Mum complaining about spending

LegacyUser

I would like some advice on this issue. I'm a 24 year old woman and generally have a good relationship with my mother. I moved out of home for college in the UK when I was 18 and have been in the UK ever since. I have a job which isn't great paying but I get by and I like it. I've had a lot of bad luck with my health and am also suffering from an anxiety disorder and depression. My issue is that my mother constantly comments on anything I buy that isn't essential. I haven't bought clothes since Christmas, until this weekend when I went to a market to cheer myself up, and bought a vintage dress for £24. My mum asked if I'd bought anything when I went to the market and I said yes a dress, she pretended to be interested, but later on when I said I was having trouble saving up for the deposit on a new apartment (I'd like to move in the next 6 months due to flatmate issues) she said 'if you weren't buying dresses you'd have more money.' She also complains if I spend money on my health, for example I had to pay £50 for a dental cleaning a few weeks ago and she called me an idiot and said I was being ripped off, even though I had no choice because I'm suffering from bad gum disease. She also was angry about me paying for a private scan because I didn't want to wait 18 weeks on the NHS, I was really anxious and worried about the results and to me, the damage to my health from waiting (I've started to go grey from the stress) outweighed the benefit of saving the money. She also hates that my boyfriend and I eat out about once a week, usually in fairly low end ethnic restaurants - we both live in cramped flatshares and cooking together at home isn't an option.

My issue is, she goes on as if I'm this big spender flashing money around on luxuries when I'm absolutely not at all. Sure, I spend more than I have to sometimes, but I want to enjoy my life, not just exist. I get depressed about my health, and I find little treats like meals and the odd pair of earrings really pick me up. What bothers me most is that she NEVER gives out to my younger sister. She buys clothes and shoes all the time, she's going on holiday this week despite having no money of her own because my parents are paying for her Masters, and that's fine. If I went on holiday, I'd never hear the end of it. I'm sick of feeling like I'm some sort of spoiled princess. I'm not. I work hard. I am grateful for all the fun things I get to do and I know other people can never afford clothes or make-up, but it's hardly like I'm living it large here. I'm fed up of being made to feel guilty for buying anything not 'essential'. What can I do? It's really starting to annoy me now that anything I mention gets thrown back in my face. I know I should be saving more, but am I really supposed to live on bread and water and never go out? I'm never going to get my early 20's back - I never go clubbing or anything like that as it is.

Nevyn

Why are you telling her so much and giving her so much information and ammo if you know she will use it against it. Simply don't tell her, you are an adult it's none of her business.

Beruthiel

Thaedydal wrote: »

Why are you telling her so much and giving her so much information and ammo if you know she will use it against it. Simply don't tell her, you are an adult it's none of her business.

Nothing to add.
That's basically it in a nutshell.

Trashbat

Thaedydal wrote: »

Why are you telling her so much and giving her so much information and ammo if you know she will use it against it. Simply don't tell her, you are an adult it's none of her business.

+1 to this, although she is probably going to find a was to criticize/advise you over something else.

But also, dont let it get you down so much. To be honest, a massive amount of mothers are EXACTLY like your. Mine certainly is

I think its about issues with letting go over your child - seperation anxiety, and also an issue with getting older and becoming subconsciously resentful of the opportunities of the next generation. My mother recently visited my and complained that i shouldnt be cleaning the ceramic cooker after every use, and then proceded to tell me that i was keeping the plastic bags in the wrong part of the cupboard.

dudara

My mother and father are exactly the same. They know I'm no idiot but that doesn't stop them

Solution: Stop telling her. It is that easy. Your financial affairs are your own business.

LegacyUser

She's probably worried sick about you. Your job doesn't pay too well, you're living in a cramped flatshare, you've poor health and you're far away from her.

"I know I should be saving more, but am I really supposed to live on bread and water and never go out?" This is a contradiction. From what you've said it doesn't sound to me like you should be saving more at the minute, I think I'd be doing the same as you. I agree with you that you really need to mind your health.

But if you should be saving more, then yes you would need to spend less. Maybe your mother hopes that if you got a better paying job or a better place to live then it would help your health problems and that's where she's coming from.

In any case, it would probably ease things for both of you if you told her less! Or instead tell her the things that will show her you're managing your money well.

Neyite

my mum can be quite critical of me and the choices i make. but she wouldnt see it that way and would be appalled if i called her critical - she sees it as more of a 'devils advocate' advisory service. maybe your mum is the same?

i just dont tell her the half of it these days - she is happier (not worrying) i am happier (not being critisised) she must think that i am the most boring person on the planet:D

another thing that she tends to do is have less faith in my decisions/occurances than my siblings eg:
my sister got caught speeding = bad cop out to get her, given sympathy. me caught speeding = irresponsible, given a lecture.

it used to hurt me a lot to see the differences in the way i am treated to the siblings, but now i am more of my own person, and what she doesnt know she cant critisise. i recognise that closeness between us is not possible unless she changes, which she wont. thats not to say i am not loving, devoted and affectionate towards her. i just dont discuss anything that she is likely to be critical of.

if she asks you if you bought something say no. if she asks if you went out say no. - i bet within a month she will be calling you a hermit and telling you that you should treat yourself more!

tinkerbell

Thaedydal wrote: »

Why are you telling her so much and giving her so much information and ammo if you know she will use it against it. Simply don't tell her, you are an adult it's none of her business.

Exactly!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Thaedydal wrote: »

Why are you telling her so much and giving her so much information and ammo if you know she will use it against it. Simply don't tell her, you are an adult it's none of her business.

I do think this is good advice but based on the fact that she says nothing to the younger sister I think there's a deeper issue here.

The comment about buying dresses sounds like she likes being smarmy/condescending to you. Maybe ask her what er problem is. Though there's a good chance she doesn't realise she's doing it too so you need to approach it in a calm non-confrontational way

Freiheit

Sounds to me like a typical parent, let it go and be yourself regardless.