Broken

LegacyUser

Hi,

I don't know if this is the right place but here goes. My GF broken up with me last weekend. We were together for over six years. I don't know what to do. I can't stop sobbing. I miss her so so much. I don't know what to do. How do I get her back.

She says she needs to be on her own. Things hadn't exactly been great between us lately, no fighting but it was like the spark was gone. I probably didn't make as much of an effort at our relationship as I should have lately but this is not the only reason why she feels like she does. I feel like I have messed up the best thing that ever happened to me. I got lazy and comfortable in our relationship. Work is another factor but she is doing something about that. She says she just doesn't like her life at the moment. I have moved out of our home and I'm in limbo. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I have been trying to work out what I am going to do to change her mind, how to win her back but I don't want to drive her further away. She says she needs space. I honestly don't know if she wants to be together again. It has only been four days and I don't know how I can go through this. I thought that we were going to grow old together.

I had to collect some things yesterday and it ripped me apart to do it. Everything has a memory attached. We already spoke about bills and other things that have to be changed. Am I fooling myself to think that there is any chance of us being together again?

It's hurting me just to type this.

jessiejam

Shellshocked wrote: »

Hi,

I don't know if this is the right place but here goes. My GF broken up with me last weekend. We were together for over six years. I don't know what to do. I can't stop sobbing. I miss her so so much. I don't know what to do. How do I get her back.

She says she needs to be on her own. Things hadn't exactly been great between us lately, no fighting but it was like the spark was gone. I probably didn't make as much of an effort at our relationship as I should have lately but this is not the only reason why she feels like she does. I feel like I have messed up the best thing that ever happened to me. I got lazy and comfortable in our relationship. Work is another factor but she is doing something about that. She says she just doesn't like her life at the moment. I have moved out of our home and I'm in limbo. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I have been trying to work out what I am going to do to change her mind, how to win her back but I don't want to drive her further away. She says she needs space. I honestly don't know if she wants to be together again. It has only been four days and I don't know how I can go through this. I thought that we were going to grow old together.

I had to collect some things yesterday and it ripped me apart to do it. Everything has a memory attached. We already spoke about bills and other things that have to be changed. Am I fooling myself to think that there is any chance of us being together again?

It's hurting me just to type this.

Hey OP
Your still pretty raw from the shock, so don't make any rash decisions just yet. After 6 years the spark does fade, but its a joint effort to get it back. Did she make the effort too?
Sorry to say this but are you sure there isn't someone else?

she said she needs space - give her space
she said she needs to be on her own - leave her be on her own

Let her know you are there for her if she wants to talk and tell her how you feel.
Other than that leave it be for the moment.

If its meant to be she will come back to you and may realise how she feels
you can't force someone to love you no matter how hard you try.

Keep busy but if you need to cry do it. If things don't work out for you it will get easier
chin up

D

Miss Fluff

You poor thing. You have had a big shock so you need to deal with that right now rather than trying to make any big decisions or working on some plan to get her back.

The best thing you can do right now is respect her wishes.

She says she needs to be on her own.

She says she needs space.

You have to give her that space that she has asked for. I know it is very hard when all you want is to be figure out what went wrong and to work out if you have a future together, but you have to give her the space that she has asked for.

You on the other hand, need to surround yourself with family and friends and with people who care about you. Keep busy.

You will be fine, it's a lot to take in, but you will be fine.

Shellshocked

Shellshocked wrote: »

I have been trying to work out what I am going to do to change her mind, how to win her back but I don't want to drive her further away.

Do not try. At least not directly.

This likely has been a stressful choice for her too, probably more so because it was on her to make it and inform you of it. The last thing she needs is you pressuring her and trying to influence her decisions even more.

Best thing to do is sit back and give her the space she needs.

In the meantime think back hard on when it WAS good with her, and the things she liked about you and be that person as much as you can. This is her time to work it out, but this is your quite time to explore what it was about you she liked in the first place.

If and when she starts coming back to you, it will likely be slow. Very rarely do these things end with the person saying “Right, I am done now, lets get back to it shall we?”

Do not try and jump back into the relationship when she starts coming back, but replay it like it was at the start. Take her to the same places, act the same way, and do not be the first to bring up the relationship and what you want from it and so on.

In the end, if you do this, she will remember what it was that made her want to be with you in the first place and this is your best chance to get her back.

If however you become the kind of person who is pressuring her, influencing her, trying to change her mind, trying to get her back… this is the person she will think of when she thinks of you, not the one she wanted to be with, and it is likely she wont want to be with THAT person. In fact quite often you will find in that case she will not even want to be AROUND that person, let alone with him. This is why most “breaks” do not work in my opinion, because one party always becomes this ball of pressure that the other just does not want to even see, let alone get back with. In other words the "break" changes one person and usually into something the other person does not like.

In short: Be yourself – the yourself she liked in the first place – and apply no pressure to… or even be the first to bring up… the relationship between you and where it stands. Let her do that when she is ready.

If after a couple of months you are getting impatient and feel you HAVE to do something then invite her out on a date like one of the first you ever had with her. Say something like “Lets meet up like we used to, at the start, no pressure or strings, no hanky panky, nothing at all… just a date like it was at the start… I do not want you forgetting who I am after all…..” and if she accepts then have a calm relaxed date, do not bring up the “us” thing unless she does and even if she does do not take the “please come back” approach but the “I understand you need your space, tonight is about me showing you I am still here, and I really want you back… but its your decision, I just hope I showed you tonight I mean it”.

And good luck.

kjl

If it was me, I just wouldnt contact her for like 2-3 weeks, give her all the space she needs.

If she misses you, she will be on to you.

mogsy

I feel for you OP. I was in a similar situation myself in the past and I can relate to the emotions your going through. Believe me they will pass and the cliche time will help is very true although I remember myself getting really annoyed at the time when people said this to me as I was too well aware that we live in the present not the future!

My simple advice is to keep yourself busy and try not to think about her too much as you are only going to upset yourself and keep bringing yourself down if your lamenting on things you should or could have done. By keeping a hectic social schedule you will find yourself occupied and leaving yourself less likely to be thinking of her.

I found the forum linked below to be really helpful when I wanted to vent as I felt my family and friends were sick of listening to me after a couple of weeks, you are not alone in this there are no many people affected by this and in many ways I believe the breakup of a long term relationship to be even more traumatic than a death as the significant other is still out there living there life while this is not the case with a death obviously.

here is the link anyway

www.justkeepthechange.com/how-to-get-over-your-ex-girlfriend


I seen a couple of excellent posts in another thread last week thought you might like to read them the ones by newtothis2010 are great

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055961714

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone

LegacyUser

Hey Op, i can relate to what you are going through. My girlfriend of 9 years ended it with me just over two weeks ago after 5 weeks of me knowing she was having doubts and also a two week break. I know how you are feeling, it s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I lost me father a few years back, and although I feel guilty saying it, this is so much worse.

I also feel greatly responsible for the break up and feel like it could have been avoided if I had just made more of an effort, committed to her more and just made her feel that bit more special. I am living with these regrets and guilt over how things have ended and it ain’t easy. I guess though, two weeks later I am doing a bit better. I’m sleeping better, eating better, crying less. I still have the odd dreams that make me feel bad. Mornings and night is the worst. I still miss her like crazy and would take her back in a flash but have not contacted her since the break up and will not do so for another week or two.

Although I understand the issues that led to the break up, I think she has had cold feet and a case of the grass is greener. I want her back but where her mind is now, it is not possible. I do believe deep down that she will realise at some stage that what we had, minus the issues, is very hard to come by and will come back. Thing is though you cant wait around for that, if it happens it happens. I just hope that when it does my mind will still be into the idea of us. I’ve been beating myself up over what happened with us and have taken full responsibility but relationships involve two people. In my case, she was quite unhappy but wasn’t communicating it to me. I on the other hand had taken us and her for granted. I guess I’m just trying to say that in two weeks, you will feel better, its less raw, still there but you will be able to function a bit better. Do as people say, surround yourself with family. I have been the last two weeks, and although my family normally stress me out when we’re all together, it will make you realise how amazing siblings ect can be. The love they will show you will start to rub off on you and it helps. I am nowhere nearly out of the woods yet, but just want you to know you’re not alone mate.

LegacyUser

canrelate wrote: »

Hey Op, i can relate to what you are going through. My girlfriend of 9 years ended it with me just over two weeks ago after 5 weeks of me knowing she was having doubts and also a two week break. I know how you are feeling, it s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I lost me father a few years back, and although I feel guilty saying it, this is so much worse.

I also feel greatly responsible for the break up and feel like it could have been avoided if I had just made more of an effort, committed to her more and just made her feel that bit more special. I am living with these regrets and guilt over how things have ended and it ain’t easy. I guess though, two weeks later I am doing a bit better. I’m sleeping better, eating better, crying less. I still have the odd dreams that make me feel bad. Mornings and night is the worst. I still miss her like crazy and would take her back in a flash but have not contacted her since the break up and will not do so for another week or two.

Although I understand the issues that led to the break up, I think she has had cold feet and a case of the grass is greener. I want her back but where her mind is now, it is not possible. I do believe deep down that she will realise at some stage that what we had, minus the issues, is very hard to come by and will come back. Thing is though you cant wait around for that, if it happens it happens. I just hope that when it does my mind will still be into the idea of us. I’ve been beating myself up over what happened with us and have taken full responsibility but relationships involve two people. In my case, she was quite unhappy but wasn’t communicating it to me. I on the other hand had taken us and her for granted. I guess I’m just trying to say that in two weeks, you will feel better, its less raw, still there but you will be able to function a bit better. Do as people say, surround yourself with family. I have been the last two weeks, and although my family normally stress me out when we’re all together, it will make you realise how amazing siblings ect can be. The love they will show you will start to rub off on you and it helps. I am nowhere nearly out of the woods yet, but just want you to know you’re not alone mate.

Thanks for this, I know it can't be easy for you.

I am the same questioning myself all the time about things I didn't do and should have done. I am finding it very tough but my friends have been very understanding and there for me. I have spoken to them more in the last 4 days than I have in the last 4 years (that's how it feels anyway). This forum has also been a help knowing that other people have been through similar and are able to give advice.

When I get the odd moment of clarity I do stop blaming myself for everything, I know it isn't all my fault but I also know that I am definitely to blame for some of it. One of my friends should be some kind of therapist. He always seems to make sense. I am getting times where I find myself wondering about what she is doing at that moment but as he says she is probably going through something similar to myself.

I know I will have to contact her at some stage about moving the rest of my things out of our home(I am dreading having to do this as I know it is going break my heart even more) but that will be the only contact (as she wants her space). I will try to let her contact me first if I can. I just have the fear of making everything so final that she may get used to it and not want to try to rebuild our relationship as I do. The guilt I feel at times is unbearable and I have thought so much about how if I get a chance, what I will do to correct what I have and haven't done to get to a situation where she felt our relationship has had to end. I just hope I get the chance.

I have found a place to live (renting) but it is also close to people I know. I am going to move in at the weekend. I've had more offers to move in with friends but I don't want to intrude in their lives and I also want to have time to myself.

Thanks for listening.