Friend´s boyfriend making inappropriate comments...or so I think?

LegacyUser

Hi guys. Just want to run something by you to see what you think. Became friends with a girl about 6 months ago who I really got along with. Met her boyfriend (now fiance) and he seemed really like a really friendly, cool guy....until recently.

We were out at a festival last week in the city I live in last week. I got talking to the boyfriend and he made a comment about how good looking I was and guys must flock to me....which made me uncomfortable as his girlfriend was standing close by. Grand. I got on with it and then we were out last night again and he was sitting beside me. Out of the blue he commented on how large my breasts were and saying, "God I never realised how big they were...what are they...double Ds"? I told him he should stop saying that and made it clear I wasn´t comfortable without throwing a massive hissy fit...and he responded by saying, "I´m just saying". Thing is, he said both of these comments really matter-of-factly, like it was no big deal and his girlfriend was sitting close by (she didn´t hear either comment). I don´t know this guy well enough to think it was just a friend commenting on a friend but I´m wondering am I being prudish and is it necessarily out of line to comment on someone´s breast size?

As a consequence, I feel awkward around my friend and it´s affecting our relationship. I feel like I somehow provoked these comments and I´m wondering am I doing anything without knowing to receive them, even though I know I haven´t been flirty, just friendly. Her boyfriend kissed another girl in a club a few years ago, so she understandably gets jealous of him sometimes (she told me this when we first met)...but does she still have reason to be? I´m paranoid that she might think I´m flirting with him when I really amn´t. I don´t want to loose this girl as a friend but I also don´t feel comfortable around her fiancé now. They hang out a lot together, so should I just write these guys off and get on with my life or what? What do you guys think? I´ve no one else here to bounce this off and I´m really down in the dumps about the whole messy situation. Am I overreacting?

This one is a doozy alright as without knowing a lot more it could be anything.

For example the guy could actually mean well and want to say something nice to you for whatever reason, but he is just entirely devoid of any tact whatsoever. The fact he said it where his GF could have heard him might indicate that he actually did think what he was saying was ok. Some people mean well but come out with the most offensive surprises in the attempt.

If I were you I would wait and see if it happens again. He might have got the message when you made it clear last night you were not impressed.

Big Bag of Chips

From the sounds of it, he doesn't realise he's saying anything that might cause offense.

He doesn't seem to be sleazing at you, or perving when he's saying it, as you said yourself he just said it "matter of fact".

In saying that, that doesn't lessen your feelings of discomfort, and I think if you were to just matter of factly, say back to him that you wish he wouldn't comment on your "assets", I don't think he will be offended, or I don't think it'll bother him too much.

I just think he doesn't realise that what he is saying to you is making you uncomfortable. He seems to be fairly direct, so I think you can be direct back to him without fear of upsetting the friendship.

You would be surprised. Some guys really do not know how to talk to girls sometimes and will come out with what to them is a perfectly reasonable thing to say, only it really is not.

After all if some girl told a guy “Wow that’s a huge package you have there” the first thing that will go through his head is not “How offensive” but “Really? Wohoo! Just what a boy likes to hear!”

So it is no surprise that there are guys out there who honestly think that this is also a nice thing to say to girls and blurt it out while genuinely meaning well and without knowing a lot more about him I guess we can never know for sure.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

So it is no surprise that there are guys out there who honestly think that this is also a nice thing to say to girls and blurt it out while genuinely meaning well and without knowing a lot more about him I guess we can never know for sure.

She told him she wasn't happy with his comments. He point blank ignored her discomfort.
OP tell him in no uncertain terms that you don't like to be spoken to in that way, tell him it makes you feel very uncomfortable. If he continues, don't meet up with your friend if he's there. Try to arrange meetings so that he can't/won't want to go eg get your nails done.

A decent man would be mortified if he thought he was making a woman feel uncomfortable. This guy doesn't sound like a decent man.

unregistered

unregistered wrote: »

She told him she wasn't happy with his comments. He point blank ignored her discomfort.

We do not know that. She said no such thing to us. He made two comments she did not like and after the second one she told him she was not impressed. The second one was also only “last night” as of the time when the OP wrote her post so there has been no time yet at all to see if he has modified his behaviour.

He made a huffy “Im just saying like” reply but that does not mean he did not take her point on board that she was uncomfortable with it. Maybe he has learned his lesson and will not repeat the behaviour. It is too soon to say.

Not to say you are wrong of course, you could very well be right, but I think you are speaking too soon to say that he “point blank ignored her”. We simply need more information on this one.

Ickle Magoo

If you value your friendship I would stay well away from this guy, don't spend time in his company and give him the opportunity to be such a sleaze and make things awkward between you and your friend - I also would have no qualms telling my friend what her man was saying out of her hearing and why I don't want to spend time in his company and let her decide if it's acceptable.

I would wager he deliberately targeted you while so close to his gf so as to make it seem more innocent or at least cast doubt as to his motives. Keep well away and hope your friend sees what a charmer she's marrying.

LegacyUser

There is no simple way of dealing with this - then coming straight out and saying that comment is inappropriate and you dont like it in plain english leaving nothing for him to get misunderstood or anything implied etc

When he retorts with "I'm only saying" - then answer and tell him "dont just say its rude and offensive and inappropriate"
Then ask him if its intention to be rude ? when he says No - say Grand so, we are 100% clear that you dont make that type of comment to me as friends dont speak like that.

Then their can be no abiguity

Quite possibly yes.

However some guys quite literally have no idea how to talk to girls and it is worth considering that possibility too. As I said in post no.6 if the same compliment were paid to a guy, he would probably think it was great. So there are some guys out there, whether we think they are "twits" or just plain naive, that think this is a nice thing to say to a girl too.

SarahSassy

Or the next time you could turn round to his fiancee and just say ' Mary, John just asked me what size my breasts are - what size do you think they are?' and see what happens then.

He is a sleaze..... Be very wary cos if he is overheard he could turn the tables and say you started it. Personally, given that they spend so much time together I would distance myself from the situation and if she asked then I would tell her why.. Doesnt sound like he is much of an angel

Ickle Magoo

Deleted User wrote: »

Quite possibly yes.

However some guys quite literally have no idea how to talk to girls and it is worth considering that possibility too. As I said in post no.6 if the same compliment were paid to a guy, he would probably think it was great. So there are some guys out there, whether we think they are "twits" or just plain naive, that think this is a nice thing to say to a girl too.

Seriously? If your friends girlfriend said you looked like you had a big c0ck, you wouldn't raise an eyebrow & think it an inappropriate comment? :eek:

sunflower27

sunflower27 wrote: »

'What size are your breats?' is insulting and degrading!

I know that. You know that. This does not mean everyone knows that.

I have met many people who really just have no tact and though genuinely meaning well (either trying to be complimentary, or in some situations trying to be funny, or helpful) just say what comes into their head and what comes out is awful.

It is not just in situations like this. I have seen people awkward at funerals say something like “Well, at least ya wont have to make him breakfast any more” or in a pub one guy turned around to speak to someone he had just been speaking to, but someone else was in the spot who was of a larger figure and he said “Oh, Johnny has just been eaten by this big fat man”.

Clearly NOT the right things to say in either situation, but it is not unheard of that people when feeling awkward or like they should say something, come out with things that make you think “(S)He really should think before s(he) speaks more often”. Sometimes things in our head really do sound like a good thing to say at the time though they really really aren’t.

Again of course I am not saying you are wrong, you could very likely be right that the guy is just a sleaze. However given neither of us know him at all, it is worth pointing out there are equally valid and likely possibilities out there.

Given the possibilities however, I know which I HOPE it is, not that that has anything to do with what it actually is. For the OPs sake, and the guys fiancees sake I hope I am right and the guy was just tactless and not after her!

Ickle Magoo

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Seriously? If your friends girlfriend said you looked like you had a big c0ck, you wouldn't raise an eyebrow & think it an inappropriate comment? :eek:

Actually I hate to brag but after two recent skinny dipping incidents I had three seperate rather nice compliments on that

Though alas not for size I must admit More appearance

sunflower27

sunflower27 wrote: »

Actually putting a woman on the spot and asking her to divulge her breast size is not the same as putting your foot in it at a funeral.

I know that. You know that.... oh wait I did this bit

Ickle Magoo

Deleted User wrote: »

Actually I hate to brag but after two recent skinny dipping incidents I had three seperate rather nice compliments on that

Comments garnered after choosing to show your genitalia to people is hardly comparable to sitting having a drink with your friend their boyfriend. I don't know anyone with an age or IQ over 14 who would ask their girlfriends friend their breast size in the circumstances described by the OP.

Big Bag of Chips

Reallyawkward wrote: »

Thing is, he said both of these comments really matter-of-factly, like it was no big deal

But he wasn't sleazing on her.. she doesn't think he was sleazing on her, and you generally have a fairly definite feeling when you're being sleazed on!

He was just making conversation! I have male friends who would similiarly have asked my questions, and been surprised at the actually cup sizewhn told! Granted they would be friends who I would know alot longer than the OP knows this fella.. but they would ask questions, because they are genuinely "interested" in breasts!!!

I think it can all be easily sorted out with, "Hey XXX, thanks for the sentiment and all that but you commenting on my personal appearance makes me a bit uncomfortable"

No point in cutting him and the friend out for what might be a misunderstanding! If he does it once more.. than it's time to cut him out.

As taxAHcruel pointed out, the "what size are they" incident was recent, and we haven't heard back from the OP since!

He might just be a really, really tactless person.. they do exist you know!!!!

EDIT: As for "not knowing at his age"... we have no idea how old he is!! He could be 19, he could be 40.. still doesn't mean he can't be tactless or clueless!

Ickle Magoo

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't know anyone with an age or IQ over 14 who would ask their girlfriends friend their breast size in the circumstances described by the OP.

Yet people do, despite the ones you happen to know and do so with no vile or awry intentions. Many of us as humans just simply say the wrong thing either without thinking, or while thinking before we say it that it is the right thing or an ok thing to say.

If you guys have never done this yourself or met anyone who does it then fair play to you, but it does happen.

Again we simply do not know this guy, nor his intentions. We can only speculate and speculate I will. Thinking that there is only one possibility for his intentions is hardly helpful. Both possibilities we have put forward her are very possible. The OP would do well to consider them all rather than just assume a group of people like us on a forum who do not even know the guy somehow know exactly why he said what he did or what kind of person he is.

In the end she only told him the 2nd time that it was out of order and we have heard nothing since. Maybe he has taken the message.

Ickle Magoo

Deleted User wrote: »

Yet people do, despite the ones you happen to know and do so with no vile or awry intentions. Many of us as humans just simply say the wrong thing either without thinking, or while thinking before we say it that it is the right thing or an ok thing to say.

I don't know anyone who isn't dumb or sleazy who would. You can of course think what you want, as everyone else can. I think it's a lousy excuse for sleazy men that they just blurt out comments about women's breasts out of lack of social nuance or tact. There is no excuse for it. I don't know any woman who wouldn't think "creep" or "dumb", if not both when it happens.

I think the OP should tell her friend and let her decide and work out if it's an issue or not and what his motives were or are - and give her the opportunity to decide if she wants to marry a man who has the social skills of a 14yr old and is likely to embarrass himself as the most basic grasp on human interactions eludes him.

Not all people are like the people you know. Just because you do not know people who act like that does not mean they do not exist.

We can not automatically assume that because someone blurts out something inappropriate that his motivations were automatically certainly “sleazy”. We simply do not know this.

Forums like this are very helpful, but the source of that is when people give the OPs varied possibilities and different ways of looking at their problems and different explanations that they may not have thought of for how and why they are in the situation they are in.

At the end of the day however we do not know the people we are talking about like the OPs do. We can only put out possibilities. It is up to the OP to consider those possibilities. Forums like this become a lot less helpful when people think they know what was going on in the heads of the people concerned because “I was in the exact situation” or “I do/don’t know people who act that way”.

Again, we do not know this guy, and we do not know if he changed his ways yet since he was corrected by her which was only “last night” at the time she wrote the OP. All we can do is put out possibilities without attaching belief or bias to them. I have no idea if the guy is sleazy or not, stupid or not, tactless or not, well meaning or not. None of us do. ALL we can do is say “Here are some possibilities OP, consider them all, decide for yourself, and good luck!”

As soon as we start shooting down the possibilties suggested by others because they do not fit our own anecdote, experiences or biases however, is the moment we take away from the usefulness of forums such as this.

Everyone is great on this thread for putting forward ideas, possibilities, and theories. In the end only the OP can consider them and say which one is the most likely given what she knows, and what we do not, about this guy who, like she said... was a very nice guy right up until he started to take verbal liberties.

Whatever the answer is, I know that for the sake of the OP and the sake of the guys fiancé, that I hope he is actually a well meaning buffoon and not a dirty perv.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Whatever the answer is, I know that for the sake of the OP and the sake of the guys fiancé, that I hope he is actually a well meaning buffoon and not a dirty perv.

Hi...OP here. This last part struck me. I agree with everything your saying taxAHcruel right up to this last part. Are these the only options I´m getting? The guy is most definitely not a "buffoon"....he´s so far from a buffoon it´s ridiculous. He´s a very clever, clued up, sociable guy who has been around the block (he´s 28 by the way...I´m 30) so i´m really not taking stupidity or tactlessness as an excuse. He knew exactly what he was doing and what he was saying and how it could be misconstrued. He gets along very well with everyone and has fantastic people skills and is very clever. The way he said it wasn´t sleazy because he said it so matter-of-factly but in my opinion, the comment itself by it´s very nature IS sleazy and the fact that he said it in such close proximity to his girlfriend...you don´t compliment your fiance´s friend´s breats and ask them how big they are with your girlfriend sitting half a metre away! I have no idea what his intentions were, all I know is I feel uncomfortable around him and my friend now and I´m trying to figure out my next move.

Some of you suggested telling my friend...that´s not going to happen. I can see your point, I really do but they´ve been together 5 years and are very happy...unless it happens again, I´m not going to be the one to sabotage their relationship. The implications of me telling her are too great. No doubt after 5 years she knows the kind of guy he is.

Thanks for all your advice guys! Think I´ll just try and meet up with her alone in the future (difficult) and if he happens to be there and says something else, I´ll act on it.

Big Bag of Chips

+1 to everything above, and very well said!

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think the OP should tell her friend and let her decide and work out if it's an issue or not and what his motives were or are - and give her the opportunity to decide if she wants to marry a man who has the social skills of a 14yr old and is likely to embarrass himself as the most basic grasp on human interactions eludes him.

Her issue isn't with the friend. She didn't like something the bf said, she told him she didn't like it and he sort of mumbled "I was only saying" he didn't push the issue, he didn't try make her out to be somehow at fault for not accepting his "compliment", he seemed (from the OP's description), a little bit embarrassed and slightly unaware that he had said anything wrong.

The OP knows the girl 6 months. She knows the bf less. The couple obviously know each other alot better than OP knows either of them. Maybe the gf knows exactly what he's like and is always telling him to think before he talks. Maybe this is the first, and only time, he has ever said something like that to a girl.

We just don't know

I don't think it's the OP's place to go to her friend and tell her what sort of fella she's involved with. As I said her issue is with the bf. She told him she didn't like him saying that, and as far as any of us know he hasn't said anything since (or possibly before). So that should be the end of the issue, unless of course he persists in making comments.

At the end of the day, it was a fairly inappropriate, immature, not very well thought out thing to say... but no "harm" was done. He didn't sleaze on her, he didn't try grope her, or suggest anything under his breath that his gf couldn't hear..

He said something he shouldn't have.. the OP told him she didn't appreciate the comment, he seemed a bit "embarrassed" (maybe?) that he said the wrong thing...

That's should be it now.

Ickle Magoo

If my man was going around making comments about my friends breasts to the point they felt awkward spending time with me/us, I'd want to know. It's hardly fair her & her friends relationship suffers just to protect a complete moron...

Taltos

OP - instead of saying something to your friend away from him - I would suggest you ask both of them to chat.

Just explain that conversations like that make you uncomfortable and you would just prefer in future to keep topics like that out of the mix.

This way - you are not accusing him, you are making out for her sake that is more about you not being comfortable and are giving him an out.
Referring to how it is unacceptable or that others might be ok with this type of banter will just put both on the defensive here.

Key thing is during all of this try not to look too serious or angry. By saying it to her alone - he could accuse you of stirring the sh1t. By saying it just to him - anything could be made up about it. Saying it to both - well they both will have to talk about it afterwards - unless he has already "briefed" her... But your approach here is key - if you come in all open, happy and not making accusations anything he may have said to protect himself will be reduced by your manner.

Yes he might be like that - but surely he changes his approach based on the person - i.e. if chatting to one of his mum's friends he would hardly compliment her on her boobs or ass - or if he does - well that just shows a complete lack of social graces - and personally good luck to the girlfriend if that is the case...

LegacyUser

veryawkward wrote: »

Think I´ll just try and meet up with her alone in the future (difficult) and if he happens to be there and says something else, I´ll act on it.

I wouldnt be running scared cos he is being rude/sleazy
MEet your Freind whenever you like whether he there or not

If he does make sleazy comments - Act on it as you say - Call him on it and just be straight out and say thats inappropriate and make sure others hear

He'll thrive and will continue while its all secretive so dont Shy way from saying thats a sleazy comment to his face in front of A B C D or the Pope!

veryawkward

veryawkward wrote: »

Hi...OP here. This last part struck me. I agree with everything your saying taxAHcruel right up to this last part. Are these the only options I´m getting? The guy is most definitely not a "buffoon"....he´s so far from a buffoon it´s ridiculous. He´s a very clever

Great to hear from you again.

Actually maybe I used the wrong word because when I use this word I think of it in different terms than most people. Some people think of it as meaning “idiot” or “fool”. For me I think of it more in terms of being “Awkward” or “bumbling”. Like someone who is lanky and uncoordinated and is always knocking things over… but in the emotional realm rather than the physical one. Some girls use "wally" in the context I use "bufoon" if that helps.

When I think of “well meaning buffoon” I actually do think of someone clever, even very thoughtful, but with a tinge of absent mindedness about it and acting on thoughts before they reach their conclusion in the mind. In fact the very first image I bring to mind is of the mad shock haired socially awkward professor type who does not want to harm a hair on anyone, but always manages eventually to cause SOME upset somehow.

Actually the donkey in Shrek is another example of someone I would label "Bufoon"

The sticking point for me has been how he said it so close to his girlfriend and that he was otherwise a socially great guy up to this point. This suggests strongly to me the possibility that whatever his intentions were, they were not wrapped up with any feelings of guilt. I tend to suspect motivations more well intentioned but badly executed than I do something sordid and dirty because of this. For SOME reason he was under the impression what he was saying was perfectly alright to say. Without knowing a lot more about you AND him I have honestly no idea why this might be… nor does anyone else on the thread… and it is all just guess work we are engaged in here.

For example one random possibility, and I stress over and over all I am doing is firing out possibilities here, is that for some reason he thought your relationship had reached a level where he could be incredibly open and say things to you that would normally be said as “one of the lads”. It could be that he sees you so sex-lessly (what I mean by this is as friends only and nothing else, not that you are not sexy or hot in any way) in his eyes that he felt he could treat you as “one of the lads”. You corrected him on this and hopefully he gets the message and re-evaluates what level the friendship is on and tries a new tact.

Another random one is maybe for some reason he got it into his head that you are down on yourself about your looks, for whatever reason and he wanted to be the one to give you a confidence boost, but he just messed it up (hence well meaning buffoon). The first comment he made sounded more along these lines than the second of course, but still it is an open possibility.

Whatever the reason the best advice any of us can give is not to avoid him but to see what happens next. He tried it, you corrected him, he has not done it since. Give him a second chance since we all deserve one and see. If it happens again THEN you have an issue worth talking more about. If it does not then chalk it down to a loose stepping stone on the otherwise safe path to a cordial friendship. There is no use however in getting annoyed… correcting him… and then not even giving him a chance to change his approach before cutting him off.... and essentially editing your entire relationship with the girl too as a consequence.