Confused

LegacyUser

Hi All

Here is my story.
Was going out with a guy for 4 years and it all ended last Oct. We were on a night out and he got really drunk so when we came home he went straight to bed while I pottered about taking off my makeup etc. When I went to bed he turned his back to me and he had his phone held tightly in his hand, he was fighting sleep just to check his phone. I know I shouldnt have done this and I tried to resist but I waited until he was asleep and took his phone and there is was texts to an ex of his saying "Its you I really want Sexy". I was completely heartbroken, I just left him sleeping and went to the spare room. In the morning I asked him to get his things and go, and he blamed the drink.

He spent the next few weeks drinking and then every few weeks he would go on a drink binge. When every he has any problems he turns to drink.

So in March this year I met this lovely guy and started going out. When my ex heard this he then again turned to drink and I felt responsible so I tried to get him back on the straight & narrow.
I have been seeing this guy since and he is absolutely lovely, very good looking, so kind, loving and it is plain to be seen he is craxy about me. The thing is I still think about my ex and he started going to AA toward the end of March so I would contact him every week to see how it was all going for him, but then at the weekend he started drinking again.

Everyone keeps telling me he isnt coping with the breakup and thats why hes drinking and that makes me feel responsible.

I dont know what to do. Do I stop seeing my new guy? Will I regret this? Or do I just try to block my Ex out of my life and see how things with new guy goes?

All suggestions and comments welcome please.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

Op – When you play football you do so aware you might break a leg. When you drive a car you do so aware you might crash.

When you get in a relationship you do so knowing it might not work out.

The relationship did not work out. It happens. If the guy can not cope with the break up then this is not your fault, nor have you anything to feel guilty or responsible for in it. We go into relationships knowing this might happen, and if it does we need to deal with it when we come out.

We of course should feel sympathy for him. Many of us have been hurt in relationships and many of us know how he feels. Our hearts go out to him, though of course our sympathy is reduced by the fact that it was him that was continuing an inappropriate discussion with the ex.

But there is a wide wide gulf between feeling a lot of sympathy and helping if we can… and feeling responsible.

Your responsibility now is to your current relationship and the current guy, and to the happiness of both you and him. That’s priority 1. IF you can do this AND lend some help and assistance to the ex, then why not. It is a nice thing to do.

However the second you start doing that to the detriment of your current relationship, or your own happiness, is the second you have gone to far. He is not your problem anymore.

As I opened with, you can break your leg playing football. Your team mates should help you out as much as they can to get through that, but it is neither their fault nor their problem at the end of the day. It should not affect THEIR football, and they certainly should not be considering not playing because you can not play.

Similarly help out if you can, but keep playing for yourself too.

jessiejam

Ex trouble wrote: »

Hi All
When every he has any problems he turns to drink.


Everyone keeps telling me he isnt coping with the breakup and thats why hes drinking and that makes me feel responsible.

QUOTE]

What was his excuse for drinking when ye were together? He obv has other issues with alcohol.

You can't help someone with a drink problem if they don't want help. You are not responsible for his actions. He is a grown up.
If you feel you are the only person he turns to, when he says he needs help, tell one of his family members about it, and move on with your own life.
You've met someone new and seem very happy with him. don't let that slip out of your fingers. You will look back in years to come still trying to help someone with an alcohol problem, and regret it.

Best of luck

Taltos

I don't think you are being fair to your new relationship - simple as.

Break ALL contact with your EX - ALL.
His text showed how much he really respects you - regardless of him being an alcoholic or not - why would you even consider keeping someone that values you so little in your life.

Break all contact.
Let him sort out his own mess.
Think about why you are with your current - are things really all that good? i.e. why do you keep in contact with your EX - personally if I was your current BF I would be questioning your commitment - while trying to stay positive your actions would eat into my trust...

LegacyUser

Guys thanks for your replies. It really does help hearing others thoughts and opinions.

If I'm honest I still have feelings for my ex and my current boyfdiend is great and at times I found myself having so much fun with him that my ex dosent enter my head.

I have tried my best to help my ex out in the past but it never works so I think its time I let him battle it alone. He's not a bad guy just that he turns to drink when things arent going rite for him. He knows how I feel about his drinking and he has choosen drink time & time again. I'm fighting a loosing battle.

I will concentrate on my current relationship more, but if I'm honest I'm not 100% sure he is for me. Have you ever found a guy that is 2 perfect, mad I know.

dublingal80

for your sake and for his, stop contacting him

you may think you are doing him good by keeping in touch but you really really arent. he needs to be able to stand on his own two feet and get on with his life, you cant be there forever with him

You breaking up with your new guy isnt going to help anyone. I promise you that

Stop texting him weekly to see how he is doing. Seriously, look after yourself. Enjoy your new relationship with this wonderful man and let your ex get on with his life. I know if my ex was texting me once a week it would be really hard to get over him

Miss Fluff

Your current boyfriend sounds like a saint! He sounds like a really good decent bloke so show him the respect due and sever ties with your ex.

While you may (misguidedly) feel a sense of responsibility for your ex, you can't do his recovery for him. Being in touch with him is only holding him back so I'd cut ties and concentrate on your relationship with your current BF.

LegacyUser

Everyone keeps telling me he isnt coping with the breakup and thats why hes drinking and that makes me feel responsible.

I dont know what to do. Do I stop seeing my new guy? Will I regret this? Or do I just try to block my Ex out of my life and see how things with new guy goes?

you are not responsible for somebody elses actions, no matter what anyone says, sometimes people like to have somebody to blame when the person close to them is hurting themselves because its easier to believe someone else is responsible than the truth - that the person they love is willingly destroying themselves.

Absolutely do not stop seeing the new guy. I think you need to completely cut all contact with your ex, as long as you are in his life, hes going to keep using you and the breakup as an excuse (to himself and to everyone else) to keep drinking.

Its not your fault. You are not responsible, hes a grown man who can make his own decisions, and suffer the consequences of those decisions. If you don't cut him out now, then he will emotionally blackmail you for the rest of your life. This is his cross to bear not yours.

Wibbs

Ex trouble wrote: »

I will concentrate on my current relationship more, but if I'm honest I'm not 100% sure he is for me. Have you ever found a guy that is 2 perfect, mad I know.

That right there for you and your new relationship is the biggest issue. Not the exes drinking or any of that. That would only be an issue if you went back to him.

If you're not 100% then you're gonna feel like your missing something. Or you'll keep the ex in the background to make up the shortfall. The easy answer would be make your bloody mind up, but it is too easy an answer.

OK IMHO? Show me someone who is in this much contact with an ex and expends this much emotional energy on them while going out with someone else, I'll show you someone who has not processed the end of the previous relationship yet. You were with the ex for 4 years. The breakup came out of a sense of betrayal so you left. Now you probably kept in pretty regular contact after. Then a very short time after you meet another bloke. Mr Perfect(probably the polar opposite to the ex too). I say a very short time, because the breakup was pretty sudden. If you had gone off the ex for a few months previous to the breakup then it wouldnt be short at all, but you didnt. So best case you're dragging the old relationship into the new. Never good.

I doubt you'll do this, but if it was me Id take a break from them both. Figure out what you actually want. YOu may find its neither of them.

jurgenscarl

If your ex-boyfriend wants to succeed with AA he needs to make a clean break from the past.
You are part of his past and your presence in his life is one of the reasons - not the only reason of course because there never is just one reason for alcoholism - why he can't let go of the past, deal with his problems and move on.
The more you intervene, however well intentioned you are, the worse you will make things.
Better to leave well enough alone.
Let him deal with his problems because his AA group are the people who can really help him.
Beside you have a new boyfriend who treats you the way you should be treated.
Leave your ex alone and get out of his life and get on with yours.
It will better for everybody in the long run.

LegacyUser

Guys thank you very much for all your comments.

Wibbs, I think what you are saying about needing a break from both of them is correct.
I need to sort my head out and decide what it is I want.

Love sucks at times