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Big Mistake?

  • 13-07-2010 3:43pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I just broke up with my boyfriend of over 4 years very recently. I hope I haven't made a big mistake, it has been on my mind for a long time. I don't think I 'love' him. Not in the same way he does for me. I can't see us being together forever, or well we could but I think my mind would wander often. I have never cheated or anything like that, but I sometimes wonder 'what if'. I don't think its fair to be thinking thoughts like these in a relationship. I have been waiting for the right time to do it, but the thing is, there is never a right time. Our situation is complicated as we live together for a long time and we have nowhere else to go. I don't want to see him upset either, it breaks my heart to see him like this, but for me, I feel little otherwise. I have a delayed reaction to bad situations maybe it will hit me soon.
    I hope I am doing the right thing at the right time, I don't want to mess him around. He still means a lot to me.


Comments

  • #2
    newtothis2010
    Closed Accounts Posts: 45 ✭newtothis2010


    hey OP

    what a difficult decision to make, but just based on your post, sounds like the right one.. there are too many people would sit and wonder and wonder for far too long before having the courage to do what you did..

    You say you have nowhere to go? is there no family or friends you can move to even temporarily? thats assuming you are still under the same roof as him?

    And nope, there is never a right time to do this except when you know things are wrong.... this will probably take pride of place in your head and heart for a while, you can't just erase the 4 years, but as you do your thinking and you are wondering if it was right, think back to WHY you did it, are they reasons you can fix (if indeed a reconciliation comes up) or is it too far gone to want to save....

    No doubt it may be a tough road for both you and ex coming up, but you both will get over it if that is what is meant to be and I am sure in time he will appreciate that this was done in a mature way and that he wasn't strung along...

    I wish you luck Op...


  • #3
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    OP - weird as it sounds I just want to congratulate you.
    Too many people stay in relationships for all the wrong reasons. I know it was a tough decision but hopefully you both can move on now.

    It is not clear from your post if you are still living together or sharing - if so be very careful there. The sooner you can both have a complete break from the other is really when the healing begins. Yes it will get bad for a while and you both might end up calling the other or texting or hooking up - but having made this choice you both owe it to each other to either prove it was the right choice or reconsider later if that is what you both want.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the replies. It is (was) not my first serious relationship but my longest and most meaningful.
    We are still living together, it is not easy for us to move out yet. We still haven't discussed anything properly, it is hard to get him to talk sometimes. It is a difficult situation we are in. All I know is that I have let him know I want to break up. I told him my thoughts and feelings. He is great in many ways but I feel deep down that he is not for me in the long term. I don't want to be stringing him along with these thoughts and feelings, even though most of the time things are great. I really hope it is the right decision and I am not just having too many expectations on what things 'should' be like. When you have a gut feeling, should you go with it?


  • #5
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Let me put it this way.

    Look forward another 20 years if you stay with him. Do you think you will have been happy for those 20 years? What about children - what will you tell them when they ask you "don't you love daddy???"

    So for the moment you have to live together - but some of your comments raised red flags for me.
    1. it is hard to get him to talk sometimes
    > WHY are you trying... Leave him alone

    2. I have to let him know I want to break up...
    > WHAT?? You are either broken up or you are not... Check your language - mixed messages like this will not only confuse you but him as well...

    OK - so if you are still sharing a house - make sure that is all you are sharing... If you want to end it - make a clean break of it...


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    thanks for your reply

    So for the moment you have to live together - but some of your comments raised red flags for me.
    1. it is hard to get him to talk sometimes
    > WHY are you trying... Leave him alone

    because it is something we need to talk about. I know he may need time and will come to me when he is ready. This whole thing started the other day when I snapped. He was giving out to me over something when I really didn't want to talk myself and it all just came out. Like I said the timing was wrong....but there is never going to be a right time...
    2. I have to let him know I want to break up...
    > WHAT?? You are either broken up or you are not... Check your language - mixed messages like this will not only confuse you but him as well...

    Yes I know. I consider it broken up when we are no longer in contact with each other. We are still living together, and I don't know when we can make the proper break.
    OK - so if you are still sharing a house - make sure that is all you are sharing... If you want to end it - make a clean break of it...

    -make sure that is all you are sharing- what else can we share?

    we have no family in dublin where we both work and we share friends too, none have availability at the mo.


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  • #7
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Hi OP.
    Mistake? wrote: »
    because it is something we need to talk about.
    No - you think you do - you want to talk about it. Clearly either he is not ready or does not want to. You pushing him is just going to cause another flare up along the lines of the one that caused this to finish. Once you have been clear that you are finished and are not sending mixed messages then it is done.
    Trying to talk all the time - trying to engage him mentally/emotionally - just stop it. Face it - this is a bad situation because you are now house-sharing - try not to make it worse.
    Mistake? wrote: »
    - what else can we share?

    we have no family in dublin where we both work and we share friends too, none have availability at the mo.
    I mean make sure you are not sharing the bed etc - just sends mixed messages.

    To be honest reading your 2nd to last post - I am confused by what you want... So if I am confused can only imagine how he is feeling.
    As I said just be clear - it is ended - that is it - fini.
    Leave him be - try to figure out when you can more or if he will - either way - as you know this has the potential for getting messy and fast.


  • #8
    WhatWillBee
    Closed Accounts Posts: 97 ✭✭WhatWillBee


    Mistake? wrote: »
    All I know is that I have let him know I want to break up.
    Taltos wrote: »
    2. I have to let him know I want to break up...
    > WHAT??

    Sorry just thought Id point out that the OP said she had let him know theyre broken up not that she had to let him know this, just in case this was the source of some confusion.

    I realise OP that your break up started in the heat of the moment, as can happen, but you want it to be permanent. Every break up needs the 'final talk', at least for me it does whether the dumper or the dumpee. I cant tell if you are doing the right thing or not, but I can tell you that if youre having doubts, theres only one way to find out if breaking up is the right course of action and youre doing it. Best of luck!


  • #9
    Pembily
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,404 ✭✭✭✭Pembily


    I was like you and for nearly 2 years thought about breaking up with my now ex, yes TWO years, the reasons to stay with him were endless as were the reasons to break up!!! We were living together when I broke up with him in March, I kept putting it off but I knew I had to do it, it just didn't feel right... You know deep down and while you may not want to do it (it will hurt) you will feel better, honestly...

    I had to move out of the house we shared, and commute to college every day my third term of college in final year, it sucked but I couldn't have lead him on anymore and that is what you are doing, you have made the decision that your relationship is over and you are saying that you want to talk (no YOU want to talk, he really doesn't), you feel guilty (I get it) and talking is only helping you, he just needs to be left alone and you really should just move out, from reading your posts you know you made the right decision but you don't know how to finish it and move out!!!

    He is going to hurt and being a harsh b!tch its not your problem any more...

    Ye both need a clean break, if you care for him at all, its for the best!!!!


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