these 2 years of drifting and wondering will vanish in a second.... for me, thats what I'm looking forward to! in the meantime don't compromise on what you are looking for, if you want fireworks when you're eyes meet for the first time, don't settle for less...

it'll come to you in good time.. don't give up on believing that!

LegacyUser

thanks newtothis for reply,

see i know everything your saying is correct, i just feel that everytime i go back to square one it gets harder. i am not brad pitt by any means, very normal decent fella i think and people like me for that. what i am saying is, i am not exactly knocking girls back left right and centre but i have had a slow and steady stream of dates along the way the last 2 years. so when i do find myself back at square one, it means another month or two until the next person comes along...and the in between time gets harder each time.

maybe i am being too picky, i dunno. i just want that feeling of properly falling for someone again and everything that comes with it....im becoming more and more concious that maybe it might not.

i probably wont feel like this at all tomorrow and my outlook will be more positive, it is just how i am feeling at the moment.

newtothis2010

confused2010 wrote: »

thanks newtothis for reply,

see i know everything your saying is correct, i just feel that everytime i go back to square one it gets harder. i am not brad pitt by any means, very normal decent fella i think and people like me for that. what i am saying is, i am not exactly knocking girls back left right and centre but i have had a slow and steady stream of dates along the way the last 2 years. so when i do find myself back at square one, it means another month or two until the next person comes along...and the in between time gets harder each time.

maybe i am being too picky, i dunno. i just want that feeling of properly falling for someone again and everything that comes with it....im becoming more and more concious that maybe it might not.

i probably wont feel like this at all tomorrow and my outlook will be more positive, it is just how i am feeling at the moment.

i hear ya OP.. isn't it great to be blessed with feelings and emotions and such like! NOT.. but all joking aside, I've been at this too for 18 months now, finally found a date worth writing home about and am on this fine balancing act of what to do when to do it...

but I know those periods in between dates is hard, and in fairness a slow steady stream is a healthy thing, as opposed to randomly copping off with whoever every weekend (which I did too for a while.. not my finest hour!)

in saying that those in between periods were great to sit back, figure out what wasn't right with date and go again, its all a learning curve for us..

as to being too picky, if you're looking for someone to spend a portion of your life with you can never be too picky... but you know all this!..

chin up, someday someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it didn't work out with anyone else...

AngryBadger

OP it's been said already, but it's worth saying again (and Sa help me but I love saying it ).

We all experience times where we lament old relationships regardless of how good/bad/indifferent they actually were. When things are difficult we tend to look back with rose-tinted glasses and feel like we made some horrible mistake. The reality though is that we've usually made the right move in ending things, but it's hard to see that when you're feeling lonely, and more than a little despondent about the chances of meeting someone new.

Something else worth thinking about; we all have a tendency to be "stuck" in the now, we wallow in what's past and allow it define what's to come when in fact it's less likely we'll make the same mistakes again in the future, and so more likely that we'll get it right.

I guess what I'm saying is you had good reasons for ending things with the ex, and those reasons are not invalidated just because she's with someone else now, that person was just more compatible, it's not a reflection on you at all.

Give the third date a try, sure why not? if you had a laugh on the last date at the very least you'll have a laugh at the next, and who couldn't use a good laugh on a night out?

Overheal

confused2010 wrote: »

hi contessa, thanks for reply.

to answer your question, i am not still friendly with my ex, the break up wasnt bad or anything like that, she just wanted different things, it happens. removed her from facebook friends a long time ago and we haven't spoke in months. she knew i was hurt when we finished and i knew it was best for me personally not to keep in contact. so, last night i diidnt exactly search her out, i was on a mutual friends page, i saw a comment, clicked on it (knowing i shouldnt) and next thing i was looking at pics of her and her baby and family, all people i got on very well with.

and ye, i agree, it may take time to find someone new to love, but it is 2 years now, i have had chances, but for one reason or another i have let them pass. i have given people chances too but there is still something inside me saying no, i dont have that feeling for them. and when that happens, i automatically think about what i did feel like when i met my ex. and wonder, will i ever have it again.

friends are asking me have i met someone, i'm going to weddings alone, at times i feel like my life can't progress as i'd like it without having a partner. all stupid thoughts that pass as quickly as then come into my head, but it does get you down sometimes!!!

I'm open for abuse by asking this, but do you think you might be able to resolve the issues surrounding your ex by getting back in touch? I would think you would be congratulatory that she's found happiness and has a new baby. Perhaps by wishing her well you can send-off all of those harbored feelings you appear to be latching on to.

LegacyUser

Hi Overheal,

i can see what you are saying. maybe i am wrong on how i am feeling about this, maybe i do still have feelings for the ex.....but to be honest i dont think i do. what i do have, is feelings for wanting to be in love again. and i am questioning whether i will ever feel like that again.

put it this way, if i was happily going out with someone, i would have no problem contacting her and wishing her all the best in her future and offering her congratualation on her new arrival. but i am not happily going out with someone....and she is the last person i really had strong feelings for. if i contact her....i could be liable to say something stupid because i miss that feeling of being with someone.....i dont want to put myself in that situation.

so yes, i do have feelings for her.....but not a harbouring to get back with her......!!!!! it is more the fact, will i ever feel for someone again like i felt for her....or was she the one and i messed it up.....and now i will never feel like that for someone again?

Overheal

In that case she might actually be one of the best people to talk to.

jurgenscarl

You are definitely putting your ex on a pedestal.
Instead of remembering the good times you have to try and remember what went wrong and then you have see that it ended because it was not a perfect relationship and she was not the perfect girl.
She was your 'first love' but nothing more than that.
Pining after her and looking back with nostalgia that only focuses on the good times and not on the bad times means you are failing to see the opportunities that exist in the here and now.
You have been out with lots of other girl and who knows if you hadn't been looking back those relationships might have been even better than your 'first love'?
You are always judging new women in your life based on a fake version of a girl who has moved on - she has a partner and a child.
Most likely she has forgotten about you long ago.
You need to look into the future and your happiness.
You have not been approaching girls with an open mind.
You have been trying to find a replacement for this imaginary goddess you have on a pedestal.
When these new girls fail to measure up you are dumping them and moving on still pining after this girl you left behind.
You are not going to meet anyone like for the simple reason that she is just one girl.
Other women are all different from eachother.
If you had your 'first love' with another girl you would be pining after her instead with a different type of princess on a pedestal.
Perhaps if you met this girl later than you did the relationship might have ended the same way the relationships with these other women did.

Distorted

I've been pondering this issue for a while too and I'm not sure theres any answer. I've come to the conclusion, rightly or wrongly, that most people get together and get married and have kids and the whole shebang because they want the same things, because it means they no longer have to do the searching and dating thing and while it might not be true love, its workable. Then you have a minority of others, some of who do find the right one and are happy and some of whom it doesn't work out, or its unrequited.

If you think of what love is, its basically a combination of chemical and hormonal responses of which adrenalin plays quite a big part at the beginning which then through bonding develops into something more substantial. But basically its akin to madness. So being in love is like being a bit mad, irrational, etc..

So unfortunatley when someone has been proven to be bad for you, you can't listen to advice just to walk away and find someone else, because love means accepting someone's faults, etc..

In short, I think you're still in love with your ex. Maybe you could try hypnotherapy. Maybe you should just remain single until you meet that special someone who stays in your mind as much as she did. Some people don't have high expectations of love. Maybe you have higher expectations of it than some of your friends.

If you think your'e bad, I'm a worse case. I'm in love with a gay man (I made a post about this a week ago and its been confirmed by a mutual male friend - peeps on here who spotted it from what I wrote were spot on). To make it worse, I'm very attractive and have turned down various other seemingly "eligible" men, so people can't understand it and I do believe they've wondered if I'm gay (I'm not). Its ****. But I still think I prefer it than trundling though life half asleep for the sake of "fitting in".

InTheTrees

confused2010 wrote: »

I know it was a stupid to look at her page, dunno why i did it tbh.

You went and checked on her because you'd just had the second of two good dates and you wanted to see whether she was doing better or worse than you were.

Time to move on.