Typical: saying I love you too soon

LegacyUser

Hi – I have a question, please…

I was into this relationship for 3 months when despite my best judgement and all the advice I received, I blurted out the adorable 3 words. Way too soon.

Bf wasn’t particularly surprised – suppose I was giving away more than I realised – but also didn’t say it back. He went with the "I like u very much, but it takes me time to develop this kind of feelings etc"
We have talked about the situation jokingly a couple of times afterwards, and it gave a lighter feeling to the issue. Yet he still didn’t really say anything (after two months more) – not even the 2nd best "I like u very much".

I'm pissed off at the situation because I feel like I'm giving the impression of being totally in his hands – which I'm not! I consider myself a very independent person, and that includes my emotions, ie, I may be in love with him, but I wouldn’t hesitate walking away on him tomorrow if he treated me badly or I wasn’t happy with how the relationship was developing. But it's also a bit sad not being able to say out loud "I love u" to the person when you actually feel it – and I'm making it as a point to never say it again till he says it too.

Although he doesn’t act conceived, I keep thinking he must be 100% sure that he has my adoration forever, and I fear that might have killed completely the excitement of the "hunting" and/or scared him away. And it also pisses me off that he won't say even something slightly nice – such as "I enjoy being with you", "I like you very much" etc. But he had said before he's not the type to say this kind of things.

To make things worse, I'm very affectionate with people in general, including him, and he's quite withdrawn. So that increases the feeling that I'm the one completely head over heels here.

I hate feeling this vulnerable, and I keep changing from being myself and just showing I care for him to being deliberately cold/distant. And I can't stop overanalysing the situation…

How would you go on from here? How do you see the situation? I'm stuck…

Thanks a million!

LegacyUser

i know how you feel. its a terrible position to be in because you feel so vunerable. but ye are still together and he hasnt run a mile so thats always a positive.

im in a similar situation tbh, with a girl close to five months now, and fell for her big time. now any time we are together, a "moment" arises now and then and all i want to do is blurt out i love you, but so far i have managed to not say it, but then again its not going to last much longer as i am the sort of person who says things and then thinks about what i jst said haha.

any way op, from what you have said, he might just be emotionally retarded and you never know this might be the first time for him to say it to someone when he does say it. i remember going out with a girl before, said i love you to her and she ran a mile, and we were together for a good while too. the fact ye are still together is a good sign in my books, but then again im no expert.

hope it all works out for you op, and best of luck, im sure it will

Miss Fluff

You might never hear those three words and you could spend the rest of your life with him. I'm serious. Some people bandy the three words about ad nauseum and then go and cheat on their partner or treat them terribly. In my experience it is the couples effusive with their language and public displays of affection who oftentimes aren't even having sex anymore tbh!

Never a truer line then actions speak louder than words. While it may be important to you for him to say it, he may not ever say it. I think it foolish to think he has gotten "one up" on you because he hasn't said those three words. It could well be reciprocated but a). trying to force his hand into it and b). feeling at a disadvantage because you have and he hasn't is putting undue pressure on the relationship.

In my experience, the men who told me after a short while that they loved me and couldn't see a future without me burned out as soon as they started while the ones that meant anything took some time. Wouldn't you much rather if he is to say it, that he says it when he really means it?

My parents have an inspirational relationship and a rock-solid marriage and Mum said they never tell each other that they love each other. And yet every night when falling asleep they hold hands. Yes really. (I still think that is one of the cutest things EVER), they are totally besotted and in love and that can be seen through their actions and the mutual respect and chemistry which is obvious....they don't need to tell each other, both are secure in what they have.

Try not to get het up on it OP because your worry on this matter could actually jeopardise something really special before it has even had the chance to begin.

MsHolloway

Hi op,

I am quite like yourself and hate showing my vulnerable side, so I understand how you're feeling right now. But lets look at it from another angle - you told someone just how much you loved and cared for them, thats an incredibly brave thing to do, especially when you hate to show your vulnerable side!

What I will say to you is, its been 5 months and you already feel like your head is wrecked. Your bf has said he is not really into saying affectionate things and you need to decide if you can be with someone like this. If this is all wrecking your head at this early stage, you really need to think about it.

AngryBadger

From a guys point of view;

I've been in the situation where a woman says "I love you", and had no idea how to react, for the simple reason that to me, as a guy, that's a huge thing to either say to a woman, or have said to me. The first time was 6 months into a relationship, the second time was a girl I was not involved with but had a casual past with.

In both situations I felt like a deer caught in the headlights, having this said to me was like a huge ultimatum being issued, whether it was meant that way or not. Most guys I've ever discussed this with have echoed those feelings, although some have been of the opinion that a guy should just "say the words" to get over that hump, but in my mind that's just a set-up for disaster. If somebody says "ILY" to me, and I say it back without meaning it then I'm basically lying to them, and leading them along by the nose. Conversely if I don't say it back where does that leave things? It's catch-22.

Honestly I think it's kind of selfish for women to blurt this out to guys early in a relationship, mostly because it's not always reciprocated, and if the relationship takes a nosedive the guy is painted as being an asshole because the girl "bared her soul".

OP to my mind 3 months into a relationship is a ridiculous amount of time to tell someone you love them, regardless of how strongly you may feel it if things are going to last then what's your hurry? You say yourself that you said this against all advice to the contrary, and now you're annoyed that you've made yourself vulnerable but your bf isn't saying it back to you.

As you were advised I think you shouldn't have said it in the first place, but now that you have your only option is to get over his lack of reciprocation and try not to let your disappointment cause problems between ye.

I mean if you're so confident in the relationship that you were willing to say "I love you" then what's the problem with waiting for him to say it back? I presume this guy is good to you, and you're good together if you were willing to say it in the first place? So why the angst all of a sudden?