Kissed a Friend and Now everything is a mess

LegacyUser

Have a very close female friend, we've been close since secondary school back at home, kept in good touch all through college and we've both ended up in Dublin working. I've always had certain feelings for her but always dismissed them as some sort of confusion with close friendship, on a few drunk occasions we'd come close to doing something but always backed away (truth be told usually when she was drunk and when I had to be the one to back away despite me having these feelings).

She's been involved in a few long term relationships one of which she is still in and very settled. Has a place with her fella who is a financial high flier in Dublin and a lovely fella too (despite me wanting to hate him !)

She's a real outgoing very good looking girl, I'd be well quieter and well lets just say more John Hayes than Brian O'Driscoll. Truth be told she's well out of my league and that was actually a real comfort to me. Knowing that she was out of reach and had a boyfriend didnt cause me to be pining after her. She'd often talk to me about how much I mean to her etc but

All fine for a number of years until recently when we were both having a serious talk about lots of things in a dublin wine bar (hence my loose chat!) I let her know about the feelings I have for her. She didnt react the way I thought she would. She pretty much said she felt the same but the situation wasnt right for anything to happen...which was fine except we went back to my place and talked some more and ended kissing and fooling around. Next day I felt awful stupid. I texted her and said sorry for what happened and we agreed to forget about it. I found it so hard to believe that I felt almost as though she felt sorry for me and was able to put it aside.

Since then she rings me quite a lot when she's pissed or late at night. Usually the same type of things said; she has the same feelings, she feels we never resolved issues after kiss, that she loves me like I love her. We've also kissed once more since when we were both hammered but after that she took the bull by the horns told me that what we were doing was seriously wrong that we'd have to stop or just stop being friends. I agreed and things on a certain level are fine but I just cant bring myself to fully get over it. Kissing her in the first place was a terrible idea but having done it I cant stop thinking about it.

Any suggestions. Tried booze and it does not appear to work a solution.

newtothis2010

ok this isn't unsolvable imo... I'm not getting into 'fooling around with another man's woman'... its clear ye have known each other a goodly portion of your life and whilst I kinda feel for the boyf, thats not your issue at the moment.

You wanna know how to get over this, forget about the kiss and move on with your life now I imagine. It'll take some effort esp since you've always had a thing for her... theres 2 ways to look at it I think,
1. Keep it the way it is, spend the time with her as a friend and never ever act on those feelings again regardless how much drink is taken... doesn't sound doable at the moment though?
2. Start to distance yourselves, nothing major, not complete cut off of contact, but limit it, back out a small bit, don't put yourselves in the bar together late at night with nobody else around, or back at your place, start to get out yourself without her and socialise and see who you meet, over a period of time the disaster that you currently have on your mind will fade...

she also needs space and time so give it to her, she has issues with her relationship, so maybe she needs to sit back and look at where she is in her relationship and if its any good for her, but having you there as a shoulder and a nice snog at the end of the night is an ego boost for her too (leaving the feelings out of it). You'll need to tell her not to ring you at night and if she does, don't answer, tough but you can do it! This behaviour isn't acceptable to you now... ya gotta be adamant about that.

its not the worst thing in the world OP, and it IS solvable, perhaps to your satisfaction but perhaps not, either way you seem decent enough and you want to make things right, at least for your own sanity, so you gotta be the one take the bull by the horns and do it..

and OP, I'd rather be John Hayes anyday, he's dependable, he's always got your back and if it wasn't for guys like him the game wouldn't be worth playing.. and he ALWAYS gets picked in the end!...

pretty boy is just very good at taking the credit...

Taltos

+1 all of the above

But.. let her know why you are distancing yourself...
If she feels the same - then she will end it with her BF.
If not - you need to protect yourself - and keep in mind it will never go back to how it was so don't try fooling yourselves there.

DON't give her an ultimatum. But do let her know that you are NOT sorry you kissed. Key thing is to remove the pressure so she can figure out how she feels - it might have all come as a shock and she needs time - just not too much.

In the meantime take a step back - but communicate why.

kenbrady

[SIZE=-1]OP the only problem you have is your lack of confidence.

You have this woman, but are afraid to take her.

I know lots of successful, super hot, out going woman, who are terribly insecure. And think men only want them because they are hot, don't love them for the woman they really are inside.

She told you she feels the same way. You backing off makes her think you don't want her. She probably thinks you are out of her league.
Tell her you want her, tell her to dump her boyfriend and be your girlfriend.

It's that simple, this is real life not a game. If you want her go get her, do it strong, no wimping around.
She is not out of your league unless you make her out of your league by acting inferior.[/SIZE]

SarahSassy

Is she still with yer man?

Wibbs

Well the fact the OP stated she's in a stable longtermer and living together would suggest she is.

My 2 cents? Don't sweat about the boyfriend too much over the one incident. He's not your mate, so you owe him nothing on that score. I would smell a whiff of some level of BS on her part though. Shes told you(when drunk it seems) that she loves you, feels the same etc etc. Then you get touchy feely but that the situation wasnt right. Then the late night calls etc. My humble is her and him went through a bad patch. She lost a bit of that loving feeling, so transferred it onto you. The long term male friend who also came out with the fact you liked her. This fufilled her needs for a while, but she felt guilty, reconnected with high flier live in boyfriend and cut it out. Fair enough.

So now what do you do? I'd say you're not gonna get much peace until you get some distance from her. She kinda said similar "we'd have to stop or just stop being friends". I reckon you need to disconnect from each other until you lose the gra for her. Or it gets down to a manageable level. Otherwise you'll both be picking at an open wound. You more than her as she has her boyfriend.

Overheal

cantgetoverit wrote: »

Any suggestions. Tried booze and it does not appear to work a solution.

None of that.


Been there, done that. Do not.




Anything I say is only going to wind you up I think, cos I'm pullin for ya. But purely from what you've told me [if you could expand on this] does she love the guy or is he just the well-kept, high flyer good-provider man of convenience? I can't disagree with Wibbs' take but I'd also offer the possibility that she can't bring herself to leave that relationship because it hits so many of the right buttons except perhaps the big one with the L on it.

Wibbs

Overheal wrote: »

But purely from what you've told me [if you could expand on this] does she love the guy or is he just the well-kept, high flyer good-provider man of convenience? I can't disagree with Wibbs' take but I'd also offer the possibility that she can't bring herself to leave that relationship because it hits so many of the right buttons except perhaps the big one with the L on it.

Could very well be. Or it was once the whole L word, but if they're 3 or 4 years together, the actual future with him is looming and in some way she finds him wanting and that triggered her feelings for you, or just the feeling she might have options and you were one of them? If she's described him as I dunno a workaholic or a bit distant in the past r whatever well that's what's troubling her or did trouble her. If you're very different from him in whatever this is you're gonna look more attractive. She has some romantic feeling for you or that potential is there IMHO. I mean Ive women mates and some have gone through the three year itch, even got it scratched, but not with me. They'd confide in me like mates, but that was that. No tongue fencing thats for sure.

Victor

Is she single now?

Good Advice

hey op...this girl seems confused and i think she is afraid of her feelings at the moment,bt as she is in a relationship she may feel happy and settled so she might not want to risk starting up something with you incase it doesnt work out imo...and also as not to ruin a friendship(may be already ruined)

jurgenscarl

You seem to be depending on alcohol as a crutch before you get intimate with her. You need to ask yourself why that is.
You obviously have had feeling for her for a long time and didn't act on it because as you say you are more John Hayes than BOD.
Have you ever looked at pictures of BOD? Unless he was a rugby player, famous and had most importantly had oodles of self-belief and charisma would a woman like Amy Huberman have married him? Doubtful. Drico is the guy he is because he believes in himself.
The point I'm trying to make is that the problem is all with you - you use drink to loosen your inhibitions, you have chickened out of going for a woman who should have been there for the taking and you lack in confidence and have a poor image of yourself.
Attracting women has nothing to do with looks. It's all about charisma, personality and a happy go lucky easy going approach to life.
You are the only person holding you back.
This girl is in a relationship which is why she is confused and pulled in two directions.
If you value your friendship with her trying it on might well damage it permanently and also ruin a relationship that might be more viable than anything between you and her.
What you need to consider doing is backing off and looking for someone else.
Go out, without using drink as a crutch, and start approaching more women and dating more women.
After you have gone out with other people then you might consider whether this girl is worth all the bother or whether you have been putting her on a pedestal?

HavingCrack

Never say a person is out of your league, its such a self depreciating attitude. The only way a woman is out of your league is if you make her in your mind.

The rest of your situation is a bit black and white in my book. Decide if you want to just stay friends in which case make it clear to her that the late night phone calls and the rest of the carry on etc have to stop or else make a proper romantic move on her, tell her its you or the boyfriend and its time she made up her mind.