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I'm too possessive/paranoid and want to stop it.

  • 13-07-2010 1:07am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hey going unreg for this one.

    Basically, as the title says, I'm too possessive/paranoid in my relationship. I guess the possessiveness isn't a problem so much anymore because I've kind of stopped it. But the paranoia is a huge problem.


    Basically, a summary to tell u why I have probs with paranoia in relationships - almost every ex I've had has cheated on me, and my last 2 relationships were abusive in every sense of the word. As such, I basically feel like crap. I also suffer from anxiety (I'm on meds for it) so I worry about things that don't and won't happen.

    Because my self esteem is so low I convince myself that my boyfriend could do better than me. Not that he WOULD cheat on me, but he COULD. Does that make any sense? It's like I know he won't ever cheat on me but I get these irrational thoughts in my head that just won't go away even though I don't believe them when I think things through.

    I've talked to him about it and he's very understanding. He's absolutely brilliant, actually. If I'm having a day where I feel anxious about something I can tell him "I feel stressed today" and he'll understand what I mean and will understand if I go a bit quiet on him.

    We're in a long distance relationship, but I am fine with that. We see each other regularly and are happy together.

    It's just these bloody stupid thoughts in my head that I want to go away. I know it's probably all down to my self esteem and my issues with my exes, but I have tried so hard to fix it. I mean, I'm a hell of a lot better than I was. I used to be this possessive cow and got mad at him if he even went out with his friends, until he sat me down and told me what I was doing was wrong. I immediately copped on and stopped it. Most of the time, I don't tell him about these irrational fears. I'm very good at keeping them bottled up so they don't affect him really. I mean, I'm fine with him going out on the p*ss with his mates a few nights a week or whatever he wants. I just want him to enjoy himself and have a laugh, I really have no problem now with him being a "social butterfly" :p

    It's just that when I get these ridiculous thoughts, it's very hard to shake them. If I get bad, I'll just take one of my sleeping pills and sleep it off but I can't rely on that. I need to overcome it. I saw a therapist but it didn't help much. It helped with everything else, but not this.


    So basically, I'd like it if I wasn't slated for this because A) I am trying to fix it and have improved tenfold compared to how I used to be and B) I am NOT possessive. I let him do what he wants and I only voice my irrational thoughts about 5% of the time that I think them and I do it in a non-accusatory way. I really am trying to fix this so please don't slate me.

    I just kind of need tips on how to basically improve my self esteem and quash the stupid thoughts. With regards to my self esteem, I've lost a lot of weight and look decent, but I don't see that really. People keep saying sh*te like "look in the mirror and tell yourself you're beautiful" or "write down a list of things you like about yourself" but I never found that helpful.


Comments

  • #2
    Peggypeg
    Closed Accounts Posts: 578 ✭✭✭Peggypeg


    Hello OP,

    First of all I would like to say WELL DONE!!!! Fair play to you for recognising the faults in yourself (which we all have) and addressing them, I have so much respect for people like you, you're not perfect but you see that and you do your best to correct yourself and not just take out your issues on others.

    I think you should give yourself some credit, you're obviously working very hard to overcome these feelings. You're OH is very lucky to have someone who cares enough to try to improve themselves so that they are better partners. Please give yourself a break though!!! These self improvements take time, as nice as it would be to be able to instantly overcome these things life just isn't like that, sure look at how well you've done so far!!! 95% better than before? That's an A right there!!! Give yourself a hug and a pat on the back for that one.

    With regards to the feelings you are describing; they are very difficult to overcome, I know it sounds basic but what I would do is go for a walk while listening to some of my favourite feel good music. These feelings feed on themselves the more you internalise them the more they feed themselves until you're a right mess, so go do something energetic and push yourself to feel good, even if it's screaming along to the Dixie Chicks:eek: Just let the feelings go and replace them with better feelings, whatever it is that does that for you, be it horse riding, painting, walking, dancing, whatever it is that gets your heart racing. Once you oust these feelings it takes longer for them to take a hold.

    If that doesn't work I really would try councelling again, it may be that you just didn't get a good councellor but don't give up, I've had 3 very good councellors in my life time, some not so good but I didn't give up and those 3 more than made up for the others.

    The very very very best of luck.


  • #3
    jessiejam
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 778 ✭✭✭jessiejam


    Hey op

    I am not medically qualified in anyway, but I know from experience that paranoia and Anxiety can go hand in hand.

    Maybe a trip back to your gp about the meds you are on may help you? Sometimes we need to try a few different ones before we can find the one thats right for us

    Seems to me that although you are on meds for anxiety, you are still feeling anxious?

    As per other posts, I would also recommend you try counselling again. Try different ones until you find one thats right for you. Psychotherapy can be great with CBT. You've had some tough times with realtionships in the past. Who can blame you for feeling a little paranoid or possesive. By the sounds of it your doing great in your relationship albeit for the odd hiccup here and there.

    Hope it all works out for you

    D


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    sunflower27 wrote: »
    Hon,

    You are possessive. Just because you don't voice it doesnt mean you aren't. In fact it'd be healthier if you did. You are internalising everything.

    I think you need to take a step back and look at what you have to lose if you dont learn to control these thoughts. Imagine your bf saying 'I can't take anymore'.

    WHy don;'t you talk to him about how you feel. Tell him you know that you struggle with confidence and trust or whatever. I really think communication is the key.

    He is entitled to spend time with his friends and enjoy himself. You know that.

    I know LDR are hard (I'm only at the start of embarking on one myself although we have a lot of history so makes it easier) but you just need to keep busy. fill your life with other things other than 'what's he up to'.

    You have to realise that there is always going to be someone slimmer/prettier/smarter/funnier out there but he has chosen to be with you. Try and learn to love yourself a bit more too. You are worthy of a good relationship. Don't spoil it and live to regret it.


    Thanks for the comment :) Much appreciated. I may be wrong (and please don't think I'm trying to defend myself or be in denial because I'm really not, I hate the way I feel) but surely being possessive is when you DON'T let your partner do what he wants? I let him do whatever he wants. He goes out and has a very active social life, which I'm fine with and encourage because he needs his mates just like I need mine. I don't stop him from doing anything at all. I used to, but I truly believe I have overcome the possessiveness, if not the paranoia/anxiety. I quite like what you said at the end though, it was a bit of a kick up the backside tbh. Thank you. :)


    Peggypeg (I don't want to quote everything because the post would be stupidly long!) - thank you so much. I really appreciated hearing that. The bf recognises the changes I'm making and is more than understanding, but I guess I'm getting frustrated because I want it to be an immediate fix.

    I'm looking into going back to therapy (I did CBT in the past and counselling too), but am struggling to find some within my price range. I'll keep looking though :) Your post really made me smile so thank you. I'm going to try that idea about going for a walk w/music too, thanks :)

    Jessisjam - Thanks a million for your post, too. I sound like a robot thanking you all but I really do mean it and appreciate everything that you've all said. I'm not due to see my psych again til September (he thinks seeing me every 4 months is enough, but that's another story!), so I can't raise the issue with my meds til then. Tbh, all they do is make me feel drunk. I'll try to get that sorted out though :) As for the counselling/therapy, I'm still trying to get back into that and will keep trying.


    Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the comments and the fact that you didn't slate me :p


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